Heart beats fast. As you watch and wait in the trenches; colours and promises of how to be brave? How can you love when you just afraid to fall? As I’m watching you standing alone in the no man’s land; all of your doubt suddenly goes away somehow, maybe your one step closer.
You have died every day just waiting to come home; as you look at the photo of your love one, in the silence and the wind had picked up you could hear in the wind. “Darling, don’t be afraid because I have loved you for more than a thousand years. I will love you for another thousand more”
Time stood still. As I watched you look at her picture every single second; I could here you whisper “I will be brave” you wouldn’t let anything be taken away from yourself, I know what’s standing in front of me with every breath and every hour that has come to this
Another day, another step closer because all along that you believed that you would find me. Time has brought you your heart as you have loved me like it has been thousand of years but I will love you for another thousand more. One step closer. One step closer. That I have died everyday waiting for you to come home; in my sleep I could hear your voice “darling, don’t be afraid I have loved you for thousands of years and I’ll love you for a thousand more. All along I believed I would find you”
For Information for today’s events please check out the link below copy and paste
As remembrance Day is drawing in. Every city, town and villages start to decorate their areas to commentate the fallen soldiers who gave their lives for us through World War One, World war 2 and the current wars in Syria and surrounding areas. We also must remember who are still fighting today but as they return they suffer extreme mental health and lost of limbs. Who are battling the next war in their minds. This is a story of what it might be like for a survivor of a solider.
This is a story that I’ve never told. Your now listening to me as I am crying out for your help but you think I’m just doing it for attention; thinking that I’m a bad person but all this is what I have seen in the war zone, yet I have to deal with my injuries, the scaring and the mental issues such like PTSD, Depression and many more. I have to get this off my chest and let it go.
I need you take back the light that the light the war had stole because that’s a criminal and it steals like a pro. All the pain and the truth I just wear it like a battle wound; yet deep down I’m so ashamed so confused, I sit in that room thinking I’m all alone, broken and bruised.
I’m now a warrior with thinker skin and stronger than I’ve ever been I have armour that’s made out of steel because you can’t get in because I’m a warrior once again. Knowing that you can’t hurt me again with the painful memories of what I’ve seen with all of the help that I need to get me by.
It’s like I’m coming out of the ashes of burning eagle; you can save your apologies because your nothing like a liar who don’t know what’s going on in the war zone, I got shame but I’ve also got scars that I will never have to show again. I’m survivor in so many’s than you know; there’s a part of me that I can’t get back as it only took one look, and I’ll be never be the same again. Yet I’m taking my life back today as there is nothing left for you to say because you were never going to take the blame anyways.
I had a notification from YouTube that Helen Anderson had posted up a video; I normally just unclick the notifications off my apps as they bother me a lot when they hang around saying “take notice of me…..take notice of me”, the annoying thing is that I have so many updates on my app that Apple/iTunes won’t let me update them because “there’s a billing problem please take a look at it” I’m like what happened to the whole it’s okay you can still update me or I can update automatically for you button. If anyone knows how to do that please let me know how to do it because it’s driving me nuts. I am OCD when it comes to me and my phone.
Why do I do that? Get an idea of trying to find what I’m doing and not finishing what I started. Keeps on happening. My current feelings at the moment that I wanted to share with you guys is that Autumn and Winter are like the worst seasons that I’ve always hated the most. It’s dark horrible depressing. The worst of it all my birthday is literally in the middle of it all; over the years I’ve began noticing that my birthday is getting depressing because I always wished to be able to sit outside, in the nice warm sunshine but I can’t even do that. Yeah we’ve got this thing of having the Christmas Tree still for my birthday it’s been like that for years; last year I think my my parents had asked if it’s okay to take it down before my birthday, don’t quote to me on that one generally starting to blank my birthdays out now.
I’m not really going to get my hopes up this year for my birthday because I know nothing special is going to happen. It might do but I just not getting my hopes up really. By the way this is what my current feelings are at the moment in time because I wasn’t really sure what to write and my favourite YouTuber gave me the idea when I was watching hers at the time.
This is pretty much is it for now I think for a Friday autumn night. All I want to do is hibernate and not come out. Haha.
The Diary Entries Online back for so more this autumn before the winter comes. It’s your own opinion if you believe this or not. It’s up to you what you believe. At the end of the day I know the truth and I just wanted to share it with you.
No matter what I tell you. You make me out as a liar but I gave into the fire; at least now I should’ve fought it as now that I’m being honest, all I know that I’m a failure because know that I failed you. No one is perfect then you realise the truth of that I should of told you; I know I know I know, I should of done it better but you know me I just give up too easily when I try my best.
You realise that you had everything in front of you and you watched me walk away. I got nothing here without you; this is the one last time I need to take you home to make me feel whole again, for one last time I promise you after that I’ll let you go as she has stolen your heart away from me. All I really care is to wake up in your arms for one last time.
