Going Unnoticed

Going inside with 13 reasons why a Netflix tv program.

This would of been Friday Time Recap Time! Blog last week Friday 8th September 2017 but never got round to finishing it so I decided to move it along a bit. Since completing on 13 Reasons Why on a tv program on Netflix; it’s has hit home a lot, especially with me personally where a girl called Hannah Baker struggled to open up but fear of being judged and making out that she’s a lie etc. Cyber bullying isn’t okay no matter if it’s at school and continuing still out of school just behind the computer screen.

There are so many ways of people who could get build and it just goes unnoticed from being at home; clubs, school and especially social media. Just out one tiny little detail that blows out proportion; remember my recent Dairy Entry for Haters, Social Media, Press and Exs – look what you made me do? No matter how much I tried to get away from the horrible things like people say “oh how cute do they look?” And so on on or the whole thing that people spread rumours that aren’t even true, or things set you off and feel like that you can’t move on.

To be honest I’ve been off Instagram, Facebook and Twitter for a good while now as I don’t have the apps on my phone or tablets but the best thing is it’s taken off a whole lot of pressure off me. Not having to worry or be insecure about myself. One thing I do have to say is that everyone has a story but they just take it out on one person and one person alone.

Some it gets too much and when the victims ask for help but they have the fear of being judged; yet that one person may not even take them seriously enough, or even try and stop them. It’s a complete warning signs to everyone have been missed. It’s like saying where did it go wrong?

Yet I’ve noticed personally if I try and talk I get shut down quite easily when there’s other things as well not just the one thing. Then it’s a lot harder to talk about things when people say it’s always the one thing. It’s like I explain it to one of my closes friends the other day and they can see entirely where I’m coming from. They quickly apologies for making me open up to them when they realised that they open a can of worms. To be honest I don’t blame them to be honest.

That’s basically what the 13 Reasons Why story is about; where one individual can’t talk about what is going on in their lives but then you have the one person who can control all of them, until someone does something but then two people come and try to get their voices to be heard.

All I’m saying is if your a parent or a teacher or a councillor or in that area I recommend you watch 13 Reasons Why to understand what any child is going through. See if you pick up anything that you may of missed.

Haters/Social Media/Press/Exs: Look what you made me do

Dairy Entries Online……are they true are they not you decide.

Dear Haters/Social Media/Press/Exs

I really don’t like your little games because it ruins my life; hackers, all the lies and self control over people even when your not around me anymore. Don’t act like your on a tilted stage because you can’t get what you want; the role that you made me play, making me out as the fool and a bad person. This is why I don’t like you and I don’t like your perfect crime. The way you laugh as you lied about everything especially when you say who you really are but actually it’s not; it isn’t cool and I do not like you one single bit.

Yet now I’m taking control; I’m breaking these chains because I’m getting smarter and starting to get harder in the nick of time, the fact that I rose up from the dead hiding from my fear. I have a list of names and guess what all of you are in red, in capitals and underlined. I don’t check it just once but I check it twice to make sure.

Look what you made me do. I’ve deleted all of my social media apps because I’m living in fear of being hunted or talking to hackers. Look what you just made me do. Thank you for making me realise how much your complete arse holes who have no lives; just want to ruin other people’s lives guess what you just ruined mine but I’m not going to let it happen no more. So look what you just made me do I’m going to fight back and when my love of my life back.

Look what you made me do as now I’m fighting back as I don’t like your kingdom keys anymore; they once belonged to me but now I threw my key of all keys away, only one person has my special key and no one else can have it. The world moves on, another day, another drama; but for me I hope karma comes back round and bite your arse one day.

I don’t trust nobody unless they are really close to me; guess what I know what I’ll be is an actress staring in your bad dreams, because you know why. This is what you ruined, you won’t be getting me back either way because I’m going to take control of my life. I’m with someone else and I know that they are right for me.

