Special Addition Revisit: Hello

A Special Addition revisit in memory of Daisy.

We all wondered where Caspian had gone; me, DC and KC looked over to where Daisy’s gravestone was, I told them to go and I’ll stay to which to my surprise DC agreed with me by telling me that he needed me more than ever. As I started to walk over; I looked back over I could see DC burying his head in KC’s arms, which made me have a tear rolling down my face. As I reached over to Caspian took his hand as I knew I wasn’t meant to but this was a one off; as his grandmother gave her blessing for this day to happen, when her two grandsons needed their partners the most. I whispered to him saying that a car will pick us up a bit later everyone else will go on ahead. Caspian snaked his arm around me after he let go of my hand; pulled me close to him than ever before, the fact that he knew I had tears down my face meant two things to him. One that I was crying because I wanted to take his pain away, second I was only about age 6 when his mother had died. I had started to listen to him talk but I knew he wasn’t going to let me go; I was like his prop to help him stand even though he was 6ft2, and I was 5ft4 and half but it soothed him a lot because he always would make fun about my height.

“Hello, it’s me. I was just wondering after all these years if you would like to meet to go over everything; they would say over the years at this time that it would become easy; even when the time should be supposed to heal you, but guess what I haven’t done much healing. Since Lizzy came into my life things have become much easier; less dreams than I have done, except this time of year I either keep her up or shout out in my sleep she comes running after she gets woken.

Hello, can you hear me? When we were younger and free there were so many happy memories; I have forgotten how it feels when you were you were my world, your warmth, your loving, your hugs and many more. There’s such a difference between us now more than ever; there’s a million miles away of where you are, I think you sent me Lizzy one way or another.

I have forgotten tell you. She’s just like you mum. Everything about her reminds me of you. I’m not going to let anything happen to her. I promise mum. She’s staying put for ever. Not moving. I don’t know how she does it when I get mad she looks at me the way you do or the way she says things to make me calm down. The way you do it’s like I’ve got you back. I miss you so much mum. I love you.”

We stayed a bit more longer. I hugged him tightly but gently at the same time. He kissed me on the forehead a few times; I knew the driver and security were hovering, I asked for two more minutes they agreed and went away. Caspian whispered to me and “I love you” I whispered back “I love you too”. Time was ticking along now so we had to go back otherwise everyone would worry where we had got to.

Would you want to know you are going to die before hand or die suddenly without warning?

With all this earth will disappear on this day and bad luck Friday thing is stupid in my opinion.

Surprisingly as I put this question towards google just to get another point of view on the outcome of this topic; could I actually find what I was actually looking for?, some people saying yes and some are saying no. The fact is the people who have said no are correct because the things that have come up on google have lots of different ways of explaining the whole what illness and natural causes etc. Not particularly what I wanted or asked for to be honest with you; so my summary of this from another view point has completely gone out of the window, so basically I’m just going to have to share my thoughts with you without the whole different side of this.

I wouldn’t want to know when I’m going to die because someone like me who has mental health; you just dwell on the fact that your going to die on a persistence day time, and the hour your expected to die. When I rather live and wait until it happens to be honest. If my life does end tomorrow then hey that’s when it will be; on the other hand if I didn’t then I’ve got another day to live, and to be able to carry on with my day to day activities.

What’s the point in worrying each day when your going to die; when you have lots of things to live for in life, you make them happen as if its your last and not worrying about if your going to die everyday. That’s probably why I take risks on things than normal; risks that may work or may not work at the end of the day, I’m glad that I’ve done them than not doing them. I use to play it all safe and etc but now I don’t. However there are places that I don’t want to take risks on again because I’ve been there done that got the t-shirt as people would say.

What is your philosophy of when you should die? Or just get on with life and let the nature do its cause?

Patience

“Patience – the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like. An ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.”

