Monday Online Diary Entries: Fight for this love

Wether you believe this or not it’s up to you. I write stories for Online Diary Entries for the day sharing my emotions and etc on how I feel that day. I know the truth behind each one.

Terry I would never stop loving you even if you continue to think of the worse of me; when I know you to well but with the words that you say know isn’t true, too much of it can make you sick even when you’ve been good and the anxiety can be the curse. Just watching you going down this hard road knowing that I’m loosing you to the anxiety. Knowing too much can hurt you and I but is it better for worse? Or are we just sitting in reverse like we’re gong backwards? I know where we going but this idea driving fast can we slow down because I don’t want to crash again.

Just want to let you know that your not alone in this thing; there’s always a place in me that you can call home, whenever you feel like we’re growing apart we can just go back to the start. Anythig that’s worth having. Is more enough worth fighting for quitting is out of the question even when times get tough we got to fight for some more. I just want to fight for this love.

Now that everyday isn’t going to be no picnic. Love isn’t going to be a walk in park like we use to. All you can do is what we have the best for now. Don’t be afraid of the dark. Just keep fighting for me, like I’m fighting for you. I’m always going to love you and I know that you don’t mean those words.

You know I’m always helping you out no matter what in my own little way. I’ve never left your side for a second. Your the one that pushed me away not me. I’ve always been there taking the horrible words and everything else because I know it’s not you. Don’t loose me entirely don’t make rash decisions that you know that you’ll regret. Remember that I always love you.

#throwbackthrusday Online Diary Entries: Swish Swish

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Wether if you believe this or not it’s your opinion but I know the truth. I like to share my emotions in my stories and my online diary entries stories.
They are led on to think that this woman is the one that can win the nation; but do they know what this woman is a fake she hasn’t won the nation at all, they are just strut about their well known is settling down but not with the right girl. They are only out to see him and that’s why I love Caspian so much because he knows who really loves. So what the fuck?
A tiger who doesn’t lose sleep and don’t need opinions from selfish and self centred people. So don’t bother coming for me because you know I can get you banned and arrested if you ever came near me. The fact that you don’t know me but I got you clocked you because you’re such a joker of leading people on no one actually likes you. You can kiss my wedding ring when me and Caspian get married believe it or not I’m sticking around for more than a minute get use to it.
Here comes the broom in the ballroom making that swish swish bish another dance with me and Caspian in the spot light; you can’t touch this because your game is so tiring and you should retire because an old coupon has expired and the karma doesn’t lie. I don’t keep receipts but my accountant does. They soon realise that your the fake one day; haven’t won the hearts of the nations like his brother and his wife, so get over the competition for the lime light and get out of the way. It’s not all about you at all because no one seems to care about you what so ever.

Day 8 Christmas Log Blog: Surviving the Boxing Day Sales? Just don’t go!

 

I never understood why people have to go shopping on Boxing Day for Sales when you just had Christmas what’s so important in getting things straight after. Just wait for a few days that’s what I would do; but then again I grew up in what I think is normal spend few days not actually doing anything at all, not going out other than for walks or going to see family and what not.

Then the second week we start going to into my hometown and we look around. I find that the two weeks of Christmas and New Year is the only time that I don’t actually spend anything because I have Christmas and birthday just a week after from each other. Whenever Boxing Day falls my birthday will land on the same day a week later and always lands on a Bank Holiday as well. So I’ve never actually had to go to school on my birthday or work on my birthday either managed to get those off. Bad Luck Card Factory failed to realise that one for two years of working for you that I managed to get that day off for two years when I wasn’t meant too.

Haha always like to kick back on a crappy company anyway. Like is worked two Boxing Days for the two years there and nothing really happened as it was really quiet; I didn’t understand why the shops were open because it’s not like it was busy or anything, no one was rushing to get cards or anything and I always felt sorry for the people who had to come in and work when they couldn’t spend a few more days with their families. This country is well and truly messed up.

Conservatives are Zionists

The brief summary of the meaning of Zionists is “The term “Zionism” was coined in 1890 by Nathan Birnbaum. Its general definition means the national movement for the return of the Jewish people to their homeland and the resumption of Jewish sovereignty in the Land of Israel.” From the website of http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/a-definition-of-zionism  

Grenfell Tower events of last month reports have come out with an outrage of the Islamic State claims that Grenfell Tower Victims were ‘murdered by Zions’ who had been funded by the Conservatives Party. Not sure this is true but the outburst comment is now being investigated by the police; just to cover all bases incase it is true, along with the whole terror attacks and every other complications that may occur at any time. 

