You don’t have to ask me because you know it’s true; I don’t have to tell you that I love your precious heart, I, I was standing where you are now looking at you in front of me. This was where the two worlds collided and they could never tear us apart. I could tell you right now what I had said then; what I’m going to say now, we could live for a thousand years and if I hurt you I would so make wine from your tears like Jesus made water into wine to keep the party going.
I couldn’t tell you the secret until you believed me that we could fly; you believed in me as I believed in you because we all have wings, but some of us we don’t even know why we have them. I was there curled up in a ball crying in our bed as I had locked the bedroom door; as I was frightened of what you might of done to me, yet I took the key out of the lock but I heard you slumped up against the door on the other side.
Yet nothing could tear us apart but you were there realising we both had gone to far with this massive argument; I didn’t mean what I said, I know that you didn’t mean what you had said we both angry and upset. You know I didn’t mean what I said. I was patient with you and you realised that I was letting you ride it out.
You knew that I was frightened when people get angry and take out on me but I knew that I had to be patient with you. The house keeper was fetched as the butler found you asleep outside the bedroom door. Once the house keeper had arrived the butler woke you up and let you in. I didn’t even hear you come in or you to speak to the butler to get my medication or a drink as I had fallen asleep from to much crying. You laid next to me wrapping your arms around me keeping me safe and apologised over and over again.
Smothering me with light kisses which woke me up and you hurried but slowly pulling me up and you remembered how many I needed to take out of the packet. To which you gave me and told me to drink them. You helped me to lay down and you laid next me stroking my hair as you could fell my body trembling and less tense as I started to fall asleep.
The fear that you and I is that we have fantasies of being together but when it happens it’s like we don’t even know if we want this or not. This gave me an idea when listening to the song “Fantasy” by the late George Michael and also it reminded me so close to home but just only the beginning for my friend Megs. So this is my take of my side of a story of all of my relationships I’ve had so far.
No matter how much you give; you give all the loving in your heart day in day, also all the loving that you give every year from the bottom of your heart. On which your heart that has more desire until one day you say you love me; then all of the sudden you tell me that you don’t, you continue to do this confusion of what you want. Yet there’s no point of hanging around if you keep on making me feel your love is in my hands and you say you stay.
You change your plans all the time; like there’s no point of hanging around as you have no time for me, so I’ll find another fantasy of my own choice. It’s kind of funny that all you do is make me cry but I’m only one that can make you happy; even if it’s only for awhile, but baby I can give you all the loving that your heart desires, when you don’t have the time to fill my desires I’ll go find another fantasy.
There is no price of love but there is a price of hate; to which I maybe guilty of as you make me wait, due to the fact that I don’t know your intentions. I try to look up at the sky up above for answers; I know my fate is in the hands of god until the time to push through up above, I need to know what’s going on for heaven sakes. Is this love? Is this love or invention?
I know you haven’t got any time for me; I’ll find my other fantasy, as I do I’ll watch you take someone’s heart and kick it around. Keep picking it up and watch it fall down because I don’t know what I am suppose to do when I wait for you to decide what you want to do. You either want me or you don’t want me? I don’t have time for time wasters like you.
It was the first time that I had stayed alone in the house called The Old House Hall without Caspian; as he had convinced me that nothing is going to happen in this house while he was away, and tried to get me use to the house other than staying in the family hotel for a few nights.
To which I agreed on one condition that he would let my best friend/Ex become my second bodyguard; to which he was more than happy too as he would love to see me smile more, feel safe and etc. It was Monday that he had left for America for a two day business trip; two days weren’t that bad if you had to think about it, long but okay to cope with when you know you got good security and body guards to protect you.
The first night was a bit intense because my security, Darrell and Jones knew that old places like these would freak me out. They haven’t witnessed it personally but they could feel the vibes that I would give out; wether it was during the day or an evening that I didn’t need to attend to something with Caspain, I would ask a few times or so when he would be back and they reassured me that he will be back in time. Even though I know the drill with everything and being me being paranoid about one thing it’s another thing.
I know that I’m not going to let Darrell or Jones sleep for the next three nights; god help them now, what I will be like throughout the night and as I’ve taken my antidepressants medication snuggled up in my own room that I created to make it feel safe for me. This was incase I had to stay in the house on my own and I didn’t want to sleep in mine and Caspain without him.
Both Jones and Darrell stayed in the room; they had their own little rooms in a little cove boxed room, that went inside the wall but no doors just curtains draped down. Never really slept in here before unless I fell asleep on the sofa or something but they wouldn’t move me unless I was dead asleep on the sofa.
Throughout the night I was awake but that was my normal routine; Jones and Darrell took it in turns but in the end they decided that it wasn’t working for them, and so they decided one stayed with me and one stayed in their own room for the night. They did get the all clear from Caspain and his grandmother at the time of the arrangement on medical grounds of course when Caspain wasn’t around.
