Online Diary Entries: Adult life + Anxiety = Life sucks

You know when things go around where you got people making quotes whether it’s on facebook, Twitter and etc it either summons you up completely or summons up someone else that you know. There’s always one that summons me up completely where you swear to yourself at least 20 times a day; I’m pretty sure I’ve done that quite a lot today to be honest, when I’ve done something that wasn’t meant to happen and what not. I find that it’s normally the same word that comes out fluently at the time it happens; I’ve just done it with this picture (down below) whilst making it as I put a picture in the wrong place, without knowing what was about to come out of my mouth there goes that word again and your like seriously never swear to myself that much do I?

Then I realise when it comes to adult life and anxiety I find it’s a nervous habit at the best of times. A lot more but then I realise I’m being rather stupid about it all stop; yet adult life does really suck because at the end of the day all you seem to do is work work work and the pay pay pay bills. Like you don’t have anything else better to do in your life you then realise your like Bridget Jones with a bag of minstrels or something then start singing “all by myself” into a hair brush like nobody knows.

That’s sounds like me most of the time without the bag of minstrels or singing the song into a hair brush but a bed cover wrapped round me after a shift of work. Yay me I’ve just given myself a headache with anxiety and literally having a major anxiety attack on two people they were like erm erm right one was like trying to make me laugh and the other one was like I don’t get you. Hehe I like what he did there though even though he didn’t know he did….that’s what I think though.

Oh oh hang on a minute almost forgotten my favourite part when I’m feeling anxious is I watch Most Haunted or throw myself into writing. That’s how I save myself from most things in life.

Online Diary Entries: Vogues – 73 Question Tags

Just want to give a massive big shout out to Purrpale who’s either my subscriber or follower for giving me an inspiration; as I was struggling to think of my fourth blog post for the day, if her email didn’t come through to me saying what she had posted I wouldn’t of done this tag. Thank you lovely keep it up with the good work hun keep being positive. http://purrpale.com – the blogger that I just mentioned.

