Everyday Online Diary Entries – (25.7.18) Wednesday – Gardeners say “I find gardening relaxing. Don’t you find it relaxing” me….

After a painful night of not sleeping due to the bruises and cuts that I endured yesterday from falling into the pond yesterday. I do have to say I did fall asleep most of the day after having the whole house to myself for a change; along side talking to a old school peer that I slightly remember, after bumping into them in a supermarket that they work at and we been chatting since. To be fair I blanked school life out pretty much and apparently I only talked to them a few times when we were at school. 

I literally got a nice big bruise just come out on the side of my left leg and I think it’s going to spread even more. Stupid pond, stupid pond plant who’s idea was that to have a pond at the end of the garden. Oh wait that was me dough. Today instead of falling into the pond; I had a fight with the hose pipe, all of the things you have to fight with in the garden. You get the hose pipe in knots which should take you five minutes just to water the garden right; oh no when it comes to the hose pipe and me, it takes me 20-30 minutes to deknot it all and giving up towards the end by taking a break from it. 

My sister comes home see me down in the end of the garden I told her how I had just spent the last 20-30 minutes fighting with the stupid hose pipe. In the end I manage to get it sorted started to water the garden; played with the fish by using the hose making it look like it was raining, along with the training them to go to the side where the food would be if it was raining and they were funny. 

Then was going to water the front that’s when the hose started to play up once more and the hose pipe nosel decides to come off. I’m like what the flaming hell is going on with this hose pipe. You know when you’re not a garden person as everything seems to attack you for two days straight. You maybe thinking I’m being over dramatic here but seriously my god I’m really not a garden maker or anything it really isn’t my thing. I only doing it for my parents. I love being out in it but I wouldn’t want to get muddy or anything like that. 

Everyday Online Diary Entries – (18.7.18) Wednesday – Didn’t realise how tired my body was!

Boom! Yes the picture says “Last Night Everyday Online Diary Entries” it still the same thing but I’m not posting the Everyday Online Diary Entries on the day of  what happened anymore because it’s becomes to the point that at the best of times I don’t fancy putting it up on the same day or don’t want to write it along with the pressure of getting it out on time. 

So why not use the pictures that I originally wanted to use them for as a next day blog post in dictation of the day before on which should of been last nights blog post. Plus saves me making new ones for awhile. 

Today has been quite a long one to be quite honest with you; I was up quite early to the point of my hair was driving me mad, we all know that I have a problem when I actually don’t wash my hair on the day that it should of been and my eczema on my head drives me nuts. Then you’re like blooming dandruff where you could see clumps of it where you’ve been itching. Teach you a lesson in the first place to wash your hair. 

I actually had a decent night sleep the night before for once because my new medication literally knocked me out by 11:00pm (23:00pm GMT) normally you guys know I’m still up gone past midnight. My head has been less foggy and stressed at the time off it all; not sure why I didn’t get this sorted sooner but then again I don’t like going to the doctors in the first place, also to find that they were pretty useless when I needed the help in the first place at the time of need. 

To be fair I don’t even ask for help because I don’t even know how to; you think this is silly but it’s part of my whole problem in life that I grew up with, I don’t like to asking for help and I don’t like people all because it involves me talking and I pretty much have to talk about things. 

I was then woken up by my alarm clock at 5:30am in the end got out of bed to have a shower and get ready for work. I wasn’t expecting anything from a parent and a child but I got given a given a gift which was very nice and appreciated that I was doing a great job looking after their child. It gave me that sense of feeling that I was doing a good job and everything. 

I came home after doing my morning shift run fell asleep as I was feeling dreadful because of my new medication. Had a bit of lunch and back on a shift run to take them all home again. I came home again this time didn’t lock myself out which is good rule number one always put you’re keys back into your bag when you use them. 

I did the dishwasher as I didn’t do it during the day and sat with the fishes fed them a bit and chilled out as much as I could whilst the gobby house was going off one and along with the my mini supermarket making so much racket it was unbelievable. You could say I should be use to it but I’m not because it’s annoying to the point one of them is going to get a complaint one way or another. 

I pretty much had a chilled evening where I didn’t have to do much at all; I was so relaxed that my body ached and tired, I think I’ve been so intense for so long I think I’ve finally relaxed to the point of my body just wanted to sleep. 

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (4.7.18) Wednesday Online Diary Entires – Can it be a spot on the end of my nose?

