Saturday Online Diary Entries: I don’t need a man

Wether you believe or don’t or you can relate to this. It’s up to you but this is story based on my emotions and etc that I use in this story. To which I know the truth behind it all.

As I work I see you looking at me like I’ve got something for you and the way you seem to dare because I’m not about to give it you straight away. The more I start to begin to trust you with things in which you know how difficult it is for me to open up but there’s things that I won’t do; you know how afraid I am to tell you like I don’t ever want to leave you, yet I have to leave you and you get confused in why I say that.

Then more you try lie about things to keep me by yourself the less I buy it; no matter how many times you hurt me, I don’t have to think it through no more if you know if I’m not into you anymore. I always telling myself I don’t need a man to make it happen because I get off being free. I don’t need a man to make me feel good I get off doing my thing. I don’t need a ring around my finger to make me feel complete. So let me break it down I can get off when you ain’t around.

You know I got my own life and I bought everything that’s in it. So if you want to be with me it’s not all about the bling that you bring; I want a love that’s for real, without that no deal and baby I don’t need a hand. If it only wants to grab one thing. The more you try to get me back the less I buy it and I don’t have to think it through because you know if I’m feeling you.

I don’t need a man at the time to get me through because I know I’m fine because I feel brand new. I don’t know need a man I’ll make it through because I know I’m fine I feel brand new. I don’t need a man I’ll make it through because I’m fine without.

Thursday Online Diary Entries: Week today starts the Valentines Challenge (Vomit ahaha)

The fact that I thought I had another week left of January I thought man I’m struggling here; then I soon realised that this time next week will be 1st February 2018, the start of 14 Days Valentines Challenge and I thought what a plonker Rodney.

Yes it’s right first Challenge of the year this year for 2018 what’s the best way but to kick it off with Valentines Challenge ay. I wasn’t too sure wether I was going to do this Challenge or not because I hate Valentine’s Day for lots of reasons and I thought no Lizzy you will do this challenge no matter how much you hate it.

I have made a list of 14 days of titles for each day to write for and it will be schedule for each day until we reach to the final day. When I say schedule for each day it could be or could just be written on the day who knows. I prefer to schedule you them to be honest it’s one lest thing to worry about at the end of the day.

To be honest I should be writing them now as we speak to be honest but they can wait for another a day. As I’m struggling to write the rest of the weeks blogs this week as I was on a roll to begin with but seem to have stopped. Ah well you got to win and loose some don’t we.

Wednesday Online Diary Entries: Footprints in the sand.

In a memory of someone that I have recently lost and the rest of my family.

You walked with me along the sand; as I could see you’re footprints in the sand and helped me to understand where I’m going. You walked with me as I was alone with so much unknown along the way; then I heard you say “I promise you I’m always there. When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair I’ll carry you even when you need a friend. You’ll find my footprints in the sand”

I see my life flash across the sky so many times have I been so afraid and just when I thought I’d lost my way. However you gave me strength to carry on that’s when I knew you found the rest of the family and someone else who’s close to me and someone else. That’s when I heard you say “I promise you. I’m always there when your heart is filled with sorrow and despair. I’ll carry you when you need a friend. You will find an extra footprints in the sand even if your weary I will know that you’ll be there.”

Tuesday Online Diary Entries: Jars Of Hearts

Whatever you think if this is true or not it’s your opinion. I share my emotions and etc through my stories and I know the truth.

I know I can’t take one more step towards you because all of this waiting is regret but I know that Caspian, TP and Terry are my strong, will power and to see me through. I just need to tell you that I don’t want to be your ghost anymore; you can’t have the love that I love most, I’ve learned to live half alive and now you want me to break one more time.

Who do you think you are? Running around leaving scars and collecting your jars of hearts. Tearing love apart because you think you have it all; all I can wish for is you to catch a cold from the ice that’s inside your soul or to drop dead from your cold blooded heart. So don’t come back for me as I’m already gone way before you arrived; only my close friends just got it back for me, yet I hear you asking around and if I am anywhere to be found. I have grown far to strong and well protected to ever fall back into your clutches. Who do you think you are? Keep on asking for me. When you been told not to reach me or contact me.

It’s took me so long just to feel alright; remember how Caspian had put back the lights in my eyes, the fact that the first time we kissed and you didn’t like that one bit. You broke all of your promises and now you’re back to try and get me back for stealing your one true dream. All I can say is you will never get him back because we all know what we can do to ruin your reputation.