Just have a little patience as I'm still hurting from the love that I had lost; just have a little patience when I'm paranoid about something that might not be true, just have a little patience that I'm frightened of the new relationship that may lead to somewhere good. I am feeling your frustration and hurt because anytime now all my pain will stop; as you hold me close inside your arms tonight please don't be too hard on my emotions because I still need more time, and my heart has that numb feeling as I'm letting you in as I'm still healing.

Please just try and have a bit more little patience because I really want to start over again; I know that your my salvation, the one I can always depend on, make me strong again believe me I’ve got this far of moving on but give me more time on getting over the scars that run so deeply. It's complicated please understand me. When I say that is hard to believe but I have had to start again believing in myself along side with believe in you as your not like anyone else.

Just have a little patience for me; have a little patience when I miss read things because of I'm not use to the papers, the fear of seeing other girls round you makes me feel threatened and want to still you away from me. I know that you won't leave me because we've been through together so much; you gave up a few things, I've giving up a lot to be with you.

Until that day you kissed me; there was a side that I never knew, when I can't sleep I know that you are thinking about me. When I cry in the rain I know that I'm lost but I know that you are searching for me; when I heard your voice in the distance I start running in that direction, until I finally find you I could finally feel your skin touching my skin and your lips touching my forehead.

I know having the patience we would find away that we can have in the way that our world stops around us. We are only human and I’m only human when my demons want to fight us; I know this world is ours, because I know my demons will loose the war because of our patience and love.

10 Things That Makes Me Want To Stop Thumper!

The time when you know that your going to get a really bad headache coming; when it gets to the point of thumping like Thumper from Bambi comes along, and ends up getting his bouncing gear on and starts thumping against your skull. Yep I got that we’ll get that most days.

So 10 things that makes me want to stop Thumper from thumping my head on average day to day life; so that I can get on and do things can be quite tricky, especially you know whats causing the problems of the headache in the first place. 

  1. Overthinking can cause my Thumper to thump my brain like I’ve been hitting my head against a brick wall. 
  2. Stress can cause my Thumper to come when you just at least expect it. 
  3. Mental Health when my brain starts to go all funny and you can just about to hear and feel Thumper in the background thumping hard trying to be heard.
  4. The fact that when I’ve been crying so much I strain myself without realising and theres that thumping sound again. 
  5. Cold or a flu thats coming my way and thats when I begin to wonder why I get the thumping against my skull. 
  6. Sinus headache when they are all blocked up and begin to throb hard
  7. When shouting at someone or something thats when it makes my head hurt due to the fact that; I’m so like one of my parents that I go from 0-60 in five seconds.
  8. When my face starts twitching so much that it gives me the headaches because my face cant stop twitching.
  9. Sleeping too much or too little or just feeling goggle in the mornings
  10. Just when you feel like your a net between two houses that shout and your like a ping pong ball or tennis ball being hit back and fourth. That can give you headache at the best of times.

The fact that I just didn’t write what the title was actually about but heyho might as well change it like 10 things to avoid Thumper coming to attack my head. Or 10 things that I wish Thumper wouldn’t do to my head. I think I might of made a gobble goose of this weeks Wednesday post; it was a good idea to do it at the time when I had it, heyho Thumper looks to cute to not carry it out so no. 

Conservatives are Zionists

The brief summary of the meaning of Zionists is “The term “Zionism” was coined in 1890 by Nathan Birnbaum. Its general definition means the national movement for the return of the Jewish people to their homeland and the resumption of Jewish sovereignty in the Land of Israel.” From the website of http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/a-definition-of-zionism  

Grenfell Tower events of last month reports have come out with an outrage of the Islamic State claims that Grenfell Tower Victims were ‘murdered by Zions’ who had been funded by the Conservatives Party. Not sure this is true but the outburst comment is now being investigated by the police; just to cover all bases incase it is true, along with the whole terror attacks and every other complications that may occur at any time. 

A director of the Islamic Human Rights Commission (IHRC); has exploited the tragedy during the anti-islam demonstration, after the fire using it as an excuse in the wrong way. In my opinion it’s wrong to involve something like Grenfell Tower to their stride; trying to hold something against the UK, this is will happen more than once I can guarantee you that the isis will claim that they told him to say that or something along the lines of that. 

