Everyday Online Diary Entries: (13.6.18) Wednesday – Just remembered Mr Fan!

The moment when you want to sleep but the heat in your sauna like bedroom keeps you up; you have you’re window open so that you can have a cool room but your feet get cold and keeps you up, doesn’t matter if you couldn’t sleep or not anyway at the time and all the sudden you message your friend realising something after 3 months without it. Even with the heat being horrible at the best of times what do you remember what your parents brought you last year for your room.

That’s right. A freaking FAN! Yes Lizzy-Lou has done it again having a really bad short term memory lost about something to keep the room cool. That’s right that’s what happened to me on Monday night (11.6.18) leaving me a good few hours sleep; especially when you know you have a double shift one after each other the next day, you weren’t in the best sparks during the day and being tired from not sleeping the night before.

I don’t know if anyone seen a clip of girl and the caption goes something like “when you haven’t had enough sleep and every little thing starts to p**** you off” that was me yesterday and Tuesday (12.6.18) I was literally dead to the world of not caring what people think of me right now. Literally like I had no soul or cared about anything. I was literally that tired and fallen asleep like no body knows.

The fact that I just managed to cover today and yesterday’s blogs in space off the three days I was pretty impressed. I think I managed to sneak in another one today before the Wednesday Evening Post at 8. That’s right that’s coming back this week with a new picture, under a new category and many more new things coming throughout the next few months.

I am so humble that you guys have been coming back for more each day. You are a life saver. Thank you for all the support and giving me the best views ever. I hope you guys can support Life On The Open Road Project once that gets under way. Lots of ideas I want to do for it so let’s get this on the road soon enough shall we. See you in the next blog guys.

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Everyday Online Diary Entries: (6.6.18) Wednesday – Story of My Life – Story Based

Story of my life when I’m kept in the dark about things but I wish you could be with me now; as I can’t sleep without you next to me so I have to go to the river to pray because I need something that can wash out the pain, and the memories that are flashing in my minds eye that I don’t want to see. I keep sleeping with you’re ghost the ghost of you laying next to me to keep these demons away from me. 

My friend have figured you out they saw what’s inside of you because there’s wasn’t anything for you to hide; there was no evil coming through from you all they could see was your kindness, loving, patient and protection coming through. Everytime you were near I could feel these eyes sitting on the wall watching every move that I make; even with the bright light of the sun they are there in the shade but your loving heart makes my spirit have hope that I can do this, knowing that I’m not a lone in this. 

I had to go through hell on my own to be able to prove that I’m not insane because I had met the devils name and now I’m starting to know his name. I then find your burning love coming through holding your hand out whilst everything was burning out by the water. 

Sitting here with you as we stare at these written walls are the stories that I can’t explain what they all mean because I just leave my heart open for days but my thoughts stay there on these walls for days. The morning that I have something to show you and I took you to this room with all of my stories of my past covering all over the walls and ceilings. 

You knew that I love you to the bones and knew I struggled to open up but now you finally got to see and read what was happening in my head. You didn’t realise how much I was dying inside of me; these words that are written on the walls will be on my grave stone because that’s how much I hated about myself, no matter how many times I’ve been to hell you know I’m gone there when I’m in a bad dark place. I just want the ground to open beneath me so wide that I can get away from this life; in away I’m holding on too tight to you from falling into the hole that has nothing in between. 

This is the story of my life battling with mental health; I just want you to take me home even if you drive all night to keep me warm because I’m frozen in time, I wish this wasn’t the story of my life but it is and you give me hope, love, patience until I’m no more broke inside. 

The words that are written on these walls are in colour I can’t change them because I don’t know how to but they are attacking my heart that’s widely open in its cage. I know in the morning as I can see the light creeping up over the hill as I lay on the floor with you and your arms wrapping around me protecting me. Although I am broken without you I think I would of been gone tonight; the fire that was beneath my feet was burning so bright, the way that I was holding you and you were holding onto me so tight like there was nothing can become between us. I’ve been waiting for this time to come around but I didn’t know how to explain myself I felt like I was chasing something. 

The things that I’ve seen, the things that I’ve heard, the things that I’ve experienced with. The is the story of my life battling with mental health. 

Wednesday Online Diary Entries: Taking control of the anxiety once again.

The past couple of days haven’t been great to be honest yet that’s probably my fault  who knows; you guys probably say “it’s not your fault…you’re just having a bad time  it’s not your fault. Your just having one of those days” yes it’s not my fault because when it’s in my head it’s a lot harder to get through it, it’s like I didn’t want to go to work (2.5.18) that’s when I knew I’m still letting my anxiety starting to take control. It was like last night I was trying talk to myself that I’ll be fine and so on. 

