Everyday Online Diary Entries: (19.6.18) Tuesday Online Diary Entries – Prepping Family Members Of medical needs

I’ve decided to continue fighting this mental health no matter how hard it is at the moment and not wanting to do anything but sleep. However the one thing that it’s currently trying to make not wanting to do anything is blogging and writing; no matter how hard it is at the moment for me, I’m taking it each day as it comes and will be back to my normal strength with the help of your guidance and your stags to help me get through this week. 

I will probably talk about it one day but right now isn’t the time to talk about it as it’s fresh and recent. I’ve decided to do some prep work for my family after what’s happened recently so that they know what I’m taking, what’s what and etc. I’ve started to do the whole set up with a grandparent of mine because few weeks ago I had to sort their medication out as there was so many medications and not enough of one. I decided to sort them out for one of my parents and one of my aunts so they know what’s what into boxes and then labelling them and so on. 

Whilst I was doing my medication list, emergency meds box for one of my parents to use incase of emergency and what not. I decided to do the same with one of my grandparents meds so that they know what they have got what’s been on hold and what’s etc. Also made notes page so that they can write down to let each other know what’s going on, what’s needed and etc. To be able to record what’s happening. 

I’ve done exactly the same for my parents and have a back up plan for one of my aunts so if I can’t get hold of my parents or anyone else they can contact them. Straight away if there was anything that would happen to me for any reason or another. It’s all safety reasons for myself and my grandparent at the time if something goes wrong or they miss read something or something happens they will know what to look up on the sheets provided. That I’ve been provided with the information that they need at the time because sometimes it all gets confusing and what has been done and what hasn’t been done. 

I like to be organised in that sense but I didn’t really think about doing it for myself until recent events accord. So I did the same thing but my parents have my emergency meds if I need them I have the rest as I’m capable to have the ones I’ve got. Unless things change again then obviously then revise the situation but for now for me it’s the suitable situation for me to do that for the time being. 

Remember you are beautiful, your awesome, your amazing and every positive thing that I could think off right now. Remember you are not alone. You have got people that care about you, love you and most importantly to help you. I am a sucker for not asking help but when I do oh boy admitting it is hard enough but accepting that you do it’s like “okay I thought I could handle it on my own but I can’t” that’s where you need to ask for help. 

Love you all and your beautiful stags. 

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Everyday Online Diary Entries: (12.6.18) Tuesday – I might of rambled

I might of rambled but in a rant for the Wednesday Evening Post at 8 blog post; I do apologise in the advance for that, I was hurt, upset and annoyed that people think it’s okay to spread lies and etc. I just don’t actually understand why people do that to be honest.

Maybe people think that I’m threatening them or over confident because I know things but at the end of the day; I know how to do my job, know how to deal with things that go wrong, I don’t just sit there be all clicky clicky with people and talk about weight watchers and all that.

I’ve sat all the way through that with people but I just don’t see any difference or anything to be honest unless you’re one of those people’s who actually stick to the healthy living style and work out. That’s when you begin to notice the whole change in people; it’s all about the willingness of doing something for yourself, and no one else because its like saying if you don’t do for yourself do it for me. That’s not how it all works because I know for the fact that I never do something I want to improve on about myself for someone else; if I actually want to do something that I want to do, I do it for me, myself and I.

I have that work ethic that I’m hard on myself to continue to improve myself in so many ways so that I know I can succeed in life no matter how long it takes. Yes it gets me down; yes it takes me longer than anyone else, yes I get there in the end but at the end of the day once it achieved and it gets there I for one know I’m proud of what I have achieved.

Since leaving school I had a choice of not continuing to improve my spelling, my reading and what not but the love of writing that I had for it. It gave me the confidence in myself to actually continue to improve myself in so many levels that I chose not to give up. I chose not to let my learning disability or my hearing impairment define me for who I am; I could of applied and still can if I wanted to for a disability, but I was brought up the fact that my parents wanting me to have a choice and see how I do in life. If it wasn’t for them in who I am today of not giving up or letting the things that I know can hold me back.

