Online Diary Entries: “Don’t know if I can…” – Story

Who do you think you are? Coming into my life saying that you love me more than anything in the world; now that I’m lost, confused, sacred and I don’t know if I can do this anymore even if I’m trying to take one more step towards you because all of this waiting is regret. I don’t know if you know that I’m starting to become your ghost and your figure of imagination; I have this feeling that you have lost the love that I loved the most, I have learnt that to live half alive but I need to know if you still love me one more time.
Who do you think you are? Running around leaving more scars on me whilst your collecting more jars of hearts; I hope they will catch a cold from the ice from your soul because I don’t know if you will come back for me anymore, who do you think are? I don’t hear you asking all around for me to see if I can be found but I’m trying to grow strong but I know if I ever fall back into your arms I will know you want me one more time.
It took so long just to feel alright with you but remember how you manage to put back the light in my eyes; I wish I could have missed all of this pain if I hadn’t gotten so scared to begin with because you broke your promises that you wouldn’t hurt me again knowing my fears of being hurt, and now you’re back trying to get me back.
Yet one question for you to answer do you want to come back for me? If not just don’t come back at all as I can’t keep waiting for you if you keep on having leaving unempty promises. Just tell me if you don’t really love me anymore because I can’t keep on breaking my heart like this anymore. Come back for me? Or just don’t come back at all. Then I know you have made the decision for me than me to make one for you. Who do you think you are?

Online Diary Entries: “Breathe Slow” – Story

As I’m walking away from you on the cliff face because I’m running out of patience because I can’t believe what the hell I’m hearing and speaking of hell it doesn’t compare what I am feeling but I love you took much it goes to show that all my emotions go out of control. You think it’s good for you but bad for me I can’t hardly see from the tears that flow wishing you could take this pain away from me. I just can’t forget to breathe slow count from one to ten with my eyes closed because ladies you have to take it in and get your composure before I lose it so I have to get my composure too.
I am going to breathe slow with my eyes closed counting from one to ten because ladies you have to take it in and the composure because ladies never lose you’re composure. I’m not going to lie or even try to win because I’m not the one with the gun who’s going to shoot because that would mean that you will be winning. No matter how much I love you or how many times I show all my emotions because you should know that I can be out of control which is bad for me but good for you know to know how much you hurt me.
When you hardly see the tears that flow because someone should be better hold me back as I will go for someone like the fake person who’s currently at your side; you’re lucky I know how to act as I’m not going to attack, I’m being calm and cool believe me you wouldn’t be taking much lightly and your breathing lightly right now. Just wait when your with me that’s when your going to loose your composure and the worse of it will come with my psycho will show. I’m just breathing slow right now to keep calm and carrying on.

Thursday Online Diary Entries: Out of the blue – Story

A new year, a new beginning, a new chapter of my life started today well that’s what I thought it could be my last. Yet my eyes were wide shut because I had thought that I was going to give up; just like the rest of the time that I’d be walking the world alone, yet out of the blue there in the middle of my path you had shown me a life that I couldn’t see without you next me and there’s no way I can fight these emotions anymore your energy running through me like nobody else can renew me it had to be you.
Out of the blue can this be true? Family and friends were my life until I had butterflies in my tummy; I wasn’t known to have them but you gave me love that i can’t disguise, there will be times when we are apart and it will kill me everytime it happens because I know that I want you to be in my life and my heart along side the beautiful garden.
Yet no emotions can be shown during the time my whole body felt like ice as if I took on ice challenge far away from home. Needed to feel that sound that shone my way along the beach like my world that I once knew had turned to dust but I had my faith and trust. I thought I’ll be walking the world alone without anyone by my side but yet out of the blue that’s where I met you; I can’t believe that this happened so soon, there’s just no way that you chose me out of million of girls you just want to be with me and now that I can’t fight these emotions because your energy your lips and your touch running through me.
You showed me a life that I can’t see without you but I know that there will be times when we are apart but knowing that you’re  in my heart growing into a beautiful garden has come true.

Online Diary Entries: Breakaway

What you fear most of all is – fear. Very wise” – Lupin – The Prisoner of Azkaban

