Ever thought why your mind always constantly keeps on swimming; your trying to gasp for air but you seem to keep on being dragged down because of all the thoughts inside your head, then your like why isn’t anyone listening to me? Why has no one noticed that I’m drowning? Why has no one noticed that I’ve gone missing?
Yet every time you scream for help load of water seems to enter your mouth making you chock, splutter and everything else. Yet still not hearing you? Then your body gives up trying to fight the water as the gravity starts to pull you down; that’s when people started to notice that your drowning, or even missing until the notice your body sinking to the bottom of the pool.
That was when everyone dived in to try and a rescue; fighting all of the Black nodded creatures that surrounded you, that was when they soon realise that your mind has completed under water. Once they got you out of the water you start to chock and spitting water out of your mouth.
You were in hospital for days but you were giving signs of improvement each day; trying to get yourself better but yet your mind was still feeling under water, until it all came clear to you one day that someone had come through the door to visit you. That’s when you were finally out of the water inside your head.
Kindly would like to remind you that this is my opinion and you have the right to believe this or not as you have a opinion as well. I won’t judge you but please respect other people’s opinions and mine when you comment if you wish to do so. This is a Revisit of my previous look at what you made me do.
“I’m sorry you found the old lizzy in this diary. I’m sorry that I can’t come today do you know why?”
“Oh, because the old herself is dead”
I don’t like your little games anymore; as you damaged my life even more so like you can’t even tell, don’t like your titled stage because the role you made me play like the fool of someone who doesn’t know what’s going on. No I don’t like you and I don’t like your perfect crime. How you laugh when you lie to my face like the gun was mine. This isn’t cool no and I don’t like you. Yet at least I’ve got smarter and harder in the nick of time as I rose up from the dead and I’ll do it all the time over and over again.
I’ve got a list of names and yours can you see is underlined in red. I’ll be Mrs Claus I check it once and then I’ll check it twice. Oh! I don’t like your kingdom keys anymore as they had once use to be mine; you asked if I had a place to stay, yet I told you that the world moves on another day another drama and guess what but not for me as I’m going to take on the world because all I can think about is karma. I’ve got mine yet you’ll get yours as I’ve got smarter and a lot harder in the nick of time. Guess what honey I have rose up from the dead and continue to do that all that all the time. I don’t trust anybody and nobody trust me but I’ll be the actress starring in your bad dreams.
Health & Wellbeing of mental health and everything else especially when it comes to first month of autumn.
Our first English autumn is now and well and truly over. The fact that I’m going to do the Truth, the bad and the ugly for this one because I found it a bit easier to talk about certain things that matter to me. If I found certain things difficult or easy or something along the lines of that. So here we go.
September has been quite difficult in some areas. The fact that I had started a new job I felt anxious and afraid until I managed to find my feet. Yeah might of put someone in there place a few times in a space of a month; I finally found my feet, putting my things I know into place and working well. Relationship hasn’t been that easy either this month lots of insecurities and everything but always seemed to work out for the best at the end of the day. Polystic Overias Syndrome hasn’t been so nice to me this week either especially with my hormones.
The bad thing is when my depression starts to kick in; I start to feel rotten, I don’t know what’s going on in my head or within myself. Everything seems to not go right. Unless I’m going down with something or my hormones start playing up then that’s another cattle of fish. That’s when the ugly side comes in when nobody wants to take the full brunt of it all. To be fair I don’t really blame them. Unless it’s Caspain then he just takes it on dead on and stamp it out of it as best he could.
The most ugly thing about mental health and Polystic Overias Syndrome is that at the worst times they both come at the same time. I don’t understand when I have this problem where my hormones start to kick in; I can tell you now that this is very rare for me to have it now days, but when it comes it kicks off my mental health and I just can’t cope with it. Especially with both at the same time and it’s really truly horrible all I wanted to do is stay in bed and just cry. That’s the hardest thing that could ever happen to me. Not easy to say the least.
More to the point now that we have just finished one month of autumn; about to begin the next month autumn; we all know how English weather can be so depressing, and a whole lot worse than people like me have to face it everyday. Heyho I just have to keep on fighting it everyday.
The day I never felt I wanted to cry and say good bye to my writing.
What I find hardest is that when I’m so low about things or stressed out with things; it generally effects my writing abilities in the way that what’s the point in writing, I’m not good enough, no one wants to read them. I have never really took much noticed in the way that how much my writing is so connected and how important it is in my life.
