Everyday Online Diary Entries: (16.6.18) Saturday – Not the best start of the weekend

I literally not had a best start of the weekend this morning yet here I am picking myself up as per normal where I just spent the whole morning crying. You guys know me by now when my mental health issues kicks in I start to struggle a bit but I’m not the one who is after sympathy or anything but thank you if you do much appreciated. 

I generally push through it all now because I need to control my mind as much as I can. That’s all the whole point of me starting up Life On The Open Road Project for young people, teens and children because at the end of the day you have to fight through it or let it define you. 

Today of all days for me I just basically slept the whole day done nothing other than forced myself to have a shower to see if I would be alright but didn’t so today was the first time I didn’t even bothered to do my hair and make up like I have been doing everyday. I literally just washed my hair and blow dried it gone rather curly and frizzy.

Obviously got dressed got even more annoyed when my own parents didn’t answer their phones and moan at us for not answering our phones. I literally drugged myself up with medication, paracetamol and hayfever meds the correct ones! To be able to breathe properly actually fell asleep for a good few hours to waking up to no one in the house but I think they went out for a pond window shopping I think it was. Weren’t really a wake to know what was happening but something telling me it’s something to do with a pond might turned into a cat look as well not sure.

Dreamed about two youtubers because I had them in the back ground at the time when I was sleeping. Then had a very late lunch veggie quarter pounder spicy to try out nearly had all four of them but put the half eaten one in the fridge because I couldn’t eat anymore. However I’ve learnt over recent the years spicy actually helps clear your air ways a lot more and also helps your insides too. Just saying trying not to be gross at all. 

Obviously when I have colds or really bad hayfever now I know what to do. Get some spicy things and have them to clear my airwaves then panic that my ear drums are going to burst like they did about 5 years ago. Decided to take my trampoline well me and my siblings trampoline at the time we were all in the same house; however it’s been over a year when my parents said that they were going to take it down, yet it was my sister who didn’t want it to go but my parents want a bit more garden. 

Instead of the trampoline we are replacing it with a pond as it will be nice to have something more peaceful and etc. At the end of the garden have a bit of a wild life at the end of the garden and gaining access to the fruit we have at the end of the garden. Might even be nice for my own mental health at the end of the day by sitting  down the end of the garden doing bits and pieces. 

Advertisements

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (9.6.18) Saturday Online Diary Entries – Life changing things to over come mental health and confidence issues

You guys may know that I suffer from mental health issues and confidence issues to which sometimes shows or come across on my blogs at the best of times. I do have my bad days with mental health and confidence issues at the best of times sometimes it can go on for weeks or a month or so.

I for one hate the whole idea of letting it define me in so many ways to the point of letting it control me and not seeing any possible way out. However the past 2 weeks I’ve been slightly struggling that was down to people who let me down when they said they would meet me and go away. That got me down because there was something wrong me; I then decided to take control of my mind before it got any worse than it could off done to which I could gone off at the two people because they let me down, and punish myself by making myself believe that it’s something wrong with me and putting myself down.

You guys probably thinking you wouldn’t be able to change your negativity pattern and still continue to put yourself down and that your not strong enough. You are strong and you can change your negativity pattern. How I changed my mind pattern is by getting myself out of the house; meeting up with a close friend of mine, having close people who I could trust and most importantly I had my blog and writing to rescue me.

I put all of my effort into writing my blogs and talking to my close friends so that I know that if I need to talk about anything I can talk to my friends who I can trust. It also gives me the confidence to be able to achieve things in so many little ways; like for example my blogs because this week I’ve been focusing on writing, then putting them up to share with people to read them. Yeah at the best of times I should be proud of what I achieved but the fact that I kind of not. I know I’m just writing for me and no one else in mind. Yet it’s great that people read them and continually reading them along side finding my other blogs that I have done in the past because it shows that I’ve hit the right sort of market of what people want to read.