Where the hell is this big red thing on the end of my nose? It’s so painful and red but nothing come out but yet it’s so painful; could it be a spot coming through on my nose?, I don’t know it’s so painful no matter how much make up I’ve put on to cover it even putting the brushes I use. If it was a spot but why is it more painful on my nose than anywhere else on my face. 

Anyone else having the same problem that I’m having? Worst of all the heat and the sweat doesn’t help making my make up come off my face either. Not quite sure how to do that either to keep that on my face all well you win some you lose some don’t we. 

Last night (3.7.18) England won against Columbia in the World Cup just as we all thought it would come to an end; even if Columbia were giving England so many penalties, and try to cheat in so many levels because they thought they are going to lose something. In the end they did lose due to the fact that they gave so many penalties and possibly so many yellow cards etc. 

Yes Columbia and England haven’t played each other over 20 years but at the end of the day the past is in the past whatever happened back then. This is the 21st or 22nd century don’t mind if you can correct me if I’m wrong on this one. England only have a good team this time around its because they’ve got a good coach and they are all young not got so big headed that everything isn’t all about them. 

Yes we all won our games accept one. Yeah we could be a threat to be honest but who cares they could bring it home no matter what because they aren’t letting the past get to them. They are doing for themselves and bringing the games World Cup more update. 

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (27.6.18) Wednesday – Pondering what to write next

Times like these when I sit in traffic on my way home from a job that I love doing just sitting there looking out of the window. Generally on a main motorways you would find the major traffic somewhere on the line; I was literally coming back from London direction not too far from my hometown I had got stuck, I don’t mind it depends on the person I’m with to be honest with you and everything. 

I had caught myself looking out of the window towards some wooded area part thinking about a YouTube video I watched a few hours earlier and a story plot of some sort. Not too sure what I was thinking about to be honest. Maybe something was telling me conjoin the two together of not. 

It could potentially work actually because I can rewatch the videos as I enjoy them along with distracting my mind to be honest most scary things stops me from being anxious and depressed. I may actually do that and see where or shall I say how it will come out. I actually just used a decent book for writing up my categories as they were getting confusing to follow on screen. All well doesn’t matter just use my angel journal book for everything for now until I get one on pay day. Just for my stories and of course I’ll share the story with you guys when it’s done….

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Everyday Online Diary Entries: (20.6.18) Wednesday – Shut…you’re mouth

Right now I’m in a state of mind of where I want to be like all the time as I’ve got no tears left to cry. I’m picking myself up once again picking myself up because I know I’m loving, living and picking up the pieces once again. Picking it up picking it up, I’m living so I’m turning up a notch yeah I’m turning it up. 

Guess what I have no more tears in my body to cry over how petty you are about saying lies about me; saying to people that I’ve upset you when you don’t even tell me what I did wrong, I’m not waisting my time with you because I’m not like anyone else who has to become so clicky and what not. 

I ran out oh boy I like it, I like it where people tell me information that aren’t true because someone else lying and making me out as a bully. I know full well like I’m not I say how it is but that’s if people need to know what’s on my mind. Doesn’t matter how, what, where or who even tries it. We all know that I’m the one who will win because I’m not that bothered about what other people think of me or anything. I’m just doing my job in and out yes I may of walked straight into the job and be confident in what I’m doing but at the end of the day I’ve got more experience of how to deal with it all than you may think. 

You can’t even get me down even when it’s raining because it can’t stop now as I’m dancing in the rain like I’m dancing on your grave. So you need to shut your mouth. If you don’t want to cause a scene or don’t want to talk to me just shut your mouth because one day I might have a really bad day and tell you how it is even I’m struggling with my mental health. You know how it is if you get the wrong side of me there’s no going back. 

You may see me as a threat but I’m just being me doing my job as I believe in the children as much as you do but I have different attitude and I’m young enough to be their big sister. Just give it up already. As I’ve felt people like you who seem to be everyone’s favourite and think I’ve taken over the show. Honestly I just make people laugh, enjoy being with and most importantly I am who I am. 

I also calling out my mental health to shut your mouth because you’re not nice either I know I’m going to win this fight because I am strong. I am only human after all so don’t rain on me. As I’m the one fighting with you letting you know that I’m not going to be pushed around by you no more…

I am only human after all. I am only human after all so don’t rain on me. 

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (13.6.18) Wednesday – Just remembered Mr Fan!

