Do you find that sometimes you’re mental health issues get you into trouble at the best of times? I find that a lot because either one keeps me up most of the night and I struggle to get out of bed in the morning even if it’s a work day but yet sometimes both attack me at the same time. You know that I hate talking about these types of things but at some point it’s good to talk about these things to be able to make people aware that it’s out there and people need to be aware that it’s happening.
I do find it increasingly annoying that I try so hard to fight all of this everyday no matter how much I am feeling; I still don’t feel like I’m good enough even when the sun is out I still feel like, even tiny little bits that are really unnecessary to the point of a dog who’s a pain in the arse who’s constantly barking along with the owners having ago at or something. You’re just like seriously man make my mood feel even worse.
To be honest it puts me off for even having one long term to be honest with you. No matter how much I like them it’s annoying. I find that even people who are self centred and can be manipulative can make you feel 10 times worse because they always try to find away to change it to where they can make it all about them. That gets me down by no matter what you try and do to help them they use it against you like you haven’t done anything.
You’re like okay so I’m not allowed to feel or saying anything that’s happening in my life because everything is about you. Okay then. Fine then. Yet they say how can you be so strong and everything. I don’t know I just do I sit on it guard my heart to the point off I explode then they realise not everything is about them at all. They realise you’ve been struggling way more than they realise and you don’t talk about it until you explode in their face. I know when something sent me over the edge I break down crying and I’m just as exhausted more afterwards than ever before.
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum. Repeating over and over in my head what’s wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? I’m going crazy now like no one can hear me or save me now. There’s no more gas in the rig I don’t know even how to get it started but nothing is heard, nothing said, I can’t even speak about it. It’s my life and out of my head yet I don’t want to think about it feels like I’m going insane. It’s like a thief in the night.
A thief that would come and grabs you to which consumes you like a disease of the mind that can control you rather too close for comfort. It’s like throwing your brake lights on as we’re in the city of wonder to which isn’t going to play nice so you better watch out because you might just go under so think twice. So my advice is to train your thoughts to which will be altered so you must falter to be wise.
Your mind is in disturber off mental health it’s like the darkness is the light that disturb you for life; am I scaring you tonight because you’re not use to what you like, the faded pictures that on the wall and it’s like they are talking to me. Disconnecting all the call and your phone don’t even ring but I got out of here or figure this shit out because it’s too close for comfort.
Did you see that thief in the night to come and grab me it would creep up inside me to consume me with the disease if the mind to which control me making me feel like a monster. My mind is being disturbed like the darkness is the light yet it’s talking to me like it’s scaring me tonight.
All I want you to do is release me from this curse that I am in because I’m trying to maintain but I’m struggling. If you can’t help me then just go because I think I’m going to go…
As you may of guessed my head hasn’t really been with it this week as much like last week but I’m slightly getting there I think. She says with few red marks on the outside of her elbow arm on the radiator that was on; didn’t really think much off it to be honest because I was happily colouring in my next picture that I had made, along with watching something on the Really app yeah I could feeling it burning but didn’t really think much off it. That’s what you get for not wearing long sleeves.
However with the whole what have you done today to make you feel proud? Well I manage to do a days work with two shifts morning and afternoon with a same driver and the a supposed run at lunch time but cancelled whilst on it haha but hey get paid for it. Even though I didn’t really fancy working at all today to be honest but someone has to earn money don’t they.
In the mist of people making it out that it’s my fault for things as per normal but I managed to create a new picture and corrected it somehow but not sure if I like it or not heyho. Still in the works but I’ve also made a healthy dinner this evening for myself; I know people me craving health food when I’m also craving junk food at the same time, I definitely need my head scanned to see if I’m feeling alright haha.
What have you done today to make yourself feel proud? I would love to know to be honest but I know you guys won’t comment haha. Unless you do then I’m proud of you that you made yourself proud that you achieved something.
Putting my defences up because every time I fall in love I just have a heart attack or a panic attack when I get hurt or think I’m going to get hurt. I seem to never learn when I put my heart out on the line because I always say “yes” if I really like the guy but actually the trouble is I get taken for a mug that’s my trouble. That’s when I realise am I really ever good enough when it comes to you?
I don’t care when the guys are after me because I know that when I’m actually know what I’m doing it but as soon as something bad happens; I won’t wash my hair for days missing it making like I’m bouncing a basketball, you make me act like how I use to be when you set me off from a heart attack thinking that you love me to a panic attack. You make me feel so ashamed of myself like I just can’t hold on to your hand anymore.
