Everyday Online Diary Entries: (20.6.18) Wednesday – Shut…you’re mouth

Right now I’m in a state of mind of where I want to be like all the time as I’ve got no tears left to cry. I’m picking myself up once again picking myself up because I know I’m loving, living and picking up the pieces once again. Picking it up picking it up, I’m living so I’m turning up a notch yeah I’m turning it up. 

Guess what I have no more tears in my body to cry over how petty you are about saying lies about me; saying to people that I’ve upset you when you don’t even tell me what I did wrong, I’m not waisting my time with you because I’m not like anyone else who has to become so clicky and what not. 

I ran out oh boy I like it, I like it where people tell me information that aren’t true because someone else lying and making me out as a bully. I know full well like I’m not I say how it is but that’s if people need to know what’s on my mind. Doesn’t matter how, what, where or who even tries it. We all know that I’m the one who will win because I’m not that bothered about what other people think of me or anything. I’m just doing my job in and out yes I may of walked straight into the job and be confident in what I’m doing but at the end of the day I’ve got more experience of how to deal with it all than you may think. 

You can’t even get me down even when it’s raining because it can’t stop now as I’m dancing in the rain like I’m dancing on your grave. So you need to shut your mouth. If you don’t want to cause a scene or don’t want to talk to me just shut your mouth because one day I might have a really bad day and tell you how it is even I’m struggling with my mental health. You know how it is if you get the wrong side of me there’s no going back. 

You may see me as a threat but I’m just being me doing my job as I believe in the children as much as you do but I have different attitude and I’m young enough to be their big sister. Just give it up already. As I’ve felt people like you who seem to be everyone’s favourite and think I’ve taken over the show. Honestly I just make people laugh, enjoy being with and most importantly I am who I am. 

I also calling out my mental health to shut your mouth because you’re not nice either I know I’m going to win this fight because I am strong. I am only human after all so don’t rain on me. As I’m the one fighting with you letting you know that I’m not going to be pushed around by you no more…

I am only human after all. I am only human after all so don’t rain on me. 

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Everyday Online Diary Entries: (16.6.18) Saturday – Not the best start of the weekend

I literally not had a best start of the weekend this morning yet here I am picking myself up as per normal where I just spent the whole morning crying. You guys know me by now when my mental health issues kicks in I start to struggle a bit but I’m not the one who is after sympathy or anything but thank you if you do much appreciated. 

I generally push through it all now because I need to control my mind as much as I can. That’s all the whole point of me starting up Life On The Open Road Project for young people, teens and children because at the end of the day you have to fight through it or let it define you. 

Today of all days for me I just basically slept the whole day done nothing other than forced myself to have a shower to see if I would be alright but didn’t so today was the first time I didn’t even bothered to do my hair and make up like I have been doing everyday. I literally just washed my hair and blow dried it gone rather curly and frizzy.

Obviously got dressed got even more annoyed when my own parents didn’t answer their phones and moan at us for not answering our phones. I literally drugged myself up with medication, paracetamol and hayfever meds the correct ones! To be able to breathe properly actually fell asleep for a good few hours to waking up to no one in the house but I think they went out for a pond window shopping I think it was. Weren’t really a wake to know what was happening but something telling me it’s something to do with a pond might turned into a cat look as well not sure.

Dreamed about two youtubers because I had them in the back ground at the time when I was sleeping. Then had a very late lunch veggie quarter pounder spicy to try out nearly had all four of them but put the half eaten one in the fridge because I couldn’t eat anymore. However I’ve learnt over recent the years spicy actually helps clear your air ways a lot more and also helps your insides too. Just saying trying not to be gross at all. 

Obviously when I have colds or really bad hayfever now I know what to do. Get some spicy things and have them to clear my airwaves then panic that my ear drums are going to burst like they did about 5 years ago. Decided to take my trampoline well me and my siblings trampoline at the time we were all in the same house; however it’s been over a year when my parents said that they were going to take it down, yet it was my sister who didn’t want it to go but my parents want a bit more garden. 

Instead of the trampoline we are replacing it with a pond as it will be nice to have something more peaceful and etc. At the end of the garden have a bit of a wild life at the end of the garden and gaining access to the fruit we have at the end of the garden. Might even be nice for my own mental health at the end of the day by sitting  down the end of the garden doing bits and pieces. 

Life On The Open Road Project – Paradise – (16.6.18) Saturday

My love I need to explain to you when I’m with you I’m in paradise but my mind; oh yes my mind what can I say without you, my mind it rides off in the other direction when I have my moments and it rides on the negative because I’m left outside alone. You know when I’m with you in the storm in the paradise doesn’t last forever because on the paradise roads I will ride on down the road on my stag keeping me safe until we find you. 

I will find you, I will hold onto you and I’ll be there. I know you heard it from the other boys that I wasn’t coming back but that’s not true it’s all in your head. You know I’m real because this time I feel like this paradise can’t keep us away from each other because it keeps you awake as it’s running through your bloody veins in your human body. You know that my love is heading your way find your stag because you’re love is heading your way. 

My love I need to explain to you when I’m with you I’m in paradise but your mind; oh yes your mind what can you say, you’re nothing without me, your mind it rides off in the other direction when you have your moments and it rides on the negative because you’re left outside alone. You know when I’m with you in the storm in the paradise doesn’t last forever because on the paradise roads you will ride on down the road on your stag keeping you safe until we find me. 