1.What’s the best thing that happened to you this month? Don’t even remember erm probably a few snow days at the beginning of March 2018
2. What is something you’re tired of? Tired of people make up lies, ask for advice and then through it back into my face or just look for an argument to take it out on you for no reason at all.
3. What is something that recently moved you? Not sure really. Hearing about the kids that I’ve worked with and how they made so much progress.
4. If you could teach one subject in school what would it be? Creative Writing just to be able to go with the flow and see what they come up with.
5. What’s your favourite beverage? Coke (fizzy) any flavour and doesn’t matter if it has to be diet, Coke Zero, caffeine free Diet Coke and etc. I drink any of them I’m just that weird.
6. What’s your favourite cocktail? Sour cocktails with Pepsi (pepsi, diet, pepsi max)
7. What is your favourite birthday cake? Blonde Cake, as it’s the only cake I would eat and it’s taken me years to be able to start liking birthday cakes.
8.What is one thing you still have from your childhood? Learning difficulties
9. What is your favourite movie? All time favourite has to be Harry Potter
10. What is something you can’t do? Reaching up for something that doesn’t land on my head without fail.
11. What is one habit you wish you could break? To be able to stop having anxiety attacks for no apparent reason. If that’s possible?
12. What makes you laugh no matter what? My best friend Megs when she doesn’t make me mad she always find away to be clumsy no matter what.
13. What does creativity mean to you? To be able to escape from everything and be in another dimension or another world.
14. What are your favourite lyrics of all time? Not sure I have loads
15. What is something you’ve always wanted to try but you’ve been too scared to do? To be able to do things that I know I would be able to do without being judged or reminded off.
16. Best advice for your 19 year old self? If I knew what I now but tell myself back then I would probably say “don’t be a plank stick up for yourself” or “keep what your doing your fine”
17. If you could raid one woman’s closet who would it be? Not even sure to be honest
18. Must have purse item? None above to be honest not a purse freak
19. What did you want to do with your life at age 12? Absolutely nothing I don’t think can’t even remember it
20. What is something you will not be doing in ten years? Hopefully something like staying at home in my parents house.
21. What is an important life lesson for someone to learn? Remember broke heart fixes itself over time if you remember your true friends and family who know how it feels like to either loose someone close or they split from someone. Yes your in pain but just don’t be a dick towards people who are there for you no matter what.
22. What is one goal you are determined to achieve in your lifetime? To be able to live my life to full extent of happiness with projects that I want to do.
23. Would you ever live anywhere besides Guildford? Anywhere but Guildford if someone gave me a golden ticket
24.What is your favourite dessert? Hot chocolate cake but don’t really have desserts that often
25. Is there a dessert you don’t like? Apple crumble
26. It’s brunch! What do you eat?  If I could tradition english breakfast
27. Who is your favourite painter? Don’t have one
28. Favourite Disney animal? Tinkerbell
29. What is a book you are planning on reading? Reading what’s that? Hehe
30. What did you read most recently? Can’t remember the last book I read
31. Favourite solo artist? Currently Demi Lovato
32. What’s your favourite board game? Monopoly
33. What’s a city you wish to visit? Not even sure to be honest London would be awesome to go and stay for the weekend or something
34. Heels or flats? Flats all the way
35.  Where does one go on a perfect road trip? Tour around Britain I think
36. What do you do on a rainy day? Sleep, Blog, Netflix, candy crush hehe
37. What’s your favourite exercise? Not moving out of my bed if I don’t need to. Hehe
38. What was your worst subject in school? Who the hell invented maths
39. What is your spirit animal? Dolphin if I did have one
40. What do you usually eat for breakfast? Don’t even know I’m not sure
41. What do you usually eat for dinner? Depends what’s being cooked but if I could nothing to be honest unless if I was hungry.
42. Cooking or Baking? Neither
43. Favourite baked good? Huh what’s this question about? I had at cooking
44. What is something you wish you could be good at? Something I wish I was good at is be okay in talking in public. I think.
45. Skiing or Surfing? Surfing if I tired it. Skiing no thanks I tried and panic because of my brother breaking one of his legs on same ski slope at the same school.
46. First celebrity crush? Hugh Grant I think it was
47. Most recent celebrity crush? Tom Hardy
48. What colour was your prom dress? Black and cream
49. How do you manage stress? Before I would reach 0-60 in a matter of seconds but now I try and rationalise it before I get that far.
50. What do you do to relax? Talk to my close friends, blog or Netflix
51. Age when you were first kissed?  First proper kiss was at age 21 long history
52. Place you were first kissed? At a back of a store
53. Favourite fashion trend of all time? Don’t really follow a trend to be honest once I see something that I like then I’ll do it how I like it
54. Best fashion advice you’ve ever received? Don’t even know if I had one
55. Trend you would like to see disappear forever?  Things that don’t make any sense to me what so ever. What ever that is?
56. Shoes or Bags? Neither
57. How do you know if you’re in love? When you actually get on well with someone and you both can non stop talking about anything. You both like each other more.
58. Television show you’ve binged on recently? Can’t remember the last one I most binged on recently but I can remember one or two it has to be “The Grimm” and “Touch”
59. Who do you turn to when you’re sad? The closest friends that have the time for me when I need them the most.
60. Name one thing you’ve learned the hard way? To not let people in who you think they are your friends but actually they aren’t. They are completely a utter….(you get my point)
61. If you could make a documentary about anything what would it be? If I could make a documentary about anything it would be if I met a royal from another country or here I would treat them normal and teach them what it’s like to be a citizen that’s not in the public eye. Also how we became friends along with them teaching me how their life works as well to show each other how each other’s lives are different.
62. What is your kryptonite? My weakness are letting bad memories and etc coming back to me when I don’t want them to
63. What are you most enchanted by? The most thing that I’m enchanted by is that I’ve got good friends that love me no matter what and telling me that I’m a plank and stop beaten myself. Just to confirm that I’m being stupid over thinking things.
64. What is your biggest strength? Believing in others, put confidence in others and care about people.
65. What is your biggest weaknesses? That I don’t believe in myself and etc really.
66. What are 3 words to describe living in Guildford? Historically, annoying and noisy
67. Cutest thing on planet earth? Huskies
68. Most important advice you’d give your future children? “You’ve got Arrow blood in you. Don’t take crap from nobody understood” the fact that I’ve heard stories of what my dad got up too and my grandad along with trying to defend myself with things that I don’t want to discuss. At the end of the day just got turn your negativity into a positive just got to learn to stand on your own two feet.
69. Best first date idea? A chat over a drink probably best way for me to fiddle with a glass to be honest.
70. Favourite type of flower?  Daisies
71. What do you first notice about someone when you meet them? They are hot and cute. Sometimes you weren’t what I thought you were. It’s hard to tell when you don’t know them that well.
72. What’s your guilty pleasure? Junk food because that’s always me go to comfort along with Most Haunted.
73. Plans for the weekend? Don’t even plan a head to be honest.
That’s my daily tag done guys and that was long haha. I would nominate someone but I think you all should try it to be honest. I just copied and pasted then changed the answers to my own.