28 Of 30 Days Challenge for Autumn: Diary Online: Hold up the Light

Once again I like to remind you that it’s your choice to believe this is true or not. It’s your opinion at the end of the day and I know what’s true or not as I’m the one writing it off course.

You can dance if you like you can sing every kind of every song but there is no reason for you to steal the show because it’s your show all along. As the orchestra plays the people are starting to take their seats; some people have been turned away as there’s no room left in this house. It’s just you and me left to take the seats in the box and if your life is your stage I’ll be watching.

I hold up a light for you and baby you can hold up for me. So I can be watching you coming through the darkness glee of the tunnel; as the light was getting higher in everything that you do, we had started to rehearse every scene and the on lookers were listening after we had realised that they were. I knew that we were in the exactly the right place; the tears had started to fall down on your face, for me to wipe away and kiss your wet lips.

Day 25 Of 30 Days Challenge for Autumn: Online Diary Entries: Revisit – Look at what you made me do

Kindly would like to remind you that this is my opinion and you have the right to believe this or not as you have a opinion as well. I won’t judge you but please respect other people’s opinions and mine when you comment if you wish to do so. This is a Revisit of my previous look at what you made me do.

“I’m sorry you found the old lizzy in this diary. I’m sorry that I can’t come today do you know why?”

“Why?”

“Oh, because the old herself is dead”

I don’t like your little games anymore; as you damaged my life even more so like you can’t even tell, don’t like your titled stage because the role you made me play like the fool of someone who doesn’t know what’s going on. No I don’t like you and I don’t like your perfect crime. How you laugh when you lie to my face like the gun was mine. This isn’t cool no and I don’t like you. Yet at least I’ve got smarter and harder in the nick of time as I rose up from the dead and I’ll do it all the time over and over again.

I’ve got a list of names and yours can you see is underlined in red. I’ll be Mrs Claus I check it once and then I’ll check it twice. Oh! I don’t like your kingdom keys anymore as they had once use to be mine; you asked if I had a place to stay, yet I told you that the world moves on another day another drama and guess what but not for me as I’m going to take on the world because all I can think about is karma. I’ve got mine yet you’ll get yours as I’ve got smarter and a lot harder in the nick of time. Guess what honey I have rose up from the dead and continue to do that all that all the time. I don’t trust anybody and nobody trust me but I’ll be the actress starring in your bad dreams.

Day 20 Of 30 Days Challenge for Autumn: Online Diary Entries Of Current Feelings

I had a notification from YouTube that Helen Anderson had posted up a video; I normally just unclick the notifications off my apps as they bother me a lot when they hang around saying “take notice of me…..take notice of me”, the annoying thing is that I have so many updates on my app that Apple/iTunes won’t let me update them because “there’s a billing problem please take a look at it” I’m like what happened to the whole it’s okay you can still update me or I can update automatically for you button. If anyone knows how to do that please let me know how to do it because it’s driving me nuts. I am OCD when it comes to me and my phone.

Why do I do that? Get an idea of trying to find what I’m doing and not finishing what I started. Keeps on happening. My current feelings at the moment that I wanted to share with you guys is that Autumn and Winter are like the worst seasons that I’ve always hated the most. It’s dark horrible depressing. The worst of it all my birthday is literally in the middle of it all; over the years I’ve began noticing that my birthday is getting depressing because I always wished to be able to sit outside, in the nice warm sunshine but I can’t even do that. Yeah we’ve got this thing of having the Christmas Tree still for my birthday it’s been like that for years; last year I think my my parents had asked if it’s okay to take it down before my birthday, don’t quote to me on that one generally starting to blank my birthdays out now.

I’m not really going to get my hopes up this year for my birthday because I know nothing special is going to happen. It might do but I just not getting my hopes up really. By the way this is what my current feelings are at the moment in time because I wasn’t really sure what to write and my favourite YouTuber gave me the idea when I was watching hers at the time.

This is pretty much is it for now I think for a Friday autumn night. All I want to do is hibernate and not come out. Haha.

#throwbackthursday: I know I’m a failure

The Diary Entries Online back for so more this autumn before the winter comes. It’s your own opinion if you believe this or not. It’s up to you what you believe. At the end of the day I know the truth and I just wanted to share it with you.

No matter what I tell you. You make me out as a liar but I gave into the fire; at least now I should’ve fought it as now that I’m being honest, all I know that I’m a failure because know that I failed you. No one is perfect then you realise the truth of that I should of told you; I know I know I know, I should of done it better but you know me I just give up too easily when I try my best.

