Everyday Online Diary Entries: (6.6.18) Wednesday – Story of My Life – Story Based

Story of my life when I’m kept in the dark about things but I wish you could be with me now; as I can’t sleep without you next to me so I have to go to the river to pray because I need something that can wash out the pain, and the memories that are flashing in my minds eye that I don’t want to see. I keep sleeping with you’re ghost the ghost of you laying next to me to keep these demons away from me. 

My friend have figured you out they saw what’s inside of you because there’s wasn’t anything for you to hide; there was no evil coming through from you all they could see was your kindness, loving, patient and protection coming through. Everytime you were near I could feel these eyes sitting on the wall watching every move that I make; even with the bright light of the sun they are there in the shade but your loving heart makes my spirit have hope that I can do this, knowing that I’m not a lone in this. 

I had to go through hell on my own to be able to prove that I’m not insane because I had met the devils name and now I’m starting to know his name. I then find your burning love coming through holding your hand out whilst everything was burning out by the water. 

Sitting here with you as we stare at these written walls are the stories that I can’t explain what they all mean because I just leave my heart open for days but my thoughts stay there on these walls for days. The morning that I have something to show you and I took you to this room with all of my stories of my past covering all over the walls and ceilings. 

You knew that I love you to the bones and knew I struggled to open up but now you finally got to see and read what was happening in my head. You didn’t realise how much I was dying inside of me; these words that are written on the walls will be on my grave stone because that’s how much I hated about myself, no matter how many times I’ve been to hell you know I’m gone there when I’m in a bad dark place. I just want the ground to open beneath me so wide that I can get away from this life; in away I’m holding on too tight to you from falling into the hole that has nothing in between. 

This is the story of my life battling with mental health; I just want you to take me home even if you drive all night to keep me warm because I’m frozen in time, I wish this wasn’t the story of my life but it is and you give me hope, love, patience until I’m no more broke inside. 

The words that are written on these walls are in colour I can’t change them because I don’t know how to but they are attacking my heart that’s widely open in its cage. I know in the morning as I can see the light creeping up over the hill as I lay on the floor with you and your arms wrapping around me protecting me. Although I am broken without you I think I would of been gone tonight; the fire that was beneath my feet was burning so bright, the way that I was holding you and you were holding onto me so tight like there was nothing can become between us. I’ve been waiting for this time to come around but I didn’t know how to explain myself I felt like I was chasing something. 

The things that I’ve seen, the things that I’ve heard, the things that I’ve experienced with. The is the story of my life battling with mental health. 

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Blog Aid Remembrance: Victims of 22.5.17 Concert Ariana Grande Manchester Concert

Contribution to the victims and victims families who were effected in the Manchester Concert 22.5.17.

Right now I’m in that state of mind like I should of been dead because I haven’t got anymore tears left to cry. Here I am picking myself up everyday trying to love myself again, living my life again and I’m on my own picking myself up. We continued to turn up showing brave faces knowing deep down that we have a long way to go; I continue to have nightmares, major events and many more. It’s like I haven’t got no tears in my body like I’ve ran out but boy I hope you understand how hard it is for me try but it changed my life forever. It doesn’t matter how, what, where or who tries to help. Coming out to events or out for the day with friends or my family it’s hard work for me but I know I’ve got to do this.

The state of my mind of looking back when it happened and seeing people who have passed away I look at myself all the time glad that I’m still living but it could of been me I shouldn’t be here. I’ve got no tears left to cry but I know I’ll be crying every year on that day for the people who lost their lives because I’m not giving up on my life no matter how hard it is for me. Yet I’m going to do it for me and them. I just want them to come with me on this journey either beside me or mentally because I’m picking up for two people not just the one.

They point out the colours in you and I can see them too and boy I like them a lot as we can see them flying up the path to the heavens up above us like there was no tomorrow. I hate it that I’m living with the mental health but coming out in the rain letting it be my tears for once it’s like washing my sorrows and fears away for the day.

I’m not going to give up I’m going to fight for my life and those who lost their lives that day. As Ariana Grande song says “if you want it, take it. I should’ve said it before, tried to hide it, fake it. I can’t pretend anymore. I only wanna die alive. Never by the hands of a broken heart. Don’t wanna hear you lie tonight, now that I’ve become who I really am, this is the part when I say I don’t want ya. I’m stronger than I’ve been before. This is the part I break free ‘cause I can’t resist if no more.’

Mental Health Issues: Insecurities within myself

Apologies for not posting anything yesterday (19.5.18) I literally had bad day yesterday crying, anxiety attacks, hurt and angry about something which is personal not sure wether to talk about it with you guys but at the end of the day it’s my chose. I hope you guys forgive me not for posting anything yesterday I literally had a struggling to write things yesterday.