I grew up in a big town where it would rain most of the time flooding when the rivers couldn’t cope anymore so it would burst it’s banks as I just stare out of my window. Wondering and dreaming if I could end up being happy with myself so I would pray loudly trying to reach out but when I try to speak out; it shows that no one can hear me or want me to be around making not wanting be here, something felt so wrong here and yet I prayed loudly once more where I could break away.
Out come my wings as I spread them out and I’ll start to learn how to fly; I would do anything to get me out of here so I can touch the sky, I’ll make a wish with a dandelion by taking a chance, make a change and breakaway. Out of the darkness and into the sun I will not forget all the love ones that I love and who love me because I will take a risk take a chance, make a chant and breakaway from my old life.
I just want to live the life where I can just feel the nice warm breeze, sleeping underneath a palm tree, feeling and listening the rush of the ocean, get on board a first class fast train to somewhere or just travel on a jet plane to somewhere far away and take a break away from my busy home town. Yet buildings being built with hundred floors swing around the revolving lifestyles of the communities growing around us.
Yet I don’t know where they are taking me but I’ve got to keep moving on fly away to break away from it all even with bad memories from my own life and the countries darkest moments are coming around. Yet we are moving on showing that we aren’t living in the shadows but yet we won’t forget those who were killed those dreadful days. We are just breaking away from all of that because we learn to move on with everyone by supporting them each day.

The world isn’t split into good people and Death Eaters. We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are” – Sirius Black – The Order Of the Phoenix

Wednesday Online Diary Entries: Behind the Hazel eyes – Story

“Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living, and above all those who live without love” – Dumbledore From The Deathly Hallows in a memory of a relative who passed away.
Just seemed like just yesterday you were a part of me where I use to be able to stand so tall; I use to be so strong with your arms around me tight like everything felt so right, even when I have had my bad days with everything would just fall apart. Even with the happiness having you around it was like the unbreakable can happen; now I can’t breathe, not even being able to sleep I’m barely hanging on the ropes. Yet here I am once again I’m torn into pieces because I’m standing at your side. You were always the one there when I needed you. Now I’m broken up deep inside; now you won’t get to see the tears that I cry for the final time, even behind these hazel eyes.
I told you everything when I opened up and let you in because loving you made me feel alright for once in my life; now all that’s what left of me is all the happy memories that we made, all of the birthday cards and christmas cards that you made over the years. This is what I’m going to have to do is pretend to be okay when I’m so broken up deep inside because I can’t breathe to which I can’t sleep I’m just barely hanging on.
Swallow me then spit me out. For hating you for leaving me on my own I blame myself seeing you like this it kills me now; no I don’t cry on the outside anymore because here I am once again I’m torn into pieces I can’t deny it can’t pretend it you were the one that I adopted and adored the most, I’m so broken up deep inside you can’t see the last tears that I cry anymore.
“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light” – Dumbledore – The Prisoner Of Azkaban (from screenplay by Steven Kloves)

Tuesday Online Diary Entries: Since you’ve been gone – Story

Here’s a thing we had started of as friends but it was cool as it was all pretend yet since you’ve been gone; I started to fall apart like I lost someone in my life that I was going to be with, you dedicated and took the time but it wasn’t long when you called me yours. Yet since you’ve been gone all I could hear is you and her when I’ve been picturing us together for years; told you how I felt about you along with the longest crush, yet all you hear is my insecurities because it’s not the first time that I can’t breathe without you.
But since you’ve been gone I still can’t breathe without you it’s not the first time; I can’t move on but thanks to you I’ve been able to take a few steps forwards and few steps back, yet since you’ve been gone I can’t get what I want and how can I put it? You put me on a high pedestal even when I fell in love with you and our stupid love so song. How come I never hear you say “I just want to be with you” I forgotten those words you use to say to me everyday. I guess you never really felt that way.
I know I had my chances and you had your chances but we blew it. Now we are fighting for our lives to be together out of sight out of mind. Shut your mouth I just can’t take it anymore because again and again we argue because we just want to be together. I just so tired of screaming inside myself because I can’t take it anymore. Since you’ve been gone I’ve just felt so alone I don’t know what to do anymore.

Online Diary Entries: Never felt unbroken story

The day that I felt like I was locked up tight to which I felt like I would never feel again; I noticed that I was stuck in some kind of love prison where they threw away the key, the terrified feeling as I stared into your eyes made me realise that it’s possible that I can loose you permanently if you didn’t get me out of here. Yet I looked into the eyes of my captures eyes feeling more terrified than ever; so I’m going to love you like I’ve never been broken in which I’m going to say it’s like never been spoke, tonight I’m letting go because I’m going to give it like it’s never been taken away from me. The thoughts have crossed my mind if I fall I know I won’t need saving because I know my true hero will come and get me.

Congratulations you played it out with the same lies with a different face; but there’s something in the words that you say to which it made it all feel so real, I’m going to love you like it’s never been spoken and tonight I’m letting go. No need for me to run a different away because you’re making me believe in everything you say. So for me there’s no need to go and hide if your going to give me every little piece of me. This is it I know it’s the real thing because I can’t explain what I’m feeling because I’m lost for words; I’m in a daze, stunned and amazed by the way you open up to me.

