Everyday Online Diary Entries: (4.6.18) Monday – How do you cope when people letting you down?

It’s that time again Monday everyone is going back to school, work and etc; shops can finally relax once more for the next month and half until the 6 weeks holidays, I know my sister will be astatic about it for awhile.

Now the question is that you guys want to know is how do you cope when people letting you down? Over the years I’ve been let down so many times I tend to get use to it; I try not to get my hopes up as much as I should in fear of what might happen until it happens, I toughing myself up quite easily because I know I don’t want to get hurt as much.

Yes it hurts. Yes I want to lash out on people especially people who let me down badly. I have done in the past because I didn’t know how to cope with it at the time. Now and then I do lash out on people who don’t turn up; I’ve done it a few times this week but I tend control it afterwards because I know I start turning it onto myself with me, I know I start to go into the horrible cycle and start blaming myself for it all thinking it’s my fault also that something is wrong with me.

I know that it isn’t my fault or anything but who can I blame or blow of my steam at? It’s like when I was meant to go away and it never happened I did lose it a bit but what could I do as I wasn’t getting any response at the time. I knew I was going to wind myself up even more.

I have a respect for my parents even though they hate seeing their children get hurt; I tend not to tell them until the last minute or close near the time, so I know that it’s actually happened because I know how upset my parents can get. I knew this weekend would happen because I could feel that something was wrong; I did lose it a bit, and at the end of the day I just threw myself into writing the blogs. As much as I could because it was the only thing that I knew how to do it other than going shopping spending money to which is very bad for me and my depression.

I tend to fight it and not think about it as much as I could; I know one of my parents would go on about it because they want what’s best, and makes them sad even close to tears. I did remind them that I try not to think about it put things into place that I know what’s good for me that can distract myself; I know how much they want to talk about it, I didn’t want to talk about it as I struggle to open up about these types of things.

However I did go out to the town with one of my parents and I didn’t buy anything which is good for me but I did secretly put a few things in the basket from Poundland which one of my parents got me. I needed them so there’s no Poundland Haul I’m afraid. I literally just thrown myself into things like would help me get through the day not to think about things.

I brought ice lollies for my parents, my sister and myself as it was hot, I wanted to say “I’m okay”, I watched YouTube videos, left over Chinese take away I had left over, blogging and watching Paddington 2. I literally just wanted to get through the pain barrier because I didn’t want let it the negativity control my mind.

The best thing to cope of people who let you down; you need to remember is not your fault, there’s nothing wrong with you because it’s not and it’s the person who let you down and not explaining themselves of what actually happened.

Remember ‘be you, be yourself, love yourself, don’t let negativity people bring you downs and most importantly don’t let your own negative mind control you”

Blog Remembrance Aid: London Bridge/Westminster Victims 22.3.17 – Chasing Pavements

Tribute to London Bridge/Westminster Victims that happened on 22.3.17

I’ve made up my mind I don’t need to think it over whether I’m wrong or right; I don’t need to look no further because I know that this ain’t lust, I know this isn’t love this is hate that you’ve been taken away from me on the London Bridge and Westminster. However but if I tell the world how much I miss you and how much I love you but I know it’s never enough. I know it’s not the same anymore I don’t know what exactly to do; I just need you to tell me what to do for the last time because I missing you so much, I’m trying to keep on fighting for my life to keep going and it’s a lot harder than you think.

Should I give up? Or should I just keep on chasing pavements? What happens if it leads nowhere? Or would it be a waste of time? If I knew my place should I leave it there? And start fresh on a new pavement or continuing chasing this same pavement?

I should build myself up and fly around in circles as I wait for my heart drops once again. However my back begins to tingle as I start to feel you next to me as I’m chasing this pavement. Could this finally be it the pavement that I might be taking.

Hustle and Bustle Advice of Blogging: Life on the open road project online diary entries

You may seem recently that I’ve been writing life on the open road project online diary entries over the weekend; the reason that I’ve started this sort of blog project I wanted to create a positive vibe, and positive vibe out there for everyone who suffer any mental health issues, confidence issues and many other things.