However I will talk about one thing that I felt yesterday as you can tell it’s insecurities within myself. The reasons why I’m feeling like it is because when I trust someone or have people accuse me for something that I didn’t do or take something out of me because they are hurting too. Yet I don’t take it out on them because I’m hurting unless it was them that hurt me; kind of what happened yesterday for me, losing it with someone due to the fact that they made me feel so insecure about something that they knew about.

Yet they still go behind my back ignore what I’m most insecure about and make it out that’s all about them. To be quiet frankly it makes me feel like I’m not good enough, feel pretty enough and etc. Yes I’m always self conscious about myself all the time but even when I’m taking pictures of myself knowing that I won’t like what I take because I start to put myself down.

Believe me I am so harsh and hard on myself you can’t imagine. The fact is it’s how I am and I have good days where I actually look good feeling confident and comfortable about myself but yet sometimes looking like the way I am on a good day I feel horrible. The fact is that I’m trying to take control of my life again making sure I’m doing the right thing by me and how I make myself feel respectable enough knowing that I’m fine and etc.

(Daily Stories) Mental Health: You start to believe that you are going psycho

This week from the 14th to 20th May 2018 in the United Kingdom is Mental Health Awareness Week I believe that it was brought in by Heads Together which is formed by Prince William, Prince Harry and Kate. As you guys know that I bring this topic up now and then but most recently this past week or so as I’ve been having a few days by struggling with my own mental health.

I try and talk about it as much as I can but sometimes I don’t want to make my official personal blog all about my mental health because I don’t like talking about it at the best of times and I don’t like to draw attention to myself about it. You guys starting to know or learned that I don’t draw or make everything about myself when I’m writing my blogs. I like to bring positivity, fun and safe environment for everyone who comes and reads my blogs. Yes I may start off saying at the beginning of the week I might be struggling this week; yet you guys understand that to which shows the love, patience and guidance that if I’m having a bad day during the week I’ll try and write a blog or two if I can but if not you know in the next blog before I start I would apologies.

Yesterday morning after I had done my first shift of my job I had the worst morning you could imagine; currently paying the price of a bruise forehead forgot all about it until I started putting make up on this morning and every time I put the make up brush on my head it hurt, that’s when I remembered why it hurts you could say itself harming or not but it’s up too you. I just got frustrated and upset yesterday I didn’t really know what to do.

I still managed to do three blogs for you yesterday amazingly even with that going on; I went a bit of a psycho where my past came back to haunt me to which I took it out on a friend of mine who wasn’t replying to me, which made it 10 times worse at the time and he started on me for accusing him being a lair. He realised after I through back in his face that he accused me with things before when he was down, not trusting me and etc.

He soon realised that I did have a valid point that he chucked a load of untrue things towards me; he knew my past where people lied, hurt me and many other things. My friend soon realised that I was in the most vulnerable place at the time and need him to protect me from my thoughts as I was too tired to fight anymore at the time. Today (17.5.18) I woke up feeling alright but still didn’t have a great night due to not sleeping properly again and all my joints were starting to play up. As you guys know I suffer with joint problems at the best of times; they kept me up most of the night (probably thinking why don’t you take something for the pain) the fact is there is so much you can take to stop the pain. However putting it all to the side I have had done a lot of walking on the first two days this week plus my knees don’t really bend as much as they should do. I think it’s called “Hyper mobility” where certain areas don’t like to bend and become very stiff. I think it’s also part of your brain that’s been cut off by telling you to not bend as much or not at all. I do try and get them to loosen up as the best I can even if it’s going to hurt.

Putting that to aside how I know all that; that is another Daily Stories for another day, this morning I felt like I was getting better after having a good few hours sleep. I could feel the difference between having a complete melt down and everything to a stage where I knew my insecurities and certain things were there before I went into that danger zone like I was yesterday (16.5.18). It was that safe warning that I was coming out of the danger but in the amber section like the traffic like Red – is very dangerous, Amber – you’re okay but not really in the green or the red and then Green – you’re safe and in the good place.

I’m currently in between amber and green right now which is a good thing because I know that I’m getting better by feeling it with inside myself. The evilness of the cursed mental health is being beaten one way or another; that’s also the reason why I chose the queen of spiders in the picture for mental health category because I find that the colours that I chose for the picture is how I feel dark black with grey spiders all that I can see is the colours of that queen’s hair shining so brightly when I’m in the dark place.

