Everyday Online Diary Entries – (24.7.18) Tuesday – Went swimming with the fishes

I’m laying here in so much pain right now. You wouldn’t believe what happened if I told you. I’ll explain why in a second let me explain how my day went leading up to what happened. Today was going pretty well nothing wasn’t really going wrong other than a few everyday nags here and there along with 9:30am yell from the gobby house when answering to one of the kids along with 17:00pm (roughly) when they got back but other than that it was alright.

My parents were busy doing things all day so I kept to myself most of the time from blogging prep, posting and finishing off writing up my stats that I didn’t do last week but luckily I recorded them down in a notebook with few YouTubers playing in the background. Slept for a bit I think I’ll be sleeping a bit tomorrow due to so much pain I’m in right now and I think it’s going to be a long night. 

I went to see my aunt because my mum needed to drop things off at her house plus one of my grandparents where there as well. Came back everything was still swimmingly going well until we all decided to go down to the pond at the end of my garden. I had noticed that there was a water plant that had fallen over so I thought “yeah let’s go and sort it out” not really think about what was going to happen or if I fell in the pond. 

With some success I managed to get it up standing and everything but then it fell over again this time a lot further. You may think “oh just leave it” being me and being determined and ignore everyone else I wanted to get it up right. I wasn’t holding anything as I reached for it; I managed ever so slightly to get this annoying plant, then what do I do fall into the pond. My first immediate panic reaction was the fishes and then my second panic reaction was “how bloody deep did my parent (who made it) make this pond”

Other than that I came out with bruises and cuts I’m pretty much alright to be honest. Minus being drenched from being in the pond but I was completely fine. I was more worried about the fishes than anything than myself or the stupid plants. Fortunately I didn’t have my phone in my back pocket like I normally do otherwise it would of definitely gone wrong and be bad. I managed to have it in a safe place like in doors. 

Since having a shower and washed my hair and everything. Started to relax more I started to think and most importantly digest what actually just happened that’s when I knew everything just hurt more than just the scraps that I had received. Wish me luck in trying to sleep tonight.

Everyday Online Diary Entries – (17.7.18) Tuesday – The day I wish it never happened

I wished today didn’t happen to be honest for the first time in like awhile things happened all at once where I didn’t sleep at all well the night before; waking up at 5:30am after 2 hours sleep by getting sleep at 2:30am that’s when you realise you still got to go to work, and your not on school holidays yet your like you got to go to work. 

I’m like thanks I couldn’t stay awake with especially when you were playing nursery rhymes for someone which didn’t help what so ever. Along with being a grump of not being able sleep; long with the time of getting home I get a stinking anxiety attack because something else happened, I’m just like thank you ever so much for setting me off and etc to the person who set me off. 

I literally had to force myself to go to sleep because I knew I was going to turn on myself; I was that tired it was ridiculous but I literally was okay after all that because I was wake enough for the afternoon shift, I was still feeling anxious and my head was still feeling weird but I was sitting on it most of the time.

Nearly everything was getting on my nerves when I got home after my shift I was genuinely had it. I wasn’t in the mood for one of my parents having ago at me for no reason what so ever; my other parent picked up that I wasn’t feeling right because I looked anxious and everything, I really didn’t need the other one having ago even when I had a bad day myself but I wasn’t feeling up to it to have ago. 

Doesn’t help that I’ve just started my new medication which really didn’t help me what so ever the cross over really doesn’t help. I suppose you just have to get use to it to be honest. I just pray to god that I actually get some sort of sleep tonight with a little help with the new meds.

Everyday Online Diary Entries – (10.7.18) Tuesday – Hate waisting the day of blogging!

Today was a bit pointless to be honest with you because I literally slept in between shifts; writing a good blog but then soon realise that I couldn’t get into it as much as I wanted to, so that blog isn’t going to be finished or be posted anytime soon and so I’m just writing this instead. 

I hate when I have an idea for something I start it and then I just weren’t feeling it; normally I’m pretty much good at feeling the whole vibe of a blog post but this one blog post I’m talking about that I never finished, I literally could not get into it what so ever and I think I put myself off it because the story that was going with it was actually taking its time. 

That’s probably why it didn’t get finished in the end. Along with I need to finish of designing the rest of the challenges I think or just leave it at Day 20 not sure see how I feel after this one. I’ll finish the pictures so that I’ve got them if I need to. That’s what she says haha. 

Have to make a huge congratulations to France in making the finals in the World Cup I hope we will join you in the finals after tomorrow nights game. I do hope we win though it be nice actually because it’s something we need more off to make us great not politics saying that they are going to make it great again. It’s the people who live in the country who have actually have talent and achieve things in life that makes Britain great. 

