Everyday Online Diary Entries: (7.6.18) Thursday – The moment when you day is long!

The moment when you find that your day is long as your on stand by for work; you’re like well am I needed or am I not that’s when your part half organised and not organised because you never know if you have to rush out or not, hour passes or so no phone call comes through and your like looking at you’re phone and it reads 7:30am. If you’re like me just gets back into bed for awhile and go back to sleep because you’re still tired and you didn’t get much sleep the night before.

You then wake up about an hour and half later look at your phone once again. Reads 9:00am. You’re like my god it feels much more later than that today is going to be a long one of nothing to do if I’m not working this afternoon. I know I know some its luxury of not having anything to do; we all know I like to keep myself busy time to time before it’s that time of my head starts to kick in, start overthinking and what not.

Believe me I was like that yesterday (6.6.18) I rang work and my boss answered; he was like “sorry not today but we will have something tomorrow afternoon and Friday for you”, I’m like “great” in my head but fortunately I managed to get hold of my friend as she was on her lunch break to say I could meet her after she finished work. I’m starting to go mad and my head is starting to go the other way I need to get out of the house.

Mind you my feet wasn’t so bad yesterday only slightly hurting to be honest. I’m one of those people who like to keep busy at the best of times; don’t get me wrong I love blogging, it gets me back into writing again properly and that I can focus more on it than I was. I have noticed you guys have started to read my everyday online entries again. Hang on you guys like them if I remember rightly you were interested in them before. It was either this one or the challenges one can’t remember now; self doubting myself now guys which one was it that you guys got addicted to let me know down in the comments, told you I’m losing the plot now guys.

Just realised that the picture for this diary entry summons up the day I had yesterday where it’s been long one; it’s like I’m sitting on the moon waiting for the sun to officially set in the sky, so that the moon can come out to play and the night falls the summer air changes to the smell of fresh damp air like it’s going to rain. I like this time of year when you don’t need to look on the weather news to find out if it’s going to rain or not. I only know this because of years of experience camping you notice if it has or not or going to rain by the smell of warmth and cold mixing together.

Advertisements

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (6.6.18) Wednesday – Story of My Life – Story Based

Story of my life when I’m kept in the dark about things but I wish you could be with me now; as I can’t sleep without you next to me so I have to go to the river to pray because I need something that can wash out the pain, and the memories that are flashing in my minds eye that I don’t want to see. I keep sleeping with you’re ghost the ghost of you laying next to me to keep these demons away from me. 

My friend have figured you out they saw what’s inside of you because there’s wasn’t anything for you to hide; there was no evil coming through from you all they could see was your kindness, loving, patient and protection coming through. Everytime you were near I could feel these eyes sitting on the wall watching every move that I make; even with the bright light of the sun they are there in the shade but your loving heart makes my spirit have hope that I can do this, knowing that I’m not a lone in this. 

I had to go through hell on my own to be able to prove that I’m not insane because I had met the devils name and now I’m starting to know his name. I then find your burning love coming through holding your hand out whilst everything was burning out by the water. 

Sitting here with you as we stare at these written walls are the stories that I can’t explain what they all mean because I just leave my heart open for days but my thoughts stay there on these walls for days. The morning that I have something to show you and I took you to this room with all of my stories of my past covering all over the walls and ceilings. 

You knew that I love you to the bones and knew I struggled to open up but now you finally got to see and read what was happening in my head. You didn’t realise how much I was dying inside of me; these words that are written on the walls will be on my grave stone because that’s how much I hated about myself, no matter how many times I’ve been to hell you know I’m gone there when I’m in a bad dark place. I just want the ground to open beneath me so wide that I can get away from this life; in away I’m holding on too tight to you from falling into the hole that has nothing in between. 

This is the story of my life battling with mental health; I just want you to take me home even if you drive all night to keep me warm because I’m frozen in time, I wish this wasn’t the story of my life but it is and you give me hope, love, patience until I’m no more broke inside. 

The words that are written on these walls are in colour I can’t change them because I don’t know how to but they are attacking my heart that’s widely open in its cage. I know in the morning as I can see the light creeping up over the hill as I lay on the floor with you and your arms wrapping around me protecting me. Although I am broken without you I think I would of been gone tonight; the fire that was beneath my feet was burning so bright, the way that I was holding you and you were holding onto me so tight like there was nothing can become between us. I’ve been waiting for this time to come around but I didn’t know how to explain myself I felt like I was chasing something. 