So here’s my message for all you haters, hackers, press and Ex’s:

“I’m sorry. The old me can’t come to the phone right now.”

“Why?”

“Oh. Didn’t you know. The old me is dead. You killed her.”

………

Dairy Entry to Mia Moore

Dairy Entries for online…weather they are true or not.

Dear Mia Moore

I thought I haven’t heard about you in a very long time. I thought oh you must of laid low; until I found out that you spoken out about you and Caspians relationship, weather you told him the truth or not when he confronted you about it before I mentioned it to him. At least I know he really truly loves me more when he knows when I find out or if I found out; he well and truly knows me when it comes to my insecurities, you haven’t even met me yet but I don’t think you will ever be able to know.

You know why? Because if I had my way I would personally not have you in my presences; wether your friends with Caspian or not he’s in love with me and I’m in love with him, by the way I’ve seen some of the things you’ve been in and to be honest your acting is shocking all the same facial expressions really. Yeah I did research; I don’t watch much tv with the news and etc, but when it comes to you and Caspian I’m like seriously.

I’m trying to put my differences aside just for Caspian but I can’t your not the only one that I can’t put it behind me. One has been the longest and I can’t even stand her; I’m not looking forward to meeting her when I get a chance to sort myself out with money and etc, then there’s another one I can’t stand and get to use her sisters lime light to be put in the spot light. I just think it’s wrong personally. You see I could go on and on about how much I hate you and so fourth. I gave my word to Caspian that I need to drop my attitude and etc; do you know why I’ve been so defensive and everything else, it’s because there’s people like you think they can get whatever they want and who they want.

I hope that this is the last time I have to hear about you in the news or on the radio. Because I don’t think I can cope with anymore with you and your lies. I could be really silly and your telling the truth but right now I’m fighting for my relationship. Yeah I generally don’t give a flying too hoots about your life or anything. Just prepared that you might not get an invite to any of the parties that might not include you. That ship has sailed……

Autumn Hustle and Bustle Advice of Blogging 2017

Lets all grab a coffee, tea, hot chocolate or whatever that is in the picture. Looks like a what’s the word the one that begins with the L?

First of all I would like to apologise if I have been so distant with my blogging this past month; a lot of things have gone on that I can’t explain, along with mental health issues and what not. Now that I am on the road to recovery I’m hoping to get back on to my feet and get back into the whole process of the blogging.

The fact that its September 2017 over in the UK Autumn had literally arrived exactly on cue from 31st August 2017 to 1st September 2017; absolutely freezing cold weather, raining, leaves are starting to turn to orange and crispy. Come by the end of September 2017; it will be the season of conker, to which reminds me every year for the past 17/18 years of my cousin naming her brother who wasn’t born just yet conker. Ever stuck with me since.

What to expect from this months blogs; most probably how cold and depressive it’s starting to feel, along with some exciting news I never know what’s going to happen each month until it happens. I generally just go along with the whole idea of planning the week or on the day; then lets see where it takes me, yet it’s 2017 September and it’s only 4 months away until the end of the year.

Yeah this advice probably sound boring for now but you when it’s a new month you can’t really predict what you want to write unless you have something all ready. Unless your like me taken some sort of time out and your like erm what am I suppose to write here. I may put up another blog post in the hustle and bustle advice of blogging extra later. I wonder if you notice one thing that I did wrong in this paragraph; let me know down in the comments below, and see if you notice what I didn’t do.

August Newsletter 2017

September has finally arrived with its very cold snap of Autumn is here and summer has officially now gone. So what has happened in my world of August 2017 that I want to share. There’s been lots of tears, arguments, laughter, happiness and many more things. I’m only going to share a few things in this Newsletter with you that I think it might be worth reading about.

Excuse me when I go and get something to eat; I’m actually quite hungry packet of crisps don’t manage to put me off or fill me up, so might as well raid the kitchen one way or another. Be right back.