I know I’m doing the exact routine day in day out get up get ready go out come back home do what I need to do; get ready to go out again for another shift, come home and do a bit of something then go back out again to do another shift (that’s if I’m doing three shifts in one day.) just to keep my mind busy and myself occupied for the day otherwise I’ll be sitting at home wallowing myself pity. 

To be honest that’s why I try and post everyday even if I’m having a bad time or something just to know that I’ve done something positive towards myself even if I’m feeling like I’m useless and what not. I was even talking to someone the other day and I was just saying I might as well give up writing all together because it’s not getting anywhere I want to be and what not. I knew it wasn’t me because I love writing and so on. 

Even if you’re on your own war path with yourself you hurt everyone that you love around you; they know it’s not you talking it’s the anxiety and the depression that’s talking, (I’m only going off with my own experiences) trust me when I’ve been on my own war path people soon realise it’s not me who’s talking. I’m completely someone else not the bubbles person who takes control of the nature of things. 

The fact that I want to share with you the whole taking control of anxiety is by pushing yourself to get through it by taking control of it before it gets worse and takes control of you. Trust me I’ve been there done that got the t-shirt. I’ve let it control me because I didn’t know how to deal with it at the time. Yet people say I’m brave and strong; I’m standing there looking at them, and thinking you only know half of the battle. 

I’ve even started to have hot chocolate every so often just to calm the nerves down especially at night it does work I’ve just tried it last night (1.5.18) it’s like burning/melting away all the bad things that’s triggering it or trying it because it’s like saying enough is enough. I’ve asked a few people who do they who hates their mental health state more than anyone else. Meaning who’s willing to fight it more than people who just let it take control of them. Believe me a fair few people came back to me as said “you” ie “me” this is because they know how much of a struggle that I have had in the past with it and now that I’m taking control of it that’s when I know I’m not letting it define me of who I am. 

Why should other people let any mental health or disability define them from who they are as a person. Please help by donating money via clicking this button here where you will find a suitable price for you to donate or if you like to find out more please go to Payment/Donations Page. 





Wednesday Online Diary Entries: “the feeling sick in your stomach” – Story Based

Weather this is a Story Based or not but I just thought I’ll put in there just to cover myself if it turns out to be like it. When you get that whole feeling of being anxious and etc you have that knot inside your stomach for the whole day whether it goes or stays it’s like am I going to be sick or not. 

Today (25.4.16) has been a bit of a emotional rollercoaster for me as I’ve been picking up more work to which I don’t mind it gets me out of the house. In between trying to catch up on some sleep but not normally works because I don’t trust myself at the best of times. 

Yet it’s been one of those days where it’s been raining on and off like nobody knows to be honest but it was expected to happen anyway. Like me trying to attempt of getting this blog post done but that was harder than expected but I’ve got it done even if it’s not well and truly planned. 

I’ve managed to create data collection for my facebook page because back in the summer of 2017 I had started to do it but stopped but I’ve decided to do it again. I enjoy doing it to be honest to help me understand who what where and etc. Also give me some sort of positive to be able to see people actually liking what I do than not liking what I do. 

That reminds me I’ve got to do a April Newsletter at some point soon because it’s nearly the end of the month so it needs doing. That’s if I can actually remember what happened haha. This month is going way to fast for my liking. 

Wednesday Online Diary Entries: “Girl in the mirror” – Story Based

You can always sense with me there things ain’t quite right but I barely speak I can’t seem to sit still or sit tight because there’s many things that run and pass by through my mind. It’s hard to show when you’re the one with your eyes. Life expects me to be strong but it doesn’t always mean that I’ve to sing that song but do I need to take it; just go easy on yourself because I need to take it, I need to go easy on myself and I know what I’m like. 

I’ve been picking little fights with the girl in the mirror with girl in the mirrors who’s been stressing me out to be a woman. Oh I don’t need this today because I don’t know quite what to say to the girl in the mirror. Take this time to think when things out right because when I’m weak all I seem to do is fight for my life; three many ways that I could say but I’m not fine instead I hold it back with the water filling my eyes. 

Life expects me to be strong but that doesn’t mean that I’ve got to be strong all the time. Doesn’t mean that I’ve got to sing that song I don’t really need to take it but you say take it easy on yourself. So I need to take it easy on myself because I’m tired of picking little fights with the girl in the mirror. The girl in the mirror is stressing me out to be a woman but I really don’t need it today I’m pretty sure what I need to say to the girl in the mirror. 

Wednesday Online Diary Entries: “I see the light” – Story Based

All those days watching from the windows like all those years outside looking in; all that time never even knowing just how blind that I’ve been, now that I am here blinking in the starlight now that I’m here suddenly I see standing here it’s all so clear. Knowingly I’m where I’m meant to be like at last I’ve seen the light like it had been lifted; at last I see the light like the sky is new bringing in the warm, the real and the brightness but the world has somehow shifted. All at once everything looks different now that I see you in my world you are my prince of my life.
All those days chasing down a daydream all those years living in a blur but at the time; they were never truly seeing things as they were but now she’s here shining in the starlight she’s here suddenly I know that it’s crystal clear where I meant to go, and at last I see he light like the fog of pain has been lifted knowing that she’s been protecting me.
At last we see the light like the sky is new with the warmth, real and bright like the world has somehow shifted all at once everything is different now that we can see each other. I know that we will be together one day soon.

