Everyday Post: Mental Health Issues – Sober (Revisit – Story Based)

There was nights when the wind was so cold making me feel it to the bone and there was days where the sun could be so cruel; I knew my tears were starting to dry up forever, I knew the day that you left I had finished because I had banished every memory that we had together and now it’s all coming back to me. Yes it’s all it was a very long time ago but I’ve got no excuses for of these goodbyes; call me when it’s over because I’m dying inside, wake me up once the shakes have gone along with the cold sweats have disappeared. Please call me when it’s over and I just have my old self that we both knew will reappear.

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know why I do it every time because sometimes I just want to cave in; I’m tired of fighting for my life especially what’s left of me, I try and I try but I just wish you were here to hold me. I’m so lonely.

Mum I’m so sorry I’m not sober anymore, daddy please forgive me for all the drinks that I’ve spilled on the floor and to the ones who really never left me we all know that we’ve been down this road once before. I’m so sorry that I’m not sober anymore.

I’m sorry to my future love the man that’s stuck by my side every step of the way; loving me, saving me from me and from the inside my head. I’m sorry for all the people who tried to help me and watch me fall again; I just want to be a role model yet I’m being judged by people who think it’s okay to do so, talk about lies that they really don’t know what’s going on in my life. I’m only human like everybody else.

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know why I do it every time at the best of times I don’t know what’s causing it. It’s only when I’m lonely and tired of fighting with my head. Sometimes I just want to run away to a cave so no one can find me; I can just let myself cave inside myself because I just don’t want to fight anymore. I try and I try to hold on but just hold me. I’m lonely.

Mum, I’m so sorry that I’m not sober anymore and daddy please forgive me for the drinks that I have spilled on the floor. To the ones who really never left me, we’ve been down this road before and I’m so sorry that I’m not sober anymore.

I’m not sober anymore. I’m sorry that I’m back here again. I promise that I’ll get help. It really wasn’t my intention to get back into this place. I’m even sorry to myself.

Daily Post – Mental Health Issues – Hardest Challenge I had to face so far

I do have to confess I haven’t done one of these in awhile but I wanted to share with you the most difficult challenge I had to face. I had manage to take on my ex few years ago now when I knew back then enough is enough living in the fear of him and people around him. That was a massive relief and at peace in what I needed to do then for enable me to move on with my life not having to be constantly living in fear. 

Years gone by and more things came up that replaced it. However this week (22.10.18 – 26.10.18) plus both weekends on either side of the half term in the England that is not sure about the rest of the country (Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales) however this week I have to say was or has been the most hardest week  for myself where I set myself a challenge not take it out on someone that I care and love the most who’s been there for me a lot recently. They went away on the Saturday for the week; no matter how many times they tried to tell me how much they loved me, missed me and etc. I had finally crashed a bit last night (24.10.18) where my head has started to clear; I became quite anxious because I didn’t know what this was or what was happening, yet they understood that I wasn’t use to the whole positive and someone permanently being there in my life. Not saying my other closet friends haven’t tried or anything they have and still are. 

This person makes me happy and feel relax. This week has been quite a emotional week due to the fact that obviously they are away and be back on Friday but also Monday my anxiety has been so high due to the fact that the kittens had an operation and it set off my past of going to the vets at between 5-7 year old loosing my best friend “Charlie” the budge. I just couldn’t live with myself if the kittens had passed away as well even though it was just moving something before they were let outside. 

So facing two hardest challenges this week has probably finished me off completely now. However I’m not letting it take control of me no matter how I’m feeling right now because at the end of the day I know I’ve achieved something which is a positive than a negative. Now that I’ve calmed down a bit more than this morning because my friend messaged me I literally didn’t need to over think or have ago at him for no reason even though I knew and he told me that he couldn’t get much signal in the first place. That’s what bothers me the most that I know perfectly well that I’m being insecure and they aren’t a bad person either but he helps me out a lot even distracts my head when I start feeling anxious or start become low. 

Just one more day until they come home tomorrow and I get to see them over the weekend. I know that then I’ve done it. Achieved something that I thought I wouldn’t be able to do. Yes my anxiety and depression tried to kill me last night (24.10.18) and this morning (25.10.18) however I took control of it as much as I could because I didn’t want it control me and my happiness that I’ve had. It was bad enough already but I had the focus and the drive to change it and fight it as much as I could. 

Daily Stories – Mental Health Issues – God bless Demi Lovato

Waking up to one of the most influential musicians that I could relate to in so many ways trying to overdoes herself; I for one can understand how hard it is to remain strong for so long but sometimes you have to give into the relapse in order to bounce back again once more, I hope Demi Lovato finds the strength to carry on and fight this temptation and beat the relapse once more. 

Reading how much Demi Lovato had to endure whilst growing up, being in the spot light and many more. I personally believe she is strong enough to get through anything because she puts her mind to it and knows that she has great support network behind her with her manager, close family members and most importantly she is thankful for her fans being there through thick and thin. 

