Third attempt to get this post up and running as I started it Wednesday (18.4.19) but stopped because the heat was quite bad but love it though I couldn’t touch my iPad as it was too hot. Along with a headache that was happening ing I couldn’t really concentrate as much as I would off done; hence why the past two days I’ve hardly posted anything, I’m not going to moan about the weather because guess what we’ve had a long winter so get over yourselves people. Then tried again yesterday (19.4.18) trying to write this blog but in the end gave up but did try to write it up on my phone but it seemed to not have worked; so here I am writing it out again but in the nice, and cool of the night before anything else happens.
To be honest I’m glad the sun is out because it gives me hope that I’m getting better than feeling down and etc. I love the heat the sun and etc because summer is my favourite time of the year I know it should be spring but I think it skipped it out to be honest with you….
Mental Health: At last we see each other plain Monsieur le Maire you’ll wear a different chain I’m going control your head and all of your body making you feel useless unpowered. I’m not going to let you defeat me again. You will not win this war that we have continually.
Kitty Johnson: Before you say another word mental health before you chain me up like a slave again. Listen to me there is something I must do. This life that I want to change I don’t want to suffer anymore or the love ones around me. There is none me who can intercede in mercy’s nam give me three days that’s all I need; I promise to you I will return I pledge my word, I will return.
Mental Health: You must think of me as mad! I’ve haunted you across people like you will never change; you are weak, no one cares about you. People like you can never change believe me what you will.
Kitty Johnson: There is a duty that I’m sworn to do because you know nothing of my life all I did was to fall in love. I’m a stronger person by far and the price I had to pay I’m warning you mental health dare you talk to me of the crime there is power in me yet my race is not over yet.
Mental Health: No you’re number to me is 24601 because my duty to the law of mental health you have no rights; you hade nothing of the world come with me 24601 I haven’t finished with you yet now that the wheel has turned around but not before I see this justice to be done. Kitty Johnson means nothing now.
Kitty Johnson: You know nothing off me mental health! I was born in a good family I wasn’t born a scum like you. I am from a good family.
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Cry in the rain with nothing to say but lately I wonder who you are today why I know all about you however I don’t understand why you won’t save me like you promised me why did things have to change? Oh baby something is going on yet god knows I know you have another agenda yet you can’t keep nothing from me because I know hat I’ve seen now; you can try you’re best to deceive me but I know where you’ve been now, and yet you cry out to me but it’s hard to believe so don’t call this love. I might be no good.
In your eyes only one day you’ll see this I was good for you honey; you need to grow up get your life together as right now we can’t go on now doing this to each other, baby what’s going on I know something is going on. God knows you know. You know you can’t keep nothing from me now because I know what I’ve seen now you try you’re hardest to deceive me I know where you been now and I cry my heart out with the pain.
It’s hard to believe that I don’t call this love listen to me now baby I’ve said to you don’t call this love. You know that you can’t keep your promises other than hurt me more; yet you say that I’m like the ex but you know that I’m not but I keep on putting up with it, until I forgive you more and more making you think that it’s okay to continue doing it but then you can’t keep your word but don’t like it when I cry out in pain. This is because I have had a lot worse damage than you and you keep on doing it. If you want me to love you once more you got to fix my heart and the pain that you done. I’ve already lost the love that I love the most and you’re already heading the same direction.
In the memory of the terror attacks year ago yesterday 22.3.17 in London. I’ve decided to a moving tribute to the lives that have been lost and who have suffered from it.
I’ve paid my dues time after time I feel like I’ve done my sentence for the year but committed no crime or made bad mistakes yet I’ve made a few because I blame myself for it all since that day. I’ve had my fair share of sand kicked in my face but I’ve came through the pains and depression. I just need to carry on and on through life.
We are the champions my friends because we will keep on fighting until the end. We are the champions no time for losers because we are the champions of the world. I’ve taken my bows like it was last day on earth as the curtain calls to close; you brought me fame and fortune, and everything that goes with it. I like to thank you all it’s been like there’s no bed for the roses because there’s no pleasure cruises; yet I consider it all a challenge before the whole human race that we stand together, and I know that I am not going to lose. I just need to carry on and on.
We are the champions my friends and we will keep on fighting to the end because we are the champions no time for losers because we are the champions of the world. We really don’t have time for losers because we are the champions of the world.
Every night I remembered that evening the way that I looked at you with the way that you knew something was wrong; that’s when I told you that I was leaving you because the amount of times you hurt me with the cruel words and the falsie accusations that you made against me, you didn’t realise how mean it was and the same old frustrations that you took out on me. You didn’t realise that you’ve thrown all of it away because of what you done.
Now I’m a little bit lost without you I’m just a bloody big mess inside this isn’t a love song goodbye. Since I’ve walked away hoping that you would come running after me I’m so tired of being lost and I’m so tired of loosing, all the pain, the hurt and confusion I’ve been so mad about things that I can’t control I’m not one of those people who back down. Yet I’m always finding away coming back to fight even if I’m scare and frightened. I’ll be back and I’ll be coming back to life.
As I know that I’m ready to save myself for all of this pain that it’s not my fault to begin with; yet when the scares are ready to heal I know that I’ll be the one ready to heal properly, I know that this love ain’t a good bye because you know that I’m gonna fight for you no matter what it takes.
The cries, the moans, ghostly aspirations that happen at Beaumont Hall situated in the countryside; yet the village that’s close by sees lights on still, cries, fire and many more strange things after the volunteers of the hall have gone home. Yet no one can understand why or how it happens by the time local services and the volunteers and a few locals got there to help the house out. Nothing was there no fire, no burglaries not even a single soul.
