Everyday Evening Post: (7.6.18) Thursday – “What should I do with my life?”

One of the most important questions that I ask myself “what should I do with my life?” I always find myself pounding about this question every so often even more when I’m in a bad place. I have dreams I have goals. Yet I always come back to the same old question; yes I want to be writer, yes I want to go traveling, yes I want to drive and so forth.

The fact that I always believe and give hope to other people. I am quite straight forward person who seems to come across very direct and confidant when I have something on my mind I would say it. Trust me it does get me into trouble but not that bothered at the end of the day.

I’m not that confident or self believe in myself or take a chance to do something that I actually want to do with my life. I’m currently in a bit of a limbo in what I want to do with my life at the moment; I love what I’m doing at the moment, I just want to see what I want to do who knows maybe this might take off one day.

I’m just not getting my hopes up at the moment but that’s because I’m being realistic but I’m going to keep on writing and writing my little thumbs can type to it’s heart can content. Not sure if that makes sense but you guys know what I mean. However I like to remain positive as much as I can; share the positive with you guys, promote the “Life On The Open Road Project” as a positive category as you can see with the new pictures it has the titles promoting it.

I want to take you on my open road how I can continue to be positive, creative, achieving things and many more things throughout blogging. I want to help get you guys motivated no matter how much you struggle with things; I know how it feels struggling with confidence, self esteem, mental health issues and many other issues that I face.

I think I might actually just answered my own question on that fact I don’t know what I do with my life. I want to share with you something that I created a video of my favourite youtubers that help get through my darkest times recently. I share the think down below you can copy and share with friends and family.

YouTube Link by clicking on them

Motivation Team Trailer

The Motivation Team full works

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Everyday Online Diary Entries: (7.6.18) Thursday – The moment when you day is long!

The moment when you find that your day is long as your on stand by for work; you’re like well am I needed or am I not that’s when your part half organised and not organised because you never know if you have to rush out or not, hour passes or so no phone call comes through and your like looking at you’re phone and it reads 7:30am. If you’re like me just gets back into bed for awhile and go back to sleep because you’re still tired and you didn’t get much sleep the night before.

You then wake up about an hour and half later look at your phone once again. Reads 9:00am. You’re like my god it feels much more later than that today is going to be a long one of nothing to do if I’m not working this afternoon. I know I know some its luxury of not having anything to do; we all know I like to keep myself busy time to time before it’s that time of my head starts to kick in, start overthinking and what not.

Believe me I was like that yesterday (6.6.18) I rang work and my boss answered; he was like “sorry not today but we will have something tomorrow afternoon and Friday for you”, I’m like “great” in my head but fortunately I managed to get hold of my friend as she was on her lunch break to say I could meet her after she finished work. I’m starting to go mad and my head is starting to go the other way I need to get out of the house.

Mind you my feet wasn’t so bad yesterday only slightly hurting to be honest. I’m one of those people who like to keep busy at the best of times; don’t get me wrong I love blogging, it gets me back into writing again properly and that I can focus more on it than I was. I have noticed you guys have started to read my everyday online entries again. Hang on you guys like them if I remember rightly you were interested in them before. It was either this one or the challenges one can’t remember now; self doubting myself now guys which one was it that you guys got addicted to let me know down in the comments, told you I’m losing the plot now guys.

Just realised that the picture for this diary entry summons up the day I had yesterday where it’s been long one; it’s like I’m sitting on the moon waiting for the sun to officially set in the sky, so that the moon can come out to play and the night falls the summer air changes to the smell of fresh damp air like it’s going to rain. I like this time of year when you don’t need to look on the weather news to find out if it’s going to rain or not. I only know this because of years of experience camping you notice if it has or not or going to rain by the smell of warmth and cold mixing together.

Everyday Topics: (6.6.18) Wednesday – Ariana Grande suffers from PTSD

“No tears left to cry” Ariana Grande is awesome person, beautiful person and amazing person who can take on anything no matter what life throws at her. So heavily grounded not letting fame get to her head; taking on trolls, haters and many more things. Down to her mothers support, guidance and love. Now like every other person who witnessed, become a victim and many more. Ariana has another thing to face.

