Everyday Evening Post: (7.6.18) Thursday – “What should I do with my life?”

One of the most important questions that I ask myself “what should I do with my life?” I always find myself pounding about this question every so often even more when I’m in a bad place. I have dreams I have goals. Yet I always come back to the same old question; yes I want to be writer, yes I want to go traveling, yes I want to drive and so forth.

The fact that I always believe and give hope to other people. I am quite straight forward person who seems to come across very direct and confidant when I have something on my mind I would say it. Trust me it does get me into trouble but not that bothered at the end of the day.

I’m not that confident or self believe in myself or take a chance to do something that I actually want to do with my life. I’m currently in a bit of a limbo in what I want to do with my life at the moment; I love what I’m doing at the moment, I just want to see what I want to do who knows maybe this might take off one day.

I’m just not getting my hopes up at the moment but that’s because I’m being realistic but I’m going to keep on writing and writing my little thumbs can type to it’s heart can content. Not sure if that makes sense but you guys know what I mean. However I like to remain positive as much as I can; share the positive with you guys, promote the “Life On The Open Road Project” as a positive category as you can see with the new pictures it has the titles promoting it.

I want to take you on my open road how I can continue to be positive, creative, achieving things and many more things throughout blogging. I want to help get you guys motivated no matter how much you struggle with things; I know how it feels struggling with confidence, self esteem, mental health issues and many other issues that I face.

I think I might actually just answered my own question on that fact I don’t know what I do with my life. I want to share with you something that I created a video of my favourite youtubers that help get through my darkest times recently. I share the think down below you can copy and share with friends and family.

YouTube Link by clicking on them

Motivation Team Trailer

The Motivation Team full works

Everyday Topics: (7.6.18) Thursday’s Topics: I could shoot myself in the foot with this one.

Okay guys I could shoot myself in the foot with this one here; yet this is my opinion and I respect other people’s opinions too, everyone has opinions neither of us are right or wrong. It’s brought to my attention in the last couple of days that I’ve been watching a few people’s videos to which I’m leaving out because I actually like their content. However what goes behind the scenes doesn’t bother me what so ever because at the end of the day it’s not my business nor do I really want to know what’s going on. I’m one of those people who like to pry on other people’s problems or anything. I just hate the whole attention, attention seeking and play off the whole who has more fan base or subscribers whatever they want to cool it.

I just enjoy the videos that they make at the end of the day; if they make me laugh, make me be on edge, make me want to come back for more then that’s great because at the end of the day I respect them for who they are and don’t really need to share their whole life stories like other people seem to do like it’s a home diary. For example: Big Brother Style. Some people like to do it, some people like to do other things that are different and have their own twist to it all. Yeah I write diary entries but I don’t tell you guys my life story in them; I literally choose what I want to share, what content I want to write about and plan it to make sense.

I don’t understand one thing people who say “I made you big” “no I made you big” and so on and so forth. I don’t actually care how they do it to be honest because at the end of the day fame doesn’t really bother me; you may find how much people think I did this on my own, it took me years to do and etc but yet if someone helped you along the way wouldn’t you be grateful that they helped you to get onto the platform?

Instead of being grateful or anything they just split off from you and cause conflict between all the friends that you both know. It’s just silly and childish at the end of the day. Unless your one of those people who fake making their videos; harass other YouTubers because they like them thinking that you’re going out with them, spreading lies that people stole you’re ideas and everything else. Also making it on the news saying you’re homeless and making a YouTube video saying “today is my last day in my home. I am now homeless” oh come on firstly use your brain and common sense.

First off all if you were made homeless you wouldn’t be still making videos; you wouldn’t have you’re camera to make videos still, and most importantly you wouldn’t have anywhere to edit or upload you’re video or videos. Secondly if you’re account has been cancelled or what ever it is that they do; you can’t make another YouTube account under the same name because they will find out, and shut that one down as well. Thirdly I can tell someone is lying, a fake and everything else years of experience with people in the real world. Acting like you’re all hard paying other people to do the work for you to make you look good because they are terrified of you as you might do something to them. Oh please just get over yourself man.

People take years to get where they are; things don’t happen over night trust me I’ve been doing blogging since the end of November 2015, it’s taken me this far to where I am with 1,317 subscribers I think I last checked and at the end of the day I’m doing the blogging and the writing for myself because I love writing and I want to become a writer. I also like to show people who have confidence issues, low self esteem and many more that they can do things if they put their minds to it and stick at it. Trust me I’ve been through a lot in my life. I’ve taken on so many challenges in my life away from the world of today.