Online Diary Entries: “Nana” – Story Based

The day I wished you’d walked in to my life again just imagine that you just did; I would fill you in on the things that you would have missed, like the sleepless nights that you would have with the hopes of a grown up man dressed in white who claims to be who says he is from the tales of this long standing tradition that you have and I would of thought he might of come just in time to save your life.

Yet as I have waited and waited he didn’t come so you had died. I don’t like it that you’re dead I can’t work it out how that it is impossible; it’s not the same where I scratch my own head to work things out, I know that deep down God doesn’t exist because he was never there to save me and all the palaver surrounding it and it’s like yeah right but I know secretly that you can hear me sometimes.

When I’m cold I reach a fleece that I could borrow for the time being from either TJ or Caspain I’m always trying to keep warm when you’re the sun. That day I sat with you beside your bed crying wishing for the things that I wish I should of said; watching you paint your nails red like you still got now over and over again, and if I live past 72 I do hope I’ll be half as cool as you are.

I got my pen and notepad as I sit in my little cottage window trying to create a story for you tonight; I know how much you like them because I know how to express my feelings through them just to make it feel alright, yet I know I will always keep you close to me because the crowds will understand and relate to the story like you never left.

I think you know I’m not doing so well…

Online Diary Entries: “Missing You” – Story Based

I hate miss missing you. Where’s the pain as you walked out of the door? It never hurt like this as it use to be before; there was love that we couldn’t really ignore as we knew deep down that we love each other deep down, however it doesn’t kick in like the pill use to anymore and where was the thrill that use to end our fights? Where did the heat go after we turned off the lights?

I just miss all he missing that we made even when we still have the passion to hate even sometimes I plainly just miss missing you until it’s hurts that’s when you see me cry; I miss watching you watching trying not to end up with tears as your begging to get back together, I just want to be with you like we are stuck forever and don’t freak out and believe what my answer is because sometimes I’m just missing you because it’s hurting me so much.

There’s a dark cloud pulling me in like I’m breathing in a bad sin because there’s a blind force letting it win; it’s longing to tear us apart as it doesn’t want me to be happy yet I’m missing you, trying to help me fighting my demons and together I know we can do anything for each other.

I’m missing you so much that it hurts that it just makes me cry….

