Everyday Online Diary Entries: (20.6.18) Wednesday – Shut…you’re mouth

Right now I’m in a state of mind of where I want to be like all the time as I’ve got no tears left to cry. I’m picking myself up once again picking myself up because I know I’m loving, living and picking up the pieces once again. Picking it up picking it up, I’m living so I’m turning up a notch yeah I’m turning it up. 

Guess what I have no more tears in my body to cry over how petty you are about saying lies about me; saying to people that I’ve upset you when you don’t even tell me what I did wrong, I’m not waisting my time with you because I’m not like anyone else who has to become so clicky and what not. 

I ran out oh boy I like it, I like it where people tell me information that aren’t true because someone else lying and making me out as a bully. I know full well like I’m not I say how it is but that’s if people need to know what’s on my mind. Doesn’t matter how, what, where or who even tries it. We all know that I’m the one who will win because I’m not that bothered about what other people think of me or anything. I’m just doing my job in and out yes I may of walked straight into the job and be confident in what I’m doing but at the end of the day I’ve got more experience of how to deal with it all than you may think. 

You can’t even get me down even when it’s raining because it can’t stop now as I’m dancing in the rain like I’m dancing on your grave. So you need to shut your mouth. If you don’t want to cause a scene or don’t want to talk to me just shut your mouth because one day I might have a really bad day and tell you how it is even I’m struggling with my mental health. You know how it is if you get the wrong side of me there’s no going back. 

You may see me as a threat but I’m just being me doing my job as I believe in the children as much as you do but I have different attitude and I’m young enough to be their big sister. Just give it up already. As I’ve felt people like you who seem to be everyone’s favourite and think I’ve taken over the show. Honestly I just make people laugh, enjoy being with and most importantly I am who I am. 

I also calling out my mental health to shut your mouth because you’re not nice either I know I’m going to win this fight because I am strong. I am only human after all so don’t rain on me. As I’m the one fighting with you letting you know that I’m not going to be pushed around by you no more…

I am only human after all. I am only human after all so don’t rain on me. 

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Everyday Online Diary Entries: (19.6.18) Tuesday Online Diary Entries – Prepping Family Members Of medical needs

I’ve decided to continue fighting this mental health no matter how hard it is at the moment and not wanting to do anything but sleep. However the one thing that it’s currently trying to make not wanting to do anything is blogging and writing; no matter how hard it is at the moment for me, I’m taking it each day as it comes and will be back to my normal strength with the help of your guidance and your stags to help me get through this week. 

I will probably talk about it one day but right now isn’t the time to talk about it as it’s fresh and recent. I’ve decided to do some prep work for my family after what’s happened recently so that they know what I’m taking, what’s what and etc. I’ve started to do the whole set up with a grandparent of mine because few weeks ago I had to sort their medication out as there was so many medications and not enough of one. I decided to sort them out for one of my parents and one of my aunts so they know what’s what into boxes and then labelling them and so on. 

Whilst I was doing my medication list, emergency meds box for one of my parents to use incase of emergency and what not. I decided to do the same with one of my grandparents meds so that they know what they have got what’s been on hold and what’s etc. Also made notes page so that they can write down to let each other know what’s going on, what’s needed and etc. To be able to record what’s happening. 

I’ve done exactly the same for my parents and have a back up plan for one of my aunts so if I can’t get hold of my parents or anyone else they can contact them. Straight away if there was anything that would happen to me for any reason or another. It’s all safety reasons for myself and my grandparent at the time if something goes wrong or they miss read something or something happens they will know what to look up on the sheets provided. That I’ve been provided with the information that they need at the time because sometimes it all gets confusing and what has been done and what hasn’t been done. 

I like to be organised in that sense but I didn’t really think about doing it for myself until recent events accord. So I did the same thing but my parents have my emergency meds if I need them I have the rest as I’m capable to have the ones I’ve got. Unless things change again then obviously then revise the situation but for now for me it’s the suitable situation for me to do that for the time being. 

Remember you are beautiful, your awesome, your amazing and every positive thing that I could think off right now. Remember you are not alone. You have got people that care about you, love you and most importantly to help you. I am a sucker for not asking help but when I do oh boy admitting it is hard enough but accepting that you do it’s like “okay I thought I could handle it on my own but I can’t” that’s where you need to ask for help. 

Love you all and your beautiful stags. 

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (16.6.18) Saturday – Not the best start of the weekend

I literally not had a best start of the weekend this morning yet here I am picking myself up as per normal where I just spent the whole morning crying. You guys know me by now when my mental health issues kicks in I start to struggle a bit but I’m not the one who is after sympathy or anything but thank you if you do much appreciated. 