I always say to anyone who is reading this or someone says to me I can’t do this. I stick to this saying for Life On The Open Road Project “be yourself, love yourself, don’t let negativity people bring you down and most importantly don’t let your own negativity mind bring you down” I believe that people can do things if they put their mind to it changing what they think about themselves take chances that you want to do with your life. Just make the right decisions and not the wrong ones.

I know I’m quite straight forward in this blog than I normally am but I just wanted to put it out there that you make a decision wether a youtubers or any other blogger you come across tries to win you over or make you think the other person is wrong. Just don’t let them manipulate you in any other way because at the end of the day it’s you’re mind who you want to watch, read or be friends with if your a blogger reading this or a new blogger just about to start out. Just be you and that’s all that matters don’t let people change of who you are or what you should do with your life or your content.

I just want what’s best for you at the end of the day that’s all. Just be you and stay true to yourself no matter what the out come is. Try their idea if it doesn’t work it doesn’t work because at the end of the day you have to find away what works for you. Apologies if this became a rant but I just wanted to get this sort of topic out there in one peace.

Love you all. You are you that’s what all that matters.

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (7.6.18) Thursday – The moment when you day is long!

The moment when you find that your day is long as your on stand by for work; you’re like well am I needed or am I not that’s when your part half organised and not organised because you never know if you have to rush out or not, hour passes or so no phone call comes through and your like looking at you’re phone and it reads 7:30am. If you’re like me just gets back into bed for awhile and go back to sleep because you’re still tired and you didn’t get much sleep the night before.

You then wake up about an hour and half later look at your phone once again. Reads 9:00am. You’re like my god it feels much more later than that today is going to be a long one of nothing to do if I’m not working this afternoon. I know I know some its luxury of not having anything to do; we all know I like to keep myself busy time to time before it’s that time of my head starts to kick in, start overthinking and what not.

Believe me I was like that yesterday (6.6.18) I rang work and my boss answered; he was like “sorry not today but we will have something tomorrow afternoon and Friday for you”, I’m like “great” in my head but fortunately I managed to get hold of my friend as she was on her lunch break to say I could meet her after she finished work. I’m starting to go mad and my head is starting to go the other way I need to get out of the house.

Mind you my feet wasn’t so bad yesterday only slightly hurting to be honest. I’m one of those people who like to keep busy at the best of times; don’t get me wrong I love blogging, it gets me back into writing again properly and that I can focus more on it than I was. I have noticed you guys have started to read my everyday online entries again. Hang on you guys like them if I remember rightly you were interested in them before. It was either this one or the challenges one can’t remember now; self doubting myself now guys which one was it that you guys got addicted to let me know down in the comments, told you I’m losing the plot now guys.

Just realised that the picture for this diary entry summons up the day I had yesterday where it’s been long one; it’s like I’m sitting on the moon waiting for the sun to officially set in the sky, so that the moon can come out to play and the night falls the summer air changes to the smell of fresh damp air like it’s going to rain. I like this time of year when you don’t need to look on the weather news to find out if it’s going to rain or not. I only know this because of years of experience camping you notice if it has or not or going to rain by the smell of warmth and cold mixing together.

Everyday Topics: (6.6.18) Wednesday – Ariana Grande suffers from PTSD

“No tears left to cry” Ariana Grande is awesome person, beautiful person and amazing person who can take on anything no matter what life throws at her. So heavily grounded not letting fame get to her head; taking on trolls, haters and many more things. Down to her mothers support, guidance and love. Now like every other person who witnessed, become a victim and many more. Ariana has another thing to face.

Ariana has now has to face Mental Health Issues of PSTD I can understand that she can’t talk about it because it was her show that it happened to; she lost so many fans that day, she had lots of fans became victims of traumatic injuries and feels like it’s all her fault when it isn’t.

Ariana is allowed to feel the same thing as everyone else; she was also effect too because she had amazing time putting all the things into the concert to give her fans the show that they wanted, and someone decides to ruin their Birthday, Christmas present and many more things. A night out watching their idol waiting for a year or so until that night in Manchester turned to a nightmare.