The outburst of the comment is now being investigated by the police; The Metropolitan Police took the allegations of that comment during a protest of the Grenfell Tower, all it in my opinion is seeking attention and want a war. My understanding of it as I researched more into this outburst of the crisis; is that back in June 2007, the leader at time of Conservatives Party was David Cameron called himself “Zionist”. 

During that time Cameron had responded to the questions that had been put forward to him at a Annual Luncheon Of Conservative Friends Of Israel; this became centre of attention for awhile back then, either David Cameron came out and said or someone who couldn’t believe what he had just said. To which implying that the academic boycotting was completely uncalled for; to the point of that the attacks against Israel are often slides into anti-semitisn. This is when he got a chance by slamming the British Initiative for boycotting against Israel.

It goes to show that if you say something in the past or bringing it to a function that will be effecting the future; you always know that it will always going to come back to bite you on the arse, one way or another. Tony Blair is realising that now after years of not being in power; that going to war with George.W.Bush things that actually didn’t come out to the public for one reason or another, yet we all paying the penalties for all the ridiculous moves. From Thatcher to Blair to Gorden, Cameron and now May. Have you notice it’s always between two parties that screw everything up; Labour and Conservative which makes you soon realised why Corbyn wants to be in power instead of May, then he can make everything worse not better. 

The meaning of Antisemitism can also been spelt in two different ways; anti-Semitism or anti-semitism, which is a hostility, prejudice or discrimination that is directed against Jews as a group. If one person who holds such positions they are called antisemite. Antisemitism is generally considered to be a form of racism. The root word a Semite gives out the false impression that Antisemitism is directed towards all the Semitic people for example which includes Arbs. A compound word antisemite was popularised in Germany in 1879; which is a scientific-sounding term for Judenhass meaning, “Jew – Hatred” since then it has been most common to update to the present day.

Zionistzm is another way or another form group like Nazi back in World War controlled by Adolf Hitler; this means that no matter what Jews do or in my opinion haven’t done anything wrong they are like everyone else believing in a god but also they are different. This goes to show that no one has ever changed the way the matter what we do in life to change the world; there will always going to be a group of people out there, that don’t like something and do something about it. Like for example our own current situation right now with ISIS group they don’t like what the whole European group is doing to their country; they are the ones that have started from one man, who went on the run for a few weeks. Now it’s like history is repeating itself and it will always going to be repeating itself.

People Accuse you for something that you didn’t do


Sometimes you really wish people stop making digs that at you; especially if they claim that they’ve been messaging you or your just ignoring them, until you say “I haven’t received anything or I’m not ignoring you” 

You think your the worst person in the world for being paranoid and etc; but actually it’s not you that’s being paranoid, it’s the other person that’s being paranoid and you just sit there like. Erm hang on for one minute I did send you a message but you haven’t responded; secondly if you sent me messages I would of responded to by now, so you don’t need to be jumping down my throat if I didn’t get any messages until now. 

I hate that so much once by someone is enough but twice by the same person; really? If they claim to love me and everything they really need to stop being paranoid if I haven’t responded; if I haven’t received a message then I haven’t received a message, I can’t respond if I don’t receive anything. It maybe your phone or your connection or something along the lines of that; I really don’t appreciate the whole thing of your ignoring me kind of tone, is especially when I’m waiting for you too message me but I don’t lie about it either.

It does make me laugh that I have the evidence of having no messages from the person; when I show them the picture of no messages that they claim to of messaged me, it then backed fired onto him twice now that he accessed me for something that I didn’t do. This comes to mind that someone who actually doesn’t trust the other person; along with claiming to love them but if they are that are being like that, then I don’t want to be with someone who’s like that. 

I personally think that if someone keeps on accusing you from not messing them back; thinking that they love you, but at the end of the day who would you want to be with them. Everyone has demons in the past; some can put all that in the past, some can’t put it behind them. 