I generally push through it all now because I need to control my mind as much as I can. That’s all the whole point of me starting up Life On The Open Road Project for young people, teens and children because at the end of the day you have to fight through it or let it define you. 

Today of all days for me I just basically slept the whole day done nothing other than forced myself to have a shower to see if I would be alright but didn’t so today was the first time I didn’t even bothered to do my hair and make up like I have been doing everyday. I literally just washed my hair and blow dried it gone rather curly and frizzy.

Obviously got dressed got even more annoyed when my own parents didn’t answer their phones and moan at us for not answering our phones. I literally drugged myself up with medication, paracetamol and hayfever meds the correct ones! To be able to breathe properly actually fell asleep for a good few hours to waking up to no one in the house but I think they went out for a pond window shopping I think it was. Weren’t really a wake to know what was happening but something telling me it’s something to do with a pond might turned into a cat look as well not sure.

Dreamed about two youtubers because I had them in the back ground at the time when I was sleeping. Then had a very late lunch veggie quarter pounder spicy to try out nearly had all four of them but put the half eaten one in the fridge because I couldn’t eat anymore. However I’ve learnt over recent the years spicy actually helps clear your air ways a lot more and also helps your insides too. Just saying trying not to be gross at all. 

Obviously when I have colds or really bad hayfever now I know what to do. Get some spicy things and have them to clear my airwaves then panic that my ear drums are going to burst like they did about 5 years ago. Decided to take my trampoline well me and my siblings trampoline at the time we were all in the same house; however it’s been over a year when my parents said that they were going to take it down, yet it was my sister who didn’t want it to go but my parents want a bit more garden. 

Instead of the trampoline we are replacing it with a pond as it will be nice to have something more peaceful and etc. At the end of the garden have a bit of a wild life at the end of the garden and gaining access to the fruit we have at the end of the garden. Might even be nice for my own mental health at the end of the day by sitting  down the end of the garden doing bits and pieces. 

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (15.6.18) Friday – Half empty dishwasher put it on or wait until dinner finishes?

I don’t even know if I want to laugh, cry or laugh and cry at the same time. People either have logic or they don’t because who puts on the dishwasher that is half full and waist a bloody dishwasher tablet. Who does that? I nearly bloom cried over that because there was plenty of space for the evening meal to put in it. I then nearly flipping cried over medium plates like you use for toast and etc; they wouldn’t fit in the flipping cupboard, I’m like dishwasher, plates, dishwasher, plates AAAHHHHHH! Half full dishwasher and full cupboard with plates why now!

I wouldn’t be in this position if a) people have common sense of it’s half full why not leave it until later and the plates look pretty full where they go b) stop blinking buying plates we don’t need anymore blinking plates for love of god. I never ever wanted to cry of people’s stupidity of something so simple as this. Half empty dishwasher let’s wait until dinner as we have space for that and there will be space for the plates when some of the plates have come out of the cupboard in the morning. That’s my logic to it all. One of my massive pet hates you can ever ask for in my life.

So whilst I’m working in the morning I get bombarded with messages from let’s say people (friends) but people sounds a whole lot better in this case. I literally was like I’m not responding they know I’m working and doing double shift to earn more money and knowing that I don’t finish at 10:30am. The whole headache hayfever, anxiety and stress was getting to me because of them; can you do this? Can you do that? I’m like I’M AT WORK!

By the time I got home I was quite glad I didn’t have a black out and stuff because it was getting to the stage where I could feel something was coming and I had to eat something then sleep. I literally ignored my phone the whole time because I couldn’t barely look at my phone or need anymore stress. However someone else panicked because they thought something was wrong as I hadn’t messaged them or freaked out on them like I normally do for about 7 hours straight in which it wasn’t like me to them.

So I told them why and they were like don’t do anymore double shifts again; I was like how else am I meant to pay things if I don’t have much money, they went quiet that’s when they knew I was right about something and you could worry about me as much as you like but you tell me to do one thing and then change your mind and do the other but you can’t have both.

I’m just glad that it’s Friday and people can go and do one if they need something from me because I’ve literally had enough of it all to be frankly because I’m doing everything that I can and to survive in this world. I’m going to keep pushing myself until I have a bad moment and then start the whole cycle once again. That’s how I do things.

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (14.6.18) Thursday: when Dr Pepper decides to gives you a second bath of the night

You may off laughed at this blog title today because it actually did happen last night (13.6.18) I literally wasn’t out of the bath long about to take my medication not even sure why I decided to take it with fizzy. I think I was too lazy to even think about going down stairs or just realised that I have a bottle of water in my Sainsbury bag; why didn’t I even use that? my god I must of been so tired last might even thinking straight.