Yet I’m the one constantly fighting my way through the of not giving up on the writing; even when I don’t know what to write or struggling to write about things, sometimes maybe I need a break from it all. I don’t know. Yet then how can I let down my readers and followers down if I just quit and gave up on the whole thing.
I love writing so much but it just hard enough to keep my emotions in check; not to share my frustrations, anger, hatred or show so much upset through my writing but yet that’s how I generally work when I write. However but it’s the only way I can seem to get my emotions through paper is share my words down. Than talking about it verbally.
Sorry this is short this week but still it’s something for this week; I may have something for you later in the week, along side hustle and bustle advice of blogging extra. My question is for you is what would do if I gave up blogging? Let me know down in the comments. It’s alright I haven’t made a decision on what I’m doing yet. I doubt I’ll will give it up I worked to hard to give it up.
Today’s Sunday Special I thought about things; it made me think about turning to God or to the church, I know that I can turn to Caspian as he’s been a life saver and someone who I could trust. However can I turn to god; what can I trust religion side of things, even growing up in a Christian family but it’s a lot more in trusting to turn to faith than someone that you love. That’s just my opinion of how I think and feel about things; of who to trust and not to trust, that’s where I maybe its my anxious and depression kicked in.
Past week I had felt the lowest of the low; stressed out, depressed and anxious. Which by the end of the week with the things; I ended up feeling ill emotionally, headache’s, another with health had started to kick in and everything else had started to kick in. To the point of not being able to cope; the initial fear of people coming too close to my liking in my bubble, when I’m in that state of mind that I couldn’t cope with more symptoms kicking in.
The question is when is it the time to say enough is enough; is it when you know when your ready for time is right?, when are you going to next fall?, who is going to catch me if I did fall?. The whole flight and fight mode had started or would started to kick in.
Caspian has been my been my awesome rock; he be there when I needed him the most, I know that he’s not going to abounded what so ever. He also when I know that he’s the one trying to help me; be the supportive, caring and everything else. I know I can trust him more and more; trying to find ways to be together is harder than we thought, until I say something out of the ordering and we both know how stupid the whole situation is at the time.
That’s how a true friendship or relationship goes because you know when you get that close to someone; you love them to bits, along side with the whole I trust you along the way. Yes I can be like I’m backing out at times but he knows how insecure I am; how I haven’t got much believe in myself nor the courage to ask things, in case of being rejected in one way or another.
When things come back to me; he knows as soon as I start flipping out on him, he reminds me that he’s not going anywhere, not going to give up on me along with the three words of I love you. It gives me that sign of encouragement that I’m not going to give up on myself; I have my knight in shinning armer ready to come and save me no matter what it’s wrong, knowing I have him by myself. That’s when I know enough is enough for me to keep fighting and fighting him. Meaning that I trust him more than previous relationships I had in the past; he is such a nice guy all round, I wouldn’t give up on him either if he had his moments.
You basically know how to fight things if you know; you have that person to fight things with, no matter how tough it is to begin with but at the end of the day you know you have that one person being dependent on and visa.
This has to be the worse feeling ever; when it comes to any part of your sleep pattern when your up so early on a Friday morning, your like jeez thanks man this is going to be a long day now. Believe me when it comes to my ears and nose problem that’s when it’s sucks the most. Which lead me to write this blog on which I was going to use as an everyday blog but now decided to use it for Wednesday Evening Post.
The past 26 years I’ve always struggled with hearing impairment; as long as I can remember, I have times over the years when I have colds or hay fever badly I panick when I can’t hear properly and become very anxious about my ears. To which I have to book an appointment just incase that I haven’t burst an ear drum or there’s swelling to my ear drum; this can be damaging when you know you have a history of hearing lost, I have had a burst ear drum before the signs were painful ear when I put ear drops in and blood on my pillows. That’s a sign of you have a burst ear drum.
You probably thinking how can you fix someone’s hearing if they were deaf? I can promise you that there’s lots of routes down the line that I could of taken if I wanted to; I can still do that if I wanted to, yet I’m determined to prove myself that I can do things like everybody else. I’m only going to use that one thing as a last resort; I’ve come along way without it, why should I claim disability allowance now. Also when I was little I was deaf; I was in and out of hospital; having grommets put in to help me clear the glue ears/deafness, to which help me to hear properly with the help of speech and language along side going to a unit through out school. The signs for someone who’s deaf in my experience is from high pitch noises that no one else can pick up for example certain freezers in supermarkets, along with not hearing helicopters especially when they are just about to fly over until they are right on top of you, people think that your ignoring them but your not you just can’t hear. Along with when your talking your mumbling to that your thinking your talking normally but actually your not.
