Day 18 Of 30 Days Challenge for Autumn: The remake: Deal breakers in a relationship and why they mean something to me.

I first started writing things down for this day but I decided as I was falling asleep that it wasn’t the best or the greatest idea to put it up as it was too personal for me to publish it. This was because I took this time to write it all down how I felt what was causing me to feel this way; I soon realised that I’ve just lifted up a part of a huge weight off my chest that seemed to have troubled me for the much of my life, I can’t post that people will think I’m just being overdramatic and way too personal for me to even share it. So I decided to do a remake of Day 18 Of 30 Days Challenge for Autumn and maybe one day I’ll post up the original or not.

What are deal breakers and what they mean to me in a relationship? For me I witness so many people getting hurt or they finally find their soul mates quickly and efficiently; with me I have to kiss x amount of frogs to know who’s the right sort of person, I thought a fair few people have been the ones but not really. Some just came really good friends.

Deal breakers in a relationship as a partner/friendship and why:

Being able to click straight away – this means a lot to me because being able to understand each other but also to be able to be weird, funny and awesome together is easier for me to be able to relax more around people than feel tense and not talk much.

Tallness – I prefer tall guys not because they are easier to ask for things when things are high up but they are more sexy, handsome and cute. Let alone that I’m use to 6ft people in my life anyways it makes me feel comfortable that they are oddly.

Protective – no matter if they are a partner or a friend they are really protective of me when something is wrong where they are far or wide or close they come to my aid instantly. They are like the most protective people ever; they know I can be tough about things, unless something like my health or family issue or something they come running to protect me and make themselves known spiritually so that I know that they are there.

Feeling Happy – To be able to feel happy and enjoy life with my friends and the person that I maybe with at the time so that I don’t have to worry about my life as much as I should do.

Care, kind and respectful – To be able to care about each other along side being kind and helpful when each other needs the support that they need the most. The most important thing of them all is respect; respect each other in the way that you and them want to be treated as equally, with that I like to get on with everyone but I know that can’t be true.

This is a few things that I prefer in a partner and in a friend I do have a few friends who at my height and they have that same aspect of life that I have which is great.

Special Addition Revisit: Hello

A Special Addition revisit in memory of Daisy.

We all wondered where Caspian had gone; me, DC and KC looked over to where Daisy’s gravestone was, I told them to go and I’ll stay to which to my surprise DC agreed with me by telling me that he needed me more than ever. As I started to walk over; I looked back over I could see DC burying his head in KC’s arms, which made me have a tear rolling down my face. As I reached over to Caspian took his hand as I knew I wasn’t meant to but this was a one off; as his grandmother gave her blessing for this day to happen, when her two grandsons needed their partners the most. I whispered to him saying that a car will pick us up a bit later everyone else will go on ahead. Caspian snaked his arm around me after he let go of my hand; pulled me close to him than ever before, the fact that he knew I had tears down my face meant two things to him. One that I was crying because I wanted to take his pain away, second I was only about age 6 when his mother had died. I had started to listen to him talk but I knew he wasn’t going to let me go; I was like his prop to help him stand even though he was 6ft2, and I was 5ft4 and half but it soothed him a lot because he always would make fun about my height.

“Hello, it’s me. I was just wondering after all these years if you would like to meet to go over everything; they would say over the years at this time that it would become easy; even when the time should be supposed to heal you, but guess what I haven’t done much healing. Since Lizzy came into my life things have become much easier; less dreams than I have done, except this time of year I either keep her up or shout out in my sleep she comes running after she gets woken.

Hello, can you hear me? When we were younger and free there were so many happy memories; I have forgotten how it feels when you were you were my world, your warmth, your loving, your hugs and many more. There’s such a difference between us now more than ever; there’s a million miles away of where you are, I think you sent me Lizzy one way or another.

I have forgotten tell you. She’s just like you mum. Everything about her reminds me of you. I’m not going to let anything happen to her. I promise mum. She’s staying put for ever. Not moving. I don’t know how she does it when I get mad she looks at me the way you do or the way she says things to make me calm down. The way you do it’s like I’ve got you back. I miss you so much mum. I love you.”

We stayed a bit more longer. I hugged him tightly but gently at the same time. He kissed me on the forehead a few times; I knew the driver and security were hovering, I asked for two more minutes they agreed and went away. Caspian whispered to me and “I love you” I whispered back “I love you too”. Time was ticking along now so we had to go back otherwise everyone would worry where we had got to.

People Accuse you for something that you didn’t do


Sometimes you really wish people stop making digs that at you; especially if they claim that they’ve been messaging you or your just ignoring them, until you say “I haven’t received anything or I’m not ignoring you” 

You think your the worst person in the world for being paranoid and etc; but actually it’s not you that’s being paranoid, it’s the other person that’s being paranoid and you just sit there like. Erm hang on for one minute I did send you a message but you haven’t responded; secondly if you sent me messages I would of responded to by now, so you don’t need to be jumping down my throat if I didn’t get any messages until now. 