I can tell you that in my blog notebook for ideas I have quotes inside them the journal book that I have is called “Angel Journal book”. Brought it in the Works Store in my hometown pretty awesome notebook throughout the book it has quotes that are very positive.

I’m going to keep this one short and sweet this week because I’ve got a page up and running at the top of my blog website called “Life on the open road project” for you all to check out with all of the information that you need. Watch this space you beautiful people because your worth it.

Everyday Online Dairy Entries: (3.6.18) Sunday – People standing you up or work forgets that your going away.

This week just gone I was off for the week from my job I pretty much I hate holidays now because this happens. Last weekend I arranged to meet up with someone on a Tuesday saying that they will meet up and everything; all off the sudden when Tuesday came no response what so ever, no time that was organised or anything and they haven’t even given me the reason why they didn’t messaged me for not turning up.

However then you have people telling you how much they hate you and everything because you can’t help them out with anything and they know perfectly well you don’t have money or something sort. Then they apologise that they were being paranoid and so on; however it gives you no excuse to continue taking it out on someone that they love, trust me when I’m in one I don’t have them that often people know they are in trouble because they’ve upset me and in for it.

Now you want to know what happened to my long weekend away. To be honest with you I don’t even know myself been told it was work forgetting that they booked time off and really needed them. To be quite honest with you how can you forget someone who is going away? Hopefully they will let have the evening off (3.5.18) and have Monday to Tuesday off so that they can have the rest of the holiday that they booked if not they will refund the money that we spent on the hotel. This is their job I’m talking about.

I just hate when I try to get hold of people then they either responded later on or don’t respond at all and make an excuse one way or another. It’s not like I have trust issues or anything or be let down by loads of people all the time. You probably asking how do I cope with it all. I’ll explain it all for another day.

Remember ‘be you, be yourself, love yourself, don’t let negativity of people get to you or let your own negative control your mind’

Lifeontheopenroadproject Online Diary Entries: (3.6.18) Sunday – Tiny trickle down

Did you feel a tiny raindrops trickle down from and land upon your cheek when there is no rain in sight, and wonder where it came from the day is sunny and bright?

Did you ever hear someone clearly call out your name, and when you turned to look there’s not a familiar face anywhere around and wonder it came from, when the voice was there without an ounce of doubt?

The answer is quite simple, angels are everywhere watching over you and me. Though at times we don’t feel a presence at our side; angels are always there morning, noon and night in the most mysterious of ways looking after us with much love forever and always.

The Weekend Topics: (2.6.18) Saturday – Blaming your mental health for something!

Saving my hands getting burnt from my iPad I found my iPad keyboard so I can get most of my blogs done this weekend. I’ll explain to why I haven’t gone away in another blog for another day. However this will give me the opportunity to focus on my blogs a bit more as I have now got ideas to write about. To which is written down now before I forget what they are.

In the recent days of this week (week beginning of 26th May 2018) an American presenter wrote a racist tweet; they blamed it on their medication/mental health issues on doing saying that they didn’t know what they were doing. ABC channel took their show off air completely too right to be honest with you; I commented on someone blog this morning (2.6.18) I totally agreed what the blogger had said totally because I suffer from mental health issues such as Depression and Anxiety as you guys may know as I’ve talked about it a few times.

You know when I’m having bad day or a few days I either let you guys know or apologies if I haven’t written anything. You guys come back with great positivity and support to keep me going. I would never write anything that would upset anyone or anything when I’m in that framed of mind; knowing how much I want to at the time posting things thats on my mind, I know the out comes would be if it did happen and it would ruin my writing career.

I would never blame my medication or my mental health issues for doing something or saying something on the social media. Trust me I know what I’m doing I chose to let my mental health define me or I take control of my mental health and beat it every time I have a relapse. I chose to fight and control my mental health than letting it define me; at the end of the day I’m the one who wants to live my life as much as I can because at the end of the day I know who I am and how much I can cope with.