Everyday Online Diary Entries – (3.7.18) Tuesday Online Diary Entires – Thought process of a mental health person

I know I’ve been on the ball with the whole blogging everyday diary entries for a good few weeks and stopped over the last couple of days. I know you guys liked that sort of thing I’m sorry about that but things happened. I’m going to try again this week to get back on form. 

I try so had once I get on top of things that I think yeah yeah let’s do this I can do this and all of the sudden bam something happens and I’m like back to square one again like nobody knows. I hate having set backs so much to the point of why am I even doing this for. Who am I doing this for? Why am I even doing this? 

I know I say this a lot writing saves my life a lot. I even generally want to give up with it all at the best of times. Literally just don’t want to write and I’ve look at my views recently and think how the heck did it drop so much when I was doing so well. Until I remember why. That’s when I realise things take an effect of what I love doing. 

When your stuck in that cycle of feeling down and what not it’s like your stuck in a coma not like I’ve been in one but it’s like that closed off from everything and everyone. Then you start back to where you were few weeks back or a month ago and etc. No matter what you do your still fighting for your life each day.

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (26.6.18) Tuesday – Going to be a long day me thinks

Compared from yesterday (25.6.18) to today (26.6.18)  it’s going to be a long one I can tell especially when you’re up at like 5:55am in the morning preparing to be on call for work but never happened alongside with the afternoon I could be wrong. I don’t know anything could happen to be honest yet it’s going to be a nice beautiful warm summers day will most probably be boiling hot again like yesterday. 

I am kind quite glad that I’m sort of not working I can get my legs out not because I can get a sun tan if I wanted too; due to the fact that I can my cream that can work for my legs due to my legs are covered in spots due to demitis another word for eczema where allergic reaction will come out. I always find that I come out in it with it in the summer due to hayfever and the heat. I didn’t know it was that until last week Monday (18.6.18) when I went for an emergency appointment about something else and I asked. 

You can’t catch it and it won’t kill you. I literally got prescribed a medical cream to sort the condition. I have looked it up if you can inherit the condition or not; you can inherit the condition which can be passed down from generations, I’m like great I’ve got it from someone and then I get told that I got it from one of my grandparents as they had it. I’m just like great thank you very much. Anything else that you want to throw at me now is the time to do so. 

At least I know what is it what and deal with the things at the time it happens otherwise I would continue to ignore it and make it worse. I’m pretty much one of those people who it ignore it and let it get worse unless someone tells me to actually get it checked out. 

Just totally rang work and I’m on stand by so definitely going to be a long day but it doesn’t matter because I’ve got plenty of things to do for my blog and my project that I’m working on so it’s all good. Few emails here and there so yeah it be okay and time for my legs to heal too. Which be good as well. The fact that I’ve got things planned to keep my mind occupied will be great. 

Yesterday (25.6.18) was a long one for me from working at 7:00 until 9:45. Then went into my hometown to speak to someone about something; I walked out of my hometown which takes me 30-45 minutes but I walked along the river as it was really nice day, got changed back into my work clothes near to the time of 14:00 did the dishwasher and then went to work. On which I made the kids that I work with laughing so much and they didn’t want to let me go as they arrived at their house. I was like I know you love me but you have to get off the bus now. Came home got changed out of my work clothes on which I then found out that I had a headache. I sometimes think I give myself a headache at the best of times but it was quite warm on the bus. 

I finished the ironing for one of my parents as they started it and I finished it. Even though it was just a pile in the washing basket but it was so long to do to which made my back and feet hurt just a bit. That was then done and it was pretty much a chilled evening. 

Why not have two Everyday Online Diary Entries in one? Kill two birds in one stone. I wouldn’t kill a bird honestly guys. It’s a saying. Yet as I didn’t do yesterday’s one I might as well add it to this one saving me doing two lots. Well I’ve got lots to do this afternoon. That’s if I actually do them to be honest with you I could just go to sleep right now. 

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (19.6.18) Tuesday Online Diary Entries – Prepping Family Members Of medical needs

I’ve decided to continue fighting this mental health no matter how hard it is at the moment and not wanting to do anything but sleep. However the one thing that it’s currently trying to make not wanting to do anything is blogging and writing; no matter how hard it is at the moment for me, I’m taking it each day as it comes and will be back to my normal strength with the help of your guidance and your stags to help me get through this week. 

I will probably talk about it one day but right now isn’t the time to talk about it as it’s fresh and recent. I’ve decided to do some prep work for my family after what’s happened recently so that they know what I’m taking, what’s what and etc. I’ve started to do the whole set up with a grandparent of mine because few weeks ago I had to sort their medication out as there was so many medications and not enough of one. I decided to sort them out for one of my parents and one of my aunts so they know what’s what into boxes and then labelling them and so on. 