Earwax is similar situation to deafness but in my case it’s the same; as I start to mumble and not being able to hear anything, it is painful more when you have fluids building up behind the ear and the earwax building up on the other side. Building up the pressure hurts ten times worse; I generally use the ear drops that crackles to help with the earwax to loosen up, but that sometimes hurts when your unwell or your hay fever kicks in. Sadly my hay fever kicked in this year due to the heatwave; to which point that means going to hurt even more, on my ears mostly on my left ear but I’m not too sure why more on my left ear. Heyho.
If you have any concerns on yourself or a child has similar situation I recommend see the doctors because they will run tests for everything for hearing; also my parents got me tested for autism because they thought I was autistic, but I’m not but they are giving me time to read the file that I’ve got on me. I haven’t really looked it but when I’m ready I’ll be able to read it; knowing what is what, and to learn the process of how far I’ve come. Good luck and I hope this is useful to you.
You guys are probably thinking oh why am I listening to her about her life crisis; I can tell you now when you read this, or when you have finished you will think “oh damn she’s right”. So button it shrimpy! Haha jokes on you.
So this is a story that I’ve never told; well publicly I haven’t but making you aware young ones, even adults might want to hear this or read this as well. To which they can be aware the warning signs of health issues within themselves or their child.
About 12 or 13 was the time when I first start my first period; yes I’m going there people, tough luck people it’s got to happen one way or another. Even I didn’t want to do it but then I had to push the boat out and do it; not for myself but my fellow readers, also young readers who feel embarrassed about these things and most importantly peer pressure around school. When I started I was at wedding in a my local church that my parents went to; I had started not to feel to brilliantly with tummy cramps and everything, I didn’t know what was happening. Until I got home and went to the bathroom that’s when I noticed I had started; so I didn’t know want to do, so I called my mum to come up and she explained everything to me.
Over the years at school I would have to be sent home because I was feeling brilliant it was always around the time I was on; the most awarked time was when I was out with my dad one day with my sister and one of my brothers, didn’t really think much of it to be honest with you at that time when you were having them that something was wrong in health wise.
Until I was 21 years old I had noticed that I would get really bad period pains but nothing happened; it would continue to so throughout the summer of 2012, to which point I had to go to the doctors because it was rather strange at the time and worrying that something wasn’t right. So I went for my appointments and tests; to learn that I had Poloystic Overies Syndrome, were the eggs are bigger than normal that’s the reason why I was getting bad pains. The downside was that I may not be able to have kids in later in life; but I’m not having my hopes up to be honest, also don’t want to think about it too much. I just thought if I can get through being not hearing and having a learning disabilities; I can manage to get through this thing whatever it was, so my doctor gave me contraceptive pill to which I reacted quite badly to. Every 21 days I would have my head down the toilet to which to their surprise; to make me stop taking them and see how I get on without it for a few months, then May 2013 I had implant put in and since then I’ve been perfectly fine. Odd occasions I would get the odd bleeds but I would go straight down to the doctors to ask why it was happening. Other than that I was good to go.
Between 23/24 years old I had started to become more drawn to myself in away that people were starting to notice that I wasn’t myself; it became more and more apparent as I had started back at work, then becoming signed off work. That’s when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety; I had the most darkest times then but now that I’m currently not working, I’m starting to feel a bit more well and being able to do things more. However I do have my down days as well but it’s okay I always have great support in the family and friends around me.
I know get signs for what might be Lacoste Intolerance haven’t been diagnosed with it but due to family members having it; kind of know what it is that’s causing it, so I’ve been voiding as much chocolate even though I love it. Anything with dairy in it because it would send me to a I don’t feel so great mood. Should get it tested out incase it is. Noticed it more between 25/26 years old than any other years.
If you have any worries that you can’t talk to someone or need an advice on something email on firstname.lastname@example.org especial account for your enquiries on the topics you have read.
All the best good luck
The weekend that had my whole world just got turned upside down. To the point of freaking out and confused.
The hardest part of this is I don’t know where to begin to write; I suppose I should start from the beginning, then find the end somewhere. Would be a good start wouldn’t it. I like to make sure that my readers and clients know this is everyone’s worst nightmare; for themselves, but also for a parent or a child witnesses their love ones crumble or confused. This is what I want to share with you on my daily basis; I do have good days really good ones, however I have really bad days that I can’t seem to get out off.
