Contribution to the victims and victims families who were effected in the Manchester Concert 22.5.17.
Right now I’m in that state of mind like I should of been dead because I haven’t got anymore tears left to cry. Here I am picking myself up everyday trying to love myself again, living my life again and I’m on my own picking myself up. We continued to turn up showing brave faces knowing deep down that we have a long way to go; I continue to have nightmares, major events and many more. It’s like I haven’t got no tears in my body like I’ve ran out but boy I hope you understand how hard it is for me try but it changed my life forever. It doesn’t matter how, what, where or who tries to help. Coming out to events or out for the day with friends or my family it’s hard work for me but I know I’ve got to do this.
The state of my mind of looking back when it happened and seeing people who have passed away I look at myself all the time glad that I’m still living but it could of been me I shouldn’t be here. I’ve got no tears left to cry but I know I’ll be crying every year on that day for the people who lost their lives because I’m not giving up on my life no matter how hard it is for me. Yet I’m going to do it for me and them. I just want them to come with me on this journey either beside me or mentally because I’m picking up for two people not just the one.
They point out the colours in you and I can see them too and boy I like them a lot as we can see them flying up the path to the heavens up above us like there was no tomorrow. I hate it that I’m living with the mental health but coming out in the rain letting it be my tears for once it’s like washing my sorrows and fears away for the day.
I’m not going to give up I’m going to fight for my life and those who lost their lives that day. As Ariana Grande song says “if you want it, take it. I should’ve said it before, tried to hide it, fake it. I can’t pretend anymore. I only wanna die alive. Never by the hands of a broken heart. Don’t wanna hear you lie tonight, now that I’ve become who I really am, this is the part when I say I don’t want ya. I’m stronger than I’ve been before. This is the part I break free ‘cause I can’t resist if no more.’
It’s been brought to my attention on my other blog site that I haven’t much used for over 9 months on which is now under review wether to take it down or not as I don’t use it but also someone used the name of it to access money under another name. I beg of you if someone who is pretending to be a celebrity or a royal who is asking for money please don’t hesitate to ask me for help. I will leave my details down below due to the fact that frauds are still at large and I have got people I can double check with as well to be certain.
I will had this up to my page site as well just for reminders and help if needs be please remember that celebrities and royals will have certain certifications by their name which is normally a blue star with a tick inside. That is when you know they are real people. I must warn you non of the royals in United Kingdom have their own personal social media it is run by the people who are working for them. If you would like more information about that please let me know by using my details down below to which I will give right now.
To contact me for suspicious frauds but not sure if they are real or not contact me on email@example.com I can receive the emails day or night and I’ll get back to you promptly and quickly.
Apologies for not posting anything yesterday (19.5.18) I literally had bad day yesterday crying, anxiety attacks, hurt and angry about something which is personal not sure wether to talk about it with you guys but at the end of the day it’s my chose. I hope you guys forgive me not for posting anything yesterday I literally had a struggling to write things yesterday.
However I will talk about one thing that I felt yesterday as you can tell it’s insecurities within myself. The reasons why I’m feeling like it is because when I trust someone or have people accuse me for something that I didn’t do or take something out of me because they are hurting too. Yet I don’t take it out on them because I’m hurting unless it was them that hurt me; kind of what happened yesterday for me, losing it with someone due to the fact that they made me feel so insecure about something that they knew about.
Yet they still go behind my back ignore what I’m most insecure about and make it out that’s all about them. To be quiet frankly it makes me feel like I’m not good enough, feel pretty enough and etc. Yes I’m always self conscious about myself all the time but even when I’m taking pictures of myself knowing that I won’t like what I take because I start to put myself down.
Believe me I am so harsh and hard on myself you can’t imagine. The fact is it’s how I am and I have good days where I actually look good feeling confident and comfortable about myself but yet sometimes looking like the way I am on a good day I feel horrible. The fact is that I’m trying to take control of my life again making sure I’m doing the right thing by me and how I make myself feel respectable enough knowing that I’m fine and etc.
No matter what you do in your blogs weather you post them or you don’t post them either they are too personal or not. You have the actions that might come back to you; I have had that in the past when I first lashed out when being emotional, things got too much and posted up on social media. Worst mistake ever made. Still get reminded what I done wether it was aimed at me or not but you know you shouldn’t of done it in the first place.
