Daily Stories – Mental Health Issues (28.6.18) – Dark something

People may tell you that they have mental health issues with confidence of being able to trust you or you may find that people can’t talk about it either because they are ashamed of it and people say to them. “Oh come on you don’t have anything to be depressed about” firstly what’s wrong with that statement? Second of all should they even said it in the first place?

I’ve been told that once or quite a few times to be honest when I’ve had my bad days not when I’m on a serve ones. I just literally turn around and tell them how it is people cope with different things and have had things happened to them that is completely different to that person.

Many people who has depression, anxiety and so on talk about this black dog not too sure where that has originated from. Some say they have something different than the black do; I remember my all time favourite author J.K.Rowling talking about her depression, how it made her feel and the dementors that she uses in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban she used them to express how it felt her soul of happiness and free had been literally sucking out of her.

I for one agree with J.K.Rowling that there’s something literally sucking my happiness, freedom and etc at the best of times but I’m not too sure what it is. I know it’s there trying to cause harm to me but I’m not too sure what it is. Yet I know it’s there feeding off my negativity trying to take spit it out and gain control of my mind and soul.

It’s like in the picture down below as you can see on the left you have something that’s positive and loving then the middle the wicked witch and then the skeleton hand with the rose petals dropping that’s like killing the happiness and etc. As you all know I continue to fight my mental health no matter how much I hate it.

You know I don’t let it define me or anything because at the end of the day if I let it win there’s no way I would be able to get out of it. I am known to continue you to fight it, joke about my miss fortunes of my health and whatever been thrown at me. I just literally take it on a chin give it a few days or weeks to digest it all then work out how to control in away that I can.

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (20.6.18) Wednesday – Shut…you’re mouth

Right now I’m in a state of mind of where I want to be like all the time as I’ve got no tears left to cry. I’m picking myself up once again picking myself up because I know I’m loving, living and picking up the pieces once again. Picking it up picking it up, I’m living so I’m turning up a notch yeah I’m turning it up. 

Guess what I have no more tears in my body to cry over how petty you are about saying lies about me; saying to people that I’ve upset you when you don’t even tell me what I did wrong, I’m not waisting my time with you because I’m not like anyone else who has to become so clicky and what not. 

I ran out oh boy I like it, I like it where people tell me information that aren’t true because someone else lying and making me out as a bully. I know full well like I’m not I say how it is but that’s if people need to know what’s on my mind. Doesn’t matter how, what, where or who even tries it. We all know that I’m the one who will win because I’m not that bothered about what other people think of me or anything. I’m just doing my job in and out yes I may of walked straight into the job and be confident in what I’m doing but at the end of the day I’ve got more experience of how to deal with it all than you may think. 

You can’t even get me down even when it’s raining because it can’t stop now as I’m dancing in the rain like I’m dancing on your grave. So you need to shut your mouth. If you don’t want to cause a scene or don’t want to talk to me just shut your mouth because one day I might have a really bad day and tell you how it is even I’m struggling with my mental health. You know how it is if you get the wrong side of me there’s no going back. 

You may see me as a threat but I’m just being me doing my job as I believe in the children as much as you do but I have different attitude and I’m young enough to be their big sister. Just give it up already. As I’ve felt people like you who seem to be everyone’s favourite and think I’ve taken over the show. Honestly I just make people laugh, enjoy being with and most importantly I am who I am. 

I also calling out my mental health to shut your mouth because you’re not nice either I know I’m going to win this fight because I am strong. I am only human after all so don’t rain on me. As I’m the one fighting with you letting you know that I’m not going to be pushed around by you no more…

I am only human after all. I am only human after all so don’t rain on me. 

Everyday Topics: (6.6.18) Wednesday – Ariana Grande suffers from PTSD

“No tears left to cry” Ariana Grande is awesome person, beautiful person and amazing person who can take on anything no matter what life throws at her. So heavily grounded not letting fame get to her head; taking on trolls, haters and many more things. Down to her mothers support, guidance and love. Now like every other person who witnessed, become a victim and many more. Ariana has another thing to face.

Ariana has now has to face Mental Health Issues of PSTD I can understand that she can’t talk about it because it was her show that it happened to; she lost so many fans that day, she had lots of fans became victims of traumatic injuries and feels like it’s all her fault when it isn’t.

