This week for the new month and a new week is something that I would like everyone to understand.
For the record of this I would like to remind people what I do and why I do it. I also give people the opportunity of what they believe and what they don’t believe; you may think I’m faking it or lying about my blogs, that’s why I start putting subject headings like my online diary entries because at the end of the day it’s just a story weather it’s real or not. I know the truth otherwise I wouldn’t of published it in the first place. Let me break this down for you so you know how I work and how I do things if you want to become a blogger or a writer.
The burning question of why I blog? This is because I want to be a writer; blogging is another format for me to get myself of the ground, along with the whole base of acknowledging my writing is good and people enjoying my work but also respect me for what I write. Yes I use research and turn into a story or share my views on certain matters of life that means to me. Yes I may share some personal things on my blogs because I believe that people need to understand what people struggling but also to how people can relate to the same things. The fact that I don’t give a too whoots about people who think they are right or they are wrong because at the end of the day they believe what they believe and I believe what I believe at the end of the day. Not everyone is the same as each other otherwise we won’t be able to be controversial at all. The whole world wouldn’t go round if we could even try to make it to.
In life there’s always going to be critics out there; whether it’s Newspapers, media, press, friends, families or even fake friends or just wannabes. You either just have to believe in yourself of not listening to all of the critics who try to take you down because at the end of the day who is right and who is wrong? Your the one who’s going to be right as it’s you who knows what is happening in your life not them, you tell them something and they could just spiral it out of control and put you down no matter what.
Yes it’s horrible and eats you up. At the end of the day you ask yourself do I give up something that you love or continue to push through the pain barriers and stamp out all the negativity that’s coming towards you? Ask yourself those two questions. You don’t have to tell me that’s your choice to tell or not.
To be able to overcome them all is who do you believe your critics or yourself? Someone once told me that you should believe in yourself; take no nonsense of other people because all they want to do is bring you down because they think your better than them and think they are going to loose their power over you. You know something the amount of times I wanted to give up blogging because people come to me and say is it all true and etc because they are concerned or go to someone else and get them involved. That hurts the most; it goes to show how much you can trust people who believe the internet world more than the actual person, and everyone shares their feelings on the internet but for me as a writer and a blogger I use my emotions through the stories that I write because that’s how I know to sell my blogs and stories to people to get them to read it. I don’t actually express my feelings to anyone else when I’m with them unless it’s the most closet friends who actually seen me cry that’s when I talk about things in private.
I like to put this out there when I write blogs I do not have to continually say this is a story or this is a poem or this my actual blog post. I should have the right to be able to express my form of different types writing media in the way that I want to, not having to have people dictating me what I can and can’t do.
New month and why not hit it off with a Sunday Confessions time shall we.
I wasn’t too sure how to do this Sunday’s Special or weather or not to write it for this week; but I thought when I looked up some ideas I saw the title of confession of a…., and then I thought as it’s a Sunday and normally I do a Sunday Special. Why not go back to my routes of growing up in a Christian family and touch base there for a bit.
I know that I have struggled a lot this passed week or so but I’m not going to go down that path of talking about it on here; I have something that I can turn to for that, so let’s not go there. However I will talk about my experience so far with my 20’s up until now; as I have less that 13 weeks until my 27th birthday, so I might as well talk about it now than later. By the way I’m fine and I’m doing this for myself no one else.
1. Left College
2. diagnosed with Polystic Overias Syndrome
3. landed two volunteering charity work
4. landed a retail job
5. landed a paid charity job
6. landed a new job in a special needs school school
7. left the paid charity job
8. got diagnosed with Depression and GAD
9. left the Special Needs School
10. I started a new job doing school runs
11. I started my blogging in 2015
12. I started my official blog website
13. Went and do some traveling for a bit with a friend.
14. Tried out dating websites (never again)
15. Had worst times with mental health
16. Friends that moved away for better life
17. Family problems
18. Family member getting married
19. Family two family members getting confirmed/christened
That’s pretty much about it I think so far in the space of 6 years in my 20’s lots of things happened I have missed a few and maybe more but I didn’t want to particularly mention it and put it out there. So as you can see there are pros and cons in my life that has happened within the years of my 20’s.
A new category of life that involves people through all walks of life.
In this world that we live in there is so many people that are so toxic; even if you managed to get away from it all, your very lucky to be able to do so. Not many of us can avoid that sort of thing or who can break the cycle but then drawn back into it one way or another. I’ve been in a similar situation that I wish I never did go down that road to begin with. Like the rest of the blogs that I have done this week but two different ones because for this one it’s completely different to the others that I’ve talked about.