You then might find people accusing you of cheating because they’ve done it themselves; but yet they know perfectly well they are in the wrong, and trying to control the situation by simply shifting the blame onto the other person or you done it yourself. No matter what it’s not right either way forward but yet people who have been hurt before or paranoid that someone is going to do it is another sign of not healthy relationship. Unless you have a great person sticking by you and helping you to come out of the dark places that you have been in for a very long time.

Accusing you of being dishonest or lying is another reason of hurtfulness; yet I have been lied to and been dishonest to, two of my worst things you can ever have in your life. People can actually understand why I’m being paranoid about it all because of fair amount of people who have done that have done it to me; then it’s the same flip side where people, who are trying to warn you about things and you couldn’t believe what you were hearing at the time. You begin to wonder why you even bothered in trying to ask them for help; when they know perfectly well they are still saying to you what you just said, yet they don’t believe you when you actually found out that someone can sort your life out but your trying to understand that they are trying to shift the blame onto you for their mistakes. Even when they are trying to help and prove to you that they have changed.

Accusing you of talking about them through friendships and love friendships; you have people who believe that your talking about you behind your back, yet they are the ones talking to you behind your back. You know when they are talking to you about you behind your back; when you have quiet friends that people forget about who sit in the corner of the room, then message you to let you know that that somebody is doing that too you. 

Accusing you of doing whatever it is that they are guilty of themselves; we are guilty one way or another these days, no one is perfect at the end of the day. Who is actually perfect? Haven’t seen or met anyone that their lives are so perfect. We’ve all done something that they but accuse the other person. 

The Only Exception 

Hello. Its me. I was wondering if it’s okay if we could meet. I thought you would like me to go over, what we had been through. At least I’ve tried to save our relationship. There wasn’t really any secret that the time running out. I must of called a thousand of times to tell you I’m sorry.
You were the only exception that you would make me happy; made my world go around, I gave you my world but all you wanted to everything from me. Why did you lie to me; your abusive words hurt, you couldn’t be trusted. You never could never change; if you had changed you would of been here with me; the only exception was that I wanted you to do was to be with me, knowing that you were going to be here looking out for me. 

I always take you back but you never changed. Right there was your biggest down fall; come on we both know we could of worked out but you never tried, do you have to make me feel like there was nothing left of me. The only exception you should of made was to realise that I did everything for you; you took everything that I had, you could break everything that I am, like I was made of glass, like I was made of paper. You can try bring me down but I’m closer to the clouds up here. 

I had always thought nothing would go wrong and I took a massive risk on you. I made an exception; I was the one that had to believe it but you took it away from me, I made an exception on you but the rumours has it that your head still in the cloud. All these words you whispered in my ears were all lies you weren’t going to do; I kept on taking you back but you keep on doing it, my heart was always on the frontline and my heart will always love you. Yet you couldn’t bring me out of the darkness that you put me in; as I risked it all of for you, I would run through fire for you like I wasn’t going get burnt. I would always love you like it was a good bye but you couldn’t save the relationship because you were too stubborn to listen to what I wanted or when I needed you.

If only you made the exception for me by listening to me; then it would of worked we could of done things together, than do everything to impress me and prove to me that you can be the man I wanted you to be. I didn’t even want all that I’m not that kind of person; I just wanted us to be together but you just didn’t listen to what I actually wanted, I can’t go back to the way it was because you destroyed it but you can’t do one thing that I want you to do. 

Nobody does it better than you. I can’t go back to the way it was. If I ever fell in love again I think I would have a heart attack if I had done that. Every time I cry I always cry for help. 

Its the sign of the times when it comes to the end of the show; stop your crying its the sign of times, you don’t know how I feel because of the bullet that you caused you haven’t even made the exception of what I wanted. You just had to make one exception or two. 