I do find since making Life On The Open Road Project people/readers have become more interested in reading more of my blogs; I just believe that everyone who suffers from mental health issues, confidence issues and etc that they can do things if they put their mind to it. I for one with the recent happenings I chose to take control of my mind where I let it become it’s my fault to begin with. Then I take control of it say “no this is not my fault” it’s there lost at the end of the day; they have an issue knowing how much I have trust issues, and people let me down because they knew what they want but lying through their teeth just let me hear what I actually want to hear.

The fact that I’ve been let down in the past and had lots of trust issues to this date. I learned to push past the whole letting down because I know how much it hurts; I trained my mind not to even think about it as much, what will I gain in life if I let it continue to define me and not be able to trust anyone.

All you have to do is “be you, be yourself, love yourself, don’t let negativity people bring you down and most of all don’t let your own negativity mind bring you down” I do have a logo for Life On The Open Road Project but it’s in the making so I’ll bring out next weeks Hustle and Bustle Advice of Blogging.

You can win this by training your mind and you are strong.

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (2.6.18) Saturday – Don’t lie to people! You will get caught out.

Have you been lied to? Or have you lied to people? Please don’t because at the end of the day you’re the ones who be caught out by the people that you love or lead them on when you know how vulnerable they are to start with or much more than that. Lying isn’t the best way to say I haven’t done this or I haven’t done that or anything like that.

The amount of times I’ve been lying too in the past about things I have pretty much have a gut instinct where something isn’t right; that’s when I soon realise that I’ve been lied to, I’ve always had that gut instinct before I’ve even been lied too and I always find away to make them break or crack because people don’t understand I have this thing where I have this motion sensor if you like to call it. That’s probably why I’m quite good at telling how it is and toughen myself up because I know darn well something isn’t right.

Trust me I even done it on one of my brothers girlfriends in the past my god I was right all along but I remained silent for along time as the events unfolded. I just acted like I cared and liked her for the sake of my brother. You may say it’s a sibling thing but I’m pretty much like to most people.

I’m pretty much prone to standing up to people in away I think they need to hear the truth and what not. You maybe surprise for someone who has mental health can be in control of things when battling something like that. The fact is I’ve toughened myself up a lot over the years and I try not let myself get to that state of mind if I can. Also I’m pretty good at playing the quiet but innocent card which makes people think I’m just quiet and that’s who I am; yet people who really know me, I mean really know me they know there’s me screaming in my head and want to say something to whoever it is.

I’m pretty much saying be on you’re guard at the best of times. Don’t lie to people. Always dig into the things that might not be true or not because at the end of the day yes your going to get hurt. At least you protected yourself as much as you can in the long run; I’m only saying this because this week I just caught someone lying to me, and I gave them evidence that they’ve actually received it and been lying to me making it out it’s stuck at x and that they have to pay for it and what not.

What a load of b****** trust me you know what I did with the information. I sent it to the person who lied to me and asked the explanation and sent it to a friend of mine who was helping me out with looking for information. Along with sending it to someone else to say look if you actually listened to me something wasn’t right about this you wouldn’t of being so paranoid in the first place and blaming me for it all. I know that they hate it when I tell the truth and looking into it all that doesn’t make sense. They were like “oh don’t you trust me” “oh forget it leave it there”. The fact that I you lost my trust ages ago and never made up for it; secondly I know perfectly well I’m the one who will get to the bottom of it all, then you know why I find it hard to trust people when they lie to me about things. Just don’t lie!

Remember “be you, be yourself, love yourself, don’t let negative people get you down and most importantly don’t get your own negative mind get you down.”

Saturday Online Diary Entries: “Back for good” – Story Based

I guess now it’s time for me to give up because I feel it’s time got a picture of you beside me; there’s a mark still on your coffee cup yet I’ve got a fist of pure emotion in my head has shattered dreams but I’ve got to leave it all behind now, whatever I said and whatever I did I didn’t mean it I just want you back for good. Whatever I’m wrong just tell me the song and I’ll sing it. You’ll be right and understood where I am coming from. 