Wether my blog stories are true or not but you know I write warnings and put by them (Story Based) next to them so you know it is actually a story not real life. Today of all days I’ve been a bit of a reck and not thinking straight at all I’ve stupidly wrote a story based on how I was feeling in a story. However it got too personal due to all the hate, anger, upset and every emotion that I was feeling into the story that made it feel like it was real.
I then started to get good reviews knowing that it was a story but stupidly after realising what I done after I sent it to a friend that I shouldn’t of posted it. I took it down hence why it isn’t up anymore; I’m sorry for anyone who has ready it already, if you have not to worries you haven’t missed much and I know it’s just a story but my actions are stupid if it got out of hand.
Think carefully what you do wether you’re too upset or needing to write it all down somewhere. Do it in a journal not as a blog because you never know who will gain access it by hacking into your system. Just be safe than sorry.
Just remember kindness is free sprinkle that stuff everywhere around you. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Remember your only human at the end of the day. Be positive within yourself than being negative towards yourself.
Give a like if you think I should create a google hangout for you guys and you guys can have a chat with me and we can be a positive arrows all the way. What do you think? Smash that comment button if you think it’s a good idea to do so.
Remember be positive, be motivated and be you. Stay safe everybody. Love you all.
This week from the 14th to 20th May 2018 in the United Kingdom is Mental Health Awareness Week I believe that it was brought in by Heads Together which is formed by Prince William, Prince Harry and Kate. As you guys know that I bring this topic up now and then but most recently this past week or so as I’ve been having a few days by struggling with my own mental health.
I try and talk about it as much as I can but sometimes I don’t want to make my official personal blog all about my mental health because I don’t like talking about it at the best of times and I don’t like to draw attention to myself about it. You guys starting to know or learned that I don’t draw or make everything about myself when I’m writing my blogs. I like to bring positivity, fun and safe environment for everyone who comes and reads my blogs. Yes I may start off saying at the beginning of the week I might be struggling this week; yet you guys understand that to which shows the love, patience and guidance that if I’m having a bad day during the week I’ll try and write a blog or two if I can but if not you know in the next blog before I start I would apologies.
Yesterday morning after I had done my first shift of my job I had the worst morning you could imagine; currently paying the price of a bruise forehead forgot all about it until I started putting make up on this morning and every time I put the make up brush on my head it hurt, that’s when I remembered why it hurts you could say itself harming or not but it’s up too you. I just got frustrated and upset yesterday I didn’t really know what to do.
I still managed to do three blogs for you yesterday amazingly even with that going on; I went a bit of a psycho where my past came back to haunt me to which I took it out on a friend of mine who wasn’t replying to me, which made it 10 times worse at the time and he started on me for accusing him being a lair. He realised after I through back in his face that he accused me with things before when he was down, not trusting me and etc.
He soon realised that I did have a valid point that he chucked a load of untrue things towards me; he knew my past where people lied, hurt me and many other things. My friend soon realised that I was in the most vulnerable place at the time and need him to protect me from my thoughts as I was too tired to fight anymore at the time. Today (17.5.18) I woke up feeling alright but still didn’t have a great night due to not sleeping properly again and all my joints were starting to play up. As you guys know I suffer with joint problems at the best of times; they kept me up most of the night (probably thinking why don’t you take something for the pain) the fact is there is so much you can take to stop the pain. However putting it all to the side I have had done a lot of walking on the first two days this week plus my knees don’t really bend as much as they should do. I think it’s called “Hyper mobility” where certain areas don’t like to bend and become very stiff. I think it’s also part of your brain that’s been cut off by telling you to not bend as much or not at all. I do try and get them to loosen up as the best I can even if it’s going to hurt.
Putting that to aside how I know all that; that is another Daily Stories for another day, this morning I felt like I was getting better after having a good few hours sleep. I could feel the difference between having a complete melt down and everything to a stage where I knew my insecurities and certain things were there before I went into that danger zone like I was yesterday (16.5.18). It was that safe warning that I was coming out of the danger but in the amber section like the traffic like Red – is very dangerous, Amber – you’re okay but not really in the green or the red and then Green – you’re safe and in the good place.