You use to make me glow make me feel like I shouldn’t cover it up but now I’ll just show my scares that you make me have because you make me have panic attacks. Now you why I put my defences up because I don’t want to fall in love if I ever did that I think I would have a heart attack and then a panic attack.
Never break a sweat for any other guy because when you come around I get paralysed even when I try to be myself. It comes out wrong like a cry for help but it’s not fair this pain shouldn’t be more trouble than love is worth as I try gasp for air as I’m having a panic attack it feels good but you know how much they hurt me. The feelings that got lost in my lungs like they are burning up but I’d rather be numb because there’s no one else to blame but myself. So scared that I would take off and I run like I’m flying too close to the sun and burst into flames. I don’t want to feel anymore pain in my life or having anymore panic attacks or heart attacks.
Recently I may touched on the basis of mental health last week with anxiety and depression. As it’s becoming more and more apparent and aware in this day in age that people are speaking out about it but some people may think “oh get over yourselves and etc” yet actually over the years things have been more successful and more talked about now than back at the times when things weren’t meant to be. Bad things would happen to people who think it isn’t right to be that person. (Not even sure what I meant by that. Must of had a valid point to it)
I find I actually hate talking about it to be honest of the fear of being judged and etc. Yet people may seem to think “oh she’s amazing she’s so positive, looking well and always happy” “didn’t realise she had something wrong in her life” so on and so on. That’s the best bit about having make up on choosing whether to show how ill you really are or make yourself feel good inside and out no matter what the problem is. Then bam anxiety starts to kick in then you start to sweat and what not. You start cry and everything else.
After all that once you calmed down when you just felt so stupid because of it all over nothing; that’s when you look at yourself in the mirror you then realised, but also remembered that you had put make up on and that’s when your like either punched yourself in the face or look like something out of horror film or something along the lines of it.
I hate that to the point of what’s going to be anxiety bulletproof at the end of the day. Just to sort it all out or the best start is control the anxiety as much as you can. Haven’t worked that one out yet guys with the whole thing; I try to come away from all of the social media stuff like messenger, and what not so that the people whom I’m suited with and more like to be more negative to me. Just so that I can control it in the orderly manner but if someone’s got a suggestion of how to keep make up to stay on my face whilst in one please let me know much appreciate it.
My test feels so locked up tight like I would never feel again; like I’m stuck in some love prison but with high anxiety, and they threw away the key, terrified that I wouldn’t be saved no way to get help and then I stared into your eyes which made me realise the possibilities. I’m going to try and love you like I’ve never been broken by you but I’m going to tell you like it is as if it’s never been spoken tonight I’m going try and let go. I’m going to give it like it’s never been taken but I’m going to fall like I don’t need saving.
I stayed in my tower because you fell into the trap congratulations you played the same thing as everyone else all the same lies that people say but different face. There’s something in the words you say that makes it all real but there’s a need for me to run because you’re making me believe in everything and I need to go and hide as you are giving me every little piece of me like a puzzle.
Now I know that you were never really going to save me like I hope you would so please please stop breaking my heart. It can’t take anymore pain from you because I can’t breathe anymore and I can’t cope anymore. I want to sleep like I don’t have to wake up to feeling the pain that you have caused. You were never ready to save me.
Not even sure what actually happened today and I’m just literally blogging off my phone because I can and I haven’t prepared today’s Wednesdays Evening post. I’m not even sure what this is about but heyho. Let’s talk about how much I hate adult life of today shall we. Haha
Today one of my best friends decided to ring me at 5:15am forgetting that they are currently 4 hours ahead of me. They were like oh it’s like 9:15am so I photo screened them the time difference done it a few times today. Then half an hour later my job decides to message me to say they need me and I’m like at least I’m half awake nearly.
Then I finally got out of bed about another half an hour later. Hardly awake what so ever then out of the door by 6:45am back home at 9:30am for 4 hours. In that four hours pretty much sorted out something what my friend wanted me to do; afterwards went round my local Sainsbury’s shop and I thought I do a bit of house keeping to get two loafs of bread because someone did the dishwasher, came home had breakfast and etc. Then fell asleep the rest of the time so I can catch up some extra sleep. To which I manage to be completely awake and on caffeine for the next run of my job at 14:15pm (2:15pm) got home at about 16:30/16:30pm (4:30/4:45) to find a parent buying two more loafs of bread. To their realisation that they didn’t know I left a message or brought some already. So extra bread for me to steal in the middle of the night but not sure how long that will last until I react to it.