Whilst I was doing my medication list, emergency meds box for one of my parents to use incase of emergency and what not. I decided to do the same with one of my grandparents meds so that they know what they have got what’s been on hold and what’s etc. Also made notes page so that they can write down to let each other know what’s going on, what’s needed and etc. To be able to record what’s happening. 

I’ve done exactly the same for my parents and have a back up plan for one of my aunts so if I can’t get hold of my parents or anyone else they can contact them. Straight away if there was anything that would happen to me for any reason or another. It’s all safety reasons for myself and my grandparent at the time if something goes wrong or they miss read something or something happens they will know what to look up on the sheets provided. That I’ve been provided with the information that they need at the time because sometimes it all gets confusing and what has been done and what hasn’t been done. 

I like to be organised in that sense but I didn’t really think about doing it for myself until recent events accord. So I did the same thing but my parents have my emergency meds if I need them I have the rest as I’m capable to have the ones I’ve got. Unless things change again then obviously then revise the situation but for now for me it’s the suitable situation for me to do that for the time being. 

Remember you are beautiful, your awesome, your amazing and every positive thing that I could think off right now. Remember you are not alone. You have got people that care about you, love you and most importantly to help you. I am a sucker for not asking help but when I do oh boy admitting it is hard enough but accepting that you do it’s like “okay I thought I could handle it on my own but I can’t” that’s where you need to ask for help. 

Love you all and your beautiful stags. 

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (12.6.18) Tuesday – I might of rambled

I might of rambled but in a rant for the Wednesday Evening Post at 8 blog post; I do apologise in the advance for that, I was hurt, upset and annoyed that people think it’s okay to spread lies and etc. I just don’t actually understand why people do that to be honest.

Maybe people think that I’m threatening them or over confident because I know things but at the end of the day; I know how to do my job, know how to deal with things that go wrong, I don’t just sit there be all clicky clicky with people and talk about weight watchers and all that.

I’ve sat all the way through that with people but I just don’t see any difference or anything to be honest unless you’re one of those people’s who actually stick to the healthy living style and work out. That’s when you begin to notice the whole change in people; it’s all about the willingness of doing something for yourself, and no one else because its like saying if you don’t do for yourself do it for me. That’s not how it all works because I know for the fact that I never do something I want to improve on about myself for someone else; if I actually want to do something that I want to do, I do it for me, myself and I.

I have that work ethic that I’m hard on myself to continue to improve myself in so many ways so that I know I can succeed in life no matter how long it takes. Yes it gets me down; yes it takes me longer than anyone else, yes I get there in the end but at the end of the day once it achieved and it gets there I for one know I’m proud of what I have achieved.

Since leaving school I had a choice of not continuing to improve my spelling, my reading and what not but the love of writing that I had for it. It gave me the confidence in myself to actually continue to improve myself in so many levels that I chose not to give up. I chose not to let my learning disability or my hearing impairment define me for who I am; I could of applied and still can if I wanted to for a disability, but I was brought up the fact that my parents wanting me to have a choice and see how I do in life. If it wasn’t for them in who I am today of not giving up or letting the things that I know can hold me back.

Yeah I have my moments in thinking I’m not good at something or I’m not good at this. I even had this conversation about my writing with someone yesterday (11.6.18) they were like you got to keep trying. I know that they are trying to help me build my confidence up, keep me going and what not because they know how much my confidence drops.

They even know my dream goal is and I know I’ve got a long way to go but I know I’ve got a load of doubts in my head that I think it’s not going to work. However it’s only the early stages of making it happen. I always believe that no matter what happens it’s okay you can start again.

I literally use my grandparents toughness on myself; tell people how it is, and everything because it’s my coping mechanisms. Trust me I’m the worst person to keep everything in until all of the sudden I just snap and take it out on someone who might be the last one to send me over the edge. Yesterday I had one of those bad days one lead to another and I just literally took it out on someone even though they didn’t know what my day was like until I explained.

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (5.6.18) Tuesday – When everything hurts!

Tuesday lovely Tuesday. Still cloudy with no sun but it’s still humid and warm yet still no rain or thunderstorms to clear the air. Would be quite nice to have some sort of warmth with blue skies and the sun being out to be honest with you. This blog is generally a down time blog; one of those chit chat blogs to be honest with you because lots have gone on to which I might talk about, I might not talk about them as we all know I don’t particularly want my whole life story on social media.

