Weather you believe this or you don’t it’s your own opinion but I know the truth and some of my close friends know the truth too.
I didn’t mean it whenever I said I didn’t love you so; I knew I should of held on tight but I should of never let you go because I didn’t know nothing, I was stupid, I was foolish and I was lying to myself. I wouldn’t be still here without your love never imagined I’d be sitting here by myself. Guess I didn’t know you, guess I didn’t know me but I thought I knew everything but I never felt that I’m feeling now that I don’t hear your voice or have your touch and your kiss on the lips. I don’t have a choice what I could give to have you lying by my side right here.
When you left I knew I had lost a part of me; it’s still so hard to believe even when I ask come back baby please, because we belong together. Who else am I going lean on when times get rough? Who’s going to talk me out on the phone till the sun comes up? Who’s going to take your place because there’s ain’t nobody better than you? We belong together.
I can’t sleep at night when you are on my mind; Bobby Womack’s on the radio singing to me, if you think you’re lonely now? Wait a minute this is too deep, too deep. I got to change the station so I can turn the dial trying to catch a break and then I hear the baby face. I only think of you it just breaks my heart I’m falling apart; I’m feeling all out of my element I’m throwing things, whilst crying trying to figure out where the hell I went wrong. The pain reflected in this story ain’t even half of what I’m feeling inside; I need you, I need you back into my life.
Once again I like to remind you that it’s your choice to believe this is true or not. It’s your opinion at the end of the day and I know what’s true or not as I’m the one writing it off course.
You can dance if you like you can sing every kind of every song but there is no reason for you to steal the show because it’s your show all along. As the orchestra plays the people are starting to take their seats; some people have been turned away as there’s no room left in this house. It’s just you and me left to take the seats in the box and if your life is your stage I’ll be watching.
I hold up a light for you and baby you can hold up for me. So I can be watching you coming through the darkness glee of the tunnel; as the light was getting higher in everything that you do, we had started to rehearse every scene and the on lookers were listening after we had realised that they were. I knew that we were in the exactly the right place; the tears had started to fall down on your face, for me to wipe away and kiss your wet lips.
Kindly would like to remind you that this is my opinion and you have the right to believe this or not as you have a opinion as well. I won’t judge you but please respect other people’s opinions and mine when you comment if you wish to do so. This is a Revisit of my previous look at what you made me do.
“I’m sorry you found the old lizzy in this diary. I’m sorry that I can’t come today do you know why?”
“Oh, because the old herself is dead”
I don’t like your little games anymore; as you damaged my life even more so like you can’t even tell, don’t like your titled stage because the role you made me play like the fool of someone who doesn’t know what’s going on. No I don’t like you and I don’t like your perfect crime. How you laugh when you lie to my face like the gun was mine. This isn’t cool no and I don’t like you. Yet at least I’ve got smarter and harder in the nick of time as I rose up from the dead and I’ll do it all the time over and over again.
I’ve got a list of names and yours can you see is underlined in red. I’ll be Mrs Claus I check it once and then I’ll check it twice. Oh! I don’t like your kingdom keys anymore as they had once use to be mine; you asked if I had a place to stay, yet I told you that the world moves on another day another drama and guess what but not for me as I’m going to take on the world because all I can think about is karma. I’ve got mine yet you’ll get yours as I’ve got smarter and a lot harder in the nick of time. Guess what honey I have rose up from the dead and continue to do that all that all the time. I don’t trust anybody and nobody trust me but I’ll be the actress starring in your bad dreams.
I had a notification from YouTube that Helen Anderson had posted up a video; I normally just unclick the notifications off my apps as they bother me a lot when they hang around saying “take notice of me…..take notice of me”, the annoying thing is that I have so many updates on my app that Apple/iTunes won’t let me update them because “there’s a billing problem please take a look at it” I’m like what happened to the whole it’s okay you can still update me or I can update automatically for you button. If anyone knows how to do that please let me know how to do it because it’s driving me nuts. I am OCD when it comes to me and my phone.
Why do I do that? Get an idea of trying to find what I’m doing and not finishing what I started. Keeps on happening. My current feelings at the moment that I wanted to share with you guys is that Autumn and Winter are like the worst seasons that I’ve always hated the most. It’s dark horrible depressing. The worst of it all my birthday is literally in the middle of it all; over the years I’ve began noticing that my birthday is getting depressing because I always wished to be able to sit outside, in the nice warm sunshine but I can’t even do that. Yeah we’ve got this thing of having the Christmas Tree still for my birthday it’s been like that for years; last year I think my my parents had asked if it’s okay to take it down before my birthday, don’t quote to me on that one generally starting to blank my birthdays out now.
I’m not really going to get my hopes up this year for my birthday because I know nothing special is going to happen. It might do but I just not getting my hopes up really. By the way this is what my current feelings are at the moment in time because I wasn’t really sure what to write and my favourite YouTuber gave me the idea when I was watching hers at the time.
This is pretty much is it for now I think for a Friday autumn night. All I want to do is hibernate and not come out. Haha.
