Everyday Online Diary Entries: Storm Thursday (31.5.18)

Storm is once back again today for the end of May 2018 for the United Kingdom (31.5.18) today has been pretty much a long day for me to be honest I hate long days when I haven’t done much to be honest. However at 4:35am this morning it was completely foggy couldn’t see any of the small trees as I was looking out of my window that sat in my next door neighbours gardens; all I could see was this huge tree sitting in the car park of a restaurant that literally sits not to far from the end of my garden, just looming over everything like it was just outside my window even though it’s like in the next road. It always reminds me off the muppet character called “Sweetums” the big hair guy. Over the years I barely even noticed the resemblance of it all but at least 3-4 years the more I paid attention to it the more I actually could see it in the dark and the fog.

Later on in the day whilst things had started to brew over time; my autistic cousin messaged me to remind my mum his aunt to get the washing in as it’s about to rain/raining, so I had to move from the nice and warm comfort of my once messy floor room to go outside to tell her and the fact that he was sweet enough to message me to go and tell her was one thing. Even if it was joint effort with his mum telling him about it and get me to go and tell my mum. Then telling me about something important that was happening in like two months time and asking me what time would I be there and etc I was like I haven’t even thought about it as it’s ages away like another month. We have a special connection me and my cousin.

To be honest I’ve just spent at least half an hour just cleaning apart of my floor and hoovered it; from the door to my bed and visa bed to the door. It really needed doing to be honest with you not too bad but due to my tight muscle in my lower back I couldn’t spend too much time like bending up and down for long period of time. People say it’s because of my weight. However I know exactly what it is and what caused it. Just the job that I’ve been doing for the past 7 years doing the wrong sort of moving handling even though I’ve been trained but still do it wrong all well. Another thing I have to worry about along with the ligaments and the sprains and everything else. I think I’m just generally falling apart and I’m only **** years haha.

The fact we all know I get quite sassy when it comes to certain things you definitely will know that I will say as it is and be sassy after being down for so long. If you don’t…you do now because my friends always point it out to me when I do it to them and I don’t realise I’m doing it until they say. Just come to realise that I’ve just written a whole blog for you guys without thinking much about it and it’s not gibberish. That’s another thing that you guys may find about me when I do a very long blogs you know I’m on top form along with a few scheduled ones in the mean time as well.

I have planned some bits with this diary entry in my plotting journal book which to be honest is quite handy for me as I do watch a fair bit amount of youtube recently and my iPad is the only thing that I can actually watch things on it. So it gives me that effort, the push to say “hey you need to get back into writing in journals again get off the iPad and watch something. Whilst you do that write ideas down in your journal book.” So I have started writing back into one of the journals that I have and I’ve found two positive books that I started I think it was sometime last year I think it was. I kept on loosing one or the other; I think I might actually use one for Life on the open road project and one just general positive book, so I can start writing Life on the open road project blogs for you all in a diary form.

Chinese food tonight yum and saved off for lunch tomorrow now. All and all today been alright. Just be you, love yourself, don’t let peoples negativity harm and don’t let your own negativity thoughts control over you.

Everyday Online Diary Entries: (30.5.18) Wednesday – Finding yourself again.

Life on the open road is like a blanket journal that has no ending to it as you fill the pages up when you go along. I guess it’s like that when your first born to the world that you make what you are over the years of growing up. Looking back I guess I was outgoing at somethings like saying what I mean and be quite a lot straight forward where I don’t like something. Along side with being rather softy but fair at the same time.

Since the rain has arrived yesterday (29.5.18) I’ve been a bit struggling the worst bit is it’s the holidays for the week and it’s like I could do something but it’s either I can’t or I can’t be bothered. That’s when I start to think about things that I know I shouldn’t be thinking. I do however put my make up on and do my hair everyday so that I can feel slightly good about myself in so many ways.

Yeah I don’t sleep that well most nights recently it’s become a lot worse minus last night (29.5.18) it’s not because I sleep through the day it’s generally because my head can’t shut up talking. I should be currently finishing tidying me room; well see the floor at least so that I can walk across it properly, I want to do it but I just can’t be bothered and so on.

