Everyday Online Diary Entries: (19.6.18) Tuesday Online Diary Entries – Prepping Family Members Of medical needs

I’ve decided to continue fighting this mental health no matter how hard it is at the moment and not wanting to do anything but sleep. However the one thing that it’s currently trying to make not wanting to do anything is blogging and writing; no matter how hard it is at the moment for me, I’m taking it each day as it comes and will be back to my normal strength with the help of your guidance and your stags to help me get through this week. 

I will probably talk about it one day but right now isn’t the time to talk about it as it’s fresh and recent. I’ve decided to do some prep work for my family after what’s happened recently so that they know what I’m taking, what’s what and etc. I’ve started to do the whole set up with a grandparent of mine because few weeks ago I had to sort their medication out as there was so many medications and not enough of one. I decided to sort them out for one of my parents and one of my aunts so they know what’s what into boxes and then labelling them and so on. 

Whilst I was doing my medication list, emergency meds box for one of my parents to use incase of emergency and what not. I decided to do the same with one of my grandparents meds so that they know what they have got what’s been on hold and what’s etc. Also made notes page so that they can write down to let each other know what’s going on, what’s needed and etc. To be able to record what’s happening. 

I’ve done exactly the same for my parents and have a back up plan for one of my aunts so if I can’t get hold of my parents or anyone else they can contact them. Straight away if there was anything that would happen to me for any reason or another. It’s all safety reasons for myself and my grandparent at the time if something goes wrong or they miss read something or something happens they will know what to look up on the sheets provided. That I’ve been provided with the information that they need at the time because sometimes it all gets confusing and what has been done and what hasn’t been done. 

I like to be organised in that sense but I didn’t really think about doing it for myself until recent events accord. So I did the same thing but my parents have my emergency meds if I need them I have the rest as I’m capable to have the ones I’ve got. Unless things change again then obviously then revise the situation but for now for me it’s the suitable situation for me to do that for the time being. 

Remember you are beautiful, your awesome, your amazing and every positive thing that I could think off right now. Remember you are not alone. You have got people that care about you, love you and most importantly to help you. I am a sucker for not asking help but when I do oh boy admitting it is hard enough but accepting that you do it’s like “okay I thought I could handle it on my own but I can’t” that’s where you need to ask for help. 

Love you all and your beautiful stags. 

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Everyday Online Diary Entries: (16.6.18) Saturday – Not the best start of the weekend

I literally not had a best start of the weekend this morning yet here I am picking myself up as per normal where I just spent the whole morning crying. You guys know me by now when my mental health issues kicks in I start to struggle a bit but I’m not the one who is after sympathy or anything but thank you if you do much appreciated. 

I generally push through it all now because I need to control my mind as much as I can. That’s all the whole point of me starting up Life On The Open Road Project for young people, teens and children because at the end of the day you have to fight through it or let it define you. 

Today of all days for me I just basically slept the whole day done nothing other than forced myself to have a shower to see if I would be alright but didn’t so today was the first time I didn’t even bothered to do my hair and make up like I have been doing everyday. I literally just washed my hair and blow dried it gone rather curly and frizzy.

Obviously got dressed got even more annoyed when my own parents didn’t answer their phones and moan at us for not answering our phones. I literally drugged myself up with medication, paracetamol and hayfever meds the correct ones! To be able to breathe properly actually fell asleep for a good few hours to waking up to no one in the house but I think they went out for a pond window shopping I think it was. Weren’t really a wake to know what was happening but something telling me it’s something to do with a pond might turned into a cat look as well not sure.

Dreamed about two youtubers because I had them in the back ground at the time when I was sleeping. Then had a very late lunch veggie quarter pounder spicy to try out nearly had all four of them but put the half eaten one in the fridge because I couldn’t eat anymore. However I’ve learnt over recent the years spicy actually helps clear your air ways a lot more and also helps your insides too. Just saying trying not to be gross at all. 