None off us really knew what was happening in the rest of the house; things where being thrown, things been breaking, heavy footsteps walking around and then suddenly on one the CTV cameras there was an eerie ghost like figure standing outside my bedroom door. That’s when a few security guards came running down to see the intruder; at that time they thought they had seen an intruder, but by the time they got there it wasn’t the intruder wasn’t there. Yet the others who were watching in base saw it had vanished no where to be seen.
One of the security guards poked his head in to scan around to see if they could see anything but couldn’t then closed the door and looked around the house before returning back to their base. It wasn’t long until they got back that they heard a sudden scream off terror; they rushed down to my room to come and help, as they got to the room the door flung open saw Jones slumped and knocked out cold in the corner. Darrell was up in the air by a visible hand but all they could see was a male figure but with no hands.
I ran to the security who got me out of the room and into the base for the time being. Someone had rung the services to come; Darrell was dropped to the floor, the male figure has disappeared once more by the time the police and paramedics came. The police had advised the security to take me to the near by hotel for the time being until they get the investigation going. None of them really didn’t want to be there but as it was a well known family they had to do their job carefully and steadily.
Jones was taking to hospital until he had come round; Darrell was given the all clear to return back to work, grabbed my emergency bag and my medication that I needed. I was checked out at the hotel was advised not to go back to the house; due to my anxiety being so high, it needed to settle first before reevaluate what’s going to happen next.
Police for the next few days sat outside the house day and night to see what was happening; also changing the tapes on the CTV boxes with the head security, along aside with them looking at the evidence on them. However they couldn’t believe what they had seen.
What do you think they’ve just seen?
Ever felt so drained and had to change your top at least twice because you sweat straight through your first top at the being at the day. Yep that’s me all over. Based on today’s outcome (Thursday 24th August 2017)
Today of all days I had the worst combo ever. The fact that I was trying to not think about going to the hospital appointment today as I hate hospitals and doctors; no matter how much I go to the doctors in the first place still doesn’t help with my anxiety, I did have one of my parents there with me but I know that they were just trying to help and everything but talking for me when I’m on edge really doesn’t help me.
Never felt dreadful from just waiting for the appointment to hurry up and finish; when it hadn’t even begun or for me to be in the room, the reason I had to go was for my hearing test. Yet today it was good but then nothing is moving i.e. My drums due to fluids behind my ears. So I’ve got to be referred to another part of the hospital in the next few weeks or so to find out what else is wrong. So it’s going to be along process and not allowed to do anything to my ears like cleaning them out and etc.
During the appointment I had to look at the person who was talking to me head on; due to the fact that I can’t sit side ways like a normal patient would have to do, I physically have to sit on dead on straight to be able to look at them and lip read. I can tell you know that is exhausting beyond believe; the amount of concentration that went on I could feel my eyes, and my body just ready to fall asleep right there and then.
As soon as I’ve got home I just practically slept the whole time along with waking myself up with the whole talking in my sleep. Which isn’t good. Now I’m all hot and sweaty to which I don’t even understand why I’m like it but then again it could of been the dream that I had. It was an odd one. I think my mind is just digesting the whole what’s been going on in the past couple of weeks. Not the first Dream I had within the 24 hours.
Life of a 26 year old who’s life can’t get so difficult than it already is. Love, Helpful people, confused, you then just think “my head is just going to explode one way or another.”
No matter how much I tried to keep myself together everyday; until one day anxiety starts to kick in, that’s when I know when I start to get so clammy. There’s no way I could stop it from happening; worst part is I’m starting to swell up on my way home on the bus, but it’s hard to show because you know that everyone will stare at you. All you want to do is just get off the bus and run home or just beg the bus to go quicker. Yet you have the most annoying bus driver in history; Mr Grump that’s what I call him, he’s always a grump no matter what it is. Which sets me off completely that he’s going to kick off again or something. As I prayed as he hovered near the bus that I want to get; he wasn’t going to be driving as I saw Norbert I relaxed he was going to be driving the bus, I was like thank god he was going to do it.
As I was going to get on I chocked as I was going to ask for my ticket; as I was trying to keep my tears back, he knew something was up and he said “sit behind me and don’t worry about the ticket.” So I sat down behind his little cab seat behind him. I kept to myself. My phone vibrated I looked up and saw it was Norbert messaged me “you okay? Also you missed your bus stop stay on I’ll take you back round” I replied “sorry. Thank you”
The fact that I missed my stop that showed that I wasn’t really myself at all…..
“Patience – the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like. An ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.”
Just have a little patience as I'm still hurting from the love that I had lost; just have a little patience when I'm paranoid about something that might not be true, just have a little patience that I'm frightened of the new relationship that may lead to somewhere good. I am feeling your frustration and hurt because anytime now all my pain will stop; as you hold me close inside your arms tonight please don't be too hard on my emotions because I still need more time, and my heart has that numb feeling as I'm letting you in as I'm still healing.