Yet a distance voice of a young girls voice well what sounded like a little girl telling the story but everyone sees this dramatic scene before they turned away witnessing something most terrifying thing that no one could describe that night. The screams that came from the house made them run into the house; this is the story of how a young women lost her love one or so it seems but yet was she pushed or did she fall down the stairs herself.
“Don’t cry for me if you truly loved me you would of been here with me than me dying on the cold stone floor; you want me come find me just make up your mind, and follow the way I died. I should let you fall and lose it all because maybe you could remember yourself; you can’t keep believing that you can have two people at the same time because at the end of the day we’re only deceiving ourselves, and I’m sick of all the lies by the way you’re too late.
You couldn’t take the blame or the sick shame off my death in your life it must be exhausting to lose your own game. The selfishly hatred you had for me no wonder you felt so jaded of feeling trapped you can’t play the victim this time because you’re too late; so don’t cry to me if you loved me you would if been here with me, you want me come find me but just make up your mind.
You never call me when you’re sober only because you want it’s over; how could I have burned paradise? How could I when you were never mine? Get over yourself don’t cry for me if you really truly love me you would of been here with me; don’t lie to me just get your things, I’ve made up you’re mind for you and now it’s time for me to say goodbye…”
Woah oh! I just want to welcome you to the greatest show. The greatest show on earth that you haven’t seen before here is the fairytale that unfolds right in front of you; do you know what’s behind my smoke and glass? Wondering what’s under all of the make up and what’s her story; I’ll let you in a little secret everyone wears a mask, yet are you sure that she’s not selling you here soul? Would you wonder if you be left out in the cold if you knew her story?
To you it’s all blue skies in your world that surrounds you with fun and games until you fall; that’s when you find all along that you’re left without anyone at all because you’re riding on a shooting star with a smile on your face, but as soon as the shine fades and you’re left out all alone wondering where did they all go? Being constantly judged, hated by people who don’t think your great through like but behind the beauty and make up of the mask; you never see the scars that’s been hidden, yet who will be around when the limelight faded? Yet you’ve been shut down by people who you once loved pushed out that made her smile but made her frown.
She learnt to always take a bow. Work with the crowd. Break the ground new each time you stick at it even playing the clown who everyone wants to be around. Even when the lights go down because she has that confidence that no one thought she had; now she can tell you she’s not going anywhere because she is the one that everyone who wants to talk to, she knows that no one can bring her down no matter what they say because she is beautiful and has wings to fly.
No matter how many times she would throw the mirror down to floor; she always use the pain to her advantage because she realises that she’s in struck able, she’s not alone when she screams it all out and hears everyone else screaming the same thing. So that’s why it’s her greatest show by changing her life around.
The hardest part when you have a Autism child and someone who they love the most passes away. What do you do and how do you deal with in telling them in the way that they can understand. It’s never easy to tell a child that a love one has passed away; from experience where an Autism child has been told that a love one had passed away, I managed to entertain the child needed for four hours between both shifts of work that I do.
I took them into town for a bit got a few bits. We went back to his we watched a film that he had mentioned that his love one had gave him for his birthday before she passed away, so we watched it in the memory of them. I knew parts that would make him laugh from the minute go.
The film we watched was Harry Potter and Philosopher’s Stone; the things that might not of been funny to us but funny to him, he would just cracked up laughing especially with one scene with a troll having a wand stuck up his nose and the club landed on his head.
The fact that he laughed at the scenes that made him laugh but also he asked questions about the film that he didn’t understand but he understood after I explained it to him. He wanted me to tell him what was going to happen next a few times but I just said just wait and see.
It was nice to see that to have some fun and laughter inside him to the fact that he had forgotten about the bad times for a while. Just something that has close to put on knowing something was close to him had given its; I knew that he had two close people near him, he had his favourite cousin and watching someone who brought the Harry Potter Collection.
Find ways to do things with your Autism child in away that they can remember them along with something that will help them to stay in touch with them in their special way but also create new memories as well. In the process of letting them go as well.
Whatever you believe this or not it’s up to you. I know the truth that’s all that counts.
I told you when we first met that I had problems but you still loved me know matter what; if you want to help me and be with me take it, because I shouldn’t of said that you should of leave as the amount of times I pushed you away. I tried to hide it. I tried to fake it but I can’t pretend anymore; I only wanted to die alive because of my open wounds have now been opened, knowing that you’ve seen my vulnerability more by the hands of people in my past and I don’t want to hear about the person anymore.
Now that I’ve become who I really am because of you I’m now stronger than I’ve become who I really am; this is the part where I want to say “I want you more than ever” as this is the part where we both know I’m breaking free from my past, because I can’t resist it and can’t go back to it no more. Your better. Deeper inside me with hope and kindness like the highway of goodness.
You always had this little patience with me but I’m still hurting from all of the love that I had lost in the past; I can feel your frustration because all you want to do is stop all of my pain, you just want to hold me close and keep me safe in your arms tonight. Don’t be hard on my emotions because I need time as my heart feel so numb as I’m still healing. Please still have the little patience as I really want to start over again I know that your my salvation because your the one that I can always depend on.
I’m trying to be strong believe me it’s taken it out on me no matter how much anxiety I had to face believe me I’m trying to move on and take control. You know how complicated it is but your the only one that understands me. You can see the amount of scars that have been running so deep; it’s hard to believe that you have been fighting for me, it’s been long for you no matter how painful to see me go through so much and yet still continue to stay put no matter what I chuck at you. You always had that patient for me.
Yet I’m breaking free from all of the pain; finding my confidence once again, making me feeling strong and know when I’m weak. Your my everything as I’ve cried so many tears for you; it’s taken me lot to say but I’ve pushed my pride away to tell you that I love you so much, because what we got is worth fighting for and you are my everything.