Everyday Online Diary Entries: (15.6.18) Friday – Half empty dishwasher put it on or wait until dinner finishes?

I don’t even know if I want to laugh, cry or laugh and cry at the same time. People either have logic or they don’t because who puts on the dishwasher that is half full and waist a bloody dishwasher tablet. Who does that? I nearly bloom cried over that because there was plenty of space for the evening meal to put in it. I then nearly flipping cried over medium plates like you use for toast and etc; they wouldn’t fit in the flipping cupboard, I’m like dishwasher, plates, dishwasher, plates AAAHHHHHH! Half full dishwasher and full cupboard with plates why now!

I wouldn’t be in this position if a) people have common sense of it’s half full why not leave it until later and the plates look pretty full where they go b) stop blinking buying plates we don’t need anymore blinking plates for love of god. I never ever wanted to cry of people’s stupidity of something so simple as this. Half empty dishwasher let’s wait until dinner as we have space for that and there will be space for the plates when some of the plates have come out of the cupboard in the morning. That’s my logic to it all. One of my massive pet hates you can ever ask for in my life.

So whilst I’m working in the morning I get bombarded with messages from let’s say people (friends) but people sounds a whole lot better in this case. I literally was like I’m not responding they know I’m working and doing double shift to earn more money and knowing that I don’t finish at 10:30am. The whole headache hayfever, anxiety and stress was getting to me because of them; can you do this? Can you do that? I’m like I’M AT WORK!

By the time I got home I was quite glad I didn’t have a black out and stuff because it was getting to the stage where I could feel something was coming and I had to eat something then sleep. I literally ignored my phone the whole time because I couldn’t barely look at my phone or need anymore stress. However someone else panicked because they thought something was wrong as I hadn’t messaged them or freaked out on them like I normally do for about 7 hours straight in which it wasn’t like me to them.

So I told them why and they were like don’t do anymore double shifts again; I was like how else am I meant to pay things if I don’t have much money, they went quiet that’s when they knew I was right about something and you could worry about me as much as you like but you tell me to do one thing and then change your mind and do the other but you can’t have both.

I’m just glad that it’s Friday and people can go and do one if they need something from me because I’ve literally had enough of it all to be frankly because I’m doing everything that I can and to survive in this world. I’m going to keep pushing myself until I have a bad moment and then start the whole cycle once again. That’s how I do things.

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Everyday Online Diary Entries: (8.6.18) Friday – 1:45am – 2am spooky on Wednesday night

Other night I couldn’t sleep which is typical me but then again it’s me because I don’t sleep. However not sure what happened on Wednesday night (6.6.18) I couldn’t sleep as my head was being a bit weird to be honest along with my back being painful as per normal. I needed to pee as per normal (I know TMI) this was roughly about 1:45am leading up to 2:00am; typical I need to get the toilet roll as you do but everyone is asleep, and no one decides to go downstairs to get anymore. I hate that when someone leaves a few squares and don’t get more toilet roll.

You know what I had to do….correct your right I had to go and get more for who ever needed toilet roll in the middle of the night or in the morning because I’m nice that like that. However that night it was a lot darker than normal I don’t particularly like the dark especially at 2am in the morning; I ended up feeling myself around the landing for the banister, I have a habit of falling over things in the dark especially a hover and especially the stupid computer charger when someone doesn’t tuck it underneath the second set of stairs.

Let’s get back to me and the first set of stairs and trying to get down them. I’m not confident with the 1930’s stairs due to the amount of times I’ve falling down them during the day; first time I was about 2/3 years old and I rolled/fell down the stairs landed on the metal push chair I had at the time back in the 90’s, I do have a scar to prove it and so I was trying getting down these stairs wasn’t the best thing.

I survived getting to the bottom of the stairs went to the second bathroom to get the toilet rolls to take back up; I put them on the radiator cover so I could take a paracetamol for my back, and something to eat as I was hungry. I then went back took the toilet rolls after trying to find them; found the door to the dinning room, and finally found the radiator cover with my 4 toilet rolls.