Yeah I have my moments in thinking I’m not good at something or I’m not good at this. I even had this conversation about my writing with someone yesterday (11.6.18) they were like you got to keep trying. I know that they are trying to help me build my confidence up, keep me going and what not because they know how much my confidence drops.

They even know my dream goal is and I know I’ve got a long way to go but I know I’ve got a load of doubts in my head that I think it’s not going to work. However it’s only the early stages of making it happen. I always believe that no matter what happens it’s okay you can start again.

I literally use my grandparents toughness on myself; tell people how it is, and everything because it’s my coping mechanisms. Trust me I’m the worst person to keep everything in until all of the sudden I just snap and take it out on someone who might be the last one to send me over the edge. Yesterday I had one of those bad days one lead to another and I just literally took it out on someone even though they didn’t know what my day was like until I explained.

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (5.6.18) Tuesday – When everything hurts!

Tuesday lovely Tuesday. Still cloudy with no sun but it’s still humid and warm yet still no rain or thunderstorms to clear the air. Would be quite nice to have some sort of warmth with blue skies and the sun being out to be honest with you. This blog is generally a down time blog; one of those chit chat blogs to be honest with you because lots have gone on to which I might talk about, I might not talk about them as we all know I don’t particularly want my whole life story on social media.

You probably thinking what does she mean “when everything hurts!” Let me explain since I was a kid I was prone to sprain my ankles and wrists; doctors couldn’t see anything that was wrong at the time, however I never really got it checked out properly since because they couldn’t find anything so I just got on with it and strap them up myself.

Hitting my late teens my knees had started to go and I was like great more things to sort out. I do go over my shoes a fair amount; I always had problems with shoes and my feet to be honest don’t know why, I think that’s why I prefer no shoes to be honest if only I can just go out walking around barefoot it would be amazing. Within the last year it or so my feet have decided to become painful where it’s too much to walk on or put weight on them no matter what I do.

I’ve been trying to in recent days or months to not go over in my shoes to see if I can correct my walking ability but obviously it comes with a price at the end of the day. I went out for a bit earlier didn’t realise how much it hurts just walking on them I came back home to find a blister on in between my toes and swollen feet. Pretty much wonder why I hate shoes to be honest and my feet.

Fancy that it was all cloudy and humid this morning by late afternoon it becomes hot, sunny and nice with hardly any clouds in the sky. I thought I’ll get out for a bit just for my mental health; I have a habit of joking about with my mental health done it twice now on two different people now, once I was working with a driver who I get on with and I told her that she’s nuts. She told me that means your nuts too and replied “yeah and I’m on medication for it” she cracked up laughing because it was true and it wasn’t what she meant on which I knew and we both just burst out laughing.

Someone said to me “are you mentally nuts” being me as well I come out with “that’s why I’m on medication” haha. I like to be control my mental health and make a joke about it because it helps me deal with it a bit more along with having ago at it when I’m just about to have a serious moment. It’s only recently I’ve started to have ago at it because I’m fed up with it now; so when my anxiety starts to kick in I turn around and say “Anxiety you piece of sh**”. Makes me feel a whole lot better because when I’m in not good frame of mind I put myself down so now I turn the tables and put it down…..

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (30.5.18) Wednesday – Finding yourself again.

Life on the open road is like a blanket journal that has no ending to it as you fill the pages up when you go along. I guess it’s like that when your first born to the world that you make what you are over the years of growing up. Looking back I guess I was outgoing at somethings like saying what I mean and be quite a lot straight forward where I don’t like something. Along side with being rather softy but fair at the same time.

Since the rain has arrived yesterday (29.5.18) I’ve been a bit struggling the worst bit is it’s the holidays for the week and it’s like I could do something but it’s either I can’t or I can’t be bothered. That’s when I start to think about things that I know I shouldn’t be thinking. I do however put my make up on and do my hair everyday so that I can feel slightly good about myself in so many ways.

Yeah I don’t sleep that well most nights recently it’s become a lot worse minus last night (29.5.18) it’s not because I sleep through the day it’s generally because my head can’t shut up talking. I should be currently finishing tidying me room; well see the floor at least so that I can walk across it properly, I want to do it but I just can’t be bothered and so on.