You may think no one is toxic enough to ruin your life. Wrong! Throughout my life of my first 6 years of being in my 20’s I have come across a lot of toxic people. From being with them as in a relationship to being friends to ditching them completely and breaking free from it all. The fact you know you break away from them but when you do; you always find yourself either back talk to them or they come back talking to you. Either which isn’t good.
You remember that year of 2003 when Britney Spears brought out the song “Toxic” with the words of “with a taste of your lips, I’m on a ride. You’re toxic I’m slipping under, with a taste of a poison paradise, I’m addicted to you, don’t you know that you’re toxic, and I love what you do, don’t you know that you’re toxic”
Everyone has one way or another had that taste of people are poisonous they always come back for more, and mess your feelings up or you know the history. Unless it’s completely different story but it’s toxic for the both of you.
However taking control of the situation is the best key for everything. Knowing that you can be in charge of your destiny no matter what. For me I taken control on things where people who come in and out of my life. If they want to come in and out of my life that’s fine because they are busy thats cool with me. If they don’t want to stay put in my life they can stay away; at the end of the day I don’t want my emotions to be played with or get my hopes up at the end of the day.
Health & Wellbeing of mental health and everything else especially when it comes to first month of autumn.
Our first English autumn is now and well and truly over. The fact that I’m going to do the Truth, the bad and the ugly for this one because I found it a bit easier to talk about certain things that matter to me. If I found certain things difficult or easy or something along the lines of that. So here we go.
September has been quite difficult in some areas. The fact that I had started a new job I felt anxious and afraid until I managed to find my feet. Yeah might of put someone in there place a few times in a space of a month; I finally found my feet, putting my things I know into place and working well. Relationship hasn’t been that easy either this month lots of insecurities and everything but always seemed to work out for the best at the end of the day. Polystic Overias Syndrome hasn’t been so nice to me this week either especially with my hormones.
The bad thing is when my depression starts to kick in; I start to feel rotten, I don’t know what’s going on in my head or within myself. Everything seems to not go right. Unless I’m going down with something or my hormones start playing up then that’s another cattle of fish. That’s when the ugly side comes in when nobody wants to take the full brunt of it all. To be fair I don’t really blame them. Unless it’s Caspain then he just takes it on dead on and stamp it out of it as best he could.
The most ugly thing about mental health and Polystic Overias Syndrome is that at the worst times they both come at the same time. I don’t understand when I have this problem where my hormones start to kick in; I can tell you now that this is very rare for me to have it now days, but when it comes it kicks off my mental health and I just can’t cope with it. Especially with both at the same time and it’s really truly horrible all I wanted to do is stay in bed and just cry. That’s the hardest thing that could ever happen to me. Not easy to say the least.
More to the point now that we have just finished one month of autumn; about to begin the next month autumn; we all know how English weather can be so depressing, and a whole lot worse than people like me have to face it everyday. Heyho I just have to keep on fighting it everyday.
Online Diary Entries: Are they true or are they made up? You decide what the answer is.
The second part of my The Truth, The Bad and The Ugly. I wasn’t really going to do the second part to this story; but the fact that I was so upset, angry and missing Caspian. Lots of things happened yesterday (Tuesday 26th September 2017) I literally had a complete reality check of everything. I took it all out in the blog post that I put it up today.
The truth is it’s the first time that I’ve been apart from Caspian for a week; this is because we use to message, talk and etc everyday. I could handle the odd few days without him when he was busy and off on business trips. When it came to near death experience of myself which lost his late mother in 20 years ago I didn’t want him to be put into that position again with me. The fact I try not to talk about my relationship on here as much but when I find it hard to write a blog I don’t bother but when it comes to my feelings about things I just put pen to paper and write. Other than me forcing the pen to write something on a blank piece of paper that didn’t want to be written on if it wasn’t meant to be written on at the time. The fact that I just adapted Caspian’s positivity quote and his advice on things goes to show how much I love him and shows I listen to him more than anything in the world. He is my rock and without him I don’t know what I would do without him to be honest with you.
The bad thing is I let my insecurities get the better of me at the best of times. I also start to freak out and start pushing Caspian away even when he’s trying so hard to keep me away from my sheer demons of depression that I can get myself into. It is hard work to get me out of it but at the end of the day if I didn’t have him I think I would be worst off than I have already.