So many people suffer in silences where they are too scared to talk about it or ask for help when people ask them how they are generally people respond to “I’m fine….I’m good” but actually they are screaming inside. I don’t like talk about it especially when I’m in one of those massive relapses myself you know that I’m in one as I’m struggling to write my daily blogs. 

I find that when I do talk about it people either be surprised and try to understand, some who are closest to me know when I’m having a dip because I don’t have my sense of humour coming out and then you have people trying to say “you can’t be depressed….I’ve had far more worse things done to me than you have. I should be the one that’s depressed.”  That’s one thing I hate the most is because people are so judgemental because they don’t know your past or what has happened to you growing up. 

Yet it’s all coming out in the media now and people are talking about mental health to make people aware that it is there. From well known famous faces who suffer it, who talk about it, who go missing and turning up dead, to citizens who are do the same thing. There is so many stigma in mental health that in the past no one knew what it was but yet there is so many people fight everyday for their lives. 

I just wish Demi all the best, love, support and everything to get back on her feet once again soon as possible. Keep on fighting everyday because she knows that she is loved by so many and cared about by some many. Love you Demi! 

Daily Stories – Mental Health Issues – (12.7.18) my current daily meditation when going to bed

The past few weeks I haven’t been not myself a lot of anxiety and depression but yet carried on as per normal as you do. However as I’ve been struggling to sleep recently I thought I’ll try something out by doing some sort of medication where I would play my favourite sound that’s relaxing to listen too when I go to sleep to be able to relax.

Remember I only just started this week with daily meditation it actually does work because it stops me from thinking; slowly relaxes me into a deep sleep, sometimes I forget it’s coming from my iPad and not outside. This time of year I love the summer rain more than any other time of year because the nice moist like it had rained the night before or just about to rain sometime in the day. 

I literally leave my iPad on locked so I can let it play all night with enough battery to go all night 10 hours normally work to keep it going. It literally starts sending me to sleep which is a good thing; I prefer something that relaxing than that something that’s gets on my nerves, that would just wind me up more than anything else and become more upset and etc. I like to have a peaceful mind than everything going on inside my head than everything screaming. 

Everyday Online Diary Entries – (9.7.18) Monday – Too much socialising!

This weekend just been 7th-8th July 2018 had been a lot of socialising from having my sibling and in law home for the weekend, fun day at a church that my parents go to, looking after a grandparent, back to the fun day, to looking after my grandparent again and then taking them to the 50th anniversary of the church. 

Then tonight I’m going to a meeting where someone asked me to help out at the church holiday club; due to the fact they need a keyworker for a child to which I don’t mind, I’m quite anxious about it because I’m pushing myself more but when it’s too much it’s too much and then I get extremely exchusted afterwards. 

Today I’ve never felt so shattered because I’ve just been so busy and today as I’ve worked as well. Just been so tired as well from that. Not in the mood for the meeting or the speed bumps, yappie/barking dogs and everything that’s just getting on my nerves. 

At least I’m having a fishing chips tonight before I go out so I can have some junk food before hand. Might have a nap before I go so I can be less grouchy, irritated and etc that’s if the gobby house hold can button it for a few hours please would be nice. 

Might try and get a few more blogs done as well ready for tomorrow. That’s what she’s said haha. You guys know me when I’m so tired I fall asleep during making the blogs or start them and don’t finish it. What am I like ay? 

Everyday Online Diary Entries – (6.7.18) Friday – Good positive motivation

After this mornings run for work and playing nursery rhymes to which I have to admit that I was literal falling asleep because of it but it’s part of a job to be honest knowing what a child likes and what not. As soon as I got back I had a bit of a nap before I did anything because I was literally so tired; along with the fact I was feeling so anxious about things and feeling sick because of my nerves to which I found that I just need to eat something before hand to steady them. 

This week had started from bad to a good week by the end due to the fact that the kids that I’ve worked with enjoyed having me on their run. They just love the fact I’m just one people who are just too relaxed along with fun side of things unless they go over board with being hyped or being rude about something or to someone. 

Having the motivation of being positive and fun about things no matter how bad things are at least you know you can do something to make you feel better when you know someone who needs it the most. It’s like saying it’s okay to feel down but it’s okay everything is going to be fine. Even if it’s a hug hugs are the best things I have been told that my hugs are the best it makes them feel good. If making the other person feel good it makes you feel good. 

Everyday Online Diary Entries – (5.7.18) Thursday – What would make me happy right now?

What would make me happy right now? Right now as we speak I could be happy be away from everything be on my own or some people who I am close too and not having to think about things that are bringing me down. Is that too much to ask? My happiness means the world to me in so many ways where I think things are going so great; then all of the sudden bad things happen to which will take me a long time to bounce back.

I know this week has slowly been a long one to be honest where I was trying so hard to fight my negativity thoughts that they nearly had me but then I bounced back as the days grew better in life. So many positive happened the past two days to which I loved the most it gave me the sense of well being that I actually am wanted.