So I didn’t think much of it. Don’t even remember why or how it was when I picked it up; it was just there at the start and it was in my hand, I was then taking my medication and that was about it. Well after it all fizzed up and went everywhere I normally like go “oh my god, oh my god. It’s everywhere.” Nope no, no not at all not even the slightest of a reaction of what just happened other than fizzing all over the place.

I was literally like well “it’s now all over me, my bed, my phone” I really wasn’t bothered that it was all over my phone last night or my bed. I just picked up the baby wipes and just wiped off the wetness on my phone and the wetness on my bed. You guys would be screaming at me saying “it went all over your phone why aren’t you not that bothered about your phone.” I would of done if I was actually awake enough to know what I was doing and what not. However I wasn’t. I literally just shrugged it off like no body knows like “s***t happens” what you going to do about it.

Now you’re probably thinking how can you be so tired and still be straight forward especially towards yourself. Quite easy I’m quite hard on myself when I’m tired like I am now; you don’t realise how much you realise your tired when something so simple like that to happen when your actually awake and on the ball, you work yourself up to the point of being annoyed with yourself and then when you’re tired your like well clearly someone needs to go to bed before anything else happens. Trust me I literally had a mind blank off forgetting that one child stayed after school club and one went home with one of their parents.

I literally forgot what that I just seen one leave with their parent and one was staying behind even though I knew my mind went blank. I was having a Lizzy – Lou moment there….that’s basically about if really other than trying to be quiet but trying not to laugh but someone I was with didn’t like loud noises but things that they did made you think so they know or do they not that they are being very humorous. The fact that I made the connections to what they were doing they saw me trying not to laugh but they laughed as well which made me laugh even more.

Everyone should be happy because being down and in the dumps all the time and not keeping busy is not on. I know I have my moments but I just push myself to keep busy and be happy whatever the weather is. Unless it’s raining it can definitely go and do one. Being happy is the key in life.

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (13.6.18) Wednesday – Just remembered Mr Fan!

The moment when you want to sleep but the heat in your sauna like bedroom keeps you up; you have you’re window open so that you can have a cool room but your feet get cold and keeps you up, doesn’t matter if you couldn’t sleep or not anyway at the time and all the sudden you message your friend realising something after 3 months without it. Even with the heat being horrible at the best of times what do you remember what your parents brought you last year for your room.

That’s right. A freaking FAN! Yes Lizzy-Lou has done it again having a really bad short term memory lost about something to keep the room cool. That’s right that’s what happened to me on Monday night (11.6.18) leaving me a good few hours sleep; especially when you know you have a double shift one after each other the next day, you weren’t in the best sparks during the day and being tired from not sleeping the night before.

I don’t know if anyone seen a clip of girl and the caption goes something like “when you haven’t had enough sleep and every little thing starts to p**** you off” that was me yesterday and Tuesday (12.6.18) I was literally dead to the world of not caring what people think of me right now. Literally like I had no soul or cared about anything. I was literally that tired and fallen asleep like no body knows.

The fact that I just managed to cover today and yesterday’s blogs in space off the three days I was pretty impressed. I think I managed to sneak in another one today before the Wednesday Evening Post at 8. That’s right that’s coming back this week with a new picture, under a new category and many more new things coming throughout the next few months.

I am so humble that you guys have been coming back for more each day. You are a life saver. Thank you for all the support and giving me the best views ever. I hope you guys can support Life On The Open Road Project once that gets under way. Lots of ideas I want to do for it so let’s get this on the road soon enough shall we. See you in the next blog guys.

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (12.6.18) Tuesday – I might of rambled

I might of rambled but in a rant for the Wednesday Evening Post at 8 blog post; I do apologise in the advance for that, I was hurt, upset and annoyed that people think it’s okay to spread lies and etc. I just don’t actually understand why people do that to be honest.

Maybe people think that I’m threatening them or over confident because I know things but at the end of the day; I know how to do my job, know how to deal with things that go wrong, I don’t just sit there be all clicky clicky with people and talk about weight watchers and all that.

I’ve sat all the way through that with people but I just don’t see any difference or anything to be honest unless you’re one of those people’s who actually stick to the healthy living style and work out. That’s when you begin to notice the whole change in people; it’s all about the willingness of doing something for yourself, and no one else because its like saying if you don’t do for yourself do it for me. That’s not how it all works because I know for the fact that I never do something I want to improve on about myself for someone else; if I actually want to do something that I want to do, I do it for me, myself and I.