The things that I’ve seen, the things that I’ve heard, the things that I’ve experienced with. The is the story of my life battling with mental health. 

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (5.6.18) Tuesday – When everything hurts!

Tuesday lovely Tuesday. Still cloudy with no sun but it’s still humid and warm yet still no rain or thunderstorms to clear the air. Would be quite nice to have some sort of warmth with blue skies and the sun being out to be honest with you. This blog is generally a down time blog; one of those chit chat blogs to be honest with you because lots have gone on to which I might talk about, I might not talk about them as we all know I don’t particularly want my whole life story on social media.

You probably thinking what does she mean “when everything hurts!” Let me explain since I was a kid I was prone to sprain my ankles and wrists; doctors couldn’t see anything that was wrong at the time, however I never really got it checked out properly since because they couldn’t find anything so I just got on with it and strap them up myself.

Hitting my late teens my knees had started to go and I was like great more things to sort out. I do go over my shoes a fair amount; I always had problems with shoes and my feet to be honest don’t know why, I think that’s why I prefer no shoes to be honest if only I can just go out walking around barefoot it would be amazing. Within the last year it or so my feet have decided to become painful where it’s too much to walk on or put weight on them no matter what I do.

I’ve been trying to in recent days or months to not go over in my shoes to see if I can correct my walking ability but obviously it comes with a price at the end of the day. I went out for a bit earlier didn’t realise how much it hurts just walking on them I came back home to find a blister on in between my toes and swollen feet. Pretty much wonder why I hate shoes to be honest and my feet.

Fancy that it was all cloudy and humid this morning by late afternoon it becomes hot, sunny and nice with hardly any clouds in the sky. I thought I’ll get out for a bit just for my mental health; I have a habit of joking about with my mental health done it twice now on two different people now, once I was working with a driver who I get on with and I told her that she’s nuts. She told me that means your nuts too and replied “yeah and I’m on medication for it” she cracked up laughing because it was true and it wasn’t what she meant on which I knew and we both just burst out laughing.

Someone said to me “are you mentally nuts” being me as well I come out with “that’s why I’m on medication” haha. I like to be control my mental health and make a joke about it because it helps me deal with it a bit more along with having ago at it when I’m just about to have a serious moment. It’s only recently I’ve started to have ago at it because I’m fed up with it now; so when my anxiety starts to kick in I turn around and say “Anxiety you piece of sh**”. Makes me feel a whole lot better because when I’m in not good frame of mind I put myself down so now I turn the tables and put it down…..

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (4.6.18) Monday – How do you cope when people letting you down?

It’s that time again Monday everyone is going back to school, work and etc; shops can finally relax once more for the next month and half until the 6 weeks holidays, I know my sister will be astatic about it for awhile.

Now the question is that you guys want to know is how do you cope when people letting you down? Over the years I’ve been let down so many times I tend to get use to it; I try not to get my hopes up as much as I should in fear of what might happen until it happens, I toughing myself up quite easily because I know I don’t want to get hurt as much.

Yes it hurts. Yes I want to lash out on people especially people who let me down badly. I have done in the past because I didn’t know how to cope with it at the time. Now and then I do lash out on people who don’t turn up; I’ve done it a few times this week but I tend control it afterwards because I know I start turning it onto myself with me, I know I start to go into the horrible cycle and start blaming myself for it all thinking it’s my fault also that something is wrong with me.

I know that it isn’t my fault or anything but who can I blame or blow of my steam at? It’s like when I was meant to go away and it never happened I did lose it a bit but what could I do as I wasn’t getting any response at the time. I knew I was going to wind myself up even more.

I have a respect for my parents even though they hate seeing their children get hurt; I tend not to tell them until the last minute or close near the time, so I know that it’s actually happened because I know how upset my parents can get. I knew this weekend would happen because I could feel that something was wrong; I did lose it a bit, and at the end of the day I just threw myself into writing the blogs. As much as I could because it was the only thing that I knew how to do it other than going shopping spending money to which is very bad for me and my depression.

I tend to fight it and not think about it as much as I could; I know one of my parents would go on about it because they want what’s best, and makes them sad even close to tears. I did remind them that I try not to think about it put things into place that I know what’s good for me that can distract myself; I know how much they want to talk about it, I didn’t want to talk about it as I struggle to open up about these types of things.