A director of the Islamic Human Rights Commission (IHRC); has exploited the tragedy during the anti-islam demonstration, after the fire using it as an excuse in the wrong way. In my opinion it’s wrong to involve something like Grenfell Tower to their stride; trying to hold something against the UK, this is will happen more than once I can guarantee you that the isis will claim that they told him to say that or something along the lines of that. 

The outburst of the comment is now being investigated by the police; The Metropolitan Police took the allegations of that comment during a protest of the Grenfell Tower, all it in my opinion is seeking attention and want a war. My understanding of it as I researched more into this outburst of the crisis; is that back in June 2007, the leader at time of Conservatives Party was David Cameron called himself “Zionist”. 

During that time Cameron had responded to the questions that had been put forward to him at a Annual Luncheon Of Conservative Friends Of Israel; this became centre of attention for awhile back then, either David Cameron came out and said or someone who couldn’t believe what he had just said. To which implying that the academic boycotting was completely uncalled for; to the point of that the attacks against Israel are often slides into anti-semitisn. This is when he got a chance by slamming the British Initiative for boycotting against Israel.

It goes to show that if you say something in the past or bringing it to a function that will be effecting the future; you always know that it will always going to come back to bite you on the arse, one way or another. Tony Blair is realising that now after years of not being in power; that going to war with George.W.Bush things that actually didn’t come out to the public for one reason or another, yet we all paying the penalties for all the ridiculous moves. From Thatcher to Blair to Gorden, Cameron and now May. Have you notice it’s always between two parties that screw everything up; Labour and Conservative which makes you soon realised why Corbyn wants to be in power instead of May, then he can make everything worse not better. 

The meaning of Antisemitism can also been spelt in two different ways; anti-Semitism or anti-semitism, which is a hostility, prejudice or discrimination that is directed against Jews as a group. If one person who holds such positions they are called antisemite. Antisemitism is generally considered to be a form of racism. The root word a Semite gives out the false impression that Antisemitism is directed towards all the Semitic people for example which includes Arbs. A compound word antisemite was popularised in Germany in 1879; which is a scientific-sounding term for Judenhass meaning, “Jew – Hatred” since then it has been most common to update to the present day.

Zionistzm is another way or another form group like Nazi back in World War controlled by Adolf Hitler; this means that no matter what Jews do or in my opinion haven’t done anything wrong they are like everyone else believing in a god but also they are different. This goes to show that no one has ever changed the way the matter what we do in life to change the world; there will always going to be a group of people out there, that don’t like something and do something about it. Like for example our own current situation right now with ISIS group they don’t like what the whole European group is doing to their country; they are the ones that have started from one man, who went on the run for a few weeks. Now it’s like history is repeating itself and it will always going to be repeating itself.

The part where you just want to scream!

The part where you just want to scream but the only way to do so is in a journal. Have you thought what it must be like for a writer who has lots going on in their mind; yet the things on their mind is stopping them from putting pen to paper, this is what my world in my mind as a writer.
So in this journal you will find your on a chase throughout the journal; which speaks of the journey that once use to be lived in, but now the journal is speaking of the journey. Now come. Come and read. Read for yourselves what it’s like to live in a writer’s head; that everyone thinks writers don’t get a writer’s block, that’s not true everyone has those days. I’ve had one two many of them this week. (Week of the 10th July 2017).
Let me begin how I grateful I am for you to come and read my blogs and their stories; without your care and love to read them, it’s shows me great courage to continue in writing even if I’m having a bad day for some odd reason or another. So far this week I have managed to get some of my blogs done on time this week; which is a success as monjority of the week, I’ve been so stressed out with other things. All I just wanted to do is scream because I couldn’t get what I wanted done. Done. Where to the point if I wanted to that I actually wanted to give up of trying to live my dream as a writer; whilst everything around me is closing in, to the point of do I actually want to make this a success or not. 

I know it’s not going to be a permanent thought of mind when you have a writer’s block; when you have so many other things going on in your head, all you want to do is scream, shout, give up and even want to punch somebody to the point because you got to that state of mind. Writer block is completely to everyone who writes; like I’ve just mentioned about my mind just want to give up and etc, it shows the whole different side of you that no one actually see’s. They see someone being successful in their craft or hobby. 