Ariana is 24 years old young singer rose to fame in 2008 throughout acting and singing owning herself a household name from being a childstar with a young strong minded young girl. Not letting her fame get to her head; she helped people to escape from the concert with her mum, she came back after a few months put on the concert in memory of the injured, victims who where there and victims who had lost their lives on the day of the attack.

No matter how much she had to struggle with but she’s loyal to her fans; sharing her feelings, trying to talk about what happened but can’t because she will end up crying and most importantly she is a fan of her fans as they are a fan of hers. She showing them that “it’s okay we are in this together. We are strong. We are one. One love is all we need” she gives so much positive throughout her songs and being a normal human being. She doesn’t use her fame or her fortune to help her to get onto the platform making her big headed. She gets down on hands and knees work with her fans.

That’s what I love about Ariana she’s so grounded and turns every negative into a positive; speaks her mind if she needs to, defend anyone if she needs to and most importantly being her true self. She has a strong mind and she will have PTSD for the rest of her life become anxious every time she goes on stages to perform but with the support of her fans, security and musicians. Most importantly her family and friends close by to get her through it all; she can show the world that no matter how little or how big something might be that can trigger off her mental health she will find away to deal with it. She won’t let her define her and her show to her fans that it’s okay to take baby steps to face your fears. It’s going to be a long recovery for her and her fans.

Few of her videos in memory

Meeting some of her fans

School Choir in memory

Ariana Grande Live One Love Concert – One Last Time

Ariana Grande – No tears left to cry

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (6.6.18) Wednesday – Story of My Life – Story Based

Story of my life when I’m kept in the dark about things but I wish you could be with me now; as I can’t sleep without you next to me so I have to go to the river to pray because I need something that can wash out the pain, and the memories that are flashing in my minds eye that I don’t want to see. I keep sleeping with you’re ghost the ghost of you laying next to me to keep these demons away from me. 

My friend have figured you out they saw what’s inside of you because there’s wasn’t anything for you to hide; there was no evil coming through from you all they could see was your kindness, loving, patient and protection coming through. Everytime you were near I could feel these eyes sitting on the wall watching every move that I make; even with the bright light of the sun they are there in the shade but your loving heart makes my spirit have hope that I can do this, knowing that I’m not a lone in this. 

I had to go through hell on my own to be able to prove that I’m not insane because I had met the devils name and now I’m starting to know his name. I then find your burning love coming through holding your hand out whilst everything was burning out by the water. 

Sitting here with you as we stare at these written walls are the stories that I can’t explain what they all mean because I just leave my heart open for days but my thoughts stay there on these walls for days. The morning that I have something to show you and I took you to this room with all of my stories of my past covering all over the walls and ceilings. 

You knew that I love you to the bones and knew I struggled to open up but now you finally got to see and read what was happening in my head. You didn’t realise how much I was dying inside of me; these words that are written on the walls will be on my grave stone because that’s how much I hated about myself, no matter how many times I’ve been to hell you know I’m gone there when I’m in a bad dark place. I just want the ground to open beneath me so wide that I can get away from this life; in away I’m holding on too tight to you from falling into the hole that has nothing in between. 

This is the story of my life battling with mental health; I just want you to take me home even if you drive all night to keep me warm because I’m frozen in time, I wish this wasn’t the story of my life but it is and you give me hope, love, patience until I’m no more broke inside. 

The words that are written on these walls are in colour I can’t change them because I don’t know how to but they are attacking my heart that’s widely open in its cage. I know in the morning as I can see the light creeping up over the hill as I lay on the floor with you and your arms wrapping around me protecting me. Although I am broken without you I think I would of been gone tonight; the fire that was beneath my feet was burning so bright, the way that I was holding you and you were holding onto me so tight like there was nothing can become between us. I’ve been waiting for this time to come around but I didn’t know how to explain myself I felt like I was chasing something. 

The things that I’ve seen, the things that I’ve heard, the things that I’ve experienced with. The is the story of my life battling with mental health. 

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (5.6.18) Tuesday – When everything hurts!

Tuesday lovely Tuesday. Still cloudy with no sun but it’s still humid and warm yet still no rain or thunderstorms to clear the air. Would be quite nice to have some sort of warmth with blue skies and the sun being out to be honest with you. This blog is generally a down time blog; one of those chit chat blogs to be honest with you because lots have gone on to which I might talk about, I might not talk about them as we all know I don’t particularly want my whole life story on social media.

