Do you find that sometimes you’re mental health issues get you into trouble at the best of times? I find that a lot because either one keeps me up most of the night and I struggle to get out of bed in the morning even if it’s a work day but yet sometimes both attack me at the same time. You know that I hate talking about these types of things but at some point it’s good to talk about these things to be able to make people aware that it’s out there and people need to be aware that it’s happening.
I do find it increasingly annoying that I try so hard to fight all of this everyday no matter how much I am feeling; I still don’t feel like I’m good enough even when the sun is out I still feel like, even tiny little bits that are really unnecessary to the point of a dog who’s a pain in the arse who’s constantly barking along with the owners having ago at or something. You’re just like seriously man make my mood feel even worse.
To be honest it puts me off for even having one long term to be honest with you. No matter how much I like them it’s annoying. I find that even people who are self centred and can be manipulative can make you feel 10 times worse because they always try to find away to change it to where they can make it all about them. That gets me down by no matter what you try and do to help them they use it against you like you haven’t done anything.
You’re like okay so I’m not allowed to feel or saying anything that’s happening in my life because everything is about you. Okay then. Fine then. Yet they say how can you be so strong and everything. I don’t know I just do I sit on it guard my heart to the point off I explode then they realise not everything is about them at all. They realise you’ve been struggling way more than they realise and you don’t talk about it until you explode in their face. I know when something sent me over the edge I break down crying and I’m just as exhausted more afterwards than ever before.
When you’re alone and needing a friend all you got to do is call out my name; you know where ever I am I’ll come running to be with you to see you again, give you my best safest hugs when you’re feeling down and no where to go. No matter if it’s winter, spring, summer or autumn honey; all you got to do is call me and I’ll be there yes I will because you got a friend right there beside you.
When you’re down and troubled because you don’t know what to do but you need someone to love and care but there’s nothing. Nothing seems to be going right yet close your eyes and think of me; laying there next to you cuddling you making you feel safe, you know I’ll be there soon by your side to brighten up your day even your darkest nights.
You just need to call out my name and you know where ever I am I’ll come running to see you again. No matter what season it is baby because I’ll always be the for you all you got to do is call me because you’ve got a friend that understands you and loves you more than anything in the world. All you got to do is to hang on to everything that you’ve got because I’m not going anywhere.
I’ve been letting you down I know I’ve been such a fool into giving temptation of giving up the difficulties that I have to face thinking I’m alone with this injury but I know the situation got out of hand. I hope you understand and forgive me. The realisation of how difficult it is for children who are disabled not to do anything that they want to do; it’s not their fault they are like it, it’s not my fault I’m like it as I’ve doing it for my Queen and my country and I know it’s the rebels and terrorist caused it.
Now I understand it can happen to anyone of us, anyone you think of can fall and anyone can hurt someone that they love when they feel low. Hearts will break because pushing people way I’d stupid. It can happen to anyone of us say you will forgive me anyone can fail say you will believe me; I don’t want to lose you for my stupidity of moments without you I am nothing, you gave me something to believe in and it if wasn’t for you that I’m fighting for I would of stopped.
On the long and winding road leads me to your door which never disappears; I’ve see. This road before it always leads me here to your door even the wild and windy nights that rain washed away all the painful memories had left a pool of tears for the day we both cry; why leave me standing here let me know the way many times I’ve been alone I’ve cried, and you’ll never know many ways that I’ve tried to save people lives even children’s lives but they still lead me back to the long winding road.
Knowing that they are there to help me get back onto my feet with you by my side. I now under how hard it is to lose everything and deal with my disability. Understanding of how hard it is for families with a child with a disability and losing everything that I use to have but people don’t understand how hard it is until it happens to them. I would like to remind you as from a solider it can happen to anyone of us.
It kickstarts again. No matter how much you try to talk to talk about mental health it’s like saying “you can’t do this. You can’t do that” which reminds me the times that people say to you as a child you can’t play with that your not old enough. You can drink that your not old enough. The list goes on and on to be honest with you. It’s bad enough that you have this horrible feeling that your not allowed to even talk about mental health at all anymore; well that’s what I feel like because as I do suffer from it yes time to time I talk about it, it’s the initial thought of being judged by other people because they will judge you for some reason or another or you come across someone saying “I’ve had a bad experience in my life when growing up but does that make me depressed. I think I never really thought about being depressed. I don’t know why you should be depressed about things. Then again I don’t know what happened in your past so I’m not going to judge”
I’m there thinking you just got all arms up and being judgemental about someone who has mental health then conderdicted themselves for not being judgemental. That I really don’t understand to be honest because you say one thing then say another and your like you spineless arse. I wake up everyday to fight it even if I’m having a good day I’m still battling it but not as bad as some days that I have done. I have talked to professionals about it all yet it’s draining afterwards and I don’t want to do anything afterwards.