I thought I’ll do a bit of the house keeping and help get a few bits to get by. Yet I’m trying to get myself back on the right side of everyone but yeah. Sometimes being an adult has its good times and funny moments. Now I’m gonna chill. As you may of noticed that I’ve not even corrected any of my writing in this or anything else. It is what it is with any planning involved. Might need to remember not to do this again on my phone haha. Night people sorry for late posts for somethings. Now you know what a day I have had off the record. Also remember the actual pictures are on the iPad not on phone jeez! Someone give me a holiday please.
Drinking in the morning sun as I lay out in the garden blinking in the warm morning sun; shaking off all the heavy cold cobwebs that we all had from a very long winter like it was a heavy loaded gun, what made me behave that way? Using the words that I thought I would never say because I can only think it must be live but anyway it looks like a beautiful day.
Someone tell me how I feel by just looking at me but you’re answer is so silly because it’s wrong yet vividly right at the same time; kiss me like it was our final meal tonight as if we were going to die tonight, holy cow I just love your eyes that can only help me to see the light and you’re just laying there with you half awake but look it’s a beautiful day.
When my face is chamois creased you may think I winked at you because I did where you laughed politely as it repeats like you kiss me when my lips are thin. Throw those curtains wide because one day like this a year would honestly see me right; baby just throw those curtains wide as a day like this a year would see me right for life.
Just holy cow I just love your eyes now that I can see the light with you as you thrown the curtains wide like today I could spend my day with you like no one else could. Just throw those curtains wide like today we see the sun beaming down on us.
The snowglobe snow stayed settled on the bottom of the floor tonight; no matter how much you tried to shake it to make move to watch it float backdown, there was not a footprint or a wheelchair marks to be seen outside and inside the kingdom of isolation of being trapped into ones body. Then again it looks like I’m the next king of science and maths leaving the mark on the world.
The scientists are howling like the swirling storm that’s inside a test tube but they couldn’t keep it in but heaven knows that they tried; don’t let them in don’t let them in be a good mathematic scientist like you always have to be, conceal don’t feel like you have to let them know but now they know and Stephen Hawking would say “Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change.”
Don’t let it hold you back anymore because Stephen Hawking will say once more “I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road.” before turning away and slamming that door. The people who has a learning disability or something that will take their time what are they going to say or do? Just let the storm rage on because it never bothered them anyway.
It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small to him and the fears that once controlled him now can’t get to him at all. It’s time to see what I can do by testing the limits to make the break through because there’s no right or wrong there’s no rules for him to say he couldn’t do anything as he was free. Stephen once said “I have no idea. People who boast about their IQ are losers.”
It was time for him to let go of what he had suffered for so long he’s now in the wind and the sky; you would never see him cry “I’m not afraid of death, but I’m in no hurry to die. I have so much I want to do first.” yet here I sit and here I’ll stay in the history of time saying that “yes I’m disabled but I know how to carry on with life” the power that I have in my mind will travel through the air and into the ground.
My soul will always be at Cambridge University that one that is crystallises like an icy blast. “It matters if you just don’t give up.” says Stephen the true words if you gave up it wouldn’t matter but it would matter if you don’t give up on yourself. You just rise like the break of dawn and I in the light of the day my conditions never bothered me anyway.
I was six years old as my parents chose to go away yet I was stuck inside a broken life that nobody couldn’t wish away for me not even me; as I was growing up she was so beautiful she had everything and even more, I had nothing other her left over stuff that she didn’t want or just cheap stuff and my only escape was to hide or just running out of the door.
Somebody listen to me please because I’m so use to be hard even being me; yet living in the shadow of someone else’s dream I’m so tired of trying to find a hand to hold but everything that I touched felt cold to me, yet living in a nightmare with no hope or guidance it’s like a never-ending sleep but now I’m wide awake my chains are finally free. So don’t feel sorry for me because all the days collided on less perfect than the next.
I was so stuck inside in someone else’s life because I was always second best “oh I love you now because I realise that it’s safe to be outside to be able to come alive and be who I am. So if you’re listening there’s so much more to me that you haven’t seen; mother, sister, father, sister, mother everything is cool my life is so good. I’ve got more than anyone should because my life is so good; I’m ready to put the past in the past, I was living in the shadow of someone else’s dream was so hard to find my own as everything that I hold everything I touched at the time felt cold to me. Yet I’m loving and living a new day because I’m living it for me; now the I’m wide awake and that I can finally see for who I am, don’t feel sorry for me that you weren’t there for me as you were so wrapped up in her world.
Living in, living in, living in the shadow will be in the back of my mind but I’m always going to live in a new day wether you three are in my life or not.