The ugly thing is that when I have someone that close; I know that I can’t have them for some odd reason, most of the time is all in my head and I’ve always told myself that. That’s why I think I have a lot hatred towards myself and push people away especially guys who I let in close they stay that way because they know I have those issues of do I actually know they want me or not. Since being with Caspian for 4 months he stayed put because he loves me even with my demons that I can’t seem to control without him. I know that if I have to control it on my own half the time because I can’t rely on him all the time.
However I can’t wait for him to come home at the weekend. I just want him home I just miss him so much. Don’t like the 5 hours difference between here and Canada. I suppose this is testing the relationship more than ever. Stupid connection in Canada haha. His words of his dislike of the country because he can’t talk to me as much as he would like to; like he was home here, also he just love me too much and misses me to much.
Online Diary Entries: Are they true or are they made up? You decide what the answer is.
In this diary I’m telling you from the heart and soul of how I feel about something. But. It’s up to you weather it’s true or not; at the end of the day I know for a fact that I know what’s true, and what isn’t true. Plus I don’t care if you judge me or anything because you are you and I am me. We are all different. So let me explain what I mean in this diary entry. It’s not addressed to anyone in particular as much but you may get the idea of who it maybe aimed at. Who knows.
The truth is that what the papers, news, social media and media about Caspain and Mia Moore that is so false. Trust me the reason is that he’s with someone else; I should know but its not been easy but heyho I know whats the truth and what it isn’t. Also what cheered me up the most was his brother made me laugh when I heard what he had done. So both have cheered me up in so many ways when I couldn’t see the way out of my depressed state and not been well either for the last couple of days.
The bad thing is that it gets me down about it all with rumours aren’t true and I know its just a story and hear say that people just want to hope for. Yet the bad thing is that I just wanted to retaliate back but I know better and not rise to it. At least I know that I’m not like Mia Moore who speaks out and screw him and his family over. The fact that her attitude to things and towards the rest family. She’s not winning any hearts there or any followers there if she continues there. However she not in my books anyways so I’m with some of the family members there. Win win there. Haha.
The ugly side of it is that she really can’t act, attention seeker, wants to hog more of the lime light and just want a title. The fact is though if we keep on giving her attention and lead her on with the whole think of she’s going to marry Caspain and etc. Until one day someone will walk in and be the one for him not her. So all I’m saying please just drop the whole Caspian and Mia Moore crap.
Want to know how I can remain beautiful but have so many split personalities.
For years I couldn’t care less about what I looked like. Actually at the end of the day it was just all on front; I did care about what I looked like, how I presented to myself and etc. Since meeting an old work colleague and going out with her a lot at the time we use to work with each other. I started to begin to look after myself a bit more; since I had left the job I had started to look after myself even more so ever since like putting make up on everyday, doing something with my hair everyday and yeah I had days that I really didn’t want to but I did.
Since working at the job I’m doing now I only had one day out of the whole month that I didn’t wear make up or my hair extensions in. I felt kind of gross. I still feel like it on the weekend when I can’t be bothered to do anything yet I force myself to do as I new that I needed to feel okay about myself.
Having all that done and having my hair dyed it gives me a sense of wellbeing, loving myself and most importantly covering up any pain or scars that I may show if I’m not okay. Few times I’ve been caught out and caught other people out thinking that I worked at a school that I do a school run to and I jokely said “no no I’m one of you guys” “I maybe a pretty face but I wouldn’t go back to that line of work ever again” the fact that I get those complements that I was meant to be doing something else and that I stood out from the crowd shows that I’m a hard working person and also looks after themselves.
The fact that I’m more than lucky to have Caspain, Fezz and few guys that will are supportive and been there for me even if I’m feeling so low and think I’m not good enough. It’s all about building up my confidence and how to deal with life when things get tough.
The past men in my life who did me wrong or could of had me but sacrificed me for someone else or something else.
The day that I remembered you had walked out the door; I would cry, sleep and stay awake for days and yet no pill or drink would peal me off the floor or my bed. Nothing seemed to ease the pain for what you did to me. Listen to me honey. I have something new to say to you; I forgive but can’t forget all your faults and mistakes, now it’s time for you pay.
Mr Hughes. Now you got the blues. All of your school dreams never went to far; your just Mr Hughes who just missed his chance to be with a star like me, guess what I’m not missing you. This is for all the times you broke my heart; along with all of the years that you led me on, now you are asking me to start a brand new beginnings with you. I’m sorry you’re way too late and now I’m gone.
How can you be so stupid thinking that I wouldn’t see through? Because I always do; now that I’ve got a new man, he’s ten times the man you could ever be Mr. Hughes.
I’m not missing you at all.
Wondered where to go after hitting published and get more readers?