I’m quite surprised that I managed to come up with this blog on Wednesday 12th July 2017. The day I had that day. My word I couldn’t even tell you even if I tried. Whilst I was trying to work on my blogs and etc; I was trying to sort out things with Caspian and his things, whilst having a complete argument, trying to push him away and what not. To be honest he’s not even giving up on me that easily. 

The best thing is about Caspian no matter how much I try to push him away; he knows how much I’m fighting my demons, he believes in me no matter how much I want to be left alone. To be able to talk to him about things can unclear my head from writer blocks; then look at what views I have on each blog websites, then say actually what am I doing. I shouldn’t give up on this. I need to believe in myself to be able think I can do this; I’m going to carry on with this and take down the writer’s block one way or another, to remind myself what the blogs are good for and what other people say or thoughts that I may have about it all. 

This is one of my reasons I have writer’s blocks when I battle my demons; I think of the whole I’m not good enough, until someone so close to you and says no your not. Its like them saying I’m not abounding you because of what you have got or what has happened to in the past; your the reason why I love you because you have the passion to do something in life, I want to help you get through the pain barrier first. 

All you got to do is not give up on yourself; find your strong hardcore man or women who believes in you no matter what, I hope this helps you guys. 

Charity work you can do

Wanting to do something good with your life; there’s lots of things that you could do in your spare time, loads of official charities out there that you can help. 


The worst feeling is that your not 100 percent sure in what you want to do with your life; better still your waiting for prince or princess charming to come and get you, so that you don’t have to go to work or do anything. Have that luxury life that everyone else has; think about the children, the poor, the needy and the helpless. You may have a home to go to; family that care for you, still have loads of opportunities to give a try. What do the people who are in need have? Think about it whilst your reading this. 

Over the years I have helped with charities such like Children In Need a well known charity in England; my local charity called Challengers, and last but least a special needs school who has become academy trust within a year called Pond Meadow which is a local school in my hometown. When I was growing up I had lots of big aspirations; meaning there was lots of things that I wanted to do, but no one really believed in me. 

Well the teachers at school because I was in the bottom two sets; so they didn’t really care much about me and my grades, however since I’ve left school I still didn’t know what I wanted to do. First college didn’t really believe in me either; so I gave up trying my hardest to do that course, that was when I went to another college and that college helped me to turn my life around.

They helped me to believe in myself; along side them believe in me, I managed to work hard to get good grades, help me to focus on my creativity. You’re probably thinking why has this got anything to do with charities and helping people. I can tell you right now; it has everything to do with charities because if I believed in myself to do things when no one else would, I wouldn’t be doing what I am doing now.

Working with special needs children I provided them hope, encourage them, do things that they thought it would be impossible to do. They were being giving the life that everyone else had; believe me the things that I have witnessed, helped and made them do lots of progress. It made their day and your day one hundred percent good one even if there was things that couldn’t be helped. 

All I am saying is that if your struggling to know what you wanting to do in life after school or college; why not become a volunteer or a place that you become a paid volunteer, to gain some work experience and also give you some sort of direction in where you want to go in life. 

Here are some few ideas you may want to check out:

  • Local Charities
  • Children in Need 
  • Sports Relief
  • Comic Relief/Red Nose Day
  • National Trust 
  • English Heritage
  • Helping children in Africa

Remember me talking about my best friend Caspian; well he had asked me to help with one of his charities, to which I manage to scrape some money together out of my own pocket. Sent it to a country in Africa called Nigeria; I had received some photos, from the person who was on Caspian’s team through him of course and in the pictures they had shown me what they had received. I do have to say is that I am so pleased that they have got something that they truly enjoy the most. To also have a childhood that like everyone else. 

Do something to make will make yourself proud and seeing other people smile as they are being heard and listen to. Its that feeling of great sense of feeling to have when you have made someone’s day. 

The Fear Of The Unknown Part 1

How can one dream; turn into a reality of another’s one soul, but she’s not all cracked up to be. Is she?

One night I was in bed alone; in one big massive mansion, security stood outside my door, my body guard was sleeping on the couch that was by the fire place. I always liked it when Caspian gets over protective; especially when I’m ill and I couldn’t go to a social event with him, he wanted to make sure that I was properly protected even if I was with him or not. 

It took me awhile to dose off because I had been crying; my throat was hurting, struggling to breath. I refused them to call Caspian because I knew how important this function was for him; I didn’t want him to panic or worry that my mental health or my current bug or something whatever it was to ruin his big moment for his business. 