However I did go out to the town with one of my parents and I didn’t buy anything which is good for me but I did secretly put a few things in the basket from Poundland which one of my parents got me. I needed them so there’s no Poundland Haul I’m afraid. I literally just thrown myself into things like would help me get through the day not to think about things.

I brought ice lollies for my parents, my sister and myself as it was hot, I wanted to say “I’m okay”, I watched YouTube videos, left over Chinese take away I had left over, blogging and watching Paddington 2. I literally just wanted to get through the pain barrier because I didn’t want let it the negativity control my mind.

The best thing to cope of people who let you down; you need to remember is not your fault, there’s nothing wrong with you because it’s not and it’s the person who let you down and not explaining themselves of what actually happened.

Remember ‘be you, be yourself, love yourself, don’t let negativity people bring you downs and most importantly don’t let your own negative mind control you”

Everyday Online Dairy Entries: (3.6.18) Sunday – People standing you up or work forgets that your going away.

This week just gone I was off for the week from my job I pretty much I hate holidays now because this happens. Last weekend I arranged to meet up with someone on a Tuesday saying that they will meet up and everything; all off the sudden when Tuesday came no response what so ever, no time that was organised or anything and they haven’t even given me the reason why they didn’t messaged me for not turning up.

However then you have people telling you how much they hate you and everything because you can’t help them out with anything and they know perfectly well you don’t have money or something sort. Then they apologise that they were being paranoid and so on; however it gives you no excuse to continue taking it out on someone that they love, trust me when I’m in one I don’t have them that often people know they are in trouble because they’ve upset me and in for it.

Now you want to know what happened to my long weekend away. To be honest with you I don’t even know myself been told it was work forgetting that they booked time off and really needed them. To be quite honest with you how can you forget someone who is going away? Hopefully they will let have the evening off (3.5.18) and have Monday to Tuesday off so that they can have the rest of the holiday that they booked if not they will refund the money that we spent on the hotel. This is their job I’m talking about.

I just hate when I try to get hold of people then they either responded later on or don’t respond at all and make an excuse one way or another. It’s not like I have trust issues or anything or be let down by loads of people all the time. You probably asking how do I cope with it all. I’ll explain it all for another day.

Remember ‘be you, be yourself, love yourself, don’t let negativity of people get to you or let your own negative control your mind’

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (2.6.18) Saturday – Don’t lie to people! You will get caught out.

Have you been lied to? Or have you lied to people? Please don’t because at the end of the day you’re the ones who be caught out by the people that you love or lead them on when you know how vulnerable they are to start with or much more than that. Lying isn’t the best way to say I haven’t done this or I haven’t done that or anything like that.

The amount of times I’ve been lying too in the past about things I have pretty much have a gut instinct where something isn’t right; that’s when I soon realise that I’ve been lied to, I’ve always had that gut instinct before I’ve even been lied too and I always find away to make them break or crack because people don’t understand I have this thing where I have this motion sensor if you like to call it. That’s probably why I’m quite good at telling how it is and toughen myself up because I know darn well something isn’t right.

Trust me I even done it on one of my brothers girlfriends in the past my god I was right all along but I remained silent for along time as the events unfolded. I just acted like I cared and liked her for the sake of my brother. You may say it’s a sibling thing but I’m pretty much like to most people.

I’m pretty much prone to standing up to people in away I think they need to hear the truth and what not. You maybe surprise for someone who has mental health can be in control of things when battling something like that. The fact is I’ve toughened myself up a lot over the years and I try not let myself get to that state of mind if I can. Also I’m pretty good at playing the quiet but innocent card which makes people think I’m just quiet and that’s who I am; yet people who really know me, I mean really know me they know there’s me screaming in my head and want to say something to whoever it is.

I’m pretty much saying be on you’re guard at the best of times. Don’t lie to people. Always dig into the things that might not be true or not because at the end of the day yes your going to get hurt. At least you protected yourself as much as you can in the long run; I’m only saying this because this week I just caught someone lying to me, and I gave them evidence that they’ve actually received it and been lying to me making it out it’s stuck at x and that they have to pay for it and what not.