The moment when you want to sleep but the heat in your sauna like bedroom keeps you up; you have you’re window open so that you can have a cool room but your feet get cold and keeps you up, doesn’t matter if you couldn’t sleep or not anyway at the time and all the sudden you message your friend realising something after 3 months without it. Even with the heat being horrible at the best of times what do you remember what your parents brought you last year for your room.

That’s right. A freaking FAN! Yes Lizzy-Lou has done it again having a really bad short term memory lost about something to keep the room cool. That’s right that’s what happened to me on Monday night (11.6.18) leaving me a good few hours sleep; especially when you know you have a double shift one after each other the next day, you weren’t in the best sparks during the day and being tired from not sleeping the night before.

I don’t know if anyone seen a clip of girl and the caption goes something like “when you haven’t had enough sleep and every little thing starts to p**** you off” that was me yesterday and Tuesday (12.6.18) I was literally dead to the world of not caring what people think of me right now. Literally like I had no soul or cared about anything. I was literally that tired and fallen asleep like no body knows.

The fact that I just managed to cover today and yesterday’s blogs in space off the three days I was pretty impressed. I think I managed to sneak in another one today before the Wednesday Evening Post at 8. That’s right that’s coming back this week with a new picture, under a new category and many more new things coming throughout the next few months.

I am so humble that you guys have been coming back for more each day. You are a life saver. Thank you for all the support and giving me the best views ever. I hope you guys can support Life On The Open Road Project once that gets under way. Lots of ideas I want to do for it so let’s get this on the road soon enough shall we. See you in the next blog guys.

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (6.6.18) Wednesday – Story of My Life – Story Based

Story of my life when I’m kept in the dark about things but I wish you could be with me now; as I can’t sleep without you next to me so I have to go to the river to pray because I need something that can wash out the pain, and the memories that are flashing in my minds eye that I don’t want to see. I keep sleeping with you’re ghost the ghost of you laying next to me to keep these demons away from me. 

My friend have figured you out they saw what’s inside of you because there’s wasn’t anything for you to hide; there was no evil coming through from you all they could see was your kindness, loving, patient and protection coming through. Everytime you were near I could feel these eyes sitting on the wall watching every move that I make; even with the bright light of the sun they are there in the shade but your loving heart makes my spirit have hope that I can do this, knowing that I’m not a lone in this. 

I had to go through hell on my own to be able to prove that I’m not insane because I had met the devils name and now I’m starting to know his name. I then find your burning love coming through holding your hand out whilst everything was burning out by the water. 

Sitting here with you as we stare at these written walls are the stories that I can’t explain what they all mean because I just leave my heart open for days but my thoughts stay there on these walls for days. The morning that I have something to show you and I took you to this room with all of my stories of my past covering all over the walls and ceilings. 

You knew that I love you to the bones and knew I struggled to open up but now you finally got to see and read what was happening in my head. You didn’t realise how much I was dying inside of me; these words that are written on the walls will be on my grave stone because that’s how much I hated about myself, no matter how many times I’ve been to hell you know I’m gone there when I’m in a bad dark place. I just want the ground to open beneath me so wide that I can get away from this life; in away I’m holding on too tight to you from falling into the hole that has nothing in between. 

This is the story of my life battling with mental health; I just want you to take me home even if you drive all night to keep me warm because I’m frozen in time, I wish this wasn’t the story of my life but it is and you give me hope, love, patience until I’m no more broke inside. 

The words that are written on these walls are in colour I can’t change them because I don’t know how to but they are attacking my heart that’s widely open in its cage. I know in the morning as I can see the light creeping up over the hill as I lay on the floor with you and your arms wrapping around me protecting me. Although I am broken without you I think I would of been gone tonight; the fire that was beneath my feet was burning so bright, the way that I was holding you and you were holding onto me so tight like there was nothing can become between us. I’ve been waiting for this time to come around but I didn’t know how to explain myself I felt like I was chasing something. 

The things that I’ve seen, the things that I’ve heard, the things that I’ve experienced with. The is the story of my life battling with mental health. 

Wednesday Online Diary Entries: Taking control of the anxiety once again.

The past couple of days haven’t been great to be honest yet that’s probably my fault  who knows; you guys probably say “it’s not your fault…you’re just having a bad time  it’s not your fault. Your just having one of those days” yes it’s not my fault because when it’s in my head it’s a lot harder to get through it, it’s like I didn’t want to go to work (2.5.18) that’s when I knew I’m still letting my anxiety starting to take control. It was like last night I was trying talk to myself that I’ll be fine and so on. 