Ariana is allowed to feel the same thing as everyone else; she was also effect too because she had amazing time putting all the things into the concert to give her fans the show that they wanted, and someone decides to ruin their Birthday, Christmas present and many more things. A night out watching their idol waiting for a year or so until that night in Manchester turned to a nightmare.

Ariana is 24 years old young singer rose to fame in 2008 throughout acting and singing owning herself a household name from being a childstar with a young strong minded young girl. Not letting her fame get to her head; she helped people to escape from the concert with her mum, she came back after a few months put on the concert in memory of the injured, victims who where there and victims who had lost their lives on the day of the attack.

No matter how much she had to struggle with but she’s loyal to her fans; sharing her feelings, trying to talk about what happened but can’t because she will end up crying and most importantly she is a fan of her fans as they are a fan of hers. She showing them that “it’s okay we are in this together. We are strong. We are one. One love is all we need” she gives so much positive throughout her songs and being a normal human being. She doesn’t use her fame or her fortune to help her to get onto the platform making her big headed. She gets down on hands and knees work with her fans.

That’s what I love about Ariana she’s so grounded and turns every negative into a positive; speaks her mind if she needs to, defend anyone if she needs to and most importantly being her true self. She has a strong mind and she will have PTSD for the rest of her life become anxious every time she goes on stages to perform but with the support of her fans, security and musicians. Most importantly her family and friends close by to get her through it all; she can show the world that no matter how little or how big something might be that can trigger off her mental health she will find away to deal with it. She won’t let her define her and her show to her fans that it’s okay to take baby steps to face your fears. It’s going to be a long recovery for her and her fans.

Few of her videos in memory

Meeting some of her fans

School Choir in memory

Ariana Grande Live One Love Concert – One Last Time

Ariana Grande – No tears left to cry

Wednesday Online Diary Entries: Taking control of the anxiety once again.

The past couple of days haven’t been great to be honest yet that’s probably my fault  who knows; you guys probably say “it’s not your fault…you’re just having a bad time  it’s not your fault. Your just having one of those days” yes it’s not my fault because when it’s in my head it’s a lot harder to get through it, it’s like I didn’t want to go to work (2.5.18) that’s when I knew I’m still letting my anxiety starting to take control. It was like last night I was trying talk to myself that I’ll be fine and so on. 

I know I’m doing the exact routine day in day out get up get ready go out come back home do what I need to do; get ready to go out again for another shift, come home and do a bit of something then go back out again to do another shift (that’s if I’m doing three shifts in one day.) just to keep my mind busy and myself occupied for the day otherwise I’ll be sitting at home wallowing myself pity. 

To be honest that’s why I try and post everyday even if I’m having a bad time or something just to know that I’ve done something positive towards myself even if I’m feeling like I’m useless and what not. I was even talking to someone the other day and I was just saying I might as well give up writing all together because it’s not getting anywhere I want to be and what not. I knew it wasn’t me because I love writing and so on. 

Even if you’re on your own war path with yourself you hurt everyone that you love around you; they know it’s not you talking it’s the anxiety and the depression that’s talking, (I’m only going off with my own experiences) trust me when I’ve been on my own war path people soon realise it’s not me who’s talking. I’m completely someone else not the bubbles person who takes control of the nature of things. 

The fact that I want to share with you the whole taking control of anxiety is by pushing yourself to get through it by taking control of it before it gets worse and takes control of you. Trust me I’ve been there done that got the t-shirt. I’ve let it control me because I didn’t know how to deal with it at the time. Yet people say I’m brave and strong; I’m standing there looking at them, and thinking you only know half of the battle. 

I’ve even started to have hot chocolate every so often just to calm the nerves down especially at night it does work I’ve just tried it last night (1.5.18) it’s like burning/melting away all the bad things that’s triggering it or trying it because it’s like saying enough is enough. I’ve asked a few people who do they who hates their mental health state more than anyone else. Meaning who’s willing to fight it more than people who just let it take control of them. Believe me a fair few people came back to me as said “you” ie “me” this is because they know how much of a struggle that I have had in the past with it and now that I’m taking control of it that’s when I know I’m not letting it define me of who I am. 