I hate that so much once by someone is enough but twice by the same person; really? If they claim to love me and everything they really need to stop being paranoid if I haven’t responded; if I haven’t received a message then I haven’t received a message, I can’t respond if I don’t receive anything. It maybe your phone or your connection or something along the lines of that; I really don’t appreciate the whole thing of your ignoring me kind of tone, is especially when I’m waiting for you too message me but I don’t lie about it either.

It does make me laugh that I have the evidence of having no messages from the person; when I show them the picture of no messages that they claim to of messaged me, it then backed fired onto him twice now that he accessed me for something that I didn’t do. This comes to mind that someone who actually doesn’t trust the other person; along with claiming to love them but if they are that are being like that, then I don’t want to be with someone who’s like that. 

I personally think that if someone keeps on accusing you from not messing them back; thinking that they love you, but at the end of the day who would you want to be with them. Everyone has demons in the past; some can put all that in the past, some can’t put it behind them. 

You then might find people accusing you of cheating because they’ve done it themselves; but yet they know perfectly well they are in the wrong, and trying to control the situation by simply shifting the blame onto the other person or you done it yourself. No matter what it’s not right either way forward but yet people who have been hurt before or paranoid that someone is going to do it is another sign of not healthy relationship. Unless you have a great person sticking by you and helping you to come out of the dark places that you have been in for a very long time.

Accusing you of being dishonest or lying is another reason of hurtfulness; yet I have been lied to and been dishonest to, two of my worst things you can ever have in your life. People can actually understand why I’m being paranoid about it all because of fair amount of people who have done that have done it to me; then it’s the same flip side where people, who are trying to warn you about things and you couldn’t believe what you were hearing at the time. You begin to wonder why you even bothered in trying to ask them for help; when they know perfectly well they are still saying to you what you just said, yet they don’t believe you when you actually found out that someone can sort your life out but your trying to understand that they are trying to shift the blame onto you for their mistakes. Even when they are trying to help and prove to you that they have changed.

Accusing you of talking about them through friendships and love friendships; you have people who believe that your talking about you behind your back, yet they are the ones talking to you behind your back. You know when they are talking to you about you behind your back; when you have quiet friends that people forget about who sit in the corner of the room, then message you to let you know that that somebody is doing that too you. 

Accusing you of doing whatever it is that they are guilty of themselves; we are guilty one way or another these days, no one is perfect at the end of the day. Who is actually perfect? Haven’t seen or met anyone that their lives are so perfect. We’ve all done something that they but accuse the other person. 

The Fear Of The Unknown Part 1

How can one dream; turn into a reality of another’s one soul, but she’s not all cracked up to be. Is she?

One night I was in bed alone; in one big massive mansion, security stood outside my door, my body guard was sleeping on the couch that was by the fire place. I always liked it when Caspian gets over protective; especially when I’m ill and I couldn’t go to a social event with him, he wanted to make sure that I was properly protected even if I was with him or not. 

It took me awhile to dose off because I had been crying; my throat was hurting, struggling to breath. I refused them to call Caspian because I knew how important this function was for him; I didn’t want him to panic or worry that my mental health or my current bug or something whatever it was to ruin his big moment for his business. 

I was slowly drifting off to sleep; Darrell my bodyguard looked over, he said quietly as he was coming over. “Come on I think that’s enough work for one night” as he took my iPad off me and laid it on the side table. He then put blankets over me because he knew I liked to cuddle the duvet for comfort….

As I laid my head on the soft pillows; my eyes were getting heavier and heavier, I knew my medication and paracetamol had started to kick in. Due to the heavy anxiety attack I had endured the hour before; which lead me to struggling to breathe, a massive headache and really bad sore throat. Everything was too much for me to handle. I was completely out of it; I was in a deep sleep no one couldn’t wake me up, I had found myself in by this pond pondering of what I should do. 

The water was deep and inviting; this was when I was at my weakest point in my life, no one was here to stop me from doing anything. I had started to walk in; I could barely hear voices shouting my name, I stopped to have look with my eyes full with tears. I could see a man in a white shirt and cameral colour trousers on running in; couldn’t even think who it was until he picked me up in his arms, as I put my arms around his neck I could smell his aftershave of Jean Paul Glitter. My favourite aftershave on any man; this one I liked more, I knew it was Caspian coming running in after me. 

We had reached to the bank where everyone else were; I had started to shake in his arms, he knew I was freezing as I was only wearing a strappy top and shorts. The air had changed; winds have started to pick up more heavy, clouds had formed to which part turned dark and black. Threatening with a massive downpour of rain; I could hear him giving orders, to head back to the vehicles quickly and officially. 