Ariana has now has to face Mental Health Issues of PSTD I can understand that she can’t talk about it because it was her show that it happened to; she lost so many fans that day, she had lots of fans became victims of traumatic injuries and feels like it’s all her fault when it isn’t.

Ariana is allowed to feel the same thing as everyone else; she was also effect too because she had amazing time putting all the things into the concert to give her fans the show that they wanted, and someone decides to ruin their Birthday, Christmas present and many more things. A night out watching their idol waiting for a year or so until that night in Manchester turned to a nightmare.

Ariana is 24 years old young singer rose to fame in 2008 throughout acting and singing owning herself a household name from being a childstar with a young strong minded young girl. Not letting her fame get to her head; she helped people to escape from the concert with her mum, she came back after a few months put on the concert in memory of the injured, victims who where there and victims who had lost their lives on the day of the attack.

No matter how much she had to struggle with but she’s loyal to her fans; sharing her feelings, trying to talk about what happened but can’t because she will end up crying and most importantly she is a fan of her fans as they are a fan of hers. She showing them that “it’s okay we are in this together. We are strong. We are one. One love is all we need” she gives so much positive throughout her songs and being a normal human being. She doesn’t use her fame or her fortune to help her to get onto the platform making her big headed. She gets down on hands and knees work with her fans.

That’s what I love about Ariana she’s so grounded and turns every negative into a positive; speaks her mind if she needs to, defend anyone if she needs to and most importantly being her true self. She has a strong mind and she will have PTSD for the rest of her life become anxious every time she goes on stages to perform but with the support of her fans, security and musicians. Most importantly her family and friends close by to get her through it all; she can show the world that no matter how little or how big something might be that can trigger off her mental health she will find away to deal with it. She won’t let her define her and her show to her fans that it’s okay to take baby steps to face your fears. It’s going to be a long recovery for her and her fans.

Few of her videos in memory

Meeting some of her fans

School Choir in memory

Ariana Grande Live One Love Concert – One Last Time

Ariana Grande – No tears left to cry

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (6.6.18) Wednesday – Story of My Life – Story Based

Story of my life when I’m kept in the dark about things but I wish you could be with me now; as I can’t sleep without you next to me so I have to go to the river to pray because I need something that can wash out the pain, and the memories that are flashing in my minds eye that I don’t want to see. I keep sleeping with you’re ghost the ghost of you laying next to me to keep these demons away from me. 

My friend have figured you out they saw what’s inside of you because there’s wasn’t anything for you to hide; there was no evil coming through from you all they could see was your kindness, loving, patient and protection coming through. Everytime you were near I could feel these eyes sitting on the wall watching every move that I make; even with the bright light of the sun they are there in the shade but your loving heart makes my spirit have hope that I can do this, knowing that I’m not a lone in this. 

I had to go through hell on my own to be able to prove that I’m not insane because I had met the devils name and now I’m starting to know his name. I then find your burning love coming through holding your hand out whilst everything was burning out by the water. 

Sitting here with you as we stare at these written walls are the stories that I can’t explain what they all mean because I just leave my heart open for days but my thoughts stay there on these walls for days. The morning that I have something to show you and I took you to this room with all of my stories of my past covering all over the walls and ceilings. 

You knew that I love you to the bones and knew I struggled to open up but now you finally got to see and read what was happening in my head. You didn’t realise how much I was dying inside of me; these words that are written on the walls will be on my grave stone because that’s how much I hated about myself, no matter how many times I’ve been to hell you know I’m gone there when I’m in a bad dark place. I just want the ground to open beneath me so wide that I can get away from this life; in away I’m holding on too tight to you from falling into the hole that has nothing in between. 

This is the story of my life battling with mental health; I just want you to take me home even if you drive all night to keep me warm because I’m frozen in time, I wish this wasn’t the story of my life but it is and you give me hope, love, patience until I’m no more broke inside. 

The words that are written on these walls are in colour I can’t change them because I don’t know how to but they are attacking my heart that’s widely open in its cage. I know in the morning as I can see the light creeping up over the hill as I lay on the floor with you and your arms wrapping around me protecting me. Although I am broken without you I think I would of been gone tonight; the fire that was beneath my feet was burning so bright, the way that I was holding you and you were holding onto me so tight like there was nothing can become between us. I’ve been waiting for this time to come around but I didn’t know how to explain myself I felt like I was chasing something. 