As I’m writing this I would like to say thank you for reading and listening to my story; also I’ve actually got a clear head, where I’m doing loads of posts for you think I’ve writing about three in one day; one was a hit and miss but it was alright, two with clear head. Which is achievement.
My story begins with meeting a guy who I thought he really liked me; felt like we known each other for months, but it was only a week. When it came to the mid week we met up; he really liked me and I really liked him, I thought he said would you go out with me and come round. By Friday I was trying to contact him as I was having a complete nervous breakdown; until I found out that someone else messaged me back to which my whole world turn upside, I had wished he would talk to me first but the whole weekend he hadn’t messaged me at all.
I couldn’t understand why someone would do that to someone who they really liked; then something more unusual happened to me, on which I can’t say private client confidentiality etc etc etc. To be honest my head is still coming around to the idea; but they didn’t know or what was happening at the time, probably now know why my head is over the place. All I can say nice one guys. Not like I’m complaining or anything it’s rather nice to be able to be recognised with the whole what I do; how I do things, and what not.
I wish I could revel my clients but I promised myself and to them I wouldn’t. Yeah whilst everything was going on in my head; the guy that I liked, having multiples of anxiety attacks and along with private clients. I think I have lost quite a lot of sleep in one weekend; I don’t even know if I’m going to get much sleep tonight after I’ve finished here. Sunday 11th June 2017.
Living with anxiety is hard everything is out of your control; sometimes when I’m completely out of control, I don’t know what I’m saying and apologies if I had offended them. It’s going to be a long night now; just had a paracetamol just to bring down how hot I’m feeling, but also to help calm my nerves as well I was literally getting the shakes. On which it might of trapped a nerve in my wrist or I’ve done something to it, so use to it now it’s like my second nature if you ask me. Good night I hope you all have a lovely sweet dreams as I’m going to try and get some sleep. If not I have no idea what I’m going to do.
Nothing is like bitter sweet! But when it comes to mental health that’s when everything falls apart. The past 24 hours I’ve hardly had much sleep; the last time I had slept I think it was my first anxiety attack.
I wanted to write this today; to show people how things can be difficult if one lives with one mental health issue, for me living with it comes with a price. Price that I’ve regret as I wasn’t thinking straight; I couldn’t really pull myself out of it this time, I was in it far too deep. Despite what was going on around me; I still couldn’t seem to get out of it no matter what, sometimes I have to apologise for what my actions may off caused people at the time of when I was having it.
Hang on a second let me just go and do something first; I then return back to continue this post for you guys, it’s not going to be easy but I have to make the first step. It’s the first time that I’ve actually had a major one in a very long time; I knew it was coming because it was the feeling of sick, the anxious feelings at certain times of the day. The hardest bit I think is not having someone wrapping their arms around me; holding me tight making sure that I was going to be alright, safe and most importantly knowing that I can trust them to pull myself out of it.
The worst bit is when one is in that frame of mind; you start to look for things that you can blame yourself for or others, so it can trigger anxiety off even more. You can’t help it; the nature of its course has to be careful, no matter how things wind you up or how selfish other people are you think you just want them to get over themselves and grow up.
Each morning no matter how hard it is for me to get up on some mornings; I still manage to put on make up, do my hair and look ready for the day. No matter how much I don’t want to and stay in bed all day and recover from the whole attack. I still have to press on and carry on the day like nothing has happened. Well after a few hours of actually completing my hair and make up on which it shouldn’t of taken as long as it should of done but always; now back to work with writing this blog, even though I’m so tired but heyho as least it’s nice and sunny today.
Today agenda is not really much but most probably sleep and working on blogs. In which trying to catch up on myself a bit as I didn’t do much for the last couple of days as it has been quite difficult think of what to write. The joys of the after effects of having anxiety attacks is that it really tiring and you can’t do much the next day; sometimes I’m alright and get on with it, like no body knows because I get through it all.
78 words left to go and I’m starting to ramble; ramble isn’t it good in my opinion unless your making sense of what your talking about, or knowing where your going with it all. 20 words left to go; does anyone else do this when they can’t think of anything to write, I do it all the time when I was a kid doing exams when you have to do x amount of words in a eassy. I’m not much of an eassy fan it freaks me out. But yet I’m doing blogs of 600 words and now gone over haha. The joys of anxiety and what not make you do things your really don’t think your good enough.