I’m currently in between amber and green right now which is a good thing because I know that I’m getting better by feeling it with inside myself. The evilness of the cursed mental health is being beaten one way or another; that’s also the reason why I chose the queen of spiders in the picture for mental health category because I find that the colours that I chose for the picture is how I feel dark black with grey spiders all that I can see is the colours of that queen’s hair shining so brightly when I’m in the dark place.
I was trying to think of what to do with all of my colour in art pictures as I’m proud of them and wanted to share the pictures with you guys. However I wanted to keep this separate to the art and other projects that I want to do with in the near future; that was when I had an idea of creating another sort blog under a different name, to be able to spread lots more loving and positive things.
The new blog site is called “Life on the open road project” which you can subscribe or follow which is lifeontheopenroadproject.wordpress.com Life on the open road project is where I find that my life is like an open book but on the road as I spend most of my time on the roads these days now due to my job. I like it because it gets me out of the house and explore areas that I haven’t been before but get paid to do it. I’m only explaining a little bit around what I do for a living whilst blogging and writing takes off slowly.
As you can tell that I’ve been starting to use some of my art work on the categories now because I’m impressed how they turned out to be. Also having “Life on the road project” comes to play with us I can share the pictures on each blog post I find that each picture has a story tell as I colour them in. I do them without even thinking about it but yet that’s what life is about an open road that will take you anywhere you want to go.
I’ve written this blog post a few times for a Wednesday everyday post; I had lots of ideas where I was going to talk about my day, talk about mental health and what not. I couldn’t even bring myself to write any of these topics at all because I was so down about myself until it gave me the confidence to think I really like my pictures and I want to share them with the people. How can I share them with people? That was when “Life on the open road project” came to me to say try this out and see where it will take you. You know you’re very own blog is taking off why not create a new side line with things that you love the most.
So here we are guys and girls why not also follow and subscribe to Life on the open road project as well to read a bit more contents that is coming your way. You get the best of both worlds of having more blogs to read.
Late Late Late Stories is where I’m up still not being able to sleep wether it’s something on my mind, just can’t sleep or something that I can’t sleep for any other reason. You may think “oh someone is dreaming about you. That’s why your still awake” . I’ll tell you what if someone is dreaming about me they can well go do one because it’s been two days now that I haven’t had a proper night sleep; second of all it’s day 2 of a sleepless night thanks to ……ANXIETY!
The fact that I don’t understand why someone or some people or anything that makes you worried or anxious just makes you stay up all night knowingly that you’re working the next day as well. You find whoever caused the worries or your worried about something makes you so tired, stressed, emotional strained and etc. I’m actually slowly falling asleep right now as I’m writing this; it’s like more of a comfort for me to write down something that might be happy or something that can send me to sleep not actually be afraid.
Psst psst. Guys I managed to fall asleep for a few hours but it wasn’t long enough sleep until I got rudely awoken by my alarm clock to tell me to get up at least twice but just incase I start to fall asleep again I’ve set my alarm clock for 7:00am which is half an hours time. It’s just that I’ve work to get ready for. So this morning I’m feeling alright just extremely tired, medication taken, bit of food, now on caffeine my type of caffeine is Pepsi Max by the way guys I don’t normally drink it first thing in the morning but when it comes to the kids in your job and half asleep yourself you’re like I’m going to lose this match.
In the end anxiety which turned from being hot and bothered to it the crazy anxiety mode. Do apologies to my closest friend for the episode but am I really sorry NOT! Haha. Have apologies to them now because I know how annoying they are and get make it out my psycho moments of my anxiety bothers them but I do kindly remind them that I have or had to put up with a lot of there’s and don’t complain. As my cousin would say “if they were doing it to me I would off walked away” by the way if your reading this dear cousin off mine. I’m all good now okay don’t need to worry remember the category title “Late Late Late Story”. It’s my thought process okay of what’s one mind is like at the time of having an anxiety.
I woke up this morning thinking this was never the way I planned not even my intention but I got to be brave; as I’m hanging out by the fence of the bike shed with you but I lost my discretion, this is not what I’m not use to but I just want to try it on you and you agreed to let me try.