As some of you may know I’m quite straightforward and tough on things especially on myself because I know that I can do things if I push myself to do things. I don’t even know that I’m doing it at the best of times until a few people tell me and laugh. They laugh and say “I love being with you because you just say it as it is” even though they know when I’m quiet something I want to say but don’t say it and you have people who don’t know me that well think I’m just quiet.

I never blame my mental health or my learning disability for any reason what so ever or an excuse for things and etc. All I can say is “don’t post anything on social media that will get you into trouble and turn around to say ‘I have mental health issues or it’s the side effects of my medication’” you know exactly what your doing don’t lie through your teeth you make other people who have mental health issues look bad and make them look like they don’t want recovery or don’t want for help. There are few bloggers out there that I know who I follow who have mental health issues can turn their lives around because they want to live.

Remember “be you, be yourself, love yourself, don’t let the negativity people bring you down and most importantly don’t let you’re negative mind control you to bring you down”

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (2.6.18) Saturday – Don’t lie to people! You will get caught out.

Have you been lied to? Or have you lied to people? Please don’t because at the end of the day you’re the ones who be caught out by the people that you love or lead them on when you know how vulnerable they are to start with or much more than that. Lying isn’t the best way to say I haven’t done this or I haven’t done that or anything like that.

The amount of times I’ve been lying too in the past about things I have pretty much have a gut instinct where something isn’t right; that’s when I soon realise that I’ve been lied to, I’ve always had that gut instinct before I’ve even been lied too and I always find away to make them break or crack because people don’t understand I have this thing where I have this motion sensor if you like to call it. That’s probably why I’m quite good at telling how it is and toughen myself up because I know darn well something isn’t right.

Trust me I even done it on one of my brothers girlfriends in the past my god I was right all along but I remained silent for along time as the events unfolded. I just acted like I cared and liked her for the sake of my brother. You may say it’s a sibling thing but I’m pretty much like to most people.

I’m pretty much prone to standing up to people in away I think they need to hear the truth and what not. You maybe surprise for someone who has mental health can be in control of things when battling something like that. The fact is I’ve toughened myself up a lot over the years and I try not let myself get to that state of mind if I can. Also I’m pretty good at playing the quiet but innocent card which makes people think I’m just quiet and that’s who I am; yet people who really know me, I mean really know me they know there’s me screaming in my head and want to say something to whoever it is.

I’m pretty much saying be on you’re guard at the best of times. Don’t lie to people. Always dig into the things that might not be true or not because at the end of the day yes your going to get hurt. At least you protected yourself as much as you can in the long run; I’m only saying this because this week I just caught someone lying to me, and I gave them evidence that they’ve actually received it and been lying to me making it out it’s stuck at x and that they have to pay for it and what not.

What a load of b****** trust me you know what I did with the information. I sent it to the person who lied to me and asked the explanation and sent it to a friend of mine who was helping me out with looking for information. Along with sending it to someone else to say look if you actually listened to me something wasn’t right about this you wouldn’t of being so paranoid in the first place and blaming me for it all. I know that they hate it when I tell the truth and looking into it all that doesn’t make sense. They were like “oh don’t you trust me” “oh forget it leave it there”. The fact that I you lost my trust ages ago and never made up for it; secondly I know perfectly well I’m the one who will get to the bottom of it all, then you know why I find it hard to trust people when they lie to me about things. Just don’t lie!

Remember “be you, be yourself, love yourself, don’t let negative people get you down and most importantly don’t get your own negative mind get you down.”

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (1.6.18) Friday – Prep for going away but….

Friday has finally arrived I’ve been wishing my week away to get to my mini holiday come sooner; now my anxiety has started to kick in where I don’t want to go, the ifs and the buts the questions of what if it doesn’t happen or what will happen when I get there. I know I’m being stupid and all that. I know I’m being anxious but I can’t help the fact that things might not turn out the way I hoped and what not.

I’ve planned what I want to take and what not just need to put it in my suitcase but I’m stalling time because I know I’ll be freaking out soon enough. I’ve brought a few things that I might need with me which I need to pack. Do need to wash my make up brushes before tomorrow because they do need to be cleaned.