I find talking about myself and things that have gone on in my life a lot harder than just writing about it. I sometimes just write a blog but just to vent and don’t post it because at the end of the day do I really want my whole life story on the social media and the internet not really. I’ve learnt my lesson from the last time and ever since then I’m either constantly being reminded or people still go and run to people that I know will cause more problems. Yeah they are trying to help but at the end of the day I like the people who come to me first than run to other people it shows a bit of respect at the end of the day. That goes with if someone got a problem with me why go to someone else then to me first and try to sort it out.
Today (10.4.18) is a recovery day for me because I went out yesterday (9.4.18) with my parents it took a lot of hard work for me to get myself out and etc. When I didn’t want to go out but the time we were half way round to near the end I started to not want to be out anymore because I need my space and my time to myself. By the time we got back I just wanted to be left alone to which was okay I then slept for hours to be honest with you. Hoping something would arrive but I’ve got this feeling that it’s not going to come but I’m just anxious about it; nothing worth getting hopes up guys someone wanted me to work on something for them that’s all, yet it hasn’t arrived yet making me anxious because I don’t want it to get lost.
As you may can tell I’m not one of those people it’s all about me I like to be normal and keep to myself unless I’ll tell how it is then they know and realise don’t get off on the wrong side of me. Fair few have done and backed off. Yet majority of the people like my character and find it funny because I remind them of someone that they know and etc. I do it all the time to my friend Megs because she needs toughing up and I’m always nice to her. The fact that she’s learning a lot in space of a year about herself more so than she realises as she knows what I would say. She knows I don’t mean half what I say but because she realises how much I’m right and she focuses how to change it. That’s all for now folks.
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum. Repeating over and over in my head what’s wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? I’m going crazy now like no one can hear me or save me now. There’s no more gas in the rig I don’t know even how to get it started but nothing is heard, nothing said, I can’t even speak about it. It’s my life and out of my head yet I don’t want to think about it feels like I’m going insane. It’s like a thief in the night.
A thief that would come and grabs you to which consumes you like a disease of the mind that can control you rather too close for comfort. It’s like throwing your brake lights on as we’re in the city of wonder to which isn’t going to play nice so you better watch out because you might just go under so think twice. So my advice is to train your thoughts to which will be altered so you must falter to be wise.
Your mind is in disturber off mental health it’s like the darkness is the light that disturb you for life; am I scaring you tonight because you’re not use to what you like, the faded pictures that on the wall and it’s like they are talking to me. Disconnecting all the call and your phone don’t even ring but I got out of here or figure this shit out because it’s too close for comfort.
Did you see that thief in the night to come and grab me it would creep up inside me to consume me with the disease if the mind to which control me making me feel like a monster. My mind is being disturbed like the darkness is the light yet it’s talking to me like it’s scaring me tonight.
All I want you to do is release me from this curse that I am in because I’m trying to maintain but I’m struggling. If you can’t help me then just go because I think I’m going to go…
As you may of guessed my head hasn’t really been with it this week as much like last week but I’m slightly getting there I think. She says with few red marks on the outside of her elbow arm on the radiator that was on; didn’t really think much off it to be honest because I was happily colouring in my next picture that I had made, along with watching something on the Really app yeah I could feeling it burning but didn’t really think much off it. That’s what you get for not wearing long sleeves.
However with the whole what have you done today to make you feel proud? Well I manage to do a days work with two shifts morning and afternoon with a same driver and the a supposed run at lunch time but cancelled whilst on it haha but hey get paid for it. Even though I didn’t really fancy working at all today to be honest but someone has to earn money don’t they.
In the mist of people making it out that it’s my fault for things as per normal but I managed to create a new picture and corrected it somehow but not sure if I like it or not heyho. Still in the works but I’ve also made a healthy dinner this evening for myself; I know people me craving health food when I’m also craving junk food at the same time, I definitely need my head scanned to see if I’m feeling alright haha.
What have you done today to make yourself feel proud? I would love to know to be honest but I know you guys won’t comment haha. Unless you do then I’m proud of you that you made yourself proud that you achieved something.
Putting my defences up because every time I fall in love I just have a heart attack or a panic attack when I get hurt or think I’m going to get hurt. I seem to never learn when I put my heart out on the line because I always say “yes” if I really like the guy but actually the trouble is I get taken for a mug that’s my trouble. That’s when I realise am I really ever good enough when it comes to you?
I don’t care when the guys are after me because I know that when I’m actually know what I’m doing it but as soon as something bad happens; I won’t wash my hair for days missing it making like I’m bouncing a basketball, you make me act like how I use to be when you set me off from a heart attack thinking that you love me to a panic attack. You make me feel so ashamed of myself like I just can’t hold on to your hand anymore.
You use to make me glow make me feel like I shouldn’t cover it up but now I’ll just show my scares that you make me have because you make me have panic attacks. Now you why I put my defences up because I don’t want to fall in love if I ever did that I think I would have a heart attack and then a panic attack.