As you watched my body relaxed into your arms you begin to realise that I don’t deserve the pain that you have given me. I know I don’t deserve it but please stay with me for another a minute; I swear I’ll make it worth it, can you forgive me for just letting me have you one last time before you go and be with her. At least if it’s just temporarily I know this is all my fault of pushing you away. I should of been careful and I know, I know, I know I shouldn’t be the one loosing control.
As I slept in your arms not knowing that you would stay the whole night with me; even if I didn’t wake up like I normally do, you were there incase I did and you were still there in the morning watching me sleeping. You placed a kiss on my my forehand as I opened my eyes to see you in front of me. You told me “silly girl…I’m not going anywhere. I’m madly in love with you”……
So it’s Thursday right guys hang on let me check my calendar on my iPad……..and back and do the butterfly. Yes it is Thursday. The fact that I’ve just completed a full week of 30 Days Challenge for Autumn for this week in advance not sure how I managed to do that because this is me people you know me.
I’m kind of fibbing to you still got one more to write to complete this week off but to be honest I am writing this on Monday at the start of the week. So by the time you have reached this blog and this part I’m pretty sure I’ve completed Day 20 already if not then blow me down with cold air. Actually don’t even think about it I’m already cold as it is.
If I could do this for my 25 Days Advent Calendar Blogging do it in a weeks in advance then it would be completely awesome to do. To which it be so easier than being lazy and not doing at all or leaving it to the last minute thing like I did last year. Haha never again. I swear I promised you guys that I wouldn’t do the whole Christmas Advent Calendar Blogging again this year. Then again you guys like this one so why not continue to do it for 31 Days Challenge for Winter along side the Christmas Advent Calendar Blogging. What do you think? Too much? You need a break after this and the Christmas Advent Calendar Blogging?
Let me know and we can decide together what you think. Still can hear fireworks going off outside my bedroom window. Haha.
Wether you believe this or you don’t it’s your opinion I’m not going to judge you for your own opinions. I know the facts and it’s what I want to share with you guys.
Finally this week from the 6th November 2017 I managed to get this weeks 30 Days Challenge for Autumn sorted for the week. To which has given me the time to work on the other days that we haven’t seen or had for a long time; the challenge was meant to give me the courage, ideas and be able to work out what I can write about and yes it’s given me that area of guidance.
To what I owe this pleasure of what could make me happy right now is to be able to live and spend more time with Caspian and achieve what I would like to do in my time of writing and blogging that I can actually get paid for it. The two things that I love and want to do but also be with. This is because they are my go to happiness as I.
Caspian makes me laugh, smile, makes everything go away that’s troubling me for the time he talks to me, spends time with me and many more. The fact that he makes me feel safe and secure about myself is the fact that I know who I am and kind to myself. When he’s not around I’m alone but fighting my darkness of demons as much as I can on my own. Knowing that he’s there in the darkness as I’m coming closer to him. Feeling his 6ft4 dominating much of the past that I had to face alone; I can just feeling he’s presence coming closer, as more of me comes widely open to him.
Writing has always been apart of me to where I can escape to when I need it the most. It’s like my best friend as I use my emotions of what I’m feeling through the characters of what they feeling like at the time. To where I like my audience to know what actually feels like to know the pain of the character must be feeling and etc.
The fact that I’m so use to living inside my head writing is the only way that I can find myself to express how I am feeling than expressing myself to an actual real person.
I first started writing things down for this day but I decided as I was falling asleep that it wasn’t the best or the greatest idea to put it up as it was too personal for me to publish it. This was because I took this time to write it all down how I felt what was causing me to feel this way; I soon realised that I’ve just lifted up a part of a huge weight off my chest that seemed to have troubled me for the much of my life, I can’t post that people will think I’m just being overdramatic and way too personal for me to even share it. So I decided to do a remake of Day 18 Of 30 Days Challenge for Autumn and maybe one day I’ll post up the original or not.
What are deal breakers and what they mean to me in a relationship? For me I witness so many people getting hurt or they finally find their soul mates quickly and efficiently; with me I have to kiss x amount of frogs to know who’s the right sort of person, I thought a fair few people have been the ones but not really. Some just came really good friends.
Deal breakers in a relationship as a partner/friendship and why:
– Being able to click straight away – this means a lot to me because being able to understand each other but also to be able to be weird, funny and awesome together is easier for me to be able to relax more around people than feel tense and not talk much.
– Tallness – I prefer tall guys not because they are easier to ask for things when things are high up but they are more sexy, handsome and cute. Let alone that I’m use to 6ft people in my life anyways it makes me feel comfortable that they are oddly.
– Protective – no matter if they are a partner or a friend they are really protective of me when something is wrong where they are far or wide or close they come to my aid instantly. They are like the most protective people ever; they know I can be tough about things, unless something like my health or family issue or something they come running to protect me and make themselves known spiritually so that I know that they are there.
– Feeling Happy – To be able to feel happy and enjoy life with my friends and the person that I maybe with at the time so that I don’t have to worry about my life as much as I should do.