Obviously when I have colds or really bad hayfever now I know what to do. Get some spicy things and have them to clear my airwaves then panic that my ear drums are going to burst like they did about 5 years ago. Decided to take my trampoline well me and my siblings trampoline at the time we were all in the same house; however it’s been over a year when my parents said that they were going to take it down, yet it was my sister who didn’t want it to go but my parents want a bit more garden. 

Instead of the trampoline we are replacing it with a pond as it will be nice to have something more peaceful and etc. At the end of the garden have a bit of a wild life at the end of the garden and gaining access to the fruit we have at the end of the garden. Might even be nice for my own mental health at the end of the day by sitting  down the end of the garden doing bits and pieces. 

Star Light Categories: (15.6.18) Friday – Friday Time Recap Time – Paradise

My love I need to explain to you when I’m with you I’m in paradise but my mind; oh yes my mind what can I say without you, my mind it rides off in the other direction when I have my moments and it rides on the negative because I’m left outside alone. You know when I’m with you in the storm in the paradise doesn’t last forever because on the paradise roads I will ride on down the road on my stag keeping me safe until we find you.

I will find you, I will hold onto you and I’ll be there. I know you heard it from the other boys that I wasn’t coming back but that’s not true it’s all in your head. You know I’m real because this time I feel like this paradise can’t keep us away from each other because it keeps you awake as it’s running through your bloody veins in your human body. You know that my love is heading your way find your stag because you’re love is heading your way.

My love I need to explain to you when I’m with you I’m in paradise but your mind; oh yes your mind what can you say, you’re nothing without me, your mind it rides off in the other direction when you have your moments and it rides on the negative because you’re left outside alone. You know when I’m with you in the storm in the paradise doesn’t last forever because on the paradise roads you will ride on down the road on your stag keeping you safe until we find me.

My time. My time. My t-t-time will never end the helter skelter because we will be out whatever the weather. You open your cabin door to find your stag waiting for you to get back onto that open road; mmm my mind hopes you will follow the stag to where we should meet, my heart, my heart and my boom boom heart beats and thumping against my chest. Knowing that I’m alive. I’m alive a lot more now as you start to follow the stag.

You stop. Why oh why did you stop? Oh my, oh my. The stag tried to push you on a bit further into this paradise to go and find me. You start stroking the stag feeling the love in your bloody veins knowing that stag is right. Don’t need to blame anyone anymore. You know that the paradise of our love is there. Roll on. Roll on. Meet me there. Hold on. Hold on. You are strong. You are strong. My, my, my your strong….

Everyday Topics: (6.6.18) Wednesday – Ariana Grande suffers from PTSD

“No tears left to cry” Ariana Grande is awesome person, beautiful person and amazing person who can take on anything no matter what life throws at her. So heavily grounded not letting fame get to her head; taking on trolls, haters and many more things. Down to her mothers support, guidance and love. Now like every other person who witnessed, become a victim and many more. Ariana has another thing to face.

Ariana has now has to face Mental Health Issues of PSTD I can understand that she can’t talk about it because it was her show that it happened to; she lost so many fans that day, she had lots of fans became victims of traumatic injuries and feels like it’s all her fault when it isn’t.

Ariana is allowed to feel the same thing as everyone else; she was also effect too because she had amazing time putting all the things into the concert to give her fans the show that they wanted, and someone decides to ruin their Birthday, Christmas present and many more things. A night out watching their idol waiting for a year or so until that night in Manchester turned to a nightmare.

Ariana is 24 years old young singer rose to fame in 2008 throughout acting and singing owning herself a household name from being a childstar with a young strong minded young girl. Not letting her fame get to her head; she helped people to escape from the concert with her mum, she came back after a few months put on the concert in memory of the injured, victims who where there and victims who had lost their lives on the day of the attack.

No matter how much she had to struggle with but she’s loyal to her fans; sharing her feelings, trying to talk about what happened but can’t because she will end up crying and most importantly she is a fan of her fans as they are a fan of hers. She showing them that “it’s okay we are in this together. We are strong. We are one. One love is all we need” she gives so much positive throughout her songs and being a normal human being. She doesn’t use her fame or her fortune to help her to get onto the platform making her big headed. She gets down on hands and knees work with her fans.