Never break a sweat for any other guy because when you come around I get paralysed even when I try to be myself. It comes out wrong like a cry for help but it’s not fair this pain shouldn’t be more trouble than love is worth as I try gasp for air as I’m having a panic attack it feels good but you know how much they hurt me. The feelings that got lost in my lungs like they are burning up but I’d rather be numb because there’s no one else to blame but myself. So scared that I would take off and I run like I’m flying too close to the sun and burst into flames. I don’t want to feel anymore pain in my life or having anymore panic attacks or heart attacks.
So tired of the injustice of the world that I live in; tired of the schemes that we have in this world it’s kind of disgusting where people don’t understand what it means, it’s kicking me down making me depressed and my anxiety is rocketing high and as I get up again the jack drops to the point of the whole system sucks.
Peaking in the shadows which will always come to the light when you tell me I’m wrong but then again you better prove me that you’re right. You’re slowly selling out of your lies because I only care about what’s mine and my rights. I’m going to get stronger because I won’t give up the fight that you started. There’s so much confusions that it makes me want to scream with all of your basing and bruising which you claim that you’re a victim but yet I know you’re scheme. I’m the one who is a victim because I’m trying to cope with every lie that you make out but you are scrutinising yourself more by shooting yourself in the foot. Somebody please have mercy on me because I just can’t take it anymore.
Stop pressuring me! Just stop pressuring me! It just makes me want to scream so tired of telling the story in your way of how it went because it’s confusing the whole situation if you’re telling the lies. Yet you think it’s okay telling it. The rules keep on changing while your playing the game just to get it your own way. I just can’t take it much longer I think I might just go insane.
Oh my god I just can’t believe what I saw as I turned on the tv this evening; I was so disgusted by all of the injustice that we suffers don’t get. As I watched on the news another child killed themselves due to bullying and hate crime; nobody knew about it or what was going on before it was too late to intervene, it just makes me want to scream because of people don’t understand of what’s going on around them. Even if you scream and cry out for help no one will believe you.
Recently I may touched on the basis of mental health last week with anxiety and depression. As it’s becoming more and more apparent and aware in this day in age that people are speaking out about it but some people may think “oh get over yourselves and etc” yet actually over the years things have been more successful and more talked about now than back at the times when things weren’t meant to be. Bad things would happen to people who think it isn’t right to be that person. (Not even sure what I meant by that. Must of had a valid point to it)
I find I actually hate talking about it to be honest of the fear of being judged and etc. Yet people may seem to think “oh she’s amazing she’s so positive, looking well and always happy” “didn’t realise she had something wrong in her life” so on and so on. That’s the best bit about having make up on choosing whether to show how ill you really are or make yourself feel good inside and out no matter what the problem is. Then bam anxiety starts to kick in then you start to sweat and what not. You start cry and everything else.
After all that once you calmed down when you just felt so stupid because of it all over nothing; that’s when you look at yourself in the mirror you then realised, but also remembered that you had put make up on and that’s when your like either punched yourself in the face or look like something out of horror film or something along the lines of it.
I hate that to the point of what’s going to be anxiety bulletproof at the end of the day. Just to sort it all out or the best start is control the anxiety as much as you can. Haven’t worked that one out yet guys with the whole thing; I try to come away from all of the social media stuff like messenger, and what not so that the people whom I’m suited with and more like to be more negative to me. Just so that I can control it in the orderly manner but if someone’s got a suggestion of how to keep make up to stay on my face whilst in one please let me know much appreciate it.
You know when things go around where you got people making quotes whether it’s on facebook, Twitter and etc it either summons you up completely or summons up someone else that you know. There’s always one that summons me up completely where you swear to yourself at least 20 times a day; I’m pretty sure I’ve done that quite a lot today to be honest, when I’ve done something that wasn’t meant to happen and what not. I find that it’s normally the same word that comes out fluently at the time it happens; I’ve just done it with this picture (down below) whilst making it as I put a picture in the wrong place, without knowing what was about to come out of my mouth there goes that word again and your like seriously never swear to myself that much do I?
Then I realise when it comes to adult life and anxiety I find it’s a nervous habit at the best of times. A lot more but then I realise I’m being rather stupid about it all stop; yet adult life does really suck because at the end of the day all you seem to do is work work work and the pay pay pay bills. Like you don’t have anything else better to do in your life you then realise your like Bridget Jones with a bag of minstrels or something then start singing “all by myself” into a hair brush like nobody knows.
That’s sounds like me most of the time without the bag of minstrels or singing the song into a hair brush but a bed cover wrapped round me after a shift of work. Yay me I’ve just given myself a headache with anxiety and literally having a major anxiety attack on two people they were like erm erm right one was like trying to make me laugh and the other one was like I don’t get you. Hehe I like what he did there though even though he didn’t know he did….that’s what I think though.
Oh oh hang on a minute almost forgotten my favourite part when I’m feeling anxious is I watch Most Haunted or throw myself into writing. That’s how I save myself from most things in life.