Everyday Online Diary Entries – (22.7.18) Sunday – Seen better days

Today been a bit better day other than one of my siblings decides to gas the whole house with eggnogs hair dye remover which stunk the whole of first floor of the house to which put me off in redoing my hair. So I didn’t really want to my hair with the smell of eggnogs lingering around to the point of me wanting to vomit of the smell. So I stayed in my room most of the time and slept I think or was it Youtube? I can’t remember been a long morning by then.

My sibling then about 2:30pm decides to gas the whole house out again with roasted chicken noodles which lingered whole of the bottom floor of the house. Vomit! It was definitely the D-day Sunday we haven’t had one of those where my sibling decides bomb shell every gross smell that they could find imaginable. To be fair we haven’t had it for a very long time but when they do it that’s when you realise how bad it can get. It’s bad enough you can still smell the eggnog smell on their head because it takes weeks to go away.

In the end decided to redhead my hair again because it really needed doing no matter how notty it is and needed cutting. I needed some sort of normality of confidence back into my life; I have forgotten about how long the process was when you’re doing it yourself, yet I still manage to do it on point that covered the roots of darkness and brightened it up a bit more.

It was pretty much a lazy day for me but I did have my grandparents round to see the fishes and they came for dinner. One of my grandparents who has dementia kept telling me smile “don’t you ever smile?” So I just do the cheeky grin or something to please them. When I told them it was time for dinner after picking two bowls and a bit of tomatoes; one of them stumbled which they nearly fell in the pond, they went to me “there’s a slope there” I replied “it’s always been there” even though they didn’t have their hearing aids in.

Don’t know what to do about that front but hey ho what can you do when they take them out for something and you don’t know. They soon confess to you that they’ve taken them out to use the phone or they haven’t put them in all day. Pretty much need a bit of telling off from me sometimes for not having them in but they put them in when I do tell them to put them in. They do get a bit sassy back when they want to be but then again you wonder where I get it from to be honest.

Everyday Online Diary Entries – (15.7.18) Sunday – I think I need guttering!

Guttering? What’s one of those? You probably asking; then your defiantly a snowflake because you should know what it is, it’s the black thing that goes around your house to catch the rain and go down to the sewers. However I need some sort of guttering for myself because you can always tell when I’m sweating due to the fact I’m literally drenched. 

No matter what I do it doesn’t seem to work. The heat doesn’t help one bit either because it brings out everything else that’s wrong with me. Such fun. One of my parents fell for it when they tried to give me a hug one time; I didn’t have enough time to tell them that I was literally drenched of sweat, they were like eww your all wet and I replied I was about to say I’m drenched from sweat. 

One time of my grandparents touched my face and I did warn them I’m sweaty they still did it; “oh your wet” “yeah I’m sweating” we both laughed about that and then a few minutes later they touched my right arm as I showed them it was completely drenched more than the other one. They were like that’s horrible. Haha.

We finally got fishes for the pond two Butterfly Kois and 10 rainbow mixed fishes they are so cute. We’ve worked out that one of the rainbow fishes is cocky and confident exploring the whole pond. We then have one that just hid behind some pond weed didn’t want to explore as much. It was scared cat one it was so funny you can tell which ones going to do well but they will be all confident once they get use to it all. 

Well excited and happy about the fishes they are so cool and cute might get me out more now to sit down there when it’s all finished and etc. Just want to congratulate France on winning the World Cup today. 

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (24.6.18) Sunday – Stop building people’s egos so high.

This could conderdict myself in so many ways but I genuinely hate people who focus on people who are more confident and have big egos because they make them so high and might for so many reason until one day they come crashing down to reality of I’m actually not that great. Let me explain the contrast of this years World Cup 2018 and 2012 World Cup and the past world cups since we won it back in 1960’s. By the way if you guys haven’t worked out I’m from United Kingdom. I am proud to be British on somethings but not other tings. 