Wednesday Online Diary Entries: “Bad Day” – Story Based

Where is the moment when we needed a friend the most as you tried to kick up the leaves but the magic was lost; as I watch you walk on by completely ignoring me that I was there, they tell me your blue skies had faded to grey along with your passion for things had gone away and they told me that you didn’t need to carry on. Yet they had asked me to help you get by.

As I got up with my notebook and pen I tagged along to see if I you even notice if I was there; you shrugged when I spoke to you like you couldn’t care less if I was or not, you just stood there in the line like you just hit a new low and you’re just faking a smile with the coffee to go. As we sat in your office with the door closed you told me that your life has been way off line because something would trigger it off and you start to fall to pieces every time like your too tire to carry on.

As your bad day rolled in to every other day. You’re just taking one day at a time hoping that it would get better but you start singing a sad song; all you need to do is turn it around yet you say you don’t know how, and tell me to not lie because one day you will top yourself if it doesn’t work. You work at that smile and to for a ride because you had a bad day do something that you like doing to cheer yourself up; the camera doesn’t lie as you’re coming back down, you know you really don’t mind you had a bad day that you manage to turn it around.

All you need is a blue sky holiday to which you are entitled for even to the point of they would laugh at what you say; all I know is that you don’t need to carry on because your going on holiday because you know when sometimes the system goes on a blink inside you, you need to take some time off knowing that the whole thing could turn out wrong when your away. You know that your not in the wrong.

You went on the trip that I took you on where the passion is to help you when you needed it the most; oh by the way it’s just you and I on this trip, no one else and it’s just going to be the most well deserved break that you need in the sun. No more bad days for awhile.

Wednesday Online Diary Entries: “If you seek Lizzy” – Story

Lalalala blah blah blah I’m not taking much notice of your stupid empty threats that you make in the newspapers like have you seen Lizzy? Who is Lizzy? Guess what I own it because I know I got my radar on you because I know the truth it should of been have you seen Mia? Have you seen Mia tonight? Is she in the bathroom? Is she smoking outside?

Oh hunny guess what you can take piece of lime that me and Caspian are not going to by for you because I know what she’s like; a self centred women who doesn’t actually care about anyone except herself, just tell me if you have seen near by my house or near me or Caspian and I can’t get her off my brain as I see her a threat I want someone to take her home before she breaks my rules and contract that she signed.

You can love me hate me you can say what you want about me but all of the girls telling and begging me not to rise to it because I know you want to seek me to get back to me. Love me hate me but you can’t see what I see your too blind of hatred yet the secret services have told me that you want to meet up with me and beat me up. Yet you stood there feeling humiliated with all the crowds especially all the press because I didn’t show.

I’ve seen her once or twice since being here with Caspian since she knew my face but it was a bit hard to see to make sure where all of the people standing in the way. You can say what you want about me but actually you can’t see what I see; next time you tell me that you see her I want to know what she looks like and what she’s wearing because her outfits make her look old. If your going to seek me out? Or stalk me? Do it much better than you are already because you just need to get out of my way. It won’t be long until I show you who I really am.

Wednesday Online Diary Entries: It’s only Wednesday! (Wednesday Evening Post)

The fact that I’m that tired I can’t even remember what the Wednesday Online Diary Entries picture is; I can barely keep my eyes open to have a look properly so I decided to put Wednesday Evening Post pictures up, doesn’t matter to be honest as it’s Wednesday and it’s mid week I might as well use Wednesday Online Diary Entries under the Evening Post.

As it’s end of January 2018 I have to say I managed to keep my self going over the past month no matter how hard it was to continue fight with my personal problems throughout this month; the first time in three years this is the first time for me to start taking control of some of my personal life, than I have had previously 2 years and I wanted to share with you guys the success of having you guys keeping me going. Thank you.

This week has to be a very long but dragging I’m not even sure why it just seems longer to me for some odd reason. The fact that it’s Wednesday and nowhere nearer to Friday or nowhere near Monday; just smack bam in the middle of the week, even today has been so dreadful that I’ve been not myself. I even had force myself to get next months data sheets sorted before tomorrow to which I would of sorted them out earlier in the day if I was awake. I couldn’t even remember what the date of the month was for awhile as I started to wish the months away by writing the 8th month instead of the 2nd month.

I’m just glad that January Blues 18 is now well and truly over. Cheers everybody let’s enjoy the 28 days of February 18.