What a load of b****** trust me you know what I did with the information. I sent it to the person who lied to me and asked the explanation and sent it to a friend of mine who was helping me out with looking for information. Along with sending it to someone else to say look if you actually listened to me something wasn’t right about this you wouldn’t of being so paranoid in the first place and blaming me for it all. I know that they hate it when I tell the truth and looking into it all that doesn’t make sense. They were like “oh don’t you trust me” “oh forget it leave it there”. The fact that I you lost my trust ages ago and never made up for it; secondly I know perfectly well I’m the one who will get to the bottom of it all, then you know why I find it hard to trust people when they lie to me about things. Just don’t lie!

Remember “be you, be yourself, love yourself, don’t let negative people get you down and most importantly don’t get your own negative mind get you down.”

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (1.6.18) Friday – Prep for going away but….

Friday has finally arrived I’ve been wishing my week away to get to my mini holiday come sooner; now my anxiety has started to kick in where I don’t want to go, the ifs and the buts the questions of what if it doesn’t happen or what will happen when I get there. I know I’m being stupid and all that. I know I’m being anxious but I can’t help the fact that things might not turn out the way I hoped and what not.

I’ve planned what I want to take and what not just need to put it in my suitcase but I’m stalling time because I know I’ll be freaking out soon enough. I’ve brought a few things that I might need with me which I need to pack. Do need to wash my make up brushes before tomorrow because they do need to be cleaned.

I know I find being at home a bit hard and want to escape but being away from home is another thought. I know I’ll be fine I’m one of those people who just get on with it and do it. As my sister always says to me and her self “you (me) stop being so brave and me (her) be brave” love her pep talk to herself I know that she knows I’m one of those people who just gets on with it and push myself.

The one thing I won’t miss when I do go away is the annoying dogs who are like making my house like a ping pong match. I’m probably over thinking this with the whole it’s not going to happen business it’s just that I can’t get hold of my friend whom I’m going away with. I’m probably over thinking things and they have been busy all day with work all that.

I fell asleep for about two hours or so. I was pretty tired and anxious I just hope that they get into contact soon they know how anxious I get about these things where we arrange something either they come up with an excuse or something. I don’t know probably all in me head as it normally is. I still haven’t heard anything arrrhh hate when people don’t reply even though they know that they need to arrange a time and what not. I knew this would happen they better get into contact soon because I’m not going to pack any further until I hear something from them. Think positive Lizzy think positive.

Everyday Online Diary Entries: Storm Thursday (31.5.18)

Storm is once back again today for the end of May 2018 for the United Kingdom (31.5.18) today has been pretty much a long day for me to be honest I hate long days when I haven’t done much to be honest. However at 4:35am this morning it was completely foggy couldn’t see any of the small trees as I was looking out of my window that sat in my next door neighbours gardens; all I could see was this huge tree sitting in the car park of a restaurant that literally sits not to far from the end of my garden, just looming over everything like it was just outside my window even though it’s like in the next road. It always reminds me off the muppet character called “Sweetums” the big hair guy. Over the years I barely even noticed the resemblance of it all but at least 3-4 years the more I paid attention to it the more I actually could see it in the dark and the fog.

Later on in the day whilst things had started to brew over time; my autistic cousin messaged me to remind my mum his aunt to get the washing in as it’s about to rain/raining, so I had to move from the nice and warm comfort of my once messy floor room to go outside to tell her and the fact that he was sweet enough to message me to go and tell her was one thing. Even if it was joint effort with his mum telling him about it and get me to go and tell my mum. Then telling me about something important that was happening in like two months time and asking me what time would I be there and etc I was like I haven’t even thought about it as it’s ages away like another month. We have a special connection me and my cousin.

To be honest I’ve just spent at least half an hour just cleaning apart of my floor and hoovered it; from the door to my bed and visa bed to the door. It really needed doing to be honest with you not too bad but due to my tight muscle in my lower back I couldn’t spend too much time like bending up and down for long period of time. People say it’s because of my weight. However I know exactly what it is and what caused it. Just the job that I’ve been doing for the past 7 years doing the wrong sort of moving handling even though I’ve been trained but still do it wrong all well. Another thing I have to worry about along with the ligaments and the sprains and everything else. I think I’m just generally falling apart and I’m only **** years haha.