Happily writing blogs and watching YouTube videos at the moment yeah I’m struggling again with my blogs but at the end of the day it’s something worth while and for me it’s like a safe haven for me because I can put my emotions and thoughts down. Weather it’s a story, Life on the open road project, (to which I need to write a page on it might nick a few bits from here) and many others.

The fact that I’ve been trying to find myself a bit more by sorting out some of the things that have been dragging me down the past year or so; yet still got a long way to go to be fully complete at the end of the day small steps in recovery is good enough for me, and good enough for you guys too……

TuesdayOnline Diary Entries: “The thoughts are getting louder!” – Story Based

I can’t control this feeling that’s happening inside me it feels like our senses has come alive where the chemistry is building; it’s something that we are feeling there’s nowhere you can hide. Yet it’s becoming louder and it’s getting louder. We are going to get stronger, going to feel better because you know that you can’t tame this energy inside.

I’ve got to reach higher like I want to burn like a fire because you got to move faster as you can’t tame this energy inside. The perpetual emotion is just a ripple in the ocean like a shadow in the night but the changes that we make is for the better because we’re going through it together there’s nowhere you can hide. 

It’s more than just a feeling where we’re we are building a dream that we’ve always had when we have our clear sights on it. We watch it ignite as we know how to survive because we are the powerful that can change the world as we are reclaiming our unity that can’t divide us or push around. We are tearing it down because we are tearing it down as we are having the time of our life. 

They can hear the thundering sounds under their feet wondering what’s happening because it’s going to get louder we are getting stronger as we are going to feel better they can’t tame this energy inside anymore. We are going to reach higher we going to burn like a fire; they can’t mice any faster like we can, they can’t tame this energy inside. 

Our love is growing faster, louder, stronger, better, faster, louder and better because we can’t tame this energy inside. 

Tuesday Online Diary Entries: “Friends” – Story Based

You say you love me I say that your crazy because we’re nothing more than friends I don’t see you as my lover more like a brother; I known you since we were like 10, yeah I know right so don’t mess this up by talking that shit about us. It’s only going to push me away; that’s it I’ve had it here we go again you saying you love me the thing is you’re making me crazy, don’t go look at me with that look in your eye. You know that look that you’re not going get away without a fight.

You can’t be reasoned with I’m so done with being polite I’ve told you thousand of times; haven’t I made it obvious? Haven’t I made it clear? Do you want me spell it out too you? F-R-I-E-N-D-S have you got no shame of course not because you look insane turning up at my door at 2am in the morning the rain pouring with attempt of flowers; I begin to think haven’t we been here before?, oh please don’t mess this up by talking about that shit it’s only going to push me away and that will end everything.

Here we go again don’t give me that look where you’re not going to get away with it without me punching you; as I know you can’t reasoned with even I tried for a long time, I just go along with it because I’m so done with being polite and I’ve made it obvious? Haven’t I made it clear? F-R-I-E-N-D-S that’s how you spell the fucking word! Get that shit inside your head we are just friends.
Ahhh we are just FRIENDS!

Tuesday Online Diary Entries: “Stargazing” – Story Based

Sitting in the campsite that I’m staying picturing the life before I knew you; it was okay, alright and it was what it was. I’ll paint my life in the sky before I loved you. There were never pictures in the hallway, no fireworks, no grand allure but the reason it only happens was that you came through my door.
Oh now my life feels more than just amazing to which I’m your eyes it makes me feel like I’m stargazing in the world of truly forgotten. It’s like living in a movie to which I’m Fred Astaire Singing in the rain; to where I’m finding myself seeing fireworks the whole grand allure, this is because it’s every time that you walk through my door.
Life feels more than just amazing in your eyes as I’ve been stargazing up close and personal but yet there’s no fireworks or no grand allure because that only happens when you come through my door. As I’m coming back to reality to where I’m finding myself under a blanket outside and I soon realise that I’m just stargazing.