Happily writing blogs and watching YouTube videos at the moment yeah I’m struggling again with my blogs but at the end of the day it’s something worth while and for me it’s like a safe haven for me because I can put my emotions and thoughts down. Weather it’s a story, Life on the open road project, (to which I need to write a page on it might nick a few bits from here) and many others.

The fact that I’ve been trying to find myself a bit more by sorting out some of the things that have been dragging me down the past year or so; yet still got a long way to go to be fully complete at the end of the day small steps in recovery is good enough for me, and good enough for you guys too……

Friday Online Diary Entries: Being a blogger one massive thing you shouldn’t do!

No matter what you do in your blogs weather you post them or you don’t post them either they are too personal or not. You have the actions that might come back to you; I have had that in the past when I first lashed out when being emotional, things got too much and posted up on social media. Worst mistake ever made. Still get reminded what I done wether it was aimed at me or not but you know you shouldn’t of done it in the first place.

Wether my blog stories are true or not but you know I write warnings and put by them (Story Based) next to them so you know it is actually a story not real life. Today of all days I’ve been a bit of a reck and not thinking straight at all I’ve stupidly wrote a story based on how I was feeling in a story. However it got too personal due to all the hate, anger, upset and every emotion that I was feeling into the story that made it feel like it was real.

I then started to get good reviews knowing that it was a story but stupidly after realising what I done after I sent it to a friend that I shouldn’t of posted it. I took it down hence why it isn’t up anymore; I’m sorry for anyone who has ready it already, if you have not to worries you haven’t missed much and I know it’s just a story but my actions are stupid if it got out of hand.

Think carefully what you do wether you’re too upset or needing to write it all down somewhere. Do it in a journal not as a blog because you never know who will gain access it by hacking into your system. Just be safe than sorry.

Just remember kindness is free sprinkle that stuff everywhere around you. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Remember your only human at the end of the day. Be positive within yourself than being negative towards yourself.

Give a like if you think I should create a google hangout for you guys and you guys can have a chat with me and we can be a positive arrows all the way. What do you think? Smash that comment button if you think it’s a good idea to do so.

Remember be positive, be motivated and be you. Stay safe everybody. Love you all.

Sunday Online Diary Entries: “Written in the stars” – Story Based – Countries who celebrate Mother’s Day (13.5.18)edel

Oh it’s written in the stars a million miles away but the main message is “thank you Mum and Happy Mother’s Day” seasons come and go but I will never change because I’m on my way home soon. Let’s go because you are now listening to me now as you can hear my voice in the wind; they say that they have heard nothing like this in a while, that’s why they play my song in so many different languages and that’s because I got more hits  than a disciples children.

Mum now I’m like a young man or young woman I only cry over massive attacks that I may witness from the front line to terrorist attacks to home attacks. I stay out of trouble where I make hits that will work with a racket or a bat on the playing field; without you I wouldn’t be the same because look at my jacket and hat, I’m look so damn good and I’m so down to earth. 

I’m brining gravity back by adopting by the major of my state, county, my army family because I want my family back and the people who work so hard just to get their salary taxed where the hell is all the sanity at. I use to be that kid that no one cared about at the end of the day. That’s why you have to keep screaming until they hear you out. 

It’s written in the stars a million miles away a message to the main person because seasons come and go but I will never change as I’m on my way home to you. All you done for me I was the one that needed to change but I’ve never changed from being your son or daughter. When we ate we always tipped the waiter or waitress but I needed a break I needed some home truths even for a second I even gave up believing and praying; I kept you awake when I got into the wrong crowd since that day I had a cunning plan to change my life around, you thought it was a good idea because I wasn’t going anywhere but I knew I that someday I will understand and you always told me you’re messages are written in the stars. 

As I look up to the sky I can see your messages in the stars clear as day I knew you written them a million miles away. I promise you now that I will never change now and go back to the way I was. We won’t change because I’m in my way home now.