Well that took longer than I expected fell asleep straight afterwards. My bad sorry. So August 2017 has been okay but lots of things happened that I don’t want to share but will share with you guys some of the things. First off my sister had turned 21 years old and I feel really old on that front but heyho. All good though even if it was strange. Met up with a few friends which was actually quite nice as I haven’t seen in a while or a long time. So it was quite nice to see them and put me in a good mood.

Then there was lots of paperwork and etc for my blogs on which I haven’t done much of recently but need to do some because I need to catch up on. Might do some over the weekend or so unless I have to do other things.

Then I started to have my introduction and all day first aid training for my new job. Took a picture and scared the heck out Caspian as he thought I actually did something. I was like are you that stupid haha. I knew he would of been over protective and etc as he started to know my track record when I get cross or something. The word comes to mind for me is gullible. But I love him for it.

Pretty much it to be honest. Sorry it’s a short one didn’t really do much that was wildly exciting but there you go I’ll try and make sure this month more exciting.

Special Addition Revisit: Hello

A Special Addition revisit in memory of Daisy.

We all wondered where Caspian had gone; me, DC and KC looked over to where Daisy’s gravestone was, I told them to go and I’ll stay to which to my surprise DC agreed with me by telling me that he needed me more than ever. As I started to walk over; I looked back over I could see DC burying his head in KC’s arms, which made me have a tear rolling down my face. As I reached over to Caspian took his hand as I knew I wasn’t meant to but this was a one off; as his grandmother gave her blessing for this day to happen, when her two grandsons needed their partners the most. I whispered to him saying that a car will pick us up a bit later everyone else will go on ahead. Caspian snaked his arm around me after he let go of my hand; pulled me close to him than ever before, the fact that he knew I had tears down my face meant two things to him. One that I was crying because I wanted to take his pain away, second I was only about age 6 when his mother had died. I had started to listen to him talk but I knew he wasn’t going to let me go; I was like his prop to help him stand even though he was 6ft2, and I was 5ft4 and half but it soothed him a lot because he always would make fun about my height.

“Hello, it’s me. I was just wondering after all these years if you would like to meet to go over everything; they would say over the years at this time that it would become easy; even when the time should be supposed to heal you, but guess what I haven’t done much healing. Since Lizzy came into my life things have become much easier; less dreams than I have done, except this time of year I either keep her up or shout out in my sleep she comes running after she gets woken.

Hello, can you hear me? When we were younger and free there were so many happy memories; I have forgotten how it feels when you were you were my world, your warmth, your loving, your hugs and many more. There’s such a difference between us now more than ever; there’s a million miles away of where you are, I think you sent me Lizzy one way or another.

I have forgotten tell you. She’s just like you mum. Everything about her reminds me of you. I’m not going to let anything happen to her. I promise mum. She’s staying put for ever. Not moving. I don’t know how she does it when I get mad she looks at me the way you do or the way she says things to make me calm down. The way you do it’s like I’ve got you back. I miss you so much mum. I love you.”

We stayed a bit more longer. I hugged him tightly but gently at the same time. He kissed me on the forehead a few times; I knew the driver and security were hovering, I asked for two more minutes they agreed and went away. Caspian whispered to me and “I love you” I whispered back “I love you too”. Time was ticking along now so we had to go back otherwise everyone would worry where we had got to.

The worst kind of fear is going back to school!

I never liked school in the first place myself; then worked at a school for 4 years, why did you work in a school if you don’t like school? You might think that’s a bit weird and stupid.

I never liked school in the first place myself; then worked at a school for 4 years, why did you work in a school if you don’t like school? You might think that’s a bit weird and stupid.

The fact I worked in a school for four years it doesn’t mean I still like it but it means I wanted to do something for my life; yeah I hate the worst feeling ever when every new academic new year, new term and etc I still don’t want to go back. I’m dreading my new job to be honest; I’m not looking forward to it what so ever because it’s new, and a huge responsibility as well.