Unaware but underlined I figured out this story but it wasn’t good but in the corner of my mind I celebrated glory yet that wasn’t meant to be; in the twist of separation you excelled at being free, and you can’t find a little room inside me. 

We’ll be together this time it will be forever with our continues fights and forever love we will be complete in our love. We will never be uncovered again. Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn’t mean it because I just want you back for good. Whatever I’m wrong just tell me the song and I’ll sing it and you’ll be right and understood. 

I guess now it’s time that you came back for good….





Saturday Online Diary Entries: “What about us?” – Story Based

There’s searchlights searching for us but it helps us to see in the dark; rockets pointing up at the stars giving us the guide to each other like they were tiny little  billions beautiful hearts, and shown us to the river which was too far for us. They hear us call out what about us? What about all the times you said you had the answers? What about us? What about all the broken happy every ever afters that you promised us? What about us? What about all the plans that ended in disasters? What about love? What about trust? What about us? As we cried out to you in pain but you don’t care to listen.

We have problems that need to be solved with your help but we also you’re children that need to be loved yet we were willing when she we came when you once called. Yet many fooled us because enough is enough. What about us? All the times you said you had the answers when we had so many broken happy ever afters; all the plans that ended in disasters but where was you’re love and trust that you should of given us, what about us? Yet are we ready for your trust again? 

Sticks and stones they may break these bones like Jack and the Beanstalk then I’m ready; are you ready to break me more times than one?, it’s the start of us by waking up so come on are you ready to give more things to throw at us. As I don’t want to control the whole situation anymore I just want to let go as I’m so tired of fighting. I know the one true love is ready one more time and I know I’m ready because it’s now time to let them know we aren’t messing around. 

What about…what about us? 

This story is also in aid of Help for Heroes if you like to donate money straight to the cause please click to this link here https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/heroesmenandwomen

For more information about the charity please go via Payment/Donations 50% goes to two charities for more information. You can find the link and other links on that page. Thank you.

Saturday Online Diary Entries: “Our Lips Are Sealed” – Story Based

Can you hear them? They talk about us telling lies about us because that’s no surprise as you can see them right through them as they have no shield no secrets to reveal. It doesn’t matter what they say because in the jealous games people play but our lips are sealed. There’s a weapon that we must use in our defence as silence reveals.

You look at them right through them that’s because they will disappear as they are afraid that we expose them to the norm. It doesn’t matter what they say as in the jealous game people play noticing that our lips are sealed I don’t give no mind what they say it doesn’t matter anyway as our lips are sealed. 

Hush now my darling don’t you cry; stay quiet angel forget their lies, listen can you hear them talking about us telling lies and well that’s no surprise. We keep our lips sealed because its easier that way until people come to us ask what’s going on. Don’t forgive them for telling lies as they have no better to do as we are stronger as one. 

Saturday Online Diary Entries: “London” – Story Based

Riding through the city on my bike all day because the their took my license but it doesn’t get me down and I feel okay as the sights that I’m seeing are so priceless. Everything seems to look as it should but I wonder what goes on behind doors; you might laugh or might frown walking around the London Town, sun is in the sky oh why oh why?

Would I want to be anywhere else sun is in the sky why oh why would I want to be anywhere else. When you look with your eyes everything seems to be nice if you look twice you can see it’s all lies; there was a little old lady who was waking down the road, she was struggling with bags from Tesco to were people from the city having luck in the park I believe that it’s called “al fresco” then a kid came along to offer a hand.

Yet before she could had time to accept it he robbed her of all her jewellery and wallet didn’t care if she was dead; as he stabbed her no one dared at the time of the robbery because of what he had, accept one male stopped from any more damage to her. That’s when people decide to take on crimes on to them because they don’t want to be known as fearful of something.

You might laugh. You might frown. You walk around London Town something happens we all pull together no matter what the situation is because the sun is in the sky on why oh why would I want to be anywhere else yeah that’s the city life for me.