My time. My time. My t-t-time will never end the helter skelter because we will be out whatever the weather. You open your cabin door to find your stag waiting for you to get back onto that open road; mmm my mind hopes you will follow the stag to where we should meet, my heart, my heart and my boom boom heart beats and thumping against my chest. Knowing that I’m alive. I’m alive a lot more now as you start to follow the stag. 

You stop. Why oh why did you stop? Oh my, oh my. The stag tried to push you on a bit further into this paradise to go and find me. You start stroking the stag feeling the love in your bloody veins knowing that stag is right. Don’t need to blame anyone anymore. You know that the paradise of our love is there. Roll on. Roll on. Meet me there. Hold on. Hold on. You are strong. You are strong. My, my, my your strong….

Star Light Categories: (15.6.18) Friday – Friday Time Recap Time – Paradise

My love I need to explain to you when I’m with you I’m in paradise but my mind; oh yes my mind what can I say without you, my mind it rides off in the other direction when I have my moments and it rides on the negative because I’m left outside alone. You know when I’m with you in the storm in the paradise doesn’t last forever because on the paradise roads I will ride on down the road on my stag keeping me safe until we find you.

I will find you, I will hold onto you and I’ll be there. I know you heard it from the other boys that I wasn’t coming back but that’s not true it’s all in your head. You know I’m real because this time I feel like this paradise can’t keep us away from each other because it keeps you awake as it’s running through your bloody veins in your human body. You know that my love is heading your way find your stag because you’re love is heading your way.

My love I need to explain to you when I’m with you I’m in paradise but your mind; oh yes your mind what can you say, you’re nothing without me, your mind it rides off in the other direction when you have your moments and it rides on the negative because you’re left outside alone. You know when I’m with you in the storm in the paradise doesn’t last forever because on the paradise roads you will ride on down the road on your stag keeping you safe until we find me.

My time. My time. My t-t-time will never end the helter skelter because we will be out whatever the weather. You open your cabin door to find your stag waiting for you to get back onto that open road; mmm my mind hopes you will follow the stag to where we should meet, my heart, my heart and my boom boom heart beats and thumping against my chest. Knowing that I’m alive. I’m alive a lot more now as you start to follow the stag.

You stop. Why oh why did you stop? Oh my, oh my. The stag tried to push you on a bit further into this paradise to go and find me. You start stroking the stag feeling the love in your bloody veins knowing that stag is right. Don’t need to blame anyone anymore. You know that the paradise of our love is there. Roll on. Roll on. Meet me there. Hold on. Hold on. You are strong. You are strong. My, my, my your strong….

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (2.6.18) Saturday – Don’t lie to people! You will get caught out.

Have you been lied to? Or have you lied to people? Please don’t because at the end of the day you’re the ones who be caught out by the people that you love or lead them on when you know how vulnerable they are to start with or much more than that. Lying isn’t the best way to say I haven’t done this or I haven’t done that or anything like that.

The amount of times I’ve been lying too in the past about things I have pretty much have a gut instinct where something isn’t right; that’s when I soon realise that I’ve been lied to, I’ve always had that gut instinct before I’ve even been lied too and I always find away to make them break or crack because people don’t understand I have this thing where I have this motion sensor if you like to call it. That’s probably why I’m quite good at telling how it is and toughen myself up because I know darn well something isn’t right.

Trust me I even done it on one of my brothers girlfriends in the past my god I was right all along but I remained silent for along time as the events unfolded. I just acted like I cared and liked her for the sake of my brother. You may say it’s a sibling thing but I’m pretty much like to most people.

I’m pretty much prone to standing up to people in away I think they need to hear the truth and what not. You maybe surprise for someone who has mental health can be in control of things when battling something like that. The fact is I’ve toughened myself up a lot over the years and I try not let myself get to that state of mind if I can. Also I’m pretty good at playing the quiet but innocent card which makes people think I’m just quiet and that’s who I am; yet people who really know me, I mean really know me they know there’s me screaming in my head and want to say something to whoever it is.

I’m pretty much saying be on you’re guard at the best of times. Don’t lie to people. Always dig into the things that might not be true or not because at the end of the day yes your going to get hurt. At least you protected yourself as much as you can in the long run; I’m only saying this because this week I just caught someone lying to me, and I gave them evidence that they’ve actually received it and been lying to me making it out it’s stuck at x and that they have to pay for it and what not.

What a load of b****** trust me you know what I did with the information. I sent it to the person who lied to me and asked the explanation and sent it to a friend of mine who was helping me out with looking for information. Along with sending it to someone else to say look if you actually listened to me something wasn’t right about this you wouldn’t of being so paranoid in the first place and blaming me for it all. I know that they hate it when I tell the truth and looking into it all that doesn’t make sense. They were like “oh don’t you trust me” “oh forget it leave it there”. The fact that I you lost my trust ages ago and never made up for it; secondly I know perfectly well I’m the one who will get to the bottom of it all, then you know why I find it hard to trust people when they lie to me about things. Just don’t lie!

Remember “be you, be yourself, love yourself, don’t let negative people get you down and most importantly don’t get your own negative mind get you down.”