You probably thinking what does she mean “when everything hurts!” Let me explain since I was a kid I was prone to sprain my ankles and wrists; doctors couldn’t see anything that was wrong at the time, however I never really got it checked out properly since because they couldn’t find anything so I just got on with it and strap them up myself.

Hitting my late teens my knees had started to go and I was like great more things to sort out. I do go over my shoes a fair amount; I always had problems with shoes and my feet to be honest don’t know why, I think that’s why I prefer no shoes to be honest if only I can just go out walking around barefoot it would be amazing. Within the last year it or so my feet have decided to become painful where it’s too much to walk on or put weight on them no matter what I do.

I’ve been trying to in recent days or months to not go over in my shoes to see if I can correct my walking ability but obviously it comes with a price at the end of the day. I went out for a bit earlier didn’t realise how much it hurts just walking on them I came back home to find a blister on in between my toes and swollen feet. Pretty much wonder why I hate shoes to be honest and my feet.

Fancy that it was all cloudy and humid this morning by late afternoon it becomes hot, sunny and nice with hardly any clouds in the sky. I thought I’ll get out for a bit just for my mental health; I have a habit of joking about with my mental health done it twice now on two different people now, once I was working with a driver who I get on with and I told her that she’s nuts. She told me that means your nuts too and replied “yeah and I’m on medication for it” she cracked up laughing because it was true and it wasn’t what she meant on which I knew and we both just burst out laughing.

Someone said to me “are you mentally nuts” being me as well I come out with “that’s why I’m on medication” haha. I like to be control my mental health and make a joke about it because it helps me deal with it a bit more along with having ago at it when I’m just about to have a serious moment. It’s only recently I’ve started to have ago at it because I’m fed up with it now; so when my anxiety starts to kick in I turn around and say “Anxiety you piece of sh**”. Makes me feel a whole lot better because when I’m in not good frame of mind I put myself down so now I turn the tables and put it down…..

Teen Lifestyle: Clothing Range, Prom Clothing, Make Up changed since I was a teen. (2001-2010 my teen years)

Over the last 8 years since 2010 had arrived the new decade had arrived thousand of new clothing line, make up, prom clothing have changed since my time when I was a teen. Things have changed since the complete 2000 had arrived; I started secondary school/high school to some people but we call it secondary school in the U.K. however I started secondary in 2001 in September, through the time of school and college clothing and make up industries were still trying to work out what to make millennium a house hold name for itself.

It was trying come out of the 90’s to which they were trying to do the cross over; it still wasn’t much until now where you can actually find your own dress sense, more range of make up and a lots more ranges of prom dresses now then there was back in my day. There’s plenty to chose from and being able to feel you. I guess theses days now fashion has become more adaptable to what people actually want; they are getting there in lots of different areas from one generation to another generation suiting for everyone needs, which is really nice and cool. 

I really like the prom dresses that have been coming out every year; I’m like my god they are so pretty I wish I had these back in my day, there wasn’t enough out there back then and everything. I ended up with a black mesh over a cream lining; I’m sorry I don’t have a picture of it or  me wearing it, I’m quite luckily I don’t have one saved on here because I’m quite conconsious about how look in it and what I was quite insecure back then. 

I thought I was fat back then but I was actually quite slim back then and I have put weight on over the years since then. I guess bodies changes over the years and what not. When I was a teen I didn’t wear much make up or anything like that over the years then like I said there wasn’t much make up back that then. I did have make up back then but it didn’t appeal to me back then; I just didn’t understand much back then as I didn’t have anyone telling me how to do it or anything back then, however I know more now and how to do it making me feeling comfortable with myself. 

I didn’t have much money back then because I didn’t work and etc obviously until I left college 2011. That’s when I started to earn money and being able to do things for myself; that’s when I started to work on myself, finding my way in life as a young 20 year old at the time who just finished education and etc. 

I believe that teens of today have got more freedom and money to be able to do things today than I use to have back then. It’s goes to show how much things changed the first 10 years of 2000 and now. It’s about the times changing over the years and also there’s things that I would of done when I could. The fact that there’s things you guys can’t do now what I use to do; especially with new houses being built, and etc. 

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (4.6.18) Monday – How do you cope when people letting you down?