Online Diary Entries: “Only Teardrops” – Story Based

I look across the dessert from my window of the place the sky looks red tonight; like we are on the edge tonight due to our fight I couldn’t see no shooting star this time to guide us, yet we see eye to eye at the best of times but I don’t understand why we tear each other apart? Please tell me why we make it so hard? Look at us now in our separate rooms we’ve only got ourselves to blame it’s such a shame.
How many times can we win and loose? How many times can we break the rules? That’s between us but only teardrops that will fall; tell me how many times do we have to fight? And how many times till we get it right between us? Until the only thing is the tear drops. Please come and face me now take me into your arms let me cry and leave the past behind us.
Eye for an eye for lots of questions in my head that I don’t understand; why do we tear each other apart? Please tell me why do we make it so hard? Look at us now we got ourselves to blame it’s such a shame; as I’m crying letting my tear drops roll down my face ruining what’s left of my make up in my face, crying myself to sleep because I don’t understand how many times we have to fight? And how many times til we get it right? Between us but only tear drops.
Tell me now what’s gone between us? What has become between us? Tell me please tell me what’s gone between us? Has something become between us? Yet you don’t tell me anything but blame for it all yet your also to blame. Only teardrops that fall.

Online Diary Entries: “When I grow up” – based on a story

As I was growing up boys would call you sexy you just walked on by with a flatter smile or just give them a look to say “oh really” like you actually don’t care; you see every time you turn around you would scream to get my attention, yet I wasn’t interested in that sort of thing even if I should have done and now that I’ve got a confession. When I was young I pretended that I didn’t want attention but secretly I actually wanted attention from all the boys; I promised myself that I’d do anything to not get noticed but wish I did, then again I ain’t complaining now because I like my little lot of admires and I like my attention that I’m getting.

Then at that age we all wanted to be famous and date stars knowing that its all too good to be true. Yet now go ahead and say what you want to say because you know what it’s like to be nameless; you might as well make them know that know what your name is, when I was younger I knew what I wanted to say then and my dream was at the age.

This what I would of said when I was younger; when I grow up I want be famous, I want to be an star, and I want to be in movies. My closes guy friend once said to me was “when I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars and I want groupies” another girl replies “when I grow up be on tv where people know me read about me on magazines” and another girl replies “when I grow up I want to be fresh and clean be the number one chick who steps out onto the scene”

Yet you have to be careful what you wish for because you might actually get it; you just might get it but people use to tell me that I was silly, until I popped up on tv in their living room making them drop their cups off tea or coffee and I always wanted to be a superstar and knew singing songs would get me this far.

They never told you to be careful what you wish for because you might actually get it. Now that I see them staring at me because I’m such a trendsetter all I can say is yes this is true because what I do no one can do it better; you talk about me like I’m a hot topic but yet I see you watching me back then thinking I wasn’t going to do anything with my life, but now your watching me like “I wish I gave you the benefit of the doubt knowing how much you wanted it”

Online Diary Entries: Never felt unbroken story

The day that I felt like I was locked up tight to which I felt like I would never feel again; I noticed that I was stuck in some kind of love prison where they threw away the key, the terrified feeling as I stared into your eyes made me realise that it’s possible that I can loose you permanently if you didn’t get me out of here. Yet I looked into the eyes of my captures eyes feeling more terrified than ever; so I’m going to love you like I’ve never been broken in which I’m going to say it’s like never been spoke, tonight I’m letting go because I’m going to give it like it’s never been taken away from me. The thoughts have crossed my mind if I fall I know I won’t need saving because I know my true hero will come and get me.

Congratulations you played it out with the same lies with a different face; but there’s something in the words that you say to which it made it all feel so real, I’m going to love you like it’s never been spoken and tonight I’m letting go. No need for me to run a different away because you’re making me believe in everything you say. So for me there’s no need to go and hide if your going to give me every little piece of me. This is it I know it’s the real thing because I can’t explain what I’m feeling because I’m lost for words; I’m in a daze, stunned and amazed by the way you open up to me.