I then had to climb back up the creepy 1930s stairs; I literally couldn’t see the top of the stairs it was that dark, I know for the fact that my house is haunted and everything. I just put the fear out of my head for the time being once I got to the top of the stairs; I managed get back to the bathroom I had to feel around to the toilet holder, found it and replaced it.

I went back to my room as you do feeling your away back of how far are you from your door I literally nearly walked straight into it if I didn’t have my hand out to know where I was. After all of that wild adventure of my house at night; I was just about to get into bed to which I normally plug myself in (headphones) to watch some YouTube videos, I looked at my headphones as I was undoing the tangled nest and I managed to sort it out. I plugged it into the my phone I still didn’t think about it until I looked on my twitter feed as you do; there was an advert playing (still didn’t have my headphones in by this stage), the advert had finished but yet the music was still playing and didn’t really make the connection until I realised it was my music that playing. (MVP – Body (check) song) this is was the last thing that happened at 2am.

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (1.6.18) Friday – Prep for going away but….

Friday has finally arrived I’ve been wishing my week away to get to my mini holiday come sooner; now my anxiety has started to kick in where I don’t want to go, the ifs and the buts the questions of what if it doesn’t happen or what will happen when I get there. I know I’m being stupid and all that. I know I’m being anxious but I can’t help the fact that things might not turn out the way I hoped and what not.

I’ve planned what I want to take and what not just need to put it in my suitcase but I’m stalling time because I know I’ll be freaking out soon enough. I’ve brought a few things that I might need with me which I need to pack. Do need to wash my make up brushes before tomorrow because they do need to be cleaned.

I know I find being at home a bit hard and want to escape but being away from home is another thought. I know I’ll be fine I’m one of those people who just get on with it and do it. As my sister always says to me and her self “you (me) stop being so brave and me (her) be brave” love her pep talk to herself I know that she knows I’m one of those people who just gets on with it and push myself.

The one thing I won’t miss when I do go away is the annoying dogs who are like making my house like a ping pong match. I’m probably over thinking this with the whole it’s not going to happen business it’s just that I can’t get hold of my friend whom I’m going away with. I’m probably over thinking things and they have been busy all day with work all that.

I fell asleep for about two hours or so. I was pretty tired and anxious I just hope that they get into contact soon they know how anxious I get about these things where we arrange something either they come up with an excuse or something. I don’t know probably all in me head as it normally is. I still haven’t heard anything arrrhh hate when people don’t reply even though they know that they need to arrange a time and what not. I knew this would happen they better get into contact soon because I’m not going to pack any further until I hear something from them. Think positive Lizzy think positive.

Friday Online Diary Entries: Being a blogger one massive thing you shouldn’t do!

No matter what you do in your blogs weather you post them or you don’t post them either they are too personal or not. You have the actions that might come back to you; I have had that in the past when I first lashed out when being emotional, things got too much and posted up on social media. Worst mistake ever made. Still get reminded what I done wether it was aimed at me or not but you know you shouldn’t of done it in the first place.

Wether my blog stories are true or not but you know I write warnings and put by them (Story Based) next to them so you know it is actually a story not real life. Today of all days I’ve been a bit of a reck and not thinking straight at all I’ve stupidly wrote a story based on how I was feeling in a story. However it got too personal due to all the hate, anger, upset and every emotion that I was feeling into the story that made it feel like it was real.

I then started to get good reviews knowing that it was a story but stupidly after realising what I done after I sent it to a friend that I shouldn’t of posted it. I took it down hence why it isn’t up anymore; I’m sorry for anyone who has ready it already, if you have not to worries you haven’t missed much and I know it’s just a story but my actions are stupid if it got out of hand.

Think carefully what you do wether you’re too upset or needing to write it all down somewhere. Do it in a journal not as a blog because you never know who will gain access it by hacking into your system. Just be safe than sorry.

Just remember kindness is free sprinkle that stuff everywhere around you. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Remember your only human at the end of the day. Be positive within yourself than being negative towards yourself.

Give a like if you think I should create a google hangout for you guys and you guys can have a chat with me and we can be a positive arrows all the way. What do you think? Smash that comment button if you think it’s a good idea to do so.