That’s what I love about Ariana she’s so grounded and turns every negative into a positive; speaks her mind if she needs to, defend anyone if she needs to and most importantly being her true self. She has a strong mind and she will have PTSD for the rest of her life become anxious every time she goes on stages to perform but with the support of her fans, security and musicians. Most importantly her family and friends close by to get her through it all; she can show the world that no matter how little or how big something might be that can trigger off her mental health she will find away to deal with it. She won’t let her define her and her show to her fans that it’s okay to take baby steps to face your fears. It’s going to be a long recovery for her and her fans.

Few of her videos in memory

Meeting some of her fans

School Choir in memory

Ariana Grande Live One Love Concert – One Last Time

Ariana Grande – No tears left to cry

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (6.6.18) Wednesday – Story of My Life – Story Based

Story of my life when I’m kept in the dark about things but I wish you could be with me now; as I can’t sleep without you next to me so I have to go to the river to pray because I need something that can wash out the pain, and the memories that are flashing in my minds eye that I don’t want to see. I keep sleeping with you’re ghost the ghost of you laying next to me to keep these demons away from me. 

My friend have figured you out they saw what’s inside of you because there’s wasn’t anything for you to hide; there was no evil coming through from you all they could see was your kindness, loving, patient and protection coming through. Everytime you were near I could feel these eyes sitting on the wall watching every move that I make; even with the bright light of the sun they are there in the shade but your loving heart makes my spirit have hope that I can do this, knowing that I’m not a lone in this. 

I had to go through hell on my own to be able to prove that I’m not insane because I had met the devils name and now I’m starting to know his name. I then find your burning love coming through holding your hand out whilst everything was burning out by the water. 

Sitting here with you as we stare at these written walls are the stories that I can’t explain what they all mean because I just leave my heart open for days but my thoughts stay there on these walls for days. The morning that I have something to show you and I took you to this room with all of my stories of my past covering all over the walls and ceilings. 

You knew that I love you to the bones and knew I struggled to open up but now you finally got to see and read what was happening in my head. You didn’t realise how much I was dying inside of me; these words that are written on the walls will be on my grave stone because that’s how much I hated about myself, no matter how many times I’ve been to hell you know I’m gone there when I’m in a bad dark place. I just want the ground to open beneath me so wide that I can get away from this life; in away I’m holding on too tight to you from falling into the hole that has nothing in between. 

This is the story of my life battling with mental health; I just want you to take me home even if you drive all night to keep me warm because I’m frozen in time, I wish this wasn’t the story of my life but it is and you give me hope, love, patience until I’m no more broke inside. 

The words that are written on these walls are in colour I can’t change them because I don’t know how to but they are attacking my heart that’s widely open in its cage. I know in the morning as I can see the light creeping up over the hill as I lay on the floor with you and your arms wrapping around me protecting me. Although I am broken without you I think I would of been gone tonight; the fire that was beneath my feet was burning so bright, the way that I was holding you and you were holding onto me so tight like there was nothing can become between us. I’ve been waiting for this time to come around but I didn’t know how to explain myself I felt like I was chasing something. 

The things that I’ve seen, the things that I’ve heard, the things that I’ve experienced with. The is the story of my life battling with mental health. 

Mental Health Issues: Insecurities within myself

Apologies for not posting anything yesterday (19.5.18) I literally had bad day yesterday crying, anxiety attacks, hurt and angry about something which is personal not sure wether to talk about it with you guys but at the end of the day it’s my chose. I hope you guys forgive me not for posting anything yesterday I literally had a struggling to write things yesterday.

However I will talk about one thing that I felt yesterday as you can tell it’s insecurities within myself. The reasons why I’m feeling like it is because when I trust someone or have people accuse me for something that I didn’t do or take something out of me because they are hurting too. Yet I don’t take it out on them because I’m hurting unless it was them that hurt me; kind of what happened yesterday for me, losing it with someone due to the fact that they made me feel so insecure about something that they knew about.