Today (24.6.18) we had won our second game of football in the World Cup; where the England players showed twice now that they all worked hard, tight nite group of defending and working together in turns to score a goal. This actually shows that they came out top form because they believed in each other; back each other up, and being more positive throughout the games that they played. Especially the coach picked young players to take part in the World Cup to be able to get their names out there and most importantly putting faith back into their own country again. 

Literally no well known players who needs their ego or confidence a boost because we all know that they will get too big headed; to think that they need to shine in the spot light making it all about them, when actually it’s not all about them it’s the whole team. 

There has been so many footballers in the past and we all know who they are so I won’t bore you with the list of their names as you guys know them if you follow football. They think they are all great, powerful, everything they do is to make their team to look good and etc. Guess what they actually aren’t that great because they play that silly tantrum/drama card because their coach told them to or because they aren’t getting what they want. 

That’s because they get the attention from the coaches who pay them more money than anyone else; continually building their egos with press making out that they are great, not this 2018 team they brought it all back from the old school ways before the war started and no one played the drama card or anything like that. 

People just find that they are really intimidating to the point of they themselves actually want to give up on achieving things because of one person is getting al the attention and being focused on. This is why monjority of people actually don’t really care about people and the footballers due to their egos at all they want is a team that actually work together, believe in each other and a coach who knows what they are doing and most importantly believe in the team that they actually picked. Working all together and following it through the game plan to achieve, give the best performance that they can and most importantly knowing that they’ve got a best coach who they believe in and who believes in them.

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Everyday Online Diary Entries: (10.6.18) Sunday – I’m sorry but I’m actually not sorry for who I am

All the things that you want will be taken away from you soon enough because all of the things that you’ve been doing to me knowing that you’re in my place; keep on smiling and waving whilst you can because the payback is one bad bitch, as I’m one baddest person who plays by the rules and respects the true women in this world.

I may look like I’m taking revenge on you but feeling like a 10 is the best ever feeling that I have ever been. I know how bad it must feel when it hurts that the one you thought you loved doesn’t love you but loves someone else; yet to see me and him being happy like this making him feel at ease, now that you’re looking at me like you regretted this and ain’t too proud to bet to be my friend but the chance you will never have or get. I know how bad it must hurt you to see me like this but it gets worse when the payback hurts for being so pushy to get what you want.

You shouldn’t mess with the best British person you ever come across because you can’t have this life or the person you want. However it’s nice of me to take it off your hands as I’m the true princess of this country and his world. I’m sorry but I’m actually not sorry for being who I am; in this life I never achieved in things that I wanted however seeing you looking so bad makes me feeling so good, and showing up like I knew that I would inspired me to know that the tables have turned. As I’ve never wanted this in the first place but to be with the one that I love I would do anything for them just to be with them; whatever you touch now will burn because you will lose everything that you have, as I’m the one he wants.

Fitness doesn’t matter to me but telling me how I feel and take a chill. I rather you just drop dead because no one actually likes you; yeah I know you thought you were the bigger person with better things, yet I’m the one that has the grass greener under me with a halo above my head. If you brighten up your colour you can see that you can’t have this anymore as we walk and talk; you come to realise that I’ve just shown you out of my life and his for good.

I’m sorry but I’m not actually sorry for who I am anymore you can walk out of my life for good.

Everyday Online Dairy Entries: (3.6.18) Sunday – People standing you up or work forgets that your going away.

This week just gone I was off for the week from my job I pretty much I hate holidays now because this happens. Last weekend I arranged to meet up with someone on a Tuesday saying that they will meet up and everything; all off the sudden when Tuesday came no response what so ever, no time that was organised or anything and they haven’t even given me the reason why they didn’t messaged me for not turning up.

However then you have people telling you how much they hate you and everything because you can’t help them out with anything and they know perfectly well you don’t have money or something sort. Then they apologise that they were being paranoid and so on; however it gives you no excuse to continue taking it out on someone that they love, trust me when I’m in one I don’t have them that often people know they are in trouble because they’ve upset me and in for it.