Ear Wax vs Deafness 


This has to be the worse feeling ever; when it comes to any part of your sleep pattern when your up so early on a Friday morning, your like jeez thanks man this is going to be a long day now. Believe me when it comes to my ears and nose problem that’s when it’s sucks the most. Which lead me to write this blog on which I was going to use as an everyday blog but now decided to use it for Wednesday Evening Post. 

The past 26 years I’ve always struggled with hearing impairment; as long as I can remember, I have times over the years when I have colds or hay fever badly I panick when I can’t hear properly and become very anxious about my ears. To which I have to book an appointment just incase that I haven’t burst an ear drum or there’s swelling to my ear drum; this can be damaging when you know you have a history of hearing lost, I have had a burst ear drum before the signs were painful ear when I put ear drops in and blood on my pillows. That’s a sign of you have a burst ear drum. 

You probably thinking how can you fix someone’s hearing if they were deaf? I can promise you that there’s lots of routes down the line that I could of taken if I wanted to; I can still do that if I wanted to, yet I’m determined to prove myself that I can do things like everybody else. I’m only going to use that one thing as a last resort; I’ve come along way without it, why should I claim disability allowance now. Also when I was little I was deaf; I was in and out of hospital; having grommets put in to help me clear the glue ears/deafness, to which help me to hear properly with the help of speech and language along side going to a unit through out school. The signs for someone who’s deaf in my experience is from high pitch noises that no one else can pick up for example certain freezers in supermarkets, along with not hearing helicopters especially when they are just about to fly over until they are right on top of you, people think that your ignoring them but your not you just can’t hear. Along with when your talking your mumbling to that your thinking your talking normally but actually your not. 

Earwax is similar situation to deafness but in my case it’s the same; as I start to mumble and not being able to hear anything, it is painful more when you have fluids building up behind the ear and the earwax building up on the other side. Building up the pressure hurts ten times worse; I generally use the ear drops that crackles to help with the earwax to loosen up, but that sometimes hurts when your unwell or your hay fever kicks in. Sadly my hay fever kicked in this year due to the heatwave; to which point that means going to hurt even more, on my ears mostly on my left ear but I’m not too sure why more on my left ear. Heyho. 

If you have any concerns on yourself or a child has similar situation I recommend see the doctors because they will run tests for everything for hearing; also my parents got me tested for autism because they thought I was autistic, but I’m not but they are giving me time to read the file that I’ve got on me. I haven’t really looked it but when I’m ready I’ll be able to read it; knowing what is what, and to learn the process of how far I’ve come. Good luck and I hope this is useful to you.

How to conquer fears and self doubts!


The point of sleeping is that you were meant to be asleep but due to the heat I was up very early indeed; so I thought hey let’s get most of my blogs done or get some of them started so that by the time it’s gets so hot, I can stop and chill until its cool enough to do more. Let’s see how that plans out shall we. 

Everyone has fears and self doubts but people who say they don’t are calling themselves liars; no one is perfect, everyone has fears and doubts about things. If people saying to I don’t have any fears or any doubts; don’t believe them unless they can prove it to you that aren’t, if otherwise they are lying to you. They are just big headed people; who are just so up themselves that, they don’t care about anyone else but themselves. 

With me when my fears and self doubts kick in I beat myself self up for a few days; not quite like that but oh you know what I mean, jeez guys come on you know me. Can I just explain what I mean about how I conquer my fears and self doubts please? Thank you. I’ll give you a couple of my fears and self doubts as examples to help you picture it more clearly than a plain written texts sitting right in front of you; to which isn’t fun what so ever, other than someone like me telling you to just get over it. I’m not that sort of a person; I’ll guide you in the way it is a positive direction, so that when you take on theses challenges you can say I did that because someone believed in me and I believed in myself to do so. Yeah I believe in everyone who puts their mind to it. 