I then noticed someone I knew across the room you smiled at me; wow that smile I recognised from somewhere before, that’s when suddenly the wheels of old live had started to begin to turn inside of me once again and you said “hello” I felt the old glow again because I knew it was you who came to rescue me. Your touch and the feeling of your touch felt something new; nobody ever made me feel the way like you do in the gardens where no one could see us being together, it’s heavenly the way you make me feel when you use to make love to me and can you see your the one for me. I knew this was the real thing and we ran away together in your helicopter never returned.

Friday Online Diary Entries: Skyscraper Story

Skies are crying as I am watching in the middle of the country side catching a tear drops in my hands; only the silence had started to settle like it was never ending like we had never had a chance, do you have to make me feel like there’s nothing left of me? When I cry out in pain and your not there to save me it feels like you could take everything that I have along with break everything I like I’m made of glass or paper; go on and try to tear me down because I will be rising from the ground like a skyscraper, as the smoke clears I’m awaken and see you untangle me from you.

Would it make you feel better to watch me while I’ll bleed all my windows are broken; as I walk in our house walking on all the broken glass just go run, run, run away from this because I’m going stay right here as I watch you disappear. Yes it’s along way down but I am closer to the clouds up here.
Yet I will not make the same mistakes that you because I will not let myself because my heart has had so much misery; I will not break the way you did you tell so hard I had to learn the hard way to not let it get that far, because of you I never to far as a stray from the footpath I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt. Yet I find it hard to trust not only myself but everyone around me because of you I am so afraid. I loose my way and it’s not to long before you point it out that I can’t cry anymore as I’ve gone so cold that I’ve died inside, the way you look at me with your eyes I can see the weakness inside me.

I’m forced to fake a smile. I was forced to laugh everyday of my life as my heart can’t possibly break when it wasn’t whole to start with. You never knew I watched you die as you saw me going up into the sky; you knew that I heard you cry every night in your sleep yet I was so young, you should of known better to lean on me you just saw your paint and now I cry in the middle of the night in heaven for the same damn thing.

Because of you I wasn’t so far from the sidewalk. I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt yet I’m trying to forget everything because I don’t let anyone else in as I’m too ashamed of my life because it’s so empty. Yet because of you I am afraid.

Online Diary Entries: Love Story

My head is always under the water you watch everyone laugh seeing me drowning; you hear them tell me to breathe easy for a while but yet the breathing gets harder even I know that there’s no room for me to cope as much, yet you know I’m terrified but it’s too soon to show it and I put a fake smile and put my fake confidence on showing that I’m happy holding your hands knowing that I’m actually fine. I’m unusually hard to hold on to when I push you away.

I know when I’m sad and can’t cope I just stare blanking at the pages as they stare blank to me; there’s no easy way to say this you mean well but you make this so hard on me, yet I’m not going to write you a love story because you asked for it or because you need one and you will see that I’m not going to write a love story because you tell me it’s make or break in this I know you’re on you’re way. If you all have is leaving me standing alone not knowing what’s going on; I’ll write how I feel in this love story because you don’t seem to realise the attention between us, I chose things to ignore and be with you in supporting you in everything you do. Yet I always learn the hard way because they all say the same things you want to hear and my heavy heart sinks deep down under your pain of my mistakes that you still love me even when we are both mad at each other.

Just seeing you with her around you just makes more of an insult not to me but to your mother and the country because we get left high and dry. Yet you convinced me to please you thinking that I needed this too but I’m trying to let you hear me as I am; you promised me you’ll leave the light on to help me see you with the daylight on as my guide had gone, because I believe there’s away you can love me because I say so because I’ve walked the seven seas for you today.

Thursday’s Online Diary Entries: Thank god Valentines Day is over!

Thank god Valentines Day and it’s Challenge is over for another year; I hope you liked the Valentines Challenge this year give a thumbs up, and a follow if you like to see more challenges and etc throughout the year and so forth. For me Valentine’s Day for me is a waste of space I always hated it; this year I hated it even more to be honest because I wished that I stayed in bed to be honest with you, all I did was having personal problems, crying, stressed and everything else. To which to be fair could of been helped if everything went to plan if things actually happened but it didn’t.

Really don’t want to think about it to be honest. What is the point of pleasing everyone? When other people can’t be bothered to respect anyone or do anything on how they want it to be? Not even sure who actually invented it in the first place to be honest. I’m just generally having a rant because I can really on a Wednesday night writing this and hit published.

I haven’t ranted for awhile over stupid things to be honest. That’s what you get when you go to sleep at 5:30 in the morning and then everything still falls apart because of it all. At least I made lasagne from scrap with help of course and I didn’t really particularly want to do it in the first place. Yes of course it’s all good to learn and all when you have your own place and etc. Rant over because I’m starting to repeat myself and getting worked up by things that I can’t control.