I was slowly drifting off to sleep; Darrell my bodyguard looked over, he said quietly as he was coming over. “Come on I think that’s enough work for one night” as he took my iPad off me and laid it on the side table. He then put blankets over me because he knew I liked to cuddle the duvet for comfort….

As I laid my head on the soft pillows; my eyes were getting heavier and heavier, I knew my medication and paracetamol had started to kick in. Due to the heavy anxiety attack I had endured the hour before; which lead me to struggling to breathe, a massive headache and really bad sore throat. Everything was too much for me to handle. I was completely out of it; I was in a deep sleep no one couldn’t wake me up, I had found myself in by this pond pondering of what I should do. 

The water was deep and inviting; this was when I was at my weakest point in my life, no one was here to stop me from doing anything. I had started to walk in; I could barely hear voices shouting my name, I stopped to have look with my eyes full with tears. I could see a man in a white shirt and cameral colour trousers on running in; couldn’t even think who it was until he picked me up in his arms, as I put my arms around his neck I could smell his aftershave of Jean Paul Glitter. My favourite aftershave on any man; this one I liked more, I knew it was Caspian coming running in after me. 

We had reached to the bank where everyone else were; I had started to shake in his arms, he knew I was freezing as I was only wearing a strappy top and shorts. The air had changed; winds have started to pick up more heavy, clouds had formed to which part turned dark and black. Threatening with a massive downpour of rain; I could hear him giving orders, to head back to the vehicles quickly and officially. 

I could feel the rain starting to fall; Caspian’s nice white cotton feel to it, that I always have thought he was going to burst out of them with his muscles and joked about that he works out too much was getting wet. I was murmuring something to Caspian about something but he couldn’t make out what I was saying. I could hear his panic in his voice with a bit of reassurance that we were nearly there; I struggled to open my eyes, my lips were turning blue. I could hear the doors wide open; blankets wrapped around me, the doors closing I could feel Caspian sitting in the back of the car. He told me that he was going to take me back to his place; without any arguments, or anything because he was a lot closer and he can look after me better. 

The feeling of being a stranger in his house was like feeling a stranger in a different land; as I woke up in in a cold sweat, fever as everyone rushed to my aid even Caspian who could hear her from the other side of the house….

I actually woke myself up from the dream screaming; Darrell and the security were running to my aid, Darrell was trying to calm me down whilst few others were on their phones calling around to see where Caspian was. It wasn’t before long that he had finally arrived; running in from the front of the house to my room, I had begged him not to leave me on my own. I know the rules that his family had to follow; if he could he would, Darrell and Caspian’s bodyguard Luka’s had agree along with the security that it wasn’t the best solution but as long as I manage to fall back to sleep. Knowing that he was in the house; Darrell will sleep close by even further, as long as I need him…..

Recap Time of my new blog and prep


Introduction 

This weeks Friday Time Recap Time I’m going to be recapping over the course of this week of blog prep and the new blog website. I do have to say it isn’t that easy when your relaunching a new website; along with all the prep work that has to go around it, also the paperwork that you have to put forward for it. 

I’m already a weeks behind on my paperwork for this month but will catch up for it; as I have the evidence for what I have done so far this week, hopefully I’ll catch up with it soon as I can. 

Recap Time of my new blog and prep. 

Today in hustle and bustle of blogging advice; this week I have finally got the official blog up and running, put up a few of the last three months of newsletters up so that old and new readers can catch up on what’s been happening. Have created new blogs like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and etc blogs where if I have something perceive that I want to talk about that will happen with that correct day. 

Along the normal blog post that I have had in the past will still follow; along with the three nights events plus Sunday’s event, as per normal because it seems fair that everyone one enjoys the whole events on certain times. Apologies this is a late one due to having personal things happening; so it took a little while longer to write, this one as I was planning this all day but haven’t had a chance to write it all out. 

I have spent monjority of the day cutting out pictures and have started laminating things for my clipboards, blog boards and folders. As I have finally got a new laminator that arrived on Monday; still need to laminate the rest of the pictures before they go onto anything, I like to have them laminated so that if anything does happen like something gets spilt on or something I know it’s okay. I can just replace what is actually damaged.

With the new blog it is hard to rebuild your readers and etc again but in time it will bounce back. It won’t happen over night but giving me a chance to rebuild the audience and get good blogs out there in time will be amazing to get more notice. 

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