I have that work ethic that I’m hard on myself to continue to improve myself in so many ways so that I know I can succeed in life no matter how long it takes. Yes it gets me down; yes it takes me longer than anyone else, yes I get there in the end but at the end of the day once it achieved and it gets there I for one know I’m proud of what I have achieved.

Since leaving school I had a choice of not continuing to improve my spelling, my reading and what not but the love of writing that I had for it. It gave me the confidence in myself to actually continue to improve myself in so many levels that I chose not to give up. I chose not to let my learning disability or my hearing impairment define me for who I am; I could of applied and still can if I wanted to for a disability, but I was brought up the fact that my parents wanting me to have a choice and see how I do in life. If it wasn’t for them in who I am today of not giving up or letting the things that I know can hold me back.

Yeah I have my moments in thinking I’m not good at something or I’m not good at this. I even had this conversation about my writing with someone yesterday (11.6.18) they were like you got to keep trying. I know that they are trying to help me build my confidence up, keep me going and what not because they know how much my confidence drops.

They even know my dream goal is and I know I’ve got a long way to go but I know I’ve got a load of doubts in my head that I think it’s not going to work. However it’s only the early stages of making it happen. I always believe that no matter what happens it’s okay you can start again.

I literally use my grandparents toughness on myself; tell people how it is, and everything because it’s my coping mechanisms. Trust me I’m the worst person to keep everything in until all of the sudden I just snap and take it out on someone who might be the last one to send me over the edge. Yesterday I had one of those bad days one lead to another and I just literally took it out on someone even though they didn’t know what my day was like until I explained.

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (11.6.18) Monday: Dementia Commentary

Alzheimers Society   This blog is in aid of Alzheimers Society Charity if you like to donate please click the link above. I am going to tell you my story of someone I know living with Alzheimers.

My name is Lizzy and I have a grandparent living with Alzheimers. It’s been 5 years now that we’ve been dealing with my grandparent’s Alzheimers but the best thing is we tend to go along with it whatever mood that they are in. At times it is hard when they have their bad day it’s not that often thank goodness. I normally get roped into helping once in awhile because sometimes it gets to hard for some of my family who are their carers. I tend to have them for a few hours or so to which I don’t mind because I’m use to looking after people during the week. 

Sometimes I have to put my foot down if they don’t listen to any other of members of the family if they have a wobble. They listen to me more than anyone else because “I’m such a good girl” in their eyes that’s because I go and see them. Let them do what they want; if they jog their own memory of what they use to do which is great, sometimes I don’t bother get them to do anything but if they can do it themselves they can even with a reassurance that they should do something. 

One of the funniest things I get from my grandparent is that she can tell when I’m being cheeky because I do the whole cheeky grin; sometimes doesn’t know when I’m joking but that was only once that happened, however we do have our little sassy contest where I try to either get them to do something or they are right on it and they know. 

Yesterday (10.6.18) I had them round for dinner at my parents house being my grandparents they get excited to see me because it me I think but the one who has the Alzheimers does this cute little Whinnie the Pooh wave. After a while I sat with them letting them be if they want to talk they can I wasn’t going to pressure them plus they can’t hear that well anyway. 

It was time for dinner I said to my grandparent it was time for dinner and they were like “how do you know?” I replied “one of my parents just shouted at my siblings (for dinner)” the other grandparent laughed and the other one said “oh right”. So we managed to settle down and what not I helped them out on putting food on their plate. As I sat down next to them I did say to them that they can start but they translated it differently and said something but I’m not going to repeat what they said on here. I then repeated myself again what I actually said and they were like “oh that’s what you said…I was about to say how I am going to do that” 

After awhile they were quiet and I knew that they weren’t hearing properly so I knew it was going to be a long one. Then after the pudding a student and his girlfriend came back across the road; then my grandparent asked about the old car or something like that, one of my parents tried to explain it to them but they didn’t understand what they were talking about and so I had to explain it to them. 

The funniest thing was as soon as they understood what they were talking about they started to do the commentary of what the two students/love birds were doing to the car and then commented about the cat. Then went on about “oh I can’t get on with cats or dogs. Even monkeys in fact I don’t think I can get on with a zoo” we all like where the heck did the monkey and zoo come from? We all laughed it was a typical grandparent moment. They continued to do the commentary of what was happening outside for a bit longer. It was like they hadn’t seen the outside world before. 

As a family as a whole we generally go along with whatever they say because at the end of the day it keeps us amused and we know that we can’t do anything about it along with they can’t help it either. We mostly just laugh at the situation that’s happening at the time because we know there’s nothing we can do. 