Everyone has those days where they feel they aren’t wanted and etc. Right now I’m just happy that I’m writing to keep my mind of things; enjoy talking to people that make me happy, most importantly I know I am strong and gone through life with lots of struggles and yet I still come out on top. 

I just love the fact I am happy in so many ways that I can take my mind off things as soon as I stop at something. Even with a glitch off going into a no no land that I don’t want to be in I know I have to quickly do something before I actually convince myself not bother distracting myself. I’m quite good at that one as well convincing myself to not bother anymore with things. 

This is my Thursday Online Diary Entries thoughts of what would make me happy on a Thursday evening. Just close friends who make me happy and seeing children happy and know that they are cared for and loved. 

Everyday Online Diary Entries – (3.7.18) Tuesday Online Diary Entires – Thought process of a mental health person

I know I’ve been on the ball with the whole blogging everyday diary entries for a good few weeks and stopped over the last couple of days. I know you guys liked that sort of thing I’m sorry about that but things happened. I’m going to try again this week to get back on form. 

I try so had once I get on top of things that I think yeah yeah let’s do this I can do this and all of the sudden bam something happens and I’m like back to square one again like nobody knows. I hate having set backs so much to the point of why am I even doing this for. Who am I doing this for? Why am I even doing this? 

I know I say this a lot writing saves my life a lot. I even generally want to give up with it all at the best of times. Literally just don’t want to write and I’ve look at my views recently and think how the heck did it drop so much when I was doing so well. Until I remember why. That’s when I realise things take an effect of what I love doing. 

When your stuck in that cycle of feeling down and what not it’s like your stuck in a coma not like I’ve been in one but it’s like that closed off from everything and everyone. Then you start back to where you were few weeks back or a month ago and etc. No matter what you do your still fighting for your life each day.

Star Light Categories – (28.6.18)- #throwbackthursday – Who believes in 3’s?

Who believes in 3’s? I don’t know if I do or not but I’ve just had my two day; well this evening (28.6.18) down to something knocking over a pint of peach squash all over my floor, then just got in the bathroom and got into the bath as you do. What did I do? Yep forgot my pjs. Ready for the third one now don’t know what that would be but I just hope that I’m in bed before then before anything else. However bless technology when your in dyer need when your stuck in the bathroom; you get to message your sister to get your dressing gown along with the wet floor, I could of left that bit out and make her stand in it. I’m not that mean to her unless I forget and she moan at me for not telling her but that would be fair point to her. 

It literally was like space of me coming up stairs after taking my medication to my room; having the accident, going back downstairs realising that I left my iPad and leads on the kitchen window top and coming back up putting my leads in my room. Then running my bath after the accident and everything that I literally forgot to do or pick up that’s when I realised I forgot my pjs. 

Yesterday however was even weirder than that. (27.6.18) normally I don’t get nightmares when I’m on medication it’s normally the other way around I get them. It was weird I had a panic attack in my sleep on a friend doing face time or something;  once that was over I had another dream similar with another friend, this time it was with snakes and alligators. I’m literally thinking what is going on why I am having panic attacks in my sleep. 

I did wake up however thinking that’s weird was I screaming or something in myself I have done that literally 7 months ago Christmas Day going into Boxing Day around then literally waking my mum up screaming or yelling in my sleep. That’s just without my medication. I seriously don’t dream that much to be honest with you but oh boy when you know when I’m dreaming I’m dreaming whether it’s good or bad. Things happen don’t they for a reason. 

Daily Stories – Mental Health Issues (28.6.18) – Dark something

People may tell you that they have mental health issues with confidence of being able to trust you or you may find that people can’t talk about it either because they are ashamed of it and people say to them. “Oh come on you don’t have anything to be depressed about” firstly what’s wrong with that statement? Second of all should they even said it in the first place?

I’ve been told that once or quite a few times to be honest when I’ve had my bad days not when I’m on a serve ones. I just literally turn around and tell them how it is people cope with different things and have had things happened to them that is completely different to that person.

Many people who has depression, anxiety and so on talk about this black dog not too sure where that has originated from. Some say they have something different than the black do; I remember my all time favourite author J.K.Rowling talking about her depression, how it made her feel and the dementors that she uses in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban she used them to express how it felt her soul of happiness and free had been literally sucking out of her.

I for one agree with J.K.Rowling that there’s something literally sucking my happiness, freedom and etc at the best of times but I’m not too sure what it is. I know it’s there trying to cause harm to me but I’m not too sure what it is. Yet I know it’s there feeding off my negativity trying to take spit it out and gain control of my mind and soul.

It’s like in the picture down below as you can see on the left you have something that’s positive and loving then the middle the wicked witch and then the skeleton hand with the rose petals dropping that’s like killing the happiness and etc. As you all know I continue to fight my mental health no matter how much I hate it.

You know I don’t let it define me or anything because at the end of the day if I let it win there’s no way I would be able to get out of it. I am known to continue you to fight it, joke about my miss fortunes of my health and whatever been thrown at me. I just literally take it on a chin give it a few days or weeks to digest it all then work out how to control in away that I can.