Why should other people let any mental health or disability define them from who they are as a person. Please help by donating money via clicking this button here where you will find a suitable price for you to donate or if you like to find out more please go to Payment/Donations Page. 

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Wednesday Online Diary Entries: “the feeling sick in your stomach” – Story Based

Weather this is a Story Based or not but I just thought I’ll put in there just to cover myself if it turns out to be like it. When you get that whole feeling of being anxious and etc you have that knot inside your stomach for the whole day whether it goes or stays it’s like am I going to be sick or not. 

Today (25.4.16) has been a bit of a emotional rollercoaster for me as I’ve been picking up more work to which I don’t mind it gets me out of the house. In between trying to catch up on some sleep but not normally works because I don’t trust myself at the best of times. 

Yet it’s been one of those days where it’s been raining on and off like nobody knows to be honest but it was expected to happen anyway. Like me trying to attempt of getting this blog post done but that was harder than expected but I’ve got it done even if it’s not well and truly planned. 

I’ve managed to create data collection for my facebook page because back in the summer of 2017 I had started to do it but stopped but I’ve decided to do it again. I enjoy doing it to be honest to help me understand who what where and etc. Also give me some sort of positive to be able to see people actually liking what I do than not liking what I do. 

That reminds me I’ve got to do a April Newsletter at some point soon because it’s nearly the end of the month so it needs doing. That’s if I can actually remember what happened haha. This month is going way to fast for my liking. 

Mental Health Issues: Anxiety and Depression gets you into trouble.

Do you find that sometimes you’re mental health issues get you into trouble at the best of times? I find that a lot because either one keeps me up most of the night and I struggle to get out of bed in the morning even if it’s a work day but yet sometimes both attack me at the same time. You know that I hate talking about these types of things but at some point it’s good to talk about these things to be able to make people aware that it’s out there and people need to be aware that it’s happening. 

I do find it increasingly annoying that I try so hard to fight all of this everyday no matter how much I am feeling; I still don’t feel like I’m good enough even when the sun is out I still feel like, even tiny little bits that are really unnecessary to the point of  a dog who’s a pain in the arse who’s constantly barking along with the owners having ago at or something. You’re just like seriously man make my mood feel even worse. 

To be honest it puts me off for even having one long term to be honest with you. No matter how much I like them it’s annoying. I find that even people who are self centred and can be manipulative can make you feel 10 times worse because they always try to find away to change it to where they can make it all about them. That gets me down by no matter what you try and do to help them they use it against you like you haven’t done anything. 

You’re like okay so I’m not allowed to feel or saying anything that’s happening in my life because everything is about you. Okay then. Fine then. Yet they say how can you be so strong and everything. I don’t know I just do I sit on it guard my heart to the point off I explode then they realise not everything is about them at all. They realise you’ve been struggling way more than they realise and you don’t talk about it until you explode in their face. I know when something sent me over the edge I break down crying and I’m just as exhausted more afterwards than ever before. 

Sunday Online Diary Entries: “Disturbia” – Story Based

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum. Repeating over and over in my head what’s wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? I’m going crazy now like no one can hear me or save me now. There’s no more gas in the rig I don’t know even how to get it started but nothing is heard, nothing said, I can’t even speak about it. It’s my life and out of my head yet I don’t want to think about it feels like I’m going insane. It’s like a thief in the night.

A thief that would come and grabs you to which consumes you like a disease of the mind that can control you rather too close for comfort. It’s like throwing your brake lights on as we’re in the city of wonder to which isn’t going to play nice so you better watch out because you might just go under so think twice. So my advice is to train your thoughts to which will be altered so you must falter to be wise.

Your mind is in disturber off mental health it’s like the darkness is the light that disturb you for life; am I scaring you tonight because you’re not use to what you like, the faded pictures that on the wall and it’s like they are talking to me. Disconnecting all the call and your phone don’t even ring but I got out of here or figure this shit out because it’s too close for comfort.

Did you see that thief in the night to come and grab me it would creep up inside me to consume me with the disease if the mind to which control me making me feel like a monster. My mind is being disturbed like the darkness is the light yet it’s talking to me like it’s scaring me tonight.

All I want you to do is release me from this curse that I am in because I’m trying to maintain but I’m struggling. If you can’t help me then just go because I think I’m going to go…

 

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#throwbackthursday: What have you done today to make you feel proud?