I kissed a girl and I liked it. The taste of her cherry chapstick still on my lips in my science lesson as I bit my lips thinking about that kiss; I couldn’t believe that I kissed a girl to try it, I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it even though it felt so wrong but it so right and it doesn’t mean I’m in love tonight as I came home from school. Laying on my bed thinking about kissing a girl that day and I liked it.
Your name stayed in my head but it doesn’t matter because your my experimental game. It’s just human nature even though it’s not what good girls do it’s not how they should be behave. Yet my head gets so confused it’s hard to obey our thoughts when we are so magical with soft skin, red lips and so kissable. It’s hard to resist it and resisting the most touchable thing. It’s too good to deny it so why is such a big deal; it’s innocent thing to do of falling in love with someone who’s the same sex as you, just need to get over it as this is now the 22nd century not the 21st anymore and the world is changing.
Primark Haul first one of the year and I’m not sure if I’m going to make this as a part 1 or not but I’m playing safe and not going to for now. Apologies for not having pictures in the hauls it’s a bit hard when it’s on a blog website than doing it on YouTube actually that’s a thought. Might think about for the next time to go inside with these hauls. What do you think let me know in the comments below.
Apologies for a bit of warning but I’m quite self conscious of my sizes in clothes however I’m going to be sharing them with you because I want to and also along side them I will describe what they are as best I can. I also want to share why, how and etc.
I have a sense of style where I manage to feel comfortable in what I wear day in day out without feeling so uncomfortable unconscious about myself not looking my best. I do have my days where I have battles with my insecurities, my figure and my weight of course. People say that “you’re not fat” or sometimes suggest “you need to lose a bit of weight. Especially for you’re mental health” getting told I need to lose a bit of weight doesn’t really help it’s like saying to me that I’m fat and ugly. It’s bad enough that I say that to myself on a bad day more than 20 times a day. Yes I’ve put on weight, yes I need to lose weight, yes I need help and etc but at the end of the day at least I can still pull off good styles with my curves. I don’t have to think about what I’m going to wear or change at least 50 times in space of hour and half (yeah I’m exaggeration a bit there but it feels like it) I even have days like it at the best of times but only once or twice.
However I’m pretty good at knowing what I’m going to wear because it’s same thing day in day out as I try different things and what not. Yeah I forget what’s in my wardrobe and draws at the best of times but at the end of the day it’s my sense of style that I like. It took me a long time to know what it was but then finally since I had started to earn money; looking after myself a bit more, caring what I feel comfortable with, knowing who I am and beating the bad days with a positive ones.
Today (15.5.18) I went into Primark I did have a basket just incase I did find anything that I would like to get because I soon realised that I need new leggings and some tops. I did have to budget but there were loads of nice things in there that I could of got if I had the money. 7 items were enough for me for the day but when I get more money going to splash out on new clothes just to treat myself but also I wear them all year round to be honest. Don’t have set clothing for each seasons who does that? I don’t know but I like to feel comfortable in what I wear and what I like. Yes I have a mind set of what I want to look like when I’m out and feel great about myself than coping other people.
The first two items are sleeveless high neck tops with a part zip at the back. One is like a neutral colour with a few flowers and butterflies placed around in the top. It’s airy and loose so when it’s a nice warm sunny day you’ll have a nice breeze. I would wear the top with leggings rolled up to the knee, a neutral, white or grey cami top underneath either sandals or canvas shoes. The top size that I brought it in is size 18 and cost me £8.00. The reason why I got it in a size 18 because sometimes if I got a size smaller or the next size up than I normally get sometimes I feel uneasy and uncomfortable so I always get a bigger size so I can make sure that I’m okay with it.