(15.5.18 – Daily Stories) Late Late Late Stories: Day 2 of a sleepless night thanks to…….

Late Late Late Stories is where I’m up still not being able to sleep wether it’s something on my mind, just can’t sleep or something that I can’t sleep for any other reason. You may think “oh someone is dreaming about you. That’s why your still awake” . I’ll tell you what if someone is dreaming about me they can well go do one because it’s been two days now that I haven’t had a proper night sleep; second of all it’s day 2 of a sleepless night thanks to ……ANXIETY!

The fact that I don’t understand why someone or some people or anything that makes you worried or anxious just makes you stay up all night knowingly that you’re working the next day as well. You find whoever caused the worries or your worried about something makes you so tired, stressed, emotional strained and etc. I’m actually slowly falling asleep right now as I’m writing this; it’s like more of a comfort for me to write down something that might be happy or something that can send me to sleep not actually be afraid.

Psst psst. Guys I managed to fall asleep for a few hours but it wasn’t long enough sleep until I got rudely awoken by my alarm clock to tell me to get up at least twice but just incase I start to fall asleep again I’ve set my alarm clock for 7:00am which is half an hours time. It’s just that I’ve work to get ready for. So this morning I’m feeling alright just extremely tired, medication taken, bit of food, now on caffeine my type of caffeine is Pepsi Max by the way guys I don’t normally drink it first thing in the morning but when it comes to the kids in your job and half asleep yourself you’re like I’m going to lose this match.

In the end anxiety which turned from being hot and bothered to it the crazy anxiety mode. Do apologies to my closest friend for the episode but am I really sorry NOT! Haha. Have apologies to them now because I know how annoying they are and get make it out my psycho moments of my anxiety bothers them but I do kindly remind them that I have or had to put up with a lot of there’s and don’t complain. As my cousin would say “if they were doing it to me I would off walked away” by the way if your reading this dear cousin off mine. I’m all good now okay don’t need to worry remember the category title “Late Late Late Story”. It’s my thought process okay of what’s one mind is like at the time of having an anxiety.

Sunday Special (Daily Stories): The Storms that we didn’t have to face at the time

Hey, hey brother do you remember when we were young we had no fear of anything? Hey sister do you still believe in the things that we dreamt that we would discover? It’s like our childhood never really happened but I still have faith and still believe in chasing rainbows because storms don’t last forever remember. 

We can hold our hands together through this storm forever we just need to remember to hold our hands through this together.  Hey mother am I making you proud or could I do better in what I’m doing now? Hey hey father there’s weight on my shoulders but I know it’s not over because I still have the faith and still believe in rainbows. They haven’t crush me completely because this storm doesn’t last forever  just remember we can hold our hands together through this storm. 

So spread your love and give it all you got remember to keep your head held up high and don’t give up. Hey brother, sister, mother, father everything will be okay don’t give up we will keep our heads held high because this storm won’t last forever just remember that we can hold our hands together. Even through this storm we can spread our love to everyone; give it all you got, hold your head up high and don’t give up because spreading your love will get us through this storm.

Bloggers: My current favourite youtubers bloggers at the moment

Hey fellow readers, bloggers, subscribers, followers and everyone else before I introduce to you my favourite youtubers at the moment. I want to put forward a apologies to you all after last week hit and miss with my blogs I know I did quite well on writing some out for you guys; this week it’s definitely going to be a hit and miss, why? You ask. Good question it’s because currently we are hitting highs of 25 nearly in the uk; I for one not complaining about it because I love it, yet it over heats my iPad and my phone so I can barely touch them long enough to do anything. 

I wanted to share with you guys my current favourite youtubers at the moment I do watch a few off my other favourite youtubers as well but the most recent ones to date are Omargoshtv, Moe Sargi and Danny Dorrito. Not too sure how I fell upon them to be honest with you but I think it was watching Urban Explorers at the time. Ever since then I just been watching these three guys videos. 

However they do risk their lives in some of their videos to the point of dangerous just filming. I recommend don’t copy them but watch the content because it’s just like you’re on the edge of you’re seat every time something goes wrong or try and see what they can see. Why not check them out as it’s a lot harder for me to explain what they do. They are amazing to watch. 

Teen Lifestyle: “Bet on it” – Story Based

Better late than never but I did say this week was a hit and miss with blogs not being on different days due to being ill at the start of the week. (Ill on 30.4.18) 

You sit in class or college interviews or college open evenings; yet you find that everybody’s always talking to you trying to get into your head but all you want to do is listen to your own heart talking, and need to count on yourself instead of everyone else telling you what you can and can’t do. 