Yet they still go behind my back ignore what I’m most insecure about and make it out that’s all about them. To be quiet frankly it makes me feel like I’m not good enough, feel pretty enough and etc. Yes I’m always self conscious about myself all the time but even when I’m taking pictures of myself knowing that I won’t like what I take because I start to put myself down.

Believe me I am so harsh and hard on myself you can’t imagine. The fact is it’s how I am and I have good days where I actually look good feeling confident and comfortable about myself but yet sometimes looking like the way I am on a good day I feel horrible. The fact is that I’m trying to take control of my life again making sure I’m doing the right thing by me and how I make myself feel respectable enough knowing that I’m fine and etc.

(Daily Stories) Mental Health: You start to believe that you are going psycho

This week from the 14th to 20th May 2018 in the United Kingdom is Mental Health Awareness Week I believe that it was brought in by Heads Together which is formed by Prince William, Prince Harry and Kate. As you guys know that I bring this topic up now and then but most recently this past week or so as I’ve been having a few days by struggling with my own mental health.

I try and talk about it as much as I can but sometimes I don’t want to make my official personal blog all about my mental health because I don’t like talking about it at the best of times and I don’t like to draw attention to myself about it. You guys starting to know or learned that I don’t draw or make everything about myself when I’m writing my blogs. I like to bring positivity, fun and safe environment for everyone who comes and reads my blogs. Yes I may start off saying at the beginning of the week I might be struggling this week; yet you guys understand that to which shows the love, patience and guidance that if I’m having a bad day during the week I’ll try and write a blog or two if I can but if not you know in the next blog before I start I would apologies.

Yesterday morning after I had done my first shift of my job I had the worst morning you could imagine; currently paying the price of a bruise forehead forgot all about it until I started putting make up on this morning and every time I put the make up brush on my head it hurt, that’s when I remembered why it hurts you could say itself harming or not but it’s up too you. I just got frustrated and upset yesterday I didn’t really know what to do.

I still managed to do three blogs for you yesterday amazingly even with that going on; I went a bit of a psycho where my past came back to haunt me to which I took it out on a friend of mine who wasn’t replying to me, which made it 10 times worse at the time and he started on me for accusing him being a lair. He realised after I through back in his face that he accused me with things before when he was down, not trusting me and etc.

He soon realised that I did have a valid point that he chucked a load of untrue things towards me; he knew my past where people lied, hurt me and many other things. My friend soon realised that I was in the most vulnerable place at the time and need him to protect me from my thoughts as I was too tired to fight anymore at the time. Today (17.5.18) I woke up feeling alright but still didn’t have a great night due to not sleeping properly again and all my joints were starting to play up. As you guys know I suffer with joint problems at the best of times; they kept me up most of the night (probably thinking why don’t you take something for the pain) the fact is there is so much you can take to stop the pain. However putting it all to the side I have had done a lot of walking on the first two days this week plus my knees don’t really bend as much as they should do. I think it’s called “Hyper mobility” where certain areas don’t like to bend and become very stiff. I think it’s also part of your brain that’s been cut off by telling you to not bend as much or not at all. I do try and get them to loosen up as the best I can even if it’s going to hurt.

Putting that to aside how I know all that; that is another Daily Stories for another day, this morning I felt like I was getting better after having a good few hours sleep. I could feel the difference between having a complete melt down and everything to a stage where I knew my insecurities and certain things were there before I went into that danger zone like I was yesterday (16.5.18). It was that safe warning that I was coming out of the danger but in the amber section like the traffic like Red – is very dangerous, Amber – you’re okay but not really in the green or the red and then Green – you’re safe and in the good place.

I’m currently in between amber and green right now which is a good thing because I know that I’m getting better by feeling it with inside myself. The evilness of the cursed mental health is being beaten one way or another; that’s also the reason why I chose the queen of spiders in the picture for mental health category because I find that the colours that I chose for the picture is how I feel dark black with grey spiders all that I can see is the colours of that queen’s hair shining so brightly when I’m in the dark place.