Now you want to know what happened to my long weekend away. To be honest with you I don’t even know myself been told it was work forgetting that they booked time off and really needed them. To be quite honest with you how can you forget someone who is going away? Hopefully they will let have the evening off (3.5.18) and have Monday to Tuesday off so that they can have the rest of the holiday that they booked if not they will refund the money that we spent on the hotel. This is their job I’m talking about.

I just hate when I try to get hold of people then they either responded later on or don’t respond at all and make an excuse one way or another. It’s not like I have trust issues or anything or be let down by loads of people all the time. You probably asking how do I cope with it all. I’ll explain it all for another day.

Remember ‘be you, be yourself, love yourself, don’t let negativity of people get to you or let your own negative control your mind’

Sunday Online Diary Entries: “Written in the stars” – Story Based – Countries who celebrate Mother’s Day (13.5.18)edel

Oh it’s written in the stars a million miles away but the main message is “thank you Mum and Happy Mother’s Day” seasons come and go but I will never change because I’m on my way home soon. Let’s go because you are now listening to me now as you can hear my voice in the wind; they say that they have heard nothing like this in a while, that’s why they play my song in so many different languages and that’s because I got more hits  than a disciples children.

Mum now I’m like a young man or young woman I only cry over massive attacks that I may witness from the front line to terrorist attacks to home attacks. I stay out of trouble where I make hits that will work with a racket or a bat on the playing field; without you I wouldn’t be the same because look at my jacket and hat, I’m look so damn good and I’m so down to earth. 

I’m brining gravity back by adopting by the major of my state, county, my army family because I want my family back and the people who work so hard just to get their salary taxed where the hell is all the sanity at. I use to be that kid that no one cared about at the end of the day. That’s why you have to keep screaming until they hear you out. 

It’s written in the stars a million miles away a message to the main person because seasons come and go but I will never change as I’m on my way home to you. All you done for me I was the one that needed to change but I’ve never changed from being your son or daughter. When we ate we always tipped the waiter or waitress but I needed a break I needed some home truths even for a second I even gave up believing and praying; I kept you awake when I got into the wrong crowd since that day I had a cunning plan to change my life around, you thought it was a good idea because I wasn’t going anywhere but I knew I that someday I will understand and you always told me you’re messages are written in the stars. 

As I look up to the sky I can see your messages in the stars clear as day I knew you written them a million miles away. I promise you now that I will never change now and go back to the way I was. We won’t change because I’m in my way home now.


Sunday Online Diary Entries: “Disturbia” – Story Based

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum. Repeating over and over in my head what’s wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? I’m going crazy now like no one can hear me or save me now. There’s no more gas in the rig I don’t know even how to get it started but nothing is heard, nothing said, I can’t even speak about it. It’s my life and out of my head yet I don’t want to think about it feels like I’m going insane. It’s like a thief in the night.

A thief that would come and grabs you to which consumes you like a disease of the mind that can control you rather too close for comfort. It’s like throwing your brake lights on as we’re in the city of wonder to which isn’t going to play nice so you better watch out because you might just go under so think twice. So my advice is to train your thoughts to which will be altered so you must falter to be wise.

Your mind is in disturber off mental health it’s like the darkness is the light that disturb you for life; am I scaring you tonight because you’re not use to what you like, the faded pictures that on the wall and it’s like they are talking to me. Disconnecting all the call and your phone don’t even ring but I got out of here or figure this shit out because it’s too close for comfort.

Did you see that thief in the night to come and grab me it would creep up inside me to consume me with the disease if the mind to which control me making me feel like a monster. My mind is being disturbed like the darkness is the light yet it’s talking to me like it’s scaring me tonight.