As you may of guessed my head hasn’t really been with it this week as much like last week but I’m slightly getting there I think. She says with few red marks on the outside of her elbow arm on the radiator that was on; didn’t really think much off it to be honest because I was happily colouring in my next picture that I had made, along with watching something on the Really app yeah I could feeling it burning but didn’t really think much off it. That’s what you get for not wearing long sleeves.
However with the whole what have you done today to make you feel proud? Well I manage to do a days work with two shifts morning and afternoon with a same driver and the a supposed run at lunch time but cancelled whilst on it haha but hey get paid for it. Even though I didn’t really fancy working at all today to be honest but someone has to earn money don’t they.
In the mist of people making it out that it’s my fault for things as per normal but I managed to create a new picture and corrected it somehow but not sure if I like it or not heyho. Still in the works but I’ve also made a healthy dinner this evening for myself; I know people me craving health food when I’m also craving junk food at the same time, I definitely need my head scanned to see if I’m feeling alright haha.
What have you done today to make yourself feel proud? I would love to know to be honest but I know you guys won’t comment haha. Unless you do then I’m proud of you that you made yourself proud that you achieved something.

Thursday Online Diary Entries: “Heart Attacks makes me have a panic attack” – Story Based

Putting my defences up because every time I fall in love I just have a heart attack or a panic attack when I get hurt or think I’m going to get hurt. I seem to never learn when I put my heart out on the line because I always say “yes” if I really like the guy but actually the trouble is I get taken for a mug that’s my trouble. That’s when I realise am I really ever good enough when it comes to you?
I don’t care when the guys are after me because I know that when I’m actually know what I’m doing it but as soon as something bad happens; I won’t wash my hair for days missing it making like I’m bouncing a basketball, you make me act like how I use to be when you set me off from a heart attack thinking that you love me to a panic attack. You make me feel so ashamed of myself like I just can’t hold on to your hand anymore.
You use to make me glow make me feel like I shouldn’t cover it up but now I’ll just show my scares that you make me have because you make me have panic attacks. Now you why I put my defences up because I don’t want to fall in love if I ever did that I think I would have a heart attack and then a panic attack.
Never break a sweat for any other guy because when you come around I get paralysed even when I try to be myself. It comes out wrong like a cry for help but it’s not fair this pain shouldn’t be more trouble than love is worth as I try gasp for air as I’m having a panic attack it feels good but you know how much they hurt me. The feelings that got lost in my lungs like they are burning up but I’d rather be numb because there’s no one else to blame but myself. So scared that I would take off and I run like I’m flying too close to the sun and burst into flames. I don’t want to feel anymore pain in my life or having anymore panic attacks or heart attacks.

Luxurious Beauty: Hate Anxiety with make up on my face!

Recently I may touched on the basis of mental health last week with anxiety and depression. As it’s becoming more and more apparent and aware in this day in age that people are speaking out about it but some people may think “oh get over yourselves and etc” yet actually over the years things have been more successful and more talked about now than back at the times when things weren’t meant to be. Bad things would happen to people who think it isn’t right to be that person. (Not even sure what I meant by that. Must of had a valid point to it)

I find I actually hate talking about it to be honest of the fear of being judged and etc. Yet people may seem to think “oh she’s amazing she’s so positive, looking well and always happy” “didn’t realise she had something wrong in her life” so on and so on. That’s the best bit about having make up on choosing whether to show how ill you really are or make yourself feel good inside and out no matter what the problem is. Then bam anxiety starts to kick in then you start to sweat and what not. You start cry and everything else.

After all that once you calmed down when you just felt so stupid because of it all over nothing; that’s when you look at yourself in the mirror you then realised, but also remembered that you had put make up on and that’s when your like either punched yourself in the face or look like something out of horror film or something along the lines of it.

I hate that to the point of what’s going to be anxiety bulletproof at the end of the day. Just to sort it all out or the best start is control the anxiety as much as you can. Haven’t worked that one out yet guys with the whole thing; I try to come away from all of the social media stuff like messenger, and what not so that the people whom I’m suited with and more like to be more negative to me. Just so that I can control it in the orderly manner but if someone’s got a suggestion of how to keep make up to stay on my face whilst in one please let me know much appreciate it.