All I’m asking is click the link up above on this blog page click on it read a bit more about the disease and click donate. It will help someone like my grandparent to have a bit more care; catch the next disease in time for someone else, and most importantly more research about the disease. Thank you.

 

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Everyday Online Diary Entries: (10.6.18) Sunday – I’m sorry but I’m actually not sorry for who I am

All the things that you want will be taken away from you soon enough because all of the things that you’ve been doing to me knowing that you’re in my place; keep on smiling and waving whilst you can because the payback is one bad bitch, as I’m one baddest person who plays by the rules and respects the true women in this world.

I may look like I’m taking revenge on you but feeling like a 10 is the best ever feeling that I have ever been. I know how bad it must feel when it hurts that the one you thought you loved doesn’t love you but loves someone else; yet to see me and him being happy like this making him feel at ease, now that you’re looking at me like you regretted this and ain’t too proud to bet to be my friend but the chance you will never have or get. I know how bad it must hurt you to see me like this but it gets worse when the payback hurts for being so pushy to get what you want.

You shouldn’t mess with the best British person you ever come across because you can’t have this life or the person you want. However it’s nice of me to take it off your hands as I’m the true princess of this country and his world. I’m sorry but I’m actually not sorry for being who I am; in this life I never achieved in things that I wanted however seeing you looking so bad makes me feeling so good, and showing up like I knew that I would inspired me to know that the tables have turned. As I’ve never wanted this in the first place but to be with the one that I love I would do anything for them just to be with them; whatever you touch now will burn because you will lose everything that you have, as I’m the one he wants.

Fitness doesn’t matter to me but telling me how I feel and take a chill. I rather you just drop dead because no one actually likes you; yeah I know you thought you were the bigger person with better things, yet I’m the one that has the grass greener under me with a halo above my head. If you brighten up your colour you can see that you can’t have this anymore as we walk and talk; you come to realise that I’ve just shown you out of my life and his for good.

I’m sorry but I’m not actually sorry for who I am anymore you can walk out of my life for good.

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (9.6.18) Saturday Online Diary Entries – Life changing things to over come mental health and confidence issues

You guys may know that I suffer from mental health issues and confidence issues to which sometimes shows or come across on my blogs at the best of times. I do have my bad days with mental health and confidence issues at the best of times sometimes it can go on for weeks or a month or so.

I for one hate the whole idea of letting it define me in so many ways to the point of letting it control me and not seeing any possible way out. However the past 2 weeks I’ve been slightly struggling that was down to people who let me down when they said they would meet me and go away. That got me down because there was something wrong me; I then decided to take control of my mind before it got any worse than it could off done to which I could gone off at the two people because they let me down, and punish myself by making myself believe that it’s something wrong with me and putting myself down.

You guys probably thinking you wouldn’t be able to change your negativity pattern and still continue to put yourself down and that your not strong enough. You are strong and you can change your negativity pattern. How I changed my mind pattern is by getting myself out of the house; meeting up with a close friend of mine, having close people who I could trust and most importantly I had my blog and writing to rescue me.

I put all of my effort into writing my blogs and talking to my close friends so that I know that if I need to talk about anything I can talk to my friends who I can trust. It also gives me the confidence to be able to achieve things in so many little ways; like for example my blogs because this week I’ve been focusing on writing, then putting them up to share with people to read them. Yeah at the best of times I should be proud of what I achieved but the fact that I kind of not. I know I’m just writing for me and no one else in mind. Yet it’s great that people read them and continually reading them along side finding my other blogs that I have done in the past because it shows that I’ve hit the right sort of market of what people want to read.

I do find since making Life On The Open Road Project people/readers have become more interested in reading more of my blogs; I just believe that everyone who suffers from mental health issues, confidence issues and etc that they can do things if they put their mind to it. I for one with the recent happenings I chose to take control of my mind where I let it become it’s my fault to begin with. Then I take control of it say “no this is not my fault” it’s there lost at the end of the day; they have an issue knowing how much I have trust issues, and people let me down because they knew what they want but lying through their teeth just let me hear what I actually want to hear.

The fact that I’ve been let down in the past and had lots of trust issues to this date. I learned to push past the whole letting down because I know how much it hurts; I trained my mind not to even think about it as much, what will I gain in life if I let it continue to define me and not be able to trust anyone.

All you have to do is “be you, be yourself, love yourself, don’t let negativity people bring you down and most of all don’t let your own negativity mind bring you down” I do have a logo for Life On The Open Road Project but it’s in the making so I’ll bring out next weeks Hustle and Bustle Advice of Blogging.

You can win this by training your mind and you are strong.