The fact we all know I get quite sassy when it comes to certain things you definitely will know that I will say as it is and be sassy after being down for so long. If you don’t…you do now because my friends always point it out to me when I do it to them and I don’t realise I’m doing it until they say. Just come to realise that I’ve just written a whole blog for you guys without thinking much about it and it’s not gibberish. That’s another thing that you guys may find about me when I do a very long blogs you know I’m on top form along with a few scheduled ones in the mean time as well.

I have planned some bits with this diary entry in my plotting journal book which to be honest is quite handy for me as I do watch a fair bit amount of youtube recently and my iPad is the only thing that I can actually watch things on it. So it gives me that effort, the push to say “hey you need to get back into writing in journals again get off the iPad and watch something. Whilst you do that write ideas down in your journal book.” So I have started writing back into one of the journals that I have and I’ve found two positive books that I started I think it was sometime last year I think it was. I kept on loosing one or the other; I think I might actually use one for Life on the open road project and one just general positive book, so I can start writing Life on the open road project blogs for you all in a diary form.

Chinese food tonight yum and saved off for lunch tomorrow now. All and all today been alright. Just be you, love yourself, don’t let peoples negativity harm and don’t let your own negativity thoughts control over you.

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (30.5.18) Wednesday – Finding yourself again.

Life on the open road is like a blanket journal that has no ending to it as you fill the pages up when you go along. I guess it’s like that when your first born to the world that you make what you are over the years of growing up. Looking back I guess I was outgoing at somethings like saying what I mean and be quite a lot straight forward where I don’t like something. Along side with being rather softy but fair at the same time.

Since the rain has arrived yesterday (29.5.18) I’ve been a bit struggling the worst bit is it’s the holidays for the week and it’s like I could do something but it’s either I can’t or I can’t be bothered. That’s when I start to think about things that I know I shouldn’t be thinking. I do however put my make up on and do my hair everyday so that I can feel slightly good about myself in so many ways.

Yeah I don’t sleep that well most nights recently it’s become a lot worse minus last night (29.5.18) it’s not because I sleep through the day it’s generally because my head can’t shut up talking. I should be currently finishing tidying me room; well see the floor at least so that I can walk across it properly, I want to do it but I just can’t be bothered and so on.

Happily writing blogs and watching YouTube videos at the moment yeah I’m struggling again with my blogs but at the end of the day it’s something worth while and for me it’s like a safe haven for me because I can put my emotions and thoughts down. Weather it’s a story, Life on the open road project, (to which I need to write a page on it might nick a few bits from here) and many others.

The fact that I’ve been trying to find myself a bit more by sorting out some of the things that have been dragging me down the past year or so; yet still got a long way to go to be fully complete at the end of the day small steps in recovery is good enough for me, and good enough for you guys too……

Friday Online Diary Entries: Being a blogger one massive thing you shouldn’t do!

No matter what you do in your blogs weather you post them or you don’t post them either they are too personal or not. You have the actions that might come back to you; I have had that in the past when I first lashed out when being emotional, things got too much and posted up on social media. Worst mistake ever made. Still get reminded what I done wether it was aimed at me or not but you know you shouldn’t of done it in the first place.

Wether my blog stories are true or not but you know I write warnings and put by them (Story Based) next to them so you know it is actually a story not real life. Today of all days I’ve been a bit of a reck and not thinking straight at all I’ve stupidly wrote a story based on how I was feeling in a story. However it got too personal due to all the hate, anger, upset and every emotion that I was feeling into the story that made it feel like it was real.

I then started to get good reviews knowing that it was a story but stupidly after realising what I done after I sent it to a friend that I shouldn’t of posted it. I took it down hence why it isn’t up anymore; I’m sorry for anyone who has ready it already, if you have not to worries you haven’t missed much and I know it’s just a story but my actions are stupid if it got out of hand.

Think carefully what you do wether you’re too upset or needing to write it all down somewhere. Do it in a journal not as a blog because you never know who will gain access it by hacking into your system. Just be safe than sorry.

Just remember kindness is free sprinkle that stuff everywhere around you. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Remember your only human at the end of the day. Be positive within yourself than being negative towards yourself.

Give a like if you think I should create a google hangout for you guys and you guys can have a chat with me and we can be a positive arrows all the way. What do you think? Smash that comment button if you think it’s a good idea to do so.

Remember be positive, be motivated and be you. Stay safe everybody. Love you all.