School phobia, school avoidance and school refusal can only be as described as an anxiety disorder that you will find in monjority of the children these days. This involved who might have an irrational or persistent fear of going to school. Each child’s behavior is different from any other child; there are children whom more likely to have a truant and express no apprehension about missing school, which that children who have tactical school avoidance want to be in close contact with their parent or caregiver, whereas truants do not. You may find school phobic children are often insecure, sensitive, and do not know how to cope with their emotions; to which appear anxious and may become physically ill at the thought of attending school, for example putting their head down the toilet and throwing up.

A typical type of separation anxiety normally occurs between 18 to 24 months; when parents start to leave them for awhile or dropping them of at nursery or a carer, at this age may cling, cry and/or have temper tantrums. However, there are older children who continue to have difficulty being away from home; due to the fact their parents are often attentive, loving and maybe over protective. This can become a result in some of the students of whom lack self-confidence and the ability to cope with school life. Any child who may show a higher risk for school phobia where they may not have no siblings to look out for them, maybe the youngest and all of their siblings have left school and etc as they are a lot older. Maybe perhaps they have a sibling who is chronically ill.

“Most children object to going to school at one time or another. However, a school phobic child often misses many days for vague reasons. Parents should be concerned if their child appears irrationally anxious, depressed, scared, and/or regularly says that he or she feels too sick to attend class.

Symptoms of school phobia are:

• Frequent stomachaches and other physical complaints such as nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, exhaustion, or headaches that cannot be attributed to a physical ailment.

• Clinginess, tantrums, and/or panic when required to separate from a parent or caregiver.

• Fear of the dark or being in a room alone.

• Trouble going to sleep and/or having nightmares.

• Exaggerated fears of animals, monsters, school, etc.” For more information http://www.kellybear.com/TeacherArticles/TeacherTip51.html the link is there.

I don’t remember much of school to be honest if I can help it; I try to forget it if you ask me, I hated school with a passion for lots of things. Then again I would make excuses to either go home or when I’m at home I say I don’t feel right or I have a genuine excuse of I have an hospital appointment so I won’t be in. To the fact that hospital appointments where monjority of my reasons of not going to school because of my ears as I was always constantly having operations or appointments one way or another. That’s when I was growing up at the time. I used my hormones and etc as an excuse to go home during secondary time; first year hardly been at the school, part of that got burnt down and every year since I wished it snowed or hot day or someone burned it down again. By the way I didn’t burn it down. Was funny when one of my brothers said that the school is on fire; as both of them were there at the same time as me when I started, I was like wicked and said well I won’t be going to school then.

What struck me was that I’m one out of four and not even one of us like school. For very different reasons; not sure if it’s because of we had different problems at the time, when we growing up with health issues one way or another and we ended up staying at home for long period of time.

Detoxing Social Media

The fact that I’m slowly but surly giving up my favourite chocolate and junk food. After having a row with someone which lead me to tears; I thought and agreed with them that I should log out of all of my social media accounts, so far I’m doing great with it after a day.

Why I am I having a detox social media time? It’s because I spend way too much time on it; during the time I’m bored and yes it gets me into trouble when I look up things that I really don’t want to know, that will put thoughts into my head and start believing in things. Then it causes more problems further down the line in your life wether it’s something that you may think “oh no one will find out” sadly it’s true there’s lots of things that people can find out and report back to your work place.

There are so many snitches in this world you barely escape from; to be fair I have had something similar that has happened to me, but heyho not going into that detail. Yeah I still have my accounts on but because I’m not using them it’s far easier for me to focus on what I’m doing like blogging and etc than distracting myself and seeing what other people are talking about.