– Care, kind and respectful – To be able to care about each other along side being kind and helpful when each other needs the support that they need the most. The most important thing of them all is respect; respect each other in the way that you and them want to be treated as equally, with that I like to get on with everyone but I know that can’t be true.
This is a few things that I prefer in a partner and in a friend I do have a few friends who at my height and they have that same aspect of life that I have which is great.
You may think I’m just a pretty girl who looks so innocent but I can swear I can joke; I will say what’s on my mind if I need to be which may lead me to drink or smoke, yet the woman who stood up for us to be able to do things just to keep up with the guys. You can see me holding up my middle finger to the world as I don’t give a fuck about your ribbons or your pearls; as I’m not just a pretty girl that’s just stands in the picture, I am so much more than just a picture and I’m a daughter and as sister.
The fact that it’s a lot harder for me to show who I really am; I know that I’m more than just the silly rumours that you spread around knowing that it’s not true, or even better the song that you play on your computer saying that I remind you of me in that song. There is more to me that meets the eye than people know. I may have days that I’m broken because of no money but when I do have the days when I have money I’m rich as I can be; you can watch, you can stare in judgement that I’m nice to people but when people get the wrong side of me I’m just like the bitch like everyone else yet I’m not sorry for that.
Yet all of the hatred I just don’t let it show because it’s not worth it as you make it out to be. Yes I’ve been through some shit but you can see that I’ve let my hair down sticking my middle finger up to the world because I don’t give the fuck about anything. I just say what’s on my mind when I don’t give a damn about anything. I can swear, I can joke, I can drink and I can smoke like everyone else. That’s because I can keep up with the guys and everyone else.
I maybe just a pretty girl but I am so much more than a number; I am a hater and I’m lover like everyone else yet it’s harder for me to show, as I am more than a title which makes the comment go viral. Yet I’m sorry on the outside but in the inside I’m not sorry. So you can certainly get out of my face if you want to see me like this because I’m not afraid of letting my hair down. As I’m just a pretty girl that needs to be let the rebel out of her because I’ve had enough of it all; yet that it’s completely opposite I’m a rebel who wants to let the pretty girl out, or pretty girl with an attitude. Yet you never know which way I’m coming.
Alzheimer/dementia to me is horrible because seeing someone close to me living with it; having carers helping to look after them whilst looking after my other ill grandparent well keeping an eye on them, ideally looking after the one who needs it the most but at the end of the day they both need looking after.
Yet what’s the best part is that they always catch you out by saying something that you don’t expect them to say or do; but on the other hand it is worrying at the best of times when they do something extremely dangerous, and they don’t remember doing it at all. Let me explain what Alzheimer’s mean.
Alzheimer’s disease is the most common cause of dementia. Dementia describes itself a set of symptoms which includes memory loss, difficulties with thinking, problem-solving or language. These types of systems can occur when the brain is damaged by certain diseases which include Alzheimer’s Disease.
The disease is named after a doctor who has first described it was called Alois Alzheimer to which is a physical disease that affects the brain. There are more than 520,000 people in the UK with the disease. During the course of the disease, proteins build up in the brain to form structures called ‘plaques’ and ‘tangles’. Which leads to the loss of connections between nerve cells and eventually to the death of the nerve cells and loss of the brain tissues.
People who have Alzheimer’s can also have a shortage of some important chemicals in their brain. These chemicals are messengers to help to transmit signals around the brain. Where there is a shortage of them the signals are not easily transmitted to be able to come effectively as they use to be.
To find out more information about Alzheimer’s please click the link below.
The fact that I didn’t get much sleep last night nor had a good start of this morning with my job. The fact that I had thrown myself into doing some paper work for my blogging; whilst watching 6 Days which based on a true story that was based in 1980s in England, then carried on watching it for awhile before I turned to writing this blog for today’s Monday Hustle and Bustle Advice of Blogging.
Just thought I’ll do something else for a change than doing 30 Days Challenge for Autumn Planning there’s too much to figure out and gets boring after awhile. It needs to be written at some point. I’m going to share with you in bullet points of what blog essentials that I can’t live without when I blog.
• My iPad where I do practically everything on
• My blog journal
• Colour pens
• Photo edit
• File for my stats/data collection
• Data collection
These 12 things are roughly what I believe are my essentials due to the fact that I use them everyday without fail. Without them I don’t think I would get very far with it at all. I prefer to be organised and have a system that works easier than me to use than be completely hopeless; I’ve had so many other systems that I have had tried to use in the past, but each time I change how I would like to do it so I know how I want to do it professionally and get my head around it all.
I’m pretty sure that I’ve missed a lot more out of the list of essentials that I can’t live without but I can’t remember what. I do have to say this was a quick and easy Hustle and Bustle Advice of Blogging for this week ever to write. I knew what I was writing and drawing it up was easy to do than not knowing what to write at the best of times.
What are your blogging essentials? What would you recommend me to try out? Let me know.