Everyday Post: Mental Health Issues – Sober (Revisit – Story Based)

There was nights when the wind was so cold making me feel it to the bone and there was days where the sun could be so cruel; I knew my tears were starting to dry up forever, I knew the day that you left I had finished because I had banished every memory that we had together and now it’s all coming back to me. Yes it’s all it was a very long time ago but I’ve got no excuses for of these goodbyes; call me when it’s over because I’m dying inside, wake me up once the shakes have gone along with the cold sweats have disappeared. Please call me when it’s over and I just have my old self that we both knew will reappear.

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know why I do it every time because sometimes I just want to cave in; I’m tired of fighting for my life especially what’s left of me, I try and I try but I just wish you were here to hold me. I’m so lonely.

Mum I’m so sorry I’m not sober anymore, daddy please forgive me for all the drinks that I’ve spilled on the floor and to the ones who really never left me we all know that we’ve been down this road once before. I’m so sorry that I’m not sober anymore.

I’m sorry to my future love the man that’s stuck by my side every step of the way; loving me, saving me from me and from the inside my head. I’m sorry for all the people who tried to help me and watch me fall again; I just want to be a role model yet I’m being judged by people who think it’s okay to do so, talk about lies that they really don’t know what’s going on in my life. I’m only human like everybody else.

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know why I do it every time at the best of times I don’t know what’s causing it. It’s only when I’m lonely and tired of fighting with my head. Sometimes I just want to run away to a cave so no one can find me; I can just let myself cave inside myself because I just don’t want to fight anymore. I try and I try to hold on but just hold me. I’m lonely.

Mum, I’m so sorry that I’m not sober anymore and daddy please forgive me for the drinks that I have spilled on the floor. To the ones who really never left me, we’ve been down this road before and I’m so sorry that I’m not sober anymore.

I’m not sober anymore. I’m sorry that I’m back here again. I promise that I’ll get help. It really wasn’t my intention to get back into this place. I’m even sorry to myself.

Daily Post – Mental Health Issues – Hardest Challenge I had to face so far

I do have to confess I haven’t done one of these in awhile but I wanted to share with you the most difficult challenge I had to face. I had manage to take on my ex few years ago now when I knew back then enough is enough living in the fear of him and people around him. That was a massive relief and at peace in what I needed to do then for enable me to move on with my life not having to be constantly living in fear. 

Years gone by and more things came up that replaced it. However this week (22.10.18 – 26.10.18) plus both weekends on either side of the half term in the England that is not sure about the rest of the country (Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales) however this week I have to say was or has been the most hardest week  for myself where I set myself a challenge not take it out on someone that I care and love the most who’s been there for me a lot recently. They went away on the Saturday for the week; no matter how many times they tried to tell me how much they loved me, missed me and etc. I had finally crashed a bit last night (24.10.18) where my head has started to clear; I became quite anxious because I didn’t know what this was or what was happening, yet they understood that I wasn’t use to the whole positive and someone permanently being there in my life. Not saying my other closet friends haven’t tried or anything they have and still are. 

This person makes me happy and feel relax. This week has been quite a emotional week due to the fact that obviously they are away and be back on Friday but also Monday my anxiety has been so high due to the fact that the kittens had an operation and it set off my past of going to the vets at between 5-7 year old loosing my best friend “Charlie” the budge. I just couldn’t live with myself if the kittens had passed away as well even though it was just moving something before they were let outside. 

So facing two hardest challenges this week has probably finished me off completely now. However I’m not letting it take control of me no matter how I’m feeling right now because at the end of the day I know I’ve achieved something which is a positive than a negative. Now that I’ve calmed down a bit more than this morning because my friend messaged me I literally didn’t need to over think or have ago at him for no reason even though I knew and he told me that he couldn’t get much signal in the first place. That’s what bothers me the most that I know perfectly well that I’m being insecure and they aren’t a bad person either but he helps me out a lot even distracts my head when I start feeling anxious or start become low. 

Just one more day until they come home tomorrow and I get to see them over the weekend. I know that then I’ve done it. Achieved something that I thought I wouldn’t be able to do. Yes my anxiety and depression tried to kill me last night (24.10.18) and this morning (25.10.18) however I took control of it as much as I could because I didn’t want it control me and my happiness that I’ve had. It was bad enough already but I had the focus and the drive to change it and fight it as much as I could.