I could feel the rain starting to fall; Caspian’s nice white cotton feel to it, that I always have thought he was going to burst out of them with his muscles and joked about that he works out too much was getting wet. I was murmuring something to Caspian about something but he couldn’t make out what I was saying. I could hear his panic in his voice with a bit of reassurance that we were nearly there; I struggled to open my eyes, my lips were turning blue. I could hear the doors wide open; blankets wrapped around me, the doors closing I could feel Caspian sitting in the back of the car. He told me that he was going to take me back to his place; without any arguments, or anything because he was a lot closer and he can look after me better. 

The feeling of being a stranger in his house was like feeling a stranger in a different land; as I woke up in in a cold sweat, fever as everyone rushed to my aid even Caspian who could hear her from the other side of the house….

I actually woke myself up from the dream screaming; Darrell and the security were running to my aid, Darrell was trying to calm me down whilst few others were on their phones calling around to see where Caspian was. It wasn’t before long that he had finally arrived; running in from the front of the house to my room, I had begged him not to leave me on my own. I know the rules that his family had to follow; if he could he would, Darrell and Caspian’s bodyguard Luka’s had agree along with the security that it wasn’t the best solution but as long as I manage to fall back to sleep. Knowing that he was in the house; Darrell will sleep close by even further, as long as I need him…..

In the memory of Princess Diana


Over the years that have gone by when we have lost one true amazing women that changed the world; by her warm loving heart, her glowing smile so sparkling that you can’t help but to smile and chuckle. When she passed away in the tragic accident in 1997 I was about 7 or 8 at the time; I always liked Princess Diana as she was the most successful lady; that I think I looked up too at the time, still do in lots of ways than one. As I heard what happened at the time; I would sit on my bunk bed at the time, I would pray to god to look after Prince Harry and Prince William as they were going through a difficult time. 

As the years gone by I would look out in the way something was telling me; to keep an eye out for them, I don’t know if this is true or not. I would hear good news about how they turned their lives around; even through the darkest times of events when they came face to face them, yet bounce back and say “no this is not what I want. I’m sure that this wasn’t what my mum wanted me to do” 

I’m glad and I think Diana is glad that Harry and William have stuck together like glue; keeping each other company, tell each other things and most importantly letting another wonderful lady like Diana into their lives. Not just a wife, sister in law, or a mother but strong happy women that I think Diana would of loved to meet and share things with Kate. Kate took on that role because she shares the same dream as Diana; everyone should be able to live like everyone else, carrying on the tradition of helping William and Harry out but also to show two sides of the world for Prince George and Princess Charlotte. 

Even though I don’t know Prince Harry and Prince William I feel like I should protect them; as like two brothers I’m not sure but like I said before I feel like I’m their guardian angel or something, I don’t know it’s makes me worry what’s actually going on in their heads at the time. It’s probably nothing it’s all in my head. 

I do reckon that Diana is proud of her boys; keeping up with what she has taught them from a young age, to have a normal life as much as they can. Show the goodness in their hearts and be true to themselves. By letting them choose their own paths as she never got a chance to finish it off; but getting to see her boys doing it for her, knowing that her legacy is in their hands. 

One year back in 2007 my aunt took a nice picture of me that she had thought I looked the way Princess Diana had looked; when she was having her pictures taken, especially when she did her charity work with children in Africa. Also it’s one of my favourite pictures of me and my dad’s favourite especially. This was when I was 16 years old; just as I left school completely, as my cousin was just about to start the same secondary school that I left at. I was brace enough to have my hair cut short, blonde and spike. I think that’s why I like this picture more than the others over the years; also I believe that people come back but through someone else, I’m not sure how that works but I do believe is true.

R.I.P Princess Diana and happy birthday. 

Write about your first kiss?

Introduction 

Everyone has that first kiss to be magical and wonderful; knowing it’s the right one for you, who could steal the hidden secret kiss from you. Like Wendy gave Peter Pan in the authors book written by J.M.Berrie. Everyone has those dreams of giving their true love secret kiss; like their mothers before them, their mothers before them and so on. 

With my first sweet tender, mouthwatering prickly kiss that I was given by my first boyfriend; was quite nice but had part of his prickly beard rubbed against my lips, all because I dared him one day before he asked me out at the time. All because I was teasing him; winding him up, as he couldn’t do much about it for awhile because he didn’t want ruin our friendship at the time. 

When the time went passed; I grew a bit more confident and comfortable with him touching me, kissing me and holding my hand. I’m not for one to trust people of touching me; unless I am comfortable with them and trust them, of not hurting me. Also I was quite new to all of it; so it was okay to relax slowly, as he was patient with me to get to know him and get use to the idea of being kissed.