Friday Online Diary Entries: “Restless without you” – Poetry Based

Laying in my bed at night most nights I’m easily asleep, my thoughts have left me to go to sleep, some nights I’m laying there gone past midnight, my thoughts wouldn’t let me sleep. 

I look at my phone for the time, it read 2:50am, I roll my eyes turn to lay on my back to stare at the ceiling, I prayed to god that work doesn’t expect me to work in the morning, yet got that feeling it will happen, not long until my alarm on my phone will go off to let me know that it’s time to get up for work.

I turn to my left side to hug my quilt and throws, knowing that I’m too warm for wearing them, well maybe one. I just imagine it’s you that is laying next to me hoping that I can just fall asleep, feeling your strong arms around me, your chest rising and falling as my head goes up and down, feeling your breathe on my head and you can feel the smile on my face by my cheeks rubbing on your bare skin. 

Almost, almost fallen asleep, then my head says “just kidding” breaking up my happy thoughts, I could feel and sense you head a shot gun of wanting to kill my restless negativity that wash keeping me up nearly every night. I knew you wanted to protect me from myself, no matter how much it hurts you too see me in pain, knowing that I’m struggling to control my mind at the best of times. 

The fact that as I’m writing this, I can feel my eyes are dropping off to sleep, yet I’m too scared to put the iPad down, knowing that your not here to help me sleep, or take the iPad away once I have fallen asleep, placing it down next to me on my bed side table.

The thought of you placing a throw over the top of me, you knew how much I hate quilts at the best of times, yet they keep me comfort at the best of times knowing that if you weren’t around, you would know I’m thinking about you as I would hug the quilt, you would fight me for the quilt before you got in to bed. 

Always laugh at the situation because you knew how insecure I am at the best of times. Yet I’m the one who puts up with you’re anxiety as you put up with mine but sometimes yours causes more pain. Yet I’m the one riding yours out more because I know it’s not you; you sometimes remind me of what I’ve done but sometimes you excuse me of being someone else, when I haven’t even done it to you which hurts the most in life. 

Yet I keep forgiving you time and time again I know deep down it’s not really you. Yes you forgiven me taking it out on you and things I’m insecure about sometimes I hate it when I’m not allowed to share how I feel and you tell me that I’m annoying. I don’t tell you how it is or how annoying it is for me or tell you how much it hurts me all the time. 

Yet I’m the one restless without every time.