It’s that time again Monday everyone is going back to school, work and etc; shops can finally relax once more for the next month and half until the 6 weeks holidays, I know my sister will be astatic about it for awhile.

Now the question is that you guys want to know is how do you cope when people letting you down? Over the years I’ve been let down so many times I tend to get use to it; I try not to get my hopes up as much as I should in fear of what might happen until it happens, I toughing myself up quite easily because I know I don’t want to get hurt as much.

Yes it hurts. Yes I want to lash out on people especially people who let me down badly. I have done in the past because I didn’t know how to cope with it at the time. Now and then I do lash out on people who don’t turn up; I’ve done it a few times this week but I tend control it afterwards because I know I start turning it onto myself with me, I know I start to go into the horrible cycle and start blaming myself for it all thinking it’s my fault also that something is wrong with me.

I know that it isn’t my fault or anything but who can I blame or blow of my steam at? It’s like when I was meant to go away and it never happened I did lose it a bit but what could I do as I wasn’t getting any response at the time. I knew I was going to wind myself up even more.

I have a respect for my parents even though they hate seeing their children get hurt; I tend not to tell them until the last minute or close near the time, so I know that it’s actually happened because I know how upset my parents can get. I knew this weekend would happen because I could feel that something was wrong; I did lose it a bit, and at the end of the day I just threw myself into writing the blogs. As much as I could because it was the only thing that I knew how to do it other than going shopping spending money to which is very bad for me and my depression.

I tend to fight it and not think about it as much as I could; I know one of my parents would go on about it because they want what’s best, and makes them sad even close to tears. I did remind them that I try not to think about it put things into place that I know what’s good for me that can distract myself; I know how much they want to talk about it, I didn’t want to talk about it as I struggle to open up about these types of things.

However I did go out to the town with one of my parents and I didn’t buy anything which is good for me but I did secretly put a few things in the basket from Poundland which one of my parents got me. I needed them so there’s no Poundland Haul I’m afraid. I literally just thrown myself into things like would help me get through the day not to think about things.

I brought ice lollies for my parents, my sister and myself as it was hot, I wanted to say “I’m okay”, I watched YouTube videos, left over Chinese take away I had left over, blogging and watching Paddington 2. I literally just wanted to get through the pain barrier because I didn’t want let it the negativity control my mind.

The best thing to cope of people who let you down; you need to remember is not your fault, there’s nothing wrong with you because it’s not and it’s the person who let you down and not explaining themselves of what actually happened.

Remember ‘be you, be yourself, love yourself, don’t let negativity people bring you downs and most importantly don’t let your own negative mind control you”

Blog Remembrance Aid: London Bridge/Westminster Victims 22.3.17 – Chasing Pavements

Tribute to London Bridge/Westminster Victims that happened on 22.3.17

I’ve made up my mind I don’t need to think it over whether I’m wrong or right; I don’t need to look no further because I know that this ain’t lust, I know this isn’t love this is hate that you’ve been taken away from me on the London Bridge and Westminster. However but if I tell the world how much I miss you and how much I love you but I know it’s never enough. I know it’s not the same anymore I don’t know what exactly to do; I just need you to tell me what to do for the last time because I missing you so much, I’m trying to keep on fighting for my life to keep going and it’s a lot harder than you think.

Should I give up? Or should I just keep on chasing pavements? What happens if it leads nowhere? Or would it be a waste of time? If I knew my place should I leave it there? And start fresh on a new pavement or continuing chasing this same pavement?

I should build myself up and fly around in circles as I wait for my heart drops once again. However my back begins to tingle as I start to feel you next to me as I’m chasing this pavement. Could this finally be it the pavement that I might be taking.

Hustle and Bustle Advice of Blogging: Life on the open road project online diary entries

You may seem recently that I’ve been writing life on the open road project online diary entries over the weekend; the reason that I’ve started this sort of blog project I wanted to create a positive vibe, and positive vibe out there for everyone who suffer any mental health issues, confidence issues and many other things.

I can tell you that in my blog notebook for ideas I have quotes inside them the journal book that I have is called “Angel Journal book”. Brought it in the Works Store in my hometown pretty awesome notebook throughout the book it has quotes that are very positive.

I’m going to keep this one short and sweet this week because I’ve got a page up and running at the top of my blog website called “Life on the open road project” for you all to check out with all of the information that you need. Watch this space you beautiful people because your worth it.