Tuesday Online Diary Entries: “I want to scream, I want to shout!” Story Based

No matter what I got to say but I have the words to change a nation yet I’m biting my tongue because I’ve spent my life time stuck in silence yet I’m to afraid that I’ll say something wrong. If no one ever hears it how are we going to learn my song, my story or most importantly my voice. So come on come on let me speak out because this is hurting me as much as you.

I’ve got a heart as loud as the lions in the London Zoo but why do I have to let my voice still be tamed? Maybe we’re a little different but there’s no need to be ashamed because you’ve got the light to fight the shadows away so stop hiding it away, come on come on. I want to sing. I want to shout. I want to scream until the words dry out. I’m not afraid because they can read all about it. Read all about it on how she is a gold digger, she doesn’t love you, she just want to be a princess and live the highlight.

At night we’re waking up the neighbours while the press is at my house making sure that I’m standing my ground; making sure that we’re are remembered that we are in love, we matter too and if the truth is forbidden then we’re breaking all the rules and let the TV and the radio tell our story again and again. It’s about time we got some airplay telling our version of events. There’s no need to be afraid I will shout out that you’re my love of my life.

We are all wonderful people when did we get so fearful? Now that we have finally finding our voices. So take a chance stand next to me help me fight for you.

Tuesday Online Diary Entries: “Better Than Today” – Story

No matter how bad your day had started out but I can see what you can do but I know that you can do it better than that if you turn it around because it’s the talk of the town and I’ll make you forget all of the nasty comments that’s she has made towards you. I know you hate that something that you have even tried doing because you always got told that you can’t do anything better than them; all you got to do is lose the control almost every night because at the end of the day, you don’t care what other people may think of you and so you got to see what they do when we do it better. Yes I’m talking to you who’s reading this blog post.

You’ve got to feel it. You got to see it. Know how much you mean it because at the end of the day what’s the point of living if you don’t take a chance? You got to make today better than yesterday as you’ve for to lose it. You got to cruise it like I would do if I was there not giving a flying monkeys what other people think of me. Knowing that you got a chance of believing, feeling it, seeing it and know you do that dance of being proud of yourself each day.

Oh believe me I know how life is hard during the week but I live it for the weekend when you can hurt underneath; I guess it can really deepens that you know that you did awesome work on being positive towards yourself, what’s the point of worrying about being cool? As there’s a million things to learn that they never teach you at school; I can tell you that now don’t believe what they tell you because all we want is tomorrow to be better than today.

The whole fabrications that complicate the word in the world because theres too much useless information that plays in your head. Yet very clever people don’t know how much we all struggle and need a chance; then the clever people can’t understand the most simple things like we can do but it won’t stop our clever business.

You know what to do by feeling it, seeing it knowing how much you mean it because what’s the point of living if you know take the chance? You just lose it, cruise it like knowing you’ve got the chance to do it.

Tuesday Online Diary Entries: Since you’ve been gone – Story

Here’s a thing we had started of as friends but it was cool as it was all pretend yet since you’ve been gone; I started to fall apart like I lost someone in my life that I was going to be with, you dedicated and took the time but it wasn’t long when you called me yours. Yet since you’ve been gone all I could hear is you and her when I’ve been picturing us together for years; told you how I felt about you along with the longest crush, yet all you hear is my insecurities because it’s not the first time that I can’t breathe without you.
But since you’ve been gone I still can’t breathe without you it’s not the first time; I can’t move on but thanks to you I’ve been able to take a few steps forwards and few steps back, yet since you’ve been gone I can’t get what I want and how can I put it? You put me on a high pedestal even when I fell in love with you and our stupid love so song. How come I never hear you say “I just want to be with you” I forgotten those words you use to say to me everyday. I guess you never really felt that way.
I know I had my chances and you had your chances but we blew it. Now we are fighting for our lives to be together out of sight out of mind. Shut your mouth I just can’t take it anymore because again and again we argue because we just want to be together. I just so tired of screaming inside myself because I can’t take it anymore. Since you’ve been gone I’ve just felt so alone I don’t know what to do anymore.