I do have to confess I haven’t done one of these in awhile but I wanted to share with you the most difficult challenge I had to face. I had manage to take on my ex few years ago now when I knew back then enough is enough living in the fear of him and people around him. That was a massive relief and at peace in what I needed to do then for enable me to move on with my life not having to be constantly living in fear.
Years gone by and more things came up that replaced it. However this week (22.10.18 – 26.10.18) plus both weekends on either side of the half term in the England that is not sure about the rest of the country (Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales) however this week I have to say was or has been the most hardest week for myself where I set myself a challenge not take it out on someone that I care and love the most who’s been there for me a lot recently. They went away on the Saturday for the week; no matter how many times they tried to tell me how much they loved me, missed me and etc. I had finally crashed a bit last night (24.10.18) where my head has started to clear; I became quite anxious because I didn’t know what this was or what was happening, yet they understood that I wasn’t use to the whole positive and someone permanently being there in my life. Not saying my other closet friends haven’t tried or anything they have and still are.
This person makes me happy and feel relax. This week has been quite a emotional week due to the fact that obviously they are away and be back on Friday but also Monday my anxiety has been so high due to the fact that the kittens had an operation and it set off my past of going to the vets at between 5-7 year old loosing my best friend “Charlie” the budge. I just couldn’t live with myself if the kittens had passed away as well even though it was just moving something before they were let outside.
So facing two hardest challenges this week has probably finished me off completely now. However I’m not letting it take control of me no matter how I’m feeling right now because at the end of the day I know I’ve achieved something which is a positive than a negative. Now that I’ve calmed down a bit more than this morning because my friend messaged me I literally didn’t need to over think or have ago at him for no reason even though I knew and he told me that he couldn’t get much signal in the first place. That’s what bothers me the most that I know perfectly well that I’m being insecure and they aren’t a bad person either but he helps me out a lot even distracts my head when I start feeling anxious or start become low.
Just one more day until they come home tomorrow and I get to see them over the weekend. I know that then I’ve done it. Achieved something that I thought I wouldn’t be able to do. Yes my anxiety and depression tried to kill me last night (24.10.18) and this morning (25.10.18) however I took control of it as much as I could because I didn’t want it control me and my happiness that I’ve had. It was bad enough already but I had the focus and the drive to change it and fight it as much as I could.