You probably thinking what does she mean “when everything hurts!” Let me explain since I was a kid I was prone to sprain my ankles and wrists; doctors couldn’t see anything that was wrong at the time, however I never really got it checked out properly since because they couldn’t find anything so I just got on with it and strap them up myself.

Hitting my late teens my knees had started to go and I was like great more things to sort out. I do go over my shoes a fair amount; I always had problems with shoes and my feet to be honest don’t know why, I think that’s why I prefer no shoes to be honest if only I can just go out walking around barefoot it would be amazing. Within the last year it or so my feet have decided to become painful where it’s too much to walk on or put weight on them no matter what I do.

I’ve been trying to in recent days or months to not go over in my shoes to see if I can correct my walking ability but obviously it comes with a price at the end of the day. I went out for a bit earlier didn’t realise how much it hurts just walking on them I came back home to find a blister on in between my toes and swollen feet. Pretty much wonder why I hate shoes to be honest and my feet.

Fancy that it was all cloudy and humid this morning by late afternoon it becomes hot, sunny and nice with hardly any clouds in the sky. I thought I’ll get out for a bit just for my mental health; I have a habit of joking about with my mental health done it twice now on two different people now, once I was working with a driver who I get on with and I told her that she’s nuts. She told me that means your nuts too and replied “yeah and I’m on medication for it” she cracked up laughing because it was true and it wasn’t what she meant on which I knew and we both just burst out laughing.

Someone said to me “are you mentally nuts” being me as well I come out with “that’s why I’m on medication” haha. I like to be control my mental health and make a joke about it because it helps me deal with it a bit more along with having ago at it when I’m just about to have a serious moment. It’s only recently I’ve started to have ago at it because I’m fed up with it now; so when my anxiety starts to kick in I turn around and say “Anxiety you piece of sh**”. Makes me feel a whole lot better because when I’m in not good frame of mind I put myself down so now I turn the tables and put it down…..

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (30.5.18) Wednesday – Finding yourself again.

Life on the open road is like a blanket journal that has no ending to it as you fill the pages up when you go along. I guess it’s like that when your first born to the world that you make what you are over the years of growing up. Looking back I guess I was outgoing at somethings like saying what I mean and be quite a lot straight forward where I don’t like something. Along side with being rather softy but fair at the same time.

Since the rain has arrived yesterday (29.5.18) I’ve been a bit struggling the worst bit is it’s the holidays for the week and it’s like I could do something but it’s either I can’t or I can’t be bothered. That’s when I start to think about things that I know I shouldn’t be thinking. I do however put my make up on and do my hair everyday so that I can feel slightly good about myself in so many ways.

Yeah I don’t sleep that well most nights recently it’s become a lot worse minus last night (29.5.18) it’s not because I sleep through the day it’s generally because my head can’t shut up talking. I should be currently finishing tidying me room; well see the floor at least so that I can walk across it properly, I want to do it but I just can’t be bothered and so on.

Happily writing blogs and watching YouTube videos at the moment yeah I’m struggling again with my blogs but at the end of the day it’s something worth while and for me it’s like a safe haven for me because I can put my emotions and thoughts down. Weather it’s a story, Life on the open road project, (to which I need to write a page on it might nick a few bits from here) and many others.

The fact that I’ve been trying to find myself a bit more by sorting out some of the things that have been dragging me down the past year or so; yet still got a long way to go to be fully complete at the end of the day small steps in recovery is good enough for me, and good enough for you guys too……

TuesdayOnline Diary Entries: “The thoughts are getting louder!” – Story Based

I can’t control this feeling that’s happening inside me it feels like our senses has come alive where the chemistry is building; it’s something that we are feeling there’s nowhere you can hide. Yet it’s becoming louder and it’s getting louder. We are going to get stronger, going to feel better because you know that you can’t tame this energy inside.

I’ve got to reach higher like I want to burn like a fire because you got to move faster as you can’t tame this energy inside. The perpetual emotion is just a ripple in the ocean like a shadow in the night but the changes that we make is for the better because we’re going through it together there’s nowhere you can hide. 

It’s more than just a feeling where we’re we are building a dream that we’ve always had when we have our clear sights on it. We watch it ignite as we know how to survive because we are the powerful that can change the world as we are reclaiming our unity that can’t divide us or push around. We are tearing it down because we are tearing it down as we are having the time of our life. 

They can hear the thundering sounds under their feet wondering what’s happening because it’s going to get louder we are getting stronger as we are going to feel better they can’t tame this energy inside anymore. We are going to reach higher we going to burn like a fire; they can’t mice any faster like we can, they can’t tame this energy inside. 

Our love is growing faster, louder, stronger, better, faster, louder and better because we can’t tame this energy inside.