Online Diary Entries: Are they true or are they made up? You decide what the answer is.
The second part of my The Truth, The Bad and The Ugly. I wasn’t really going to do the second part to this story; but the fact that I was so upset, angry and missing Caspian. Lots of things happened yesterday (Tuesday 26th September 2017) I literally had a complete reality check of everything. I took it all out in the blog post that I put it up today.
The truth is it’s the first time that I’ve been apart from Caspian for a week; this is because we use to message, talk and etc everyday. I could handle the odd few days without him when he was busy and off on business trips. When it came to near death experience of myself which lost his late mother in 20 years ago I didn’t want him to be put into that position again with me. The fact I try not to talk about my relationship on here as much but when I find it hard to write a blog I don’t bother but when it comes to my feelings about things I just put pen to paper and write. Other than me forcing the pen to write something on a blank piece of paper that didn’t want to be written on if it wasn’t meant to be written on at the time. The fact that I just adapted Caspian’s positivity quote and his advice on things goes to show how much I love him and shows I listen to him more than anything in the world. He is my rock and without him I don’t know what I would do without him to be honest with you.
The bad thing is I let my insecurities get the better of me at the best of times. I also start to freak out and start pushing Caspian away even when he’s trying so hard to keep me away from my sheer demons of depression that I can get myself into. It is hard work to get me out of it but at the end of the day if I didn’t have him I think I would be worst off than I have already.
The ugly thing is that when I have someone that close; I know that I can’t have them for some odd reason, most of the time is all in my head and I’ve always told myself that. That’s why I think I have a lot hatred towards myself and push people away especially guys who I let in close they stay that way because they know I have those issues of do I actually know they want me or not. Since being with Caspian for 4 months he stayed put because he loves me even with my demons that I can’t seem to control without him. I know that if I have to control it on my own half the time because I can’t rely on him all the time.
However I can’t wait for him to come home at the weekend. I just want him home I just miss him so much. Don’t like the 5 hours difference between here and Canada. I suppose this is testing the relationship more than ever. Stupid connection in Canada haha. His words of his dislike of the country because he can’t talk to me as much as he would like to; like he was home here, also he just love me too much and misses me to much.