All I want you to do is release me from this curse that I am in because I’m trying to maintain but I’m struggling. If you can’t help me then just go because I think I’m going to go…


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Sunday Online Diary Entries: “Unbroken” – Story Based

My test feels so locked up tight like I would never feel again; like I’m stuck in some love prison but with high anxiety, and they threw away the key, terrified that I wouldn’t be saved no way to get help and then I stared into your eyes which made me realise the possibilities. I’m going to try and love you like I’ve never been broken by you but I’m going to tell you like it is as if it’s never been spoken tonight I’m going try and let go. I’m going to give it like it’s never been taken but I’m going to fall like I don’t need saving.

I stayed in my tower because you fell into the trap congratulations you played the same thing as everyone else all the same lies that people say but different face. There’s something in the words you say that makes it all real but there’s a need for me to run because you’re making me believe in everything and I need to go and hide as you are giving me every little piece of me like a puzzle.

Now I know that you were never really going to save me like I hope you would so please please stop breaking my heart. It can’t take anymore pain from you because I can’t breathe anymore and I can’t cope anymore. I want to sleep like I don’t have to wake up to feeling the pain that you have caused. You were never ready to save me.

Sunday Online Diary Entries: “Do I really want you back.” – Story Based

Have you ever wonder if this is the last time I see your face? Is it tears or is fucking rain saying “thank god he’s gone” I wish I could say something that doesn’t sound insane but lately I haven’t trusted my brain because you tell me that you’ll change but I just see what you can do and say nothing. No matter where I go I get the same blooming question “do I really want you back?” I know that I will never get over you but then I’m kicking myself because I’m lying to myself every time. I don’t actually want you back because you’re a piece of tool that I’ve thrown at the back of the garage that I don’t want because it’s broken.
Do you always remember how you made me laugh in the mornings when I wake up; yet you don’t understand how much you hurt me even when you try to make it all right, yet I still reach for you and the day I chose to tell you this is going to work anymore because I’m hurting and I’m ready to move on but I still dream of you. I know even when I said that I’ve moved on I’m still dreaming of you; I know that you’re gone now but I still blame myself of where I gone wrong but you come back, into my life saying you’ve changed.
Yet I know when something that kills you makes you stronger because you know that you’re not alone in the end as I’m starting to realise I’m so much better without you. So I ask myself do I really want you back in my life? The answer is no because at the end of the day you hurt me and you have to work on gaining my trust from what you have done to me. All the end it’s worth it because I know your true colours in the end.

Sunday Online Diary Entries: “Left Outside Alone” – Story Based

All my life that I’ve been waiting for you to walk into my life; wether you brought me a fairytale or not, living in a fantasy without a meaning won’t be okay because I don’t fee safe like the day you had left me with my heart was left broken in despair. I want to breath but I can’t find the air within me; I always thought and beloved that you were sent from up above but yet you and me never had love to begin with yet there is so much I have to say, can you help me find a way to explain to you how much I love you now yet I wonder if you know how it feels to be so confused and torn when you say you love me and then you don’t.
Do you know how it feels to be left outside alone as it’s cold out here as you walked away once again leaving me standing here; maybe you should know just how it feels to be left outside alone, I can tell you right now that I’ve been waiting for you to bring me a fairytale my way because I’ve been left hurt so many times and yet now I know I’ve been living in a fantasy without any meaning from yours part. I know it’s nit okay because I don’t feel safe and all I need to do is pray.
Why do you play me like a game? Yet there’s always someone else to blame because there’s always a careless little man that’s always there on your side. Someday you might actually understand that there’s not much more to say but I do hope you find a way. I can tell you right now that our fairytale will soon come to an end because right now I don’t feel safe anymore.
As I pray to god. Oh Heavenly Father please save me from this painful heartbreak. Do you know how it feels to be left outside in the cold alone? Maybe you should know how it feels because you know what true love really means. As my life has been waiting. For a fairytale to come my way yet I know I’ve been living in a fantasy without meaning and it’s not okay because I don’t feel safe anymore. I need to pray.