You realise that you had everything in front of you and you watched me walk away. I got nothing here without you; this is the one last time I need to take you home to make me feel whole again, for one last time I promise you after that I’ll let you go as she has stolen your heart away from me. All I really care is to wake up in your arms for one last time.

As you watched my body relaxed into your arms you begin to realise that I don’t deserve the pain that you have given me. I know I don’t deserve it but please stay with me for another a minute; I swear I’ll make it worth it, can you forgive me for just letting me have you one last time before you go and be with her. At least if it’s just temporarily I know this is all my fault of pushing you away. I should of been careful and I know, I know, I know I shouldn’t be the one loosing control.

As I slept in your arms not knowing that you would stay the whole night with me; even if I didn’t wake up like I normally do, you were there incase I did and you were still there in the morning watching me sleeping. You placed a kiss on my my forehand as I opened my eyes to see you in front of me. You told me “silly girl…I’m not going anywhere. I’m madly in love with you”……

Wednesday Evening Post: What would make me happy right now?

Wether you believe this or you don’t it’s your opinion I’m not going to judge you for your own opinions. I know the facts and it’s what I want to share with you guys.

Finally this week from the 6th November 2017 I managed to get this weeks 30 Days Challenge for Autumn sorted for the week. To which has given me the time to work on the other days that we haven’t seen or had for a long time; the challenge was meant to give me the courage, ideas and be able to work out what I can write about and yes it’s given me that area of guidance.

To what I owe this pleasure of what could make me happy right now is to be able to live and spend more time with Caspian and achieve what I would like to do in my time of writing and blogging that I can actually get paid for it. The two things that I love and want to do but also be with. This is because they are my go to happiness as I.

Caspian makes me laugh, smile, makes everything go away that’s troubling me for the time he talks to me, spends time with me and many more. The fact that he makes me feel safe and secure about myself is the fact that I know who I am and kind to myself. When he’s not around I’m alone but fighting my darkness of demons as much as I can on my own. Knowing that he’s there in the darkness as I’m coming closer to him. Feeling his 6ft4 dominating much of the past that I had to face alone; I can just feeling he’s presence coming closer, as more of me comes widely open to him.

Writing has always been apart of me to where I can escape to when I need it the most. It’s like my best friend as I use my emotions of what I’m feeling through the characters of what they feeling like at the time. To where I like my audience to know what actually feels like to know the pain of the character must be feeling and etc.

The fact that I’m so use to living inside my head writing is the only way that I can find myself to express how I am feeling than expressing myself to an actual real person.

What would make you happy right now?

Day 12 Of 30 Days Challenge For Autumn: Dairy Entries Online: Meg’s a Psycho Oath

Yay for this again. I do have to inform you it is your own opinion if this is true or not. No one is judging you for your opinion. I just want to make this clear that I can make my blogs personal or not. But I want you to decide if this is true or not.

You guys remember my best friend Megs right; everyone should remember as she dragged me to go and watch Dunkirk the film, as it has Harry Styles in it. Well she’s back but this time I let her roam with the idea of a title; especially this one I’m afraid, I should let my friends go riot over my blogs to be honest because they are quiet funny characters to do.

Plus I need her help with it in the first place; so being Megs I had to tell her what’s the first thing that comes to mind, that was this title and the blog was born. Throughout the day I had snapchat chats whilst we were both on breaks; or near enough, shes young and in love and we all know that means mushy brains. However the fact that she snapchat me this morning on her break saying “he hasn’t messaged me” I thought here we go mini version of me here being insecure and etc. Now I’m paying the price of her anxious mind and etc. The fact that I came down on her with a tonne of bricks the other night about it all; she knew I was telling her what she needed to hear, because I was just as bad with Caspian when I first started going out with him and I could see that she’s ignoring her own advice so in the end I had slap her with a wet fish a few times even harder to get her to thinking straight.

The fact that she’s 18/19 years old she’s hit that faze of gooy mess #psychomodeofinscureandparionad we all have those moments don’t we. I should know as I’ve had my fair share of them over the years; I just told her let it take it’s cause, yes it might happen or it might not. You can’t predict what’s going to happen ether way just take each day as it comes.

Even Caspain has to remind me not to over think things at the best of times; guess what he’s right, he knows how much I get anxious and freak out on him at the best of rimes. So far I’m doing quite well not freaking out as much as I use to; which is a good thing, but it’s all the same when you start a new relationship at the end of the day.