The things that I’ve seen, the things that I’ve heard, the things that I’ve experienced with. The is the story of my life battling with mental health. 

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (5.6.18) Tuesday – When everything hurts!

Tuesday lovely Tuesday. Still cloudy with no sun but it’s still humid and warm yet still no rain or thunderstorms to clear the air. Would be quite nice to have some sort of warmth with blue skies and the sun being out to be honest with you. This blog is generally a down time blog; one of those chit chat blogs to be honest with you because lots have gone on to which I might talk about, I might not talk about them as we all know I don’t particularly want my whole life story on social media.

You probably thinking what does she mean “when everything hurts!” Let me explain since I was a kid I was prone to sprain my ankles and wrists; doctors couldn’t see anything that was wrong at the time, however I never really got it checked out properly since because they couldn’t find anything so I just got on with it and strap them up myself.

Hitting my late teens my knees had started to go and I was like great more things to sort out. I do go over my shoes a fair amount; I always had problems with shoes and my feet to be honest don’t know why, I think that’s why I prefer no shoes to be honest if only I can just go out walking around barefoot it would be amazing. Within the last year it or so my feet have decided to become painful where it’s too much to walk on or put weight on them no matter what I do.

I’ve been trying to in recent days or months to not go over in my shoes to see if I can correct my walking ability but obviously it comes with a price at the end of the day. I went out for a bit earlier didn’t realise how much it hurts just walking on them I came back home to find a blister on in between my toes and swollen feet. Pretty much wonder why I hate shoes to be honest and my feet.

Fancy that it was all cloudy and humid this morning by late afternoon it becomes hot, sunny and nice with hardly any clouds in the sky. I thought I’ll get out for a bit just for my mental health; I have a habit of joking about with my mental health done it twice now on two different people now, once I was working with a driver who I get on with and I told her that she’s nuts. She told me that means your nuts too and replied “yeah and I’m on medication for it” she cracked up laughing because it was true and it wasn’t what she meant on which I knew and we both just burst out laughing.

Someone said to me “are you mentally nuts” being me as well I come out with “that’s why I’m on medication” haha. I like to be control my mental health and make a joke about it because it helps me deal with it a bit more along with having ago at it when I’m just about to have a serious moment. It’s only recently I’ve started to have ago at it because I’m fed up with it now; so when my anxiety starts to kick in I turn around and say “Anxiety you piece of sh**”. Makes me feel a whole lot better because when I’m in not good frame of mind I put myself down so now I turn the tables and put it down…..

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (4.6.18) Monday – How do you cope when people letting you down?

It’s that time again Monday everyone is going back to school, work and etc; shops can finally relax once more for the next month and half until the 6 weeks holidays, I know my sister will be astatic about it for awhile.

Now the question is that you guys want to know is how do you cope when people letting you down? Over the years I’ve been let down so many times I tend to get use to it; I try not to get my hopes up as much as I should in fear of what might happen until it happens, I toughing myself up quite easily because I know I don’t want to get hurt as much.

Yes it hurts. Yes I want to lash out on people especially people who let me down badly. I have done in the past because I didn’t know how to cope with it at the time. Now and then I do lash out on people who don’t turn up; I’ve done it a few times this week but I tend control it afterwards because I know I start turning it onto myself with me, I know I start to go into the horrible cycle and start blaming myself for it all thinking it’s my fault also that something is wrong with me.

I know that it isn’t my fault or anything but who can I blame or blow of my steam at? It’s like when I was meant to go away and it never happened I did lose it a bit but what could I do as I wasn’t getting any response at the time. I knew I was going to wind myself up even more.

I have a respect for my parents even though they hate seeing their children get hurt; I tend not to tell them until the last minute or close near the time, so I know that it’s actually happened because I know how upset my parents can get. I knew this weekend would happen because I could feel that something was wrong; I did lose it a bit, and at the end of the day I just threw myself into writing the blogs. As much as I could because it was the only thing that I knew how to do it other than going shopping spending money to which is very bad for me and my depression.