The Diary Entries Online back for so more this autumn before the winter comes. It’s your own opinion if you believe this or not. It’s up to you what you believe. At the end of the day I know the truth and I just wanted to share it with you.
No matter what I tell you. You make me out as a liar but I gave into the fire; at least now I should’ve fought it as now that I’m being honest, all I know that I’m a failure because know that I failed you. No one is perfect then you realise the truth of that I should of told you; I know I know I know, I should of done it better but you know me I just give up too easily when I try my best.
You realise that you had everything in front of you and you watched me walk away. I got nothing here without you; this is the one last time I need to take you home to make me feel whole again, for one last time I promise you after that I’ll let you go as she has stolen your heart away from me. All I really care is to wake up in your arms for one last time.
As you watched my body relaxed into your arms you begin to realise that I don’t deserve the pain that you have given me. I know I don’t deserve it but please stay with me for another a minute; I swear I’ll make it worth it, can you forgive me for just letting me have you one last time before you go and be with her. At least if it’s just temporarily I know this is all my fault of pushing you away. I should of been careful and I know, I know, I know I shouldn’t be the one loosing control.
As I slept in your arms not knowing that you would stay the whole night with me; even if I didn’t wake up like I normally do, you were there incase I did and you were still there in the morning watching me sleeping. You placed a kiss on my my forehand as I opened my eyes to see you in front of me. You told me “silly girl…I’m not going anywhere. I’m madly in love with you”……
Wether you believe this or you don’t it’s your opinion I’m not going to judge you for your own opinions. I know the facts and it’s what I want to share with you guys.
Finally this week from the 6th November 2017 I managed to get this weeks 30 Days Challenge for Autumn sorted for the week. To which has given me the time to work on the other days that we haven’t seen or had for a long time; the challenge was meant to give me the courage, ideas and be able to work out what I can write about and yes it’s given me that area of guidance.
To what I owe this pleasure of what could make me happy right now is to be able to live and spend more time with Caspian and achieve what I would like to do in my time of writing and blogging that I can actually get paid for it. The two things that I love and want to do but also be with. This is because they are my go to happiness as I.
Caspian makes me laugh, smile, makes everything go away that’s troubling me for the time he talks to me, spends time with me and many more. The fact that he makes me feel safe and secure about myself is the fact that I know who I am and kind to myself. When he’s not around I’m alone but fighting my darkness of demons as much as I can on my own. Knowing that he’s there in the darkness as I’m coming closer to him. Feeling his 6ft4 dominating much of the past that I had to face alone; I can just feeling he’s presence coming closer, as more of me comes widely open to him.
Writing has always been apart of me to where I can escape to when I need it the most. It’s like my best friend as I use my emotions of what I’m feeling through the characters of what they feeling like at the time. To where I like my audience to know what actually feels like to know the pain of the character must be feeling and etc.
The fact that I’m so use to living inside my head writing is the only way that I can find myself to express how I am feeling than expressing myself to an actual real person.
What would make you happy right now?
Yay for this again. I do have to inform you it is your own opinion if this is true or not. No one is judging you for your opinion. I just want to make this clear that I can make my blogs personal or not. But I want you to decide if this is true or not.
You guys remember my best friend Megs right; everyone should remember as she dragged me to go and watch Dunkirk the film, as it has Harry Styles in it. Well she’s back but this time I let her roam with the idea of a title; especially this one I’m afraid, I should let my friends go riot over my blogs to be honest because they are quiet funny characters to do.
Plus I need her help with it in the first place; so being Megs I had to tell her what’s the first thing that comes to mind, that was this title and the blog was born. Throughout the day I had snapchat chats whilst we were both on breaks; or near enough, shes young and in love and we all know that means mushy brains. However the fact that she snapchat me this morning on her break saying “he hasn’t messaged me” I thought here we go mini version of me here being insecure and etc. Now I’m paying the price of her anxious mind and etc. The fact that I came down on her with a tonne of bricks the other night about it all; she knew I was telling her what she needed to hear, because I was just as bad with Caspian when I first started going out with him and I could see that she’s ignoring her own advice so in the end I had slap her with a wet fish a few times even harder to get her to thinking straight.
The fact that she’s 18/19 years old she’s hit that faze of gooy mess #psychomodeofinscureandparionad we all have those moments don’t we. I should know as I’ve had my fair share of them over the years; I just told her let it take it’s cause, yes it might happen or it might not. You can’t predict what’s going to happen ether way just take each day as it comes.
Even Caspain has to remind me not to over think things at the best of times; guess what he’s right, he knows how much I get anxious and freak out on him at the best of rimes. So far I’m doing quite well not freaking out as much as I use to; which is a good thing, but it’s all the same when you start a new relationship at the end of the day.
Wether you believe this or not it’s your opinion not mine. I respect your opinion but I know what’s true.
When I first met you I don’t know where to begin; so I start by saying that I would refuse forget you, I would refuse to be silenced and I refuse to neglect you because that’s for the every last soul up in heaven who sacrificed their souls to save ours. Even if I never met you I know that you could of been my dad, my mum, my sister, my brother, my niece, my nephew, my daughter or my son. Waving a plain white sheet out on the no mansland; but I can see your white tee up there in heaven as I’m with my friends on the ground trying to see up there knowing that your now at rest, and feeling free from all the pain you have up there.