I still can use them as for my blogging network connection as it’s all connected to each account; the fact that I don’t have to do anything after I pressed published it does everything for me, yes it’s going to be hard after certain number of days but I know I can do it because I’ve just completed day 5 of detoxing my favourite chocolate and junk food even when I want them so badly recently. However it’s getting to the point of pushing me forward in to determination of I want to do this; I want to beat it, there’s nothing stopping me from doing it. It’s okay I still can gain access to them all and be able to respond.

Caspian and lost of his mother

The thoughts and feelings of my take as I’m close to Caspian. I’m not too sure if I’m going to published this or not. #fightingforCaspian&DC #inmemoryofDaisy

As the days grew closer and closer; the more I realise how much I hate the press and the media, never so much as I was younger and it annoys me to the point of lashing out along with my thoughts. When I was kid way before I met Caspian I had felt sorry, upset for him and his brother; I would pray for him and his brother to be looked after as the trying years that faced them in years to come. They have turned out two handsome men; living life to the full, counting their blessings everyday knowing that their mother is watching over them making her proud.

As I was growing up Caspian’s mother Daisy was a well known person; everyone loved her, along with her boys and I loved all three of them. Now that I am friends with Caspian; I am learning that so much what has happened, I think that now know why he wants me to keep me safe. Which is pretty much understandable as I wouldn’t of been able to cope with it; until I get to him one day soon, as long as I find away to be able to get this blog up and running. Does it make me look like a press if I’m writing about something or someone I care about. No it doesn’t make me sound like I’m from the press or from the media; I try and stay away from all that nonsense, unless there’s something that has come up that I strongly disagree or something on the news. Then that’s different kettle of fish.

The fact that the press makes me feel more and more wanting to break their cameras; in away of saying you lost your pride of joy, but it’s okay you can go and get another one from PC world. Yet you can’t bring back a parent that you killed. Yet you still want to continue to ruin their mother’s life because she can’t defend for herself; saying that you knew her better than the boys and their family, yet they are the ones feeling all the guilt because they think that they are the ones that killed her. However yet the press and the media are the ones who had actually killed her no body else; yet you still carry on with the whole I’m going to chase after all of the well known, who have always grown up in the lime light since day one.

So many times I want write this blog; I want to share my anger, upset and hatred towards it all and I’ve never got the courage to do so because I never know wether or not too. Then again is this a story that I’ve just written or is all based on true facts. Personally I feel like it’s just a story for people to read. Not everything is about the whole real life events; at the end of the day every child looses a parent one way or another, a parent looses a child the same way. In this tragic sense of a story that I created is to make people realise that press and media aren’t really your friend; they just want your life story to pay their bills, you want the lime light like everyone else who is a celebrity in this day in age. For me I just like to share a bit about myself now and then; to also to stay away from having attention to myself, I’m not one of those attention seekers like everyone else around me and that’s when I tell them in my head to go bugger off don’t care about you what so ever.

Sorry Not Sorry if I got a chance

Things that I would do if I got a chance to do; but I would be sorry about it, in the end I wouldn’t be sorry. #InamemoryofDaisy #fightingforCaspain&DC

Payback is going to be one horrible thing;

And you know what,

I’m the baddest of them all

The fact I’m now looking for revenge.

The best feeling is smashing your leans and cameras,

Yeah I know how much it must of hurt you,

Yet your don’t know how much I you hurt my two friends

Just taking photos whilst their mother was dying;

Never went and help to save her life.

I can make you out a lot worst as it already is;

Now your looking for redemption and look like a lost puppy,

The regret should of eaten you up over the past 20 years

Now payback is a bitch

You’re saying I’m a savage

But I’m sorry that I’m going to have to do this,

But actually I’m not sorry for doing this.

Showing up like this I knew

that I would take it out on you

You know that I would too

Seriously I am not sorry

For punching your lights out

I’m not sorry

For sticking it up everywhere.

Leaving you there.

Yet you still have no remorse

No dignity

No nothing

You say your sorry but your not sorry

Sorry 20 years too late.

All of the Special Milestones she missed

Because of you.

Now you say your sorry.