Please just try and have a bit more little patience because I really want to start over again; I know that your my salvation, the one I can always depend on, make me strong again believe me I’ve got this far of moving on but give me more time on getting over the scars that run so deeply. It's complicated please understand me. When I say that is hard to believe but I have had to start again believing in myself along side with believe in you as your not like anyone else.
Just have a little patience for me; have a little patience when I miss read things because of I'm not use to the papers, the fear of seeing other girls round you makes me feel threatened and want to still you away from me. I know that you won't leave me because we've been through together so much; you gave up a few things, I've giving up a lot to be with you.
Until that day you kissed me; there was a side that I never knew, when I can't sleep I know that you are thinking about me. When I cry in the rain I know that I'm lost but I know that you are searching for me; when I heard your voice in the distance I start running in that direction, until I finally find you I could finally feel your skin touching my skin and your lips touching my forehead.
I know having the patience we would find away that we can have in the way that our world stops around us. We are only human and I’m only human when my demons want to fight us; I know this world is ours, because I know my demons will loose the war because of our patience and love.
This week I want to con-bind Teenagers Life Crisis with this The Unknown Fear Category; because I believe teens can relate to this in so many ways, that no one understands unless they have been throw it themselves.
I find myself at the current stage in life but always will because that's who I am unless I turn my mind set and beat the beast that’s controlling me inside my mind. Each day I try and take a photo of myself as I see who I really am inside and out; as you can see in the four pictures, I actually like who I am, how I do things and how truly pretty that I really am. The fact that I capture it and post it through social media it has given me the confidence of taking pictures of who I am; I'm in control of the camera no one else is, I wouldn't take a photo of myself if I have an really bad off day and put it up. No way I'll be doing that I can tell you that right now. That's how insecure I am about it all. This is my little tale of how my beauty and beast is like in my life; my story, my life of all the issues that I have within myself.
Tale as old as time can this be true as it can be; as I'm barely even friends with the beast inside me, them somebody bends the unexpectedly and a little change some say at least but both a little scared of loosing each other. Neither one is prepared to give up on each other but that's what I call as beauty and the beast battling her out.
Ever just the same but always a surprise like it was once before; just to be sure when the that will rise, the same old tale at this time is played in the same old tune in the distances like a distance memory. Bittersweet and strange like I'm finding that I can change; when I learn that I was wrong at the time I don't want to listen to what other people are saying,
There's always the certain sun that will always come out; making me feel better about myself like I'm confident in myself that's what the beauty of it when the sun is in the east, but there is the other certain sun that doesn't come out and it rains then the beast will rise in the east.
Our take is now as old as time along with the song that has as old as the rhyme; but I call it pour beauty that takes over winning over the beast, even when it's the hard times beauty and the beast always battle it out no matter what happens. That's why I call it the beauty and the beast.
People in celebrity world who have to look good and etc in the eye of the public; which every girl and boy growing up wants to be like them, for me it's completely different.
This weekend just been has it me the worse; not because I haven't watched much tv or anything, but because I have days when I feel that I'm not good enough for anyone and etc. I try each day to wake up to feel positive, do my make up each day with out fail even if I don't feel like or I notice that I've got my hairs growing back on my chin because of one of my health issues cause it to grow there. The unnecessary hairs that are a waste of space; that's what I call it anyways because that's what I call it, yet I try and cover it as best I can even if I don't shave it off if I'm feeling rather crappy about myself.
The fact that most female stairs are like putting it on for show saying “oh look at me I can get what I want because I'm so damn hot; making all the men population across the globe fancy me, and all of the celeb male stars even the royals in some of the countries who have them. All because I have big boobs and well dressed” and so on, so on. I could list them all but I don't want to waist your time or my time on how pathetic they are to be honest. “Oh I don't want him, I want him instead” can think of a few people in that picture.
You could just say that I'm just being paranoid and jealous; yes but that's because guys who butter me up, either just want me for one thing and one thing only or just end up being close friends of mine to be honest. The fact is though I'm so use to being on my own but as soon as I let my guard down to anyone something bound to happen; like they disappear off or go away with another female and say “we just good friends” I can understand if they’re working need to go away for something that's fine but when they don't tell you that they are going away and you then find out that it was with the opposite sex. Then how else are you going to believe that they are telling you the truth. But then again old habits of being paranoid is because of someone in the past that you thought you got over it but obviously happens. Then like jealousy came out so bad and what the hell is that all about; when it comes with the stars it bothers me to the point I hate them because they think they are all it, to be fair their are some you think seriously how the hell did you become a celebrity then you realise who their parents are. So they didn't have to try hard to get what they want.