I tend to fight it and not think about it as much as I could; I know one of my parents would go on about it because they want what’s best, and makes them sad even close to tears. I did remind them that I try not to think about it put things into place that I know what’s good for me that can distract myself; I know how much they want to talk about it, I didn’t want to talk about it as I struggle to open up about these types of things.

However I did go out to the town with one of my parents and I didn’t buy anything which is good for me but I did secretly put a few things in the basket from Poundland which one of my parents got me. I needed them so there’s no Poundland Haul I’m afraid. I literally just thrown myself into things like would help me get through the day not to think about things.

I brought ice lollies for my parents, my sister and myself as it was hot, I wanted to say “I’m okay”, I watched YouTube videos, left over Chinese take away I had left over, blogging and watching Paddington 2. I literally just wanted to get through the pain barrier because I didn’t want let it the negativity control my mind.

The best thing to cope of people who let you down; you need to remember is not your fault, there’s nothing wrong with you because it’s not and it’s the person who let you down and not explaining themselves of what actually happened.

Remember ‘be you, be yourself, love yourself, don’t let negativity people bring you downs and most importantly don’t let your own negative mind control you”

Hustle and Bustle Advice of Blogging: Life on the open road project online diary entries

You may seem recently that I’ve been writing life on the open road project online diary entries over the weekend; the reason that I’ve started this sort of blog project I wanted to create a positive vibe, and positive vibe out there for everyone who suffer any mental health issues, confidence issues and many other things.

I can tell you that in my blog notebook for ideas I have quotes inside them the journal book that I have is called “Angel Journal book”. Brought it in the Works Store in my hometown pretty awesome notebook throughout the book it has quotes that are very positive.

I’m going to keep this one short and sweet this week because I’ve got a page up and running at the top of my blog website called “Life on the open road project” for you all to check out with all of the information that you need. Watch this space you beautiful people because your worth it.

Lifeontheopenroadproject Online Diary Entries: (3.6.18) Sunday – Tiny trickle down

Did you feel a tiny raindrops trickle down from and land upon your cheek when there is no rain in sight, and wonder where it came from the day is sunny and bright?

Did you ever hear someone clearly call out your name, and when you turned to look there’s not a familiar face anywhere around and wonder it came from, when the voice was there without an ounce of doubt?

The answer is quite simple, angels are everywhere watching over you and me. Though at times we don’t feel a presence at our side; angels are always there morning, noon and night in the most mysterious of ways looking after us with much love forever and always.

Haul 2018: Superdrug Haul – Part 2

Today is a mini Superdrug Haul for you guys for the bank holiday and I want to share with you what’s in my Superdrug bag but also what I got off my list from the last time. It’s only a few items but when I say a few items it was more like 5 items but cost a lot but most of it was for my sister. Yes I’ve gone and done it. I paid her back with make up that I used.

I’m kicking my Superdrug Haul with my sisters little haul that I gave her from Elf Foundation light ivory/sunscreen at £7.50, Elf Pours prime at £7.50 and Elf BC Primer at £7.50 all in all her little lot came to £22.50. Expensive for me to pay her back but I needed to and she did find out in the end that I did use her other two weren’t impressed when I confessed. All good now that I’ve paid her back with a load of makeup.

The next I’m going to talk about is Live Instant colour – Real Red hair dye due to the fact that my hair actually needs doing now as my natural colours is coming through and also I think I’ve got more grey hairs coming through now. Hopefully soon I get to redoing it especially before I go away. Pow red hair man all the way haha. Got two boxes for £4.49 each total £8.89.

Finally got my Garnier Skin Active Micellar Cleansing Water at £5.29 which will last me for months because having a big bottle like that will never run out until the next time. At least I don’t have to worry about the one is going to be running out soon about 2 weeks time I reckon.

I can now get rid of my old eyeshadow pallet as now I’ve got a new one. The new eyeshadow is Revolution Pro Supreme Eyeshadow Captive at £6.00 to which has the basic eyeshadows that I use such as my natural colours are my favourite and me than bright colours that some people seem to be wearing but it’s not me and I’m not that brave.

Remember be you, be yourself, you are beautiful whatever size or shape you are because you are worth it and don’t let people who are negative towards you put you down or don’t let your negativity thoughts put you down either. You are beautiful for who you are.