Next sleeveless high neck top is the same as the first one with a part zip at the back size 18 flows beautifully the colour of the top is a pastel green with faster colours for the flowers. Again I would wear them with leggings, neutral, white or grey cami top underneath and for footwear I would wear scandals or canvas shoes. The top cost me £8.00
Extreme High Waisted Black Shorts I know black shorts Lizzy. I know but most things go with black to tone it all down. I do have one Denim High Waisted Shorts already but they are size 16 and a bit difficult to get on at the moment and they are in the wash at the moment I think. The black high waisted shorts with ripped look style going on is; I thought whilst my other one is in the wash I can wear this one most of the time and not feel too uncomfortable or anything or feel sick afterwards. They are size 20 because I know my back side is quite big and so is my hips at the end of the day. I have this feeling I might need to get a belt for it not sure yet until I try. They can go with anything on the top to bring the contrast out and the colour. I’m not that brave to have my legs out completely so I’ll stick some leggings on underneath. The price for them was £10.00 I know that was expensive in my opinion but I needed a pair of shorts at the end of the day.
Leggings leggings leggings, I basically live in leggings to be honest I do go through them a lot. I got x 2 Viscose XL Leggings at £2.80 and x2 Capri Legging at £2.50 both size 20 the reason for this is because the ones I’ve currently got keep falling off at the moment it’s either I’m losing weight or getting fatter round the hips and bottom so I’m trying them out. I’m not too bothered if they are too big or not because I can be creative with them and they are very cheap anyway. They go with anything that I wear and sometimes they do go walk about in my house or they are in the wash or I put them somewhere stupid in my room. Plus I prefer leggings to jeans any day of the week. Unless I have to get jeans if it was a last resort but that won’t happen.
The full total of the 7 items came to £36.60 yeah it became expensive but I needed some of them at the end of the day. You probably thinking over the last two days she spent £70; however I do need to point out that for months I haven’t brought anything for myself for a very long time, also they are necessary things for me to get and I was running low on make up also needed to replace things that were starting to become holy.
This is my Primark Haul first one of 2018 let’s hope to have plenty more for the rest of the year. Ding ding ding.
Boom! First part of my Superdrug Haul for May 2018; I’ve started to fill my make up box with make up as I’ve been running out, replacing my make up slowly but steadily however some of the bottles won’t fit but I think I have to work around it and along with the other new things that I need to get soon. So there is going to be Part 2 of Superdrug Haul when I get round to get the rest of the of the make up. However I will share my list that I have left to get and each time I make the next Superdrug Haul I’ll write up what ones I managed to get and see what’s left to get on my list. Now here’s what I’ve got so far before I start making my list for the next Haul list.
I had to try out a new foundation from E.L.F. As Barry M had stopped making my foundation in a cylinder like bottle; so I brought myself foundation natural (sunscreen flawless finish) I didn’t realise that it was the same one that I have been using the past week from my sister to which I’ve now given back. Going to replace it for her on the next round I think that’s if I remember to get it; I then got Face Primer Neutralising Green Tone Adjusting I do have to confess I have nicked some of my sister in a small pot and I don’t think she noticed if she did oops but it’s a good usage, then also brought Poreless Face Primer Clear (yes I did nick some of my sisters) it’s okay my sister won’t even read this but I’m slowly going to replace it. All three were expensive but worth using each one cost £7.50. Hang on let do the maths 3 X £7.50 = £22.50.
The next one is Collection I brought two off the new shade that they brought out which is called “Extra Fair” Lasting Perfection Concealer which cost £4.19 X 2 = £8.38. I use the Collection Concealer fair bit amount ooh just made a pun or a connection with the Concealer. Hehe.
Since I think they stopped making my other B. Micellar not quite sure didn’t really look properly to be honest but I thought try Nivea MicellAir Skin Breathe Make Up Remover which cost me £4.29. I didn’t get myself another Garnier Skin Active because they only had one left but it had a bit of a dent on it so I didn’t want to get until next time I’ll get it when they have more in.
The last think that I brought was Barry M Flawless Brightening Primer purple colour it’s the first time using it; because normally I use a purple primer from Collection, but I want to give this Barry M Flawless Brighting Primer ago. It’s cost me £5.99.
All in all it cost me £34.75 I had saved £9.24 for 10 items by the way I did have two drinks as well. They don’t count do they as beauty haul do they? That’s what I thought no. Thanks.
Now for my next shopping haul in Superdrug that I need is: (will put it in to sections because it’s easier for me and for you guys)
I think there should be more than that but I can’t remember what they are. If there’s things that you want me to try let me know down below because I’m interested and up to trying new things. See you in my next Superdrug Haul.