Remember be positive, be motivated and be you. Stay safe everybody. Love you all.

Friday Online Diary Entries: “Restless without you” – Poetry Based

Laying in my bed at night most nights I’m easily asleep, my thoughts have left me to go to sleep, some nights I’m laying there gone past midnight, my thoughts wouldn’t let me sleep. 

I look at my phone for the time, it read 2:50am, I roll my eyes turn to lay on my back to stare at the ceiling, I prayed to god that work doesn’t expect me to work in the morning, yet got that feeling it will happen, not long until my alarm on my phone will go off to let me know that it’s time to get up for work.

I turn to my left side to hug my quilt and throws, knowing that I’m too warm for wearing them, well maybe one. I just imagine it’s you that is laying next to me hoping that I can just fall asleep, feeling your strong arms around me, your chest rising and falling as my head goes up and down, feeling your breathe on my head and you can feel the smile on my face by my cheeks rubbing on your bare skin. 

Almost, almost fallen asleep, then my head says “just kidding” breaking up my happy thoughts, I could feel and sense you head a shot gun of wanting to kill my restless negativity that wash keeping me up nearly every night. I knew you wanted to protect me from myself, no matter how much it hurts you too see me in pain, knowing that I’m struggling to control my mind at the best of times. 

The fact that as I’m writing this, I can feel my eyes are dropping off to sleep, yet I’m too scared to put the iPad down, knowing that your not here to help me sleep, or take the iPad away once I have fallen asleep, placing it down next to me on my bed side table.

The thought of you placing a throw over the top of me, you knew how much I hate quilts at the best of times, yet they keep me comfort at the best of times knowing that if you weren’t around, you would know I’m thinking about you as I would hug the quilt, you would fight me for the quilt before you got in to bed. 

Always laugh at the situation because you knew how insecure I am at the best of times. Yet I’m the one who puts up with you’re anxiety as you put up with mine but sometimes yours causes more pain. Yet I’m the one riding yours out more because I know it’s not you; you sometimes remind me of what I’ve done but sometimes you excuse me of being someone else, when I haven’t even done it to you which hurts the most in life. 

Yet I keep forgiving you time and time again I know deep down it’s not really you. Yes you forgiven me taking it out on you and things I’m insecure about sometimes I hate it when I’m not allowed to share how I feel and you tell me that I’m annoying. I don’t tell you how it is or how annoying it is for me or tell you how much it hurts me all the time. 

Yet I’m the one restless without every time. 

Friday Online Diary Entires: Oh my god! Sun is out!

Third attempt to get this post up and running as I started it Wednesday (18.4.19) but stopped because the heat was quite bad but love it though I couldn’t touch my iPad as it was too hot. Along with a headache that was happening ing I couldn’t really concentrate as much as I would off done; hence why the past two days I’ve hardly posted anything, I’m not going to moan about the weather because guess what we’ve had a long winter so get over yourselves people. Then tried again yesterday (19.4.18) trying to write this blog but in the end gave up but did try to write it up on my phone but it seemed to not have worked; so here I am writing it out again but in the nice, and cool of the night before anything else happens. 

To be honest I’m glad the sun is out because it gives me hope that I’m getting better than feeling down and etc. I love the heat the sun and etc because summer is my favourite time of the year I know it should be spring but I think it skipped it out to be honest with you….

Friday Online Diary Entries: “Confrontation with anxiety” – Story Based

Mental Health: At last we see each other plain Monsieur le Maire you’ll wear a different chain I’m going control your head and all of your body making you feel useless unpowered. I’m not going to let you defeat me again. You will not win this war that we have continually.

Kitty Johnson: Before you say another word mental health before you chain me up like a slave again. Listen to me there is something I must do. This life that I want to change I don’t want to suffer anymore or the love ones around me. There is none me who can intercede in mercy’s nam give me three days that’s all I need; I promise to you I will return I pledge my word, I will return.

Mental Health: You must think of me as mad! I’ve haunted you across people like you will never change; you are weak, no one cares about you. People like you can never change believe me what you will.