Okay for me my main massive fear is heights. Heights are like the most deadliest fear of mine in the world; you may think I’m going over the top with this, I wish I was but I’m not honest because I can’t bare the thought of something being so high and you have to climb it. Yet I push myself to do it as much as I can but when the time is right; all I have to do is I can’t do it anymore, there are times that I can do so many but when I know that I’ve put myself through enough I would break down crying because I know I’ve done what I can. This is whole height business is never going; even if you paid me I wouldn’t do it because I will not just get over it in any hurry, I can promise you that. 

But however I can say is that if you are determined to do something that you have a fear off; go and do it be brave, don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do it or tell yourself that you can’t do it. That’s called self doubting yourself in the long run; to which I do a lot but I can conquer things like that, where as soon as a fear starts to come in weather it’s a job interview, my writing isn’t good enough or anything that I might endure as a fear and then come out of it to think “oh I don’t think that went well” or “my writing isn’t good enough” but yet at the end of the day you get the job and your writing is really good look how many views you’ve got already. 

By realising that your in that flight and fright mood; your thinking what the hell was that about, nothing good really happens to me?, have they got the right person who is this person that they wanted to see and read about? All you have to do is believe this you can do it no matter whatever throws at you.

Grenfell Tower, North Kensington – My thoughts are with families and victims. 


Grenfell Tower, North Kensington – My thoughts are with families, friends and victims

I woke up this morning to a great sadness of block of flats called Grenfell Tower in North Kensington had gone up in flames. Not only I was just saying that we were seem to have a sense of peace and quite; but knowing something was bound to happen, wether it was a terror attack or something just so simple like this.  

No matter how hard the fire services, ambulance services and the police services tired their hardest to help save lives. There wasn’t enough man power to tackle the blaze as they still needed more fire services; fire services that Boris Johnson and Theresa May had plotted to cut in the last few years, to which lead to this horrible disaster. 

Why spend £10 million on a 1979 building; yes it may needed doing but your not the ones going to be living in the block, I’ve always hated those windows that if something happened like a fire how on earth are you suppose to get out. What’s more there’s no fire escapes to get out of the building; we always get told about health and safety all the time, but clearly it doesn’t compile with the council or the government does it. 

The most horrible things when your the victims of any disaster; you will loose someone, your house or something that means to you. I keep on saying the more disasters that we have the more government keep on apologising for what has happened; yet they don’t do anything about it, yet we as citizens and local services have to pick up the pieces and join forces because the government are so up themselves to the point of they don’t care especially Theresa May. 

The victims who have been effected and fire brigade need the support and satiability to focus on the whole matter of reasons. From providing care, new place to live, place to grieve and most importantly how and why it had happened. Victims won’t be able to return to their homes; children don’t know if their parents alive or not after they sacrificed themselves for them. 
“How safe was the tower block?

The local Grenfell Action Group had claimed, before and during the refurbishment, the block constituted a fire risk and residents had warned that access to the site for emergency vehicles was “severely restricted”.

In February 2013 residents warned fire safety equipment, including fire extinguishers, had not been tested for 12 months.

KCTMO said it was aware that concerns had been raised historically by residents and they will form part of its investigations.

The tower block was given a medium fire risk rating – defined as a normal fire risk – in 2016 following completion of the refurbishment by the London Fire Brigade and Kensington and Chelsea Borough Council.

The council insists the block has been regularly inspected, but London Mayor Sadiq Khan said safety and maintenance issues would have to be looked at.

Concerns raised about Grenfell Tower ‘for years’

Geoff Wilkinson, a fire and building inspector, told the BBC that the Grenfell Tower block “didn’t perform in the way you’d expect a building to perform” once it caught fire as “you’d expect it to be contained to an individual apartment”.

“Something has gone dramatically wrong here,” he said.” Part from The bbc news website – see more by clicking or coping the link http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-40272168

If this could all been prevented within the time zone over the years if people’s voices were being heard; councils and the government are not listening to the people in the areas that are being effected, if the government stop apologising for what has happened and actually do something about it to make us all safe then it would be fine. I will not stop campaigning for people’s voices to be heard; until something gets done about it, I am a one man show at the moment but I will get people’s voices to be heard one way or another.