I know I find being at home a bit hard and want to escape but being away from home is another thought. I know I’ll be fine I’m one of those people who just get on with it and do it. As my sister always says to me and her self “you (me) stop being so brave and me (her) be brave” love her pep talk to herself I know that she knows I’m one of those people who just gets on with it and push myself.

The one thing I won’t miss when I do go away is the annoying dogs who are like making my house like a ping pong match. I’m probably over thinking this with the whole it’s not going to happen business it’s just that I can’t get hold of my friend whom I’m going away with. I’m probably over thinking things and they have been busy all day with work all that.

I fell asleep for about two hours or so. I was pretty tired and anxious I just hope that they get into contact soon they know how anxious I get about these things where we arrange something either they come up with an excuse or something. I don’t know probably all in me head as it normally is. I still haven’t heard anything arrrhh hate when people don’t reply even though they know that they need to arrange a time and what not. I knew this would happen they better get into contact soon because I’m not going to pack any further until I hear something from them. Think positive Lizzy think positive.

Everyday Online Diary Entries: Storm Thursday (31.5.18)

Storm is once back again today for the end of May 2018 for the United Kingdom (31.5.18) today has been pretty much a long day for me to be honest I hate long days when I haven’t done much to be honest. However at 4:35am this morning it was completely foggy couldn’t see any of the small trees as I was looking out of my window that sat in my next door neighbours gardens; all I could see was this huge tree sitting in the car park of a restaurant that literally sits not to far from the end of my garden, just looming over everything like it was just outside my window even though it’s like in the next road. It always reminds me off the muppet character called “Sweetums” the big hair guy. Over the years I barely even noticed the resemblance of it all but at least 3-4 years the more I paid attention to it the more I actually could see it in the dark and the fog.

Later on in the day whilst things had started to brew over time; my autistic cousin messaged me to remind my mum his aunt to get the washing in as it’s about to rain/raining, so I had to move from the nice and warm comfort of my once messy floor room to go outside to tell her and the fact that he was sweet enough to message me to go and tell her was one thing. Even if it was joint effort with his mum telling him about it and get me to go and tell my mum. Then telling me about something important that was happening in like two months time and asking me what time would I be there and etc I was like I haven’t even thought about it as it’s ages away like another month. We have a special connection me and my cousin.

To be honest I’ve just spent at least half an hour just cleaning apart of my floor and hoovered it; from the door to my bed and visa bed to the door. It really needed doing to be honest with you not too bad but due to my tight muscle in my lower back I couldn’t spend too much time like bending up and down for long period of time. People say it’s because of my weight. However I know exactly what it is and what caused it. Just the job that I’ve been doing for the past 7 years doing the wrong sort of moving handling even though I’ve been trained but still do it wrong all well. Another thing I have to worry about along with the ligaments and the sprains and everything else. I think I’m just generally falling apart and I’m only **** years haha.

The fact we all know I get quite sassy when it comes to certain things you definitely will know that I will say as it is and be sassy after being down for so long. If you don’t…you do now because my friends always point it out to me when I do it to them and I don’t realise I’m doing it until they say. Just come to realise that I’ve just written a whole blog for you guys without thinking much about it and it’s not gibberish. That’s another thing that you guys may find about me when I do a very long blogs you know I’m on top form along with a few scheduled ones in the mean time as well.

I have planned some bits with this diary entry in my plotting journal book which to be honest is quite handy for me as I do watch a fair bit amount of youtube recently and my iPad is the only thing that I can actually watch things on it. So it gives me that effort, the push to say “hey you need to get back into writing in journals again get off the iPad and watch something. Whilst you do that write ideas down in your journal book.” So I have started writing back into one of the journals that I have and I’ve found two positive books that I started I think it was sometime last year I think it was. I kept on loosing one or the other; I think I might actually use one for Life on the open road project and one just general positive book, so I can start writing Life on the open road project blogs for you all in a diary form.

Chinese food tonight yum and saved off for lunch tomorrow now. All and all today been alright. Just be you, love yourself, don’t let peoples negativity harm and don’t let your own negativity thoughts control over you.