Saturday Topics: Someone give me a bat?

Not impressed this morning never felt so restless all night anxiety, nightmares and most of all up for about two hours constantly going to the bathroom I know too much information but restless and anxious I just want someone to give me a bat so I  can knock my anxiety senselessly out of me. I literally had enough of my mental health for now don’t even know why I’m so anxious about. The fact that this past week or so it’s been horrendous not as bad as the other week to be honest but I don’t know what gives. 

Just give me a baseball bat any day of the week and let me beat the crap out of it. Trust me because no matter how much I hate other people having it and hate it where people who can’t help but try to but feel useless at the best of times want beat the crap out of it.

I just practically washed my hair, put my make up on, watched YouTube videos all day and slept to catch up after my restless night. Along with a few messages from friends to keep me going throughout the day but other than that today has been a long one thanks to the stupid restless night and anxiety.

I’ve created a new picture for Saturday’s Topics which down below I thought it be awesome to use the pictures that I colour in for the picture category for today. Let me know what you think and should I use them more often. Happy rainy Saturday guys.

Wednesday Online Diary Entries: “the feeling sick in your stomach” – Story Based

Weather this is a Story Based or not but I just thought I’ll put in there just to cover myself if it turns out to be like it. When you get that whole feeling of being anxious and etc you have that knot inside your stomach for the whole day whether it goes or stays it’s like am I going to be sick or not. 

Today (25.4.16) has been a bit of a emotional rollercoaster for me as I’ve been picking up more work to which I don’t mind it gets me out of the house. In between trying to catch up on some sleep but not normally works because I don’t trust myself at the best of times. 

Yet it’s been one of those days where it’s been raining on and off like nobody knows to be honest but it was expected to happen anyway. Like me trying to attempt of getting this blog post done but that was harder than expected but I’ve got it done even if it’s not well and truly planned. 

I’ve managed to create data collection for my facebook page because back in the summer of 2017 I had started to do it but stopped but I’ve decided to do it again. I enjoy doing it to be honest to help me understand who what where and etc. Also give me some sort of positive to be able to see people actually liking what I do than not liking what I do. 

That reminds me I’ve got to do a April Newsletter at some point soon because it’s nearly the end of the month so it needs doing. That’s if I can actually remember what happened haha. This month is going way to fast for my liking. 

Mental Health Issues: Anxiety and Depression gets you into trouble.

Do you find that sometimes you’re mental health issues get you into trouble at the best of times? I find that a lot because either one keeps me up most of the night and I struggle to get out of bed in the morning even if it’s a work day but yet sometimes both attack me at the same time. You know that I hate talking about these types of things but at some point it’s good to talk about these things to be able to make people aware that it’s out there and people need to be aware that it’s happening. 

I do find it increasingly annoying that I try so hard to fight all of this everyday no matter how much I am feeling; I still don’t feel like I’m good enough even when the sun is out I still feel like, even tiny little bits that are really unnecessary to the point of  a dog who’s a pain in the arse who’s constantly barking along with the owners having ago at or something. You’re just like seriously man make my mood feel even worse. 

To be honest it puts me off for even having one long term to be honest with you. No matter how much I like them it’s annoying. I find that even people who are self centred and can be manipulative can make you feel 10 times worse because they always try to find away to change it to where they can make it all about them. That gets me down by no matter what you try and do to help them they use it against you like you haven’t done anything. 

You’re like okay so I’m not allowed to feel or saying anything that’s happening in my life because everything is about you. Okay then. Fine then. Yet they say how can you be so strong and everything. I don’t know I just do I sit on it guard my heart to the point off I explode then they realise not everything is about them at all. They realise you’ve been struggling way more than they realise and you don’t talk about it until you explode in their face. I know when something sent me over the edge I break down crying and I’m just as exhausted more afterwards than ever before.