I then noticed someone I knew across the room you smiled at me; wow that smile I recognised from somewhere before, that’s when suddenly the wheels of old live had started to begin to turn inside of me once again and you said “hello” I felt the old glow again because I knew it was you who came to rescue me. Your touch and the feeling of your touch felt something new; nobody ever made me feel the way like you do in the gardens where no one could see us being together, it’s heavenly the way you make me feel when you use to make love to me and can you see your the one for me. I knew this was the real thing and we ran away together in your helicopter never returned.

Online Diary Entries: Somewhere Only We Know

I walked across an empty land with a pen in my hand and my notebook in the other like they knew the pathway to where we needed to be. I felt the earth beneath my bare feet as I sat by the river and it made me feel complete. Oh simple thing where have you gone? I am here to talk to you because I’m getting tired of the life that I’m leading I need someone to rely on have you found someone for me as I came across a fallen tree that use to be yours; I felt like the branches where looking at me, I wrote in my notebook as I sat on your tree. Is this the place we use to love? Is this the place that I’ve been dreaming of? I can’t see your little doors anymore or the door that you made me to climb in.

Oh simple thing, where have you gone? I’m getting old and I need something to rely on. If you have a minute why don’t we go back to where you are now as we can talk about it only somewhere we know. This could be the end of everything if we don’t meet; your my peace my everything, so why don’t we go to your land through that door of yours. Somewhere only we know so that no one can find us for hours.

Let me finish your story in my notebook. I like it when you sit on my shoulder and flying around getting excited that I’m there looking over my shoulder trying to read what I have written. Oh simply thing where have you gone? Oh there you are you cleverly disguised yourselves as dandelions; you did your magic with lots of pixie dust, so no one can come in or see what’s happening around me. I’m glad that we are back into somewhere only we know.

Online Diary Entries: Standby Me

There’s nothings impossible where there’s nothing unreachable when I’m so weary; you made me stronger due to your beautiful love that you give me which is unforgettable, I feel none of the winters cold when we are together. Immediately upon your touch, warmth, kindness and protection will you stand by me? Hold me and never let me go? Will you stand by me? Where I’m with you I know where I belong when our story gets told.

When the day turns into the night I look into your eyes I see my future now; all of the world and it’s wonders, I know this love won’t fade away even through the darkest and hardest days that we faced and going to face. I know now I will never question us anymore as you’re the reason and my only reason to keep on living. I am blessed to find what I need because you bring me back to life; like the world is loosing hope around us. You’re my only belief, you make things right everytime I need you like you risk it all for me like running in the fire for me after the time I do the same for you.

Stand by me. Stand by me. As I call in the winds as you can hear my voice with the rain acting as my tears; would you stand by me as I stand by you?, no more loneliness my darling you don’t have to be scare anymore. Just say I want you by my side and I’ll be there straight away like you are always there for me.

Online Diary Entries: Breathless

If you believe this or you don’t it’s up too you. I like to share my emotions and feelings in this story for the Online Diary Entries.

If I knew what I know now that our love was a fairy tale back then I would take charge and rescue you then on a yacht baby I know we would sail far away to a island where we say I do. We make the island our own and if we have children they would so look like you because you’re awesome, special, sexy and hot. You don’t even know how very special you are to me; you leave me breathless as your my everything that is good in my life, every time your picture comes up or you come into the room you leave me breathless.

I know that I can’t believe that you’re mine even when you have to leave to go out for the day you kiss me leaving me breathless. Our love is was written like a story book; where would it start? Would it start on the very first page on how we met or how I would dream about you all the time? You choose how to start it as it’s your story on how I walked into your life. The last chapter would be about how we are thankful we choose this life that we made together.

You must think I was sent from the heaven to earth to change you but actually you changed me because your like my angel; the thing that u feel is stronger than love believe me when I say “you’re something special to me” I only hope that one day I should deserve what you’ve given me but all I can do is try in my everyday life.

The fact that I love you more than anything in the world and leave me breathless every time.