Kitty Johnson: There is a duty that I’m sworn to do because you know nothing of my life all I did was to fall in love. I’m a stronger person by far and the price I had to pay I’m warning you mental health dare you talk to me of the crime there is power in me yet my race is not over yet.

Mental Health: No you’re number to me is 24601 because my duty to the law of mental health you have no rights; you hade nothing of the world come with me 24601 I haven’t finished with you yet now that the wheel has turned around but not before I see this justice to be done. Kitty Johnson means nothing now.

Kitty Johnson: You know nothing off me mental health! I was born in a good family I wasn’t born a scum like you. I am from a good family.

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Friday Online Diary Entries: “Don’t call this love” – Story Based

Cry in the rain with nothing to say but lately I wonder who you are today why I know all about you however I don’t understand why you won’t save me like you promised me why did things have to change? Oh baby something is going on yet god knows I know you have another agenda yet you can’t keep nothing from me because I know hat I’ve seen now; you can try you’re best to deceive me but I know where you’ve been now, and yet you cry out to me but it’s hard to believe so don’t call this love. I might be no good.
In your eyes only one day you’ll see this I was good for you honey; you need to grow up get your life together as right now we can’t go on now doing this to each other, baby what’s going on I know something is going on. God knows you know. You know you can’t keep nothing from me now because I know what I’ve seen now you try you’re hardest to deceive me I know where you been now and I cry my heart out with the pain.
It’s hard to believe that I don’t call this love listen to me now baby I’ve said to you don’t call this love. You know that you can’t keep your promises other than hurt me more; yet you say that I’m like the ex but you know that I’m not but I keep on putting up with it, until I forgive you more and more making you think that it’s okay to continue doing it but then you can’t keep your word but don’t like it when I cry out in pain. This is because I have had a lot worse damage than you and you keep on doing it. If you want me to love you once more you got to fix my heart and the pain that you done. I’ve already lost the love that I love the most and you’re already heading the same direction.

 

Friday Online Diary Entries: “We are the champions” – Story Based

In the memory of the terror attacks year ago yesterday 22.3.17 in London. I’ve decided to a moving tribute to the lives that have been lost and who have suffered from it.

I’ve paid my dues time after time I feel like I’ve done my sentence for the year but committed no crime or made bad mistakes yet I’ve made a few because I blame myself for it all since that day. I’ve had my fair share of sand kicked in my face but I’ve came through the pains and depression. I just need to carry on and on through life.
We are the champions my friends because we will keep on fighting until the end. We are the champions no time for losers because we are the champions of the world. I’ve taken my bows like it was last day on earth as the curtain calls to close; you brought me fame and fortune, and everything that goes with it. I like to thank you all it’s been like there’s no bed for the roses because there’s no pleasure cruises; yet I consider it all a challenge before the whole human race that we stand together, and I know that I am not going to lose. I just need to carry on and on.
We are the champions my friends and we will keep on fighting to the end because we are the champions no time for losers because we are the champions of the world. We really don’t have time for losers because we are the champions of the world.

Friday Online Diary Entries: “This ain’t a love goodbye” – Story Based

Every night I remembered that evening the way that I looked at you with the way that you knew something was wrong; that’s when I told you that I was leaving you because the amount of times you hurt me with the cruel words and the falsie accusations that you made against me, you didn’t realise how mean it was and the same old frustrations that you took out on me. You didn’t realise that you’ve thrown all of it away because of what you done.

Now I’m a little bit lost without you I’m just a bloody big mess inside this isn’t a love song goodbye. Since I’ve walked away hoping that you would come running after me I’m so tired of being lost and I’m so tired of loosing, all the pain, the hurt and confusion I’ve been so mad about things that I can’t control I’m not one of those people who back down. Yet I’m always finding away coming back to fight even if I’m scare and frightened. I’ll be back and I’ll be coming back to life.

As I know that I’m ready to save myself for all of this pain that it’s not my fault to begin with; yet when the scares are ready to heal I know that I’ll be the one ready to heal properly, I know that this love ain’t a good bye because you know that I’m gonna fight for you no matter what it takes.