I can feel your pain on the ground of who you have left behind; but we went back to the block where you grew up with your children, chilling out watching the other children running around playing in the road and the troubled water cams running past. That’s when I swiftly grabbed hold of your children; having to witness your death, and hearing how you died as we ran away from the torment that you had endure. I’ve come back with an army to build you a bridge to come back over for visits like they remember you.
When you’re weary and feeling small; the tears are in your eyes I will dry them all, I’m on your side and when the times get rough and tough. Friends are not only just can be found; theres a bridge over my trouble waters, thats where I will lay and just lay you down right there so that I can get comfort near you. There’s so much pain in my heart my community has moved me; they choose to gleam their bright light as we are facing the dark.
When you’re down and out walking the streets; the evening will fall so hard like a arm is wrapped around my shoulders, a voice will say “I will comfort you…yes I will” I’ll take your part when the darkness comes and all the pain is all around. I will lay down next to you; over the trouble waters but waiting for you to come across the safe crossing of the bridge, to be able to see you once again.
I refuse to forget you. I refuse neglect you. I refuse to let you go. I will fight for your memory. Your my hero, my saviour, my world and my protector. Lest we forget.
Are they true stories or are they not? You decide if they are or not. I know what’s right and I respect your opinion.
The fact that I got mixed up on what days I’m on with my 30 Day Challenge and then soon realised I was right the first time. You’re just like erm someone send help I think Lizzy’s lost the plot. Yep that’s basically me all over yet again; I’m doing a Frank moment of madness, without the keys or was I? I’ll let you decide on that one.
Especially when I get too soppy about Caspain when he goes on business trips; I don’t get to see him much when he does, damn schedules that he has haha. Then I cheekily stalk him in a good way seeing pictures; there’s always a good side to him that I like about him, and then there’s pictures you just interpret of what the hell are the security on at the time. That’s just me reading into the picture of a story mind; “it’s alright I’m on a high because I’m working for a well known family business man, also a friend with the royals” or “I wish I could win girls hearts over like he does”. The two most favourite ones that I miss about him but when I do see his pictures and video clips of him when he’s away; it has to be his cheeky grin with his ginger beard, also his voice when he talks it’s like when he’s talking I always think that he’s secretly sending me a message that everything is going to be alright. Can’t wait to see him when he’s work scheduled calms down a bit and that he promised me two months off his time to be all about me. Can’t wait to trade them in hehe. Not even sure how that’s going to work. As I don’t like being spoilt or having the attention on me but heyho.
Yes I know suck it up Lizzy. Thanks guys. Love you too. I do have to say this was the easy one to write today. Hehe. Might as well plan tomorrow’s one. If I can that is but I never know what to write until it’s late at night. Just when I’m about to go to sleep. Nice one brain.
Once again I would like to remind you that you can believe this is true or not it’s your own opinion at the end of the day. I write what I write and that’s all that matters to me.
I know that I’ve messed up a lot but I know that you would never let me give up; with all the nights, the fights, the blood and the break ups. You’re always the one to call up to see if I’m okay; I know that I’m a pain, I’m a child and I’m afraid but yet you always understand like no one could understand. Knowing that we don’t look like much but no one can fuck it up like us.
When I’m laying in our bed feeling unwell you come in; never even judged me on how I looked that day, from just having a bug or having a bad day with my health. Your always there when I need you; wrapping your arms around me keeping me safe, even when we go out for a function I try my best to go and put a brave face on. I know that when I’m with you. I’m standing with an army full off support from you. Even when the dark times are so bad you can always find the bright side; I am amazed by the things that you would sacrifice, just to be there for me even when I hear you sing out tune I would laugh as I cringe and trying to stop you from singing I would kiss you to make you stop.
Yet your my everything so please don’t change a thing as we both know what they all say about us; as they don’t even stand a chance, because I am with you and yet you understand me and I understand you like no one can.
Through the wind and rain we finally got here; now that we got here by flying with no fear; we’ve been in pain for so long as I stare in your eyes it’s all gone, even through the wind and the rain we burn so bright and learn to fly through the flames and hold on tight with so many things that could go wrong. Yet as I look in your eyes they are all gone.
In my dreams it feels like we are forty stories high; whenever you come around it’s like we are untouchable like we are not going to fall, is it safe to say the sound that we hear is the words of untouchable. The feeling of alone is only real when you’re not around; whenever I’m walking in the rain, the sun goes down and the one thing that can save us is our love. I need to hear you again but also to show me how because I know that our love shouldn’t be so hard yet we find ourselves standing in the dark. You always light up where ever I go and I know that my heart shouldn’t beat so hard; but I’m swimming with the sharks, yet you light up and keep me out of the cold, the nightmares are only real when you’re not around and yet my candle in my heart is starting to burn out.
Whenever you’re gone; I’m waiting at the door like everything’s hurting like before, however without any meaning we just skin and bone like beautiful robots dancing alone. Your my world and my protector. Your men and women are my protectors when our gone.