 

Saturday Online Diary Entries: “Broken hearted girl” – Story Based

You were my everything that I thought you never were and nothing like I thought you could have ever been but yet no matter how much you hurt me you still live inside of me. So tell me how you still get my hopes up but never do?
You’re the only one I wish I could forget to the only one I love to not forgive but it’s too late that you’re the only one that can get me through the hard times even when I hate you. You know I can’t erase you but the times that you hurt me and out tears on my face even now while I still hate you; it’s pains me to say that I know that I’ll be there at the end of the day, I don’t want to be without you and I don’t want a broken heart and I don’t want to take a breath without you.
I know that I love you but l to me just say I don’t want to love you in no other kind of way; I don’t want a broken heart anymore I don’t want to play the broken hearted girl anymore, I know I’m not the broken hearted girl and there’s something that I feel I need to say it but up until now I’ve always been afraid that you would never come around and still I want to put this out.
You say that you’ve got the most respect for me but sometimes I feel you’re not deserving of me yet you’re still in my heart you’re the only one for me. I don’t complain because I’m afraid of that you would walk away but now I don’t hate you. Yes, there are times when I hate you because you make me feel unhappy but right now I just want to be happy to say that I will be there at the end of the day.
I don’t want to be without you. I don’t want a broken heart I really don’t want to take another breath without you; I’m scared alone I don’t know what else to do I’m frightened, I don’t want to play that part because I know that I love you but let me just say I don’t want to love you in no other way. I don’t want a broken heart and I don’t want to play the broken hearted girl.
Now that I’m at a place that I thought I’d never be because I’m living in a world that it’s all about you and me because I’m not going to be afraid as my broken heart is free. I’m ready to spread my wings and fly away. I don’t want to be a broken hearted girl anymore.

Saturdays Online Diary Entries: “Pushing your limits everyday” – Story Based

I find that if we always push our limits to the the limit each we will make ourselves so much better in life than staying in the same life and same spot not challenging ourselves. If we push ourselves to the limit we know that we can and also know that we are in it to win it. I soon realise that my heart was in the right place to carry on now I know that it’s time to finish off what I started; I don’t have have to worry what other people will say because it’s who I am and got to live my own dream my way. We just got to ignore people who don’t want to work harder or want to take it further than where they are now.

I know that I’ve got to work harder and take it further because there’s nothing holding me back we got to do it right now. To make it even better by working together it’s now or never; I’ve just got to believe in myself also you got to believe in yourself as we got to shine our way through because we’ve got to push it to the the limit as we are in it to win it and you know that’s true.

So why not turn it up because that’s the only way we can do it now there’s no time to stop as we are the champions in this world and life. We can be winners everyday that’s how we understand our destiny is right there in our hands as we work harder and further like there’s nothing holding us back.

If we work together we can reach for the skies to be even better it’s either now or never let’s show them how we fly when we push our limits…

 

 

Saturday Online Diary Entries: “Wide awake and your not here” – Story Based

I’m wide awake falling through the dark that I’m in; no hands to grab hold especially yours because I’m falling hard with an open heart, how did I read the stars so wrong? And now that it’s clear to me that everything you see isn’t all what you seem to be. I’ve been dreaming for so long.

I wish I knew then. What I know now but wouldn’t blow down but gravity hurts but you made it so sweet until I woke up on the concrete. Falling from cloud nine crashing from the highest tower because I’m letting go tonight as I’m losing sleep as I’m picking up every piece that’s broken; as I’m landing on my feet, as I’m wide awake in an unknown place that needs nothing to complete me.

Yes I am born again from the lions den I don’t have to pretend anymore as it’s too late where the story is now over the end. No I’m wide awake with the thunder rumbling with the castles crumbling around me as I am trying to hold on. I am wide awake where god knows that I’ve tried to see the bright side of things because I’m not blind anymore.