I know I’m doing the exact routine day in day out get up get ready go out come back home do what I need to do; get ready to go out again for another shift, come home and do a bit of something then go back out again to do another shift (that’s if I’m doing three shifts in one day.) just to keep my mind busy and myself occupied for the day otherwise I’ll be sitting at home wallowing myself pity. 

To be honest that’s why I try and post everyday even if I’m having a bad time or something just to know that I’ve done something positive towards myself even if I’m feeling like I’m useless and what not. I was even talking to someone the other day and I was just saying I might as well give up writing all together because it’s not getting anywhere I want to be and what not. I knew it wasn’t me because I love writing and so on. 

Even if you’re on your own war path with yourself you hurt everyone that you love around you; they know it’s not you talking it’s the anxiety and the depression that’s talking, (I’m only going off with my own experiences) trust me when I’ve been on my own war path people soon realise it’s not me who’s talking. I’m completely someone else not the bubbles person who takes control of the nature of things. 

The fact that I want to share with you the whole taking control of anxiety is by pushing yourself to get through it by taking control of it before it gets worse and takes control of you. Trust me I’ve been there done that got the t-shirt. I’ve let it control me because I didn’t know how to deal with it at the time. Yet people say I’m brave and strong; I’m standing there looking at them, and thinking you only know half of the battle. 

I’ve even started to have hot chocolate every so often just to calm the nerves down especially at night it does work I’ve just tried it last night (1.5.18) it’s like burning/melting away all the bad things that’s triggering it or trying it because it’s like saying enough is enough. I’ve asked a few people who do they who hates their mental health state more than anyone else. Meaning who’s willing to fight it more than people who just let it take control of them. Believe me a fair few people came back to me as said “you” ie “me” this is because they know how much of a struggle that I have had in the past with it and now that I’m taking control of it that’s when I know I’m not letting it define me of who I am. 

Why should other people let any mental health or disability define them from who they are as a person. Please help by donating money via clicking this button here where you will find a suitable price for you to donate or if you like to find out more please go to Payment/Donations Page. 

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Wednesday Online Diary Entries: “the feeling sick in your stomach” – Story Based

Weather this is a Story Based or not but I just thought I’ll put in there just to cover myself if it turns out to be like it. When you get that whole feeling of being anxious and etc you have that knot inside your stomach for the whole day whether it goes or stays it’s like am I going to be sick or not. 

Today (25.4.16) has been a bit of a emotional rollercoaster for me as I’ve been picking up more work to which I don’t mind it gets me out of the house. In between trying to catch up on some sleep but not normally works because I don’t trust myself at the best of times. 

Yet it’s been one of those days where it’s been raining on and off like nobody knows to be honest but it was expected to happen anyway. Like me trying to attempt of getting this blog post done but that was harder than expected but I’ve got it done even if it’s not well and truly planned. 

I’ve managed to create data collection for my facebook page because back in the summer of 2017 I had started to do it but stopped but I’ve decided to do it again. I enjoy doing it to be honest to help me understand who what where and etc. Also give me some sort of positive to be able to see people actually liking what I do than not liking what I do. 

That reminds me I’ve got to do a April Newsletter at some point soon because it’s nearly the end of the month so it needs doing. That’s if I can actually remember what happened haha. This month is going way to fast for my liking. 

Wednesday Online Diary Entries: “Girl in the mirror” – Story Based

You can always sense with me there things ain’t quite right but I barely speak I can’t seem to sit still or sit tight because there’s many things that run and pass by through my mind. It’s hard to show when you’re the one with your eyes. Life expects me to be strong but it doesn’t always mean that I’ve to sing that song but do I need to take it; just go easy on yourself because I need to take it, I need to go easy on myself and I know what I’m like. 

I’ve been picking little fights with the girl in the mirror with girl in the mirrors who’s been stressing me out to be a woman. Oh I don’t need this today because I don’t know quite what to say to the girl in the mirror. Take this time to think when things out right because when I’m weak all I seem to do is fight for my life; three many ways that I could say but I’m not fine instead I hold it back with the water filling my eyes. 

Life expects me to be strong but that doesn’t mean that I’ve got to be strong all the time. Doesn’t mean that I’ve got to sing that song I don’t really need to take it but you say take it easy on yourself. So I need to take it easy on myself because I’m tired of picking little fights with the girl in the mirror. The girl in the mirror is stressing me out to be a woman but I really don’t need it today I’m pretty sure what I need to say to the girl in the mirror.