Do you ever lose yourself of getting what you want? Did you ever want to get on a ride then realise you just want to get off? Did you ever push away the ones away that you’ve should’ve of held close to you? Did you ever let go somewhere along the line? Did you ever not know what to do with your life? 

The fact that you’re not going to stop because that’s not who you are; you just have to give it all even if that’s what you got as it’s your only plan, will you ever find what you have lost? Deep down you know you can because you can bet on it bet on yourself because that’s what you want to make it right for yourself; that’s the only way to turn your life around as today is the day, your that type of person who means what they have to say and you can bet on it.

How will you known if there’s a path worth taking? Should you question every move you make? Yet with all that you have lost you feel like you’re heart is breaking but you don’t want to make the same mistake. 

The same question keeps on spinning around in you’re head like did you ever doubt your dream will come true? Did you ever blame the world, but never blame yourself? You will never try to live a lie again because you don’t want to win this game if you can’t play it your way. 

Your not going to stop for being who you are; all you got to do is to give it all you got even if you find what you lost because you know you can by betting on it, as you want to make it right as it’s the only way to turn your life around and that day is today. You know perfectly well you’re that type of person who means what you got to say. You know you can bet on it. 

Hold up give me room to think as you got to bring it down to you’re options by practicing you’re swing of doing your own thing; it’s no good if all your see yourself but in someone else is dream but not yours, however you got to go out on your own even if the world is such a scary place and all the answers to you’re questions all inside of you. All you got to do is to believe in yourself that you can do it.

Netflix Reviews: The Awakening Film 2018

The Awakening Story Based: In 1921, England became one of the countries whom overwhelmed by the loss and grief of World War 1. An Hoax exposer Florence Cathcart visits a boarding school to explain the sightings of a child ghost. However ever everything that she believes in unravels as the “missing” memories begs to show themselves. 

I’ve just recently watched The Awakening film that’s based on horror/supernatural themed; I may off seen it before and writing about it at some point as I could remember parts of the story line every so often, if I have writing this film review before please let me know to jog my memory. Thanks guys. 

The film “The Awakening” was realised in November 2011 a british film creation and around the years after the First World War. A young lady shall we say was asked to come to solve the mystery of this ghostly child but the truth to be told it was to bring her back home; the home that she grew up in her early years, that was when she soon realise through out the film that all of the memories came flooding back to her. 

I wouldn’t want to spoil it if you want to watch it. I do have to say I wouldn’t watch it again for awhile because it’s me and that’s how I work it to be honest with you. Pretty sure I said that the last time I wrote about this film and now watched it again. For me I find watching supernatural films a sense of meaning what things could happen and what’s out there; like for example Most Haunted, Ghost Adventures and so on. It’s like a sense of a reality check in some way or another for me and comfort thing. 

However with films I have to watch them at least once in a blue moon go to speak; the fact that I needed something to shock me to the core, make me jump and etc like “The Awakening” it helps me to like put my life into prospective in some what way. Reminds me that life isn’t so bad when I’m having a bad day with my mental health and what not; you guys probably saying “you shouldn’t be watching those things when you have mental health” like I said I don’t watch these types of movies all time. 

Mental Health Issues: Anxiety and Depression gets you into trouble.

Do you find that sometimes you’re mental health issues get you into trouble at the best of times? I find that a lot because either one keeps me up most of the night and I struggle to get out of bed in the morning even if it’s a work day but yet sometimes both attack me at the same time. You know that I hate talking about these types of things but at some point it’s good to talk about these things to be able to make people aware that it’s out there and people need to be aware that it’s happening. 

I do find it increasingly annoying that I try so hard to fight all of this everyday no matter how much I am feeling; I still don’t feel like I’m good enough even when the sun is out I still feel like, even tiny little bits that are really unnecessary to the point of  a dog who’s a pain in the arse who’s constantly barking along with the owners having ago at or something. You’re just like seriously man make my mood feel even worse. 

To be honest it puts me off for even having one long term to be honest with you. No matter how much I like them it’s annoying. I find that even people who are self centred and can be manipulative can make you feel 10 times worse because they always try to find away to change it to where they can make it all about them. That gets me down by no matter what you try and do to help them they use it against you like you haven’t done anything. 

You’re like okay so I’m not allowed to feel or saying anything that’s happening in my life because everything is about you. Okay then. Fine then. Yet they say how can you be so strong and everything. I don’t know I just do I sit on it guard my heart to the point off I explode then they realise not everything is about them at all. They realise you’ve been struggling way more than they realise and you don’t talk about it until you explode in their face. I know when something sent me over the edge I break down crying and I’m just as exhausted more afterwards than ever before.