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Saturday Online Diary Entries: “Back for good” – Story Based

I guess now it’s time for me to give up because I feel it’s time got a picture of you beside me; there’s a mark still on your coffee cup yet I’ve got a fist of pure emotion in my head has shattered dreams but I’ve got to leave it all behind now, whatever I said and whatever I did I didn’t mean it I just want you back for good. Whatever I’m wrong just tell me the song and I’ll sing it. You’ll be right and understood where I am coming from. 

Unaware but underlined I figured out this story but it wasn’t good but in the corner of my mind I celebrated glory yet that wasn’t meant to be; in the twist of separation you excelled at being free, and you can’t find a little room inside me. 

We’ll be together this time it will be forever with our continues fights and forever love we will be complete in our love. We will never be uncovered again. Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn’t mean it because I just want you back for good. Whatever I’m wrong just tell me the song and I’ll sing it and you’ll be right and understood. 

I guess now it’s time that you came back for good….

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Friday Online Diary Entries: “Restless without you” – Poetry Based

Laying in my bed at night most nights I’m easily asleep, my thoughts have left me to go to sleep, some nights I’m laying there gone past midnight, my thoughts wouldn’t let me sleep. 

I look at my phone for the time, it read 2:50am, I roll my eyes turn to lay on my back to stare at the ceiling, I prayed to god that work doesn’t expect me to work in the morning, yet got that feeling it will happen, not long until my alarm on my phone will go off to let me know that it’s time to get up for work.

I turn to my left side to hug my quilt and throws, knowing that I’m too warm for wearing them, well maybe one. I just imagine it’s you that is laying next to me hoping that I can just fall asleep, feeling your strong arms around me, your chest rising and falling as my head goes up and down, feeling your breathe on my head and you can feel the smile on my face by my cheeks rubbing on your bare skin. 

Almost, almost fallen asleep, then my head says “just kidding” breaking up my happy thoughts, I could feel and sense you head a shot gun of wanting to kill my restless negativity that wash keeping me up nearly every night. I knew you wanted to protect me from myself, no matter how much it hurts you too see me in pain, knowing that I’m struggling to control my mind at the best of times. 

The fact that as I’m writing this, I can feel my eyes are dropping off to sleep, yet I’m too scared to put the iPad down, knowing that your not here to help me sleep, or take the iPad away once I have fallen asleep, placing it down next to me on my bed side table.

The thought of you placing a throw over the top of me, you knew how much I hate quilts at the best of times, yet they keep me comfort at the best of times knowing that if you weren’t around, you would know I’m thinking about you as I would hug the quilt, you would fight me for the quilt before you got in to bed. 

Always laugh at the situation because you knew how insecure I am at the best of times. Yet I’m the one who puts up with you’re anxiety as you put up with mine but sometimes yours causes more pain. Yet I’m the one riding yours out more because I know it’s not you; you sometimes remind me of what I’ve done but sometimes you excuse me of being someone else, when I haven’t even done it to you which hurts the most in life. 

Yet I keep forgiving you time and time again I know deep down it’s not really you. Yes you forgiven me taking it out on you and things I’m insecure about sometimes I hate it when I’m not allowed to share how I feel and you tell me that I’m annoying. I don’t tell you how it is or how annoying it is for me or tell you how much it hurts me all the time. 

Yet I’m the one restless without every time. 

Thursday Online Diary Entries: Pot Noodle time!

Just had or earlier I did have Beef Tomato sauce Pot Noodle for my lunch was going to have the other day but didn’t I think I just slept monjority of the day that day. As you may can tell I do like my sleeps; I was getting better in not sleeping during the day but since being ill, going back to work I’ve gone back to that cycle off falling back to sleep and etc really need to stop sleeping during the day. 

Not cool though waking up at 5:00 in the morning half an hour before your alarm goes off but knowing that you were working a bit later than normal; but still not cool man when you want to have a bit more of your beauty sleep, I still ended up sleeping as soon as I got back home when I should of washed my hair and did my face. Oh well. 

The sun is out and warm apparently it’s here to stay for the bank holiday weekend that’s the rumours anyway; typical English weather could happen either way, it would be nice to have some sunshine staying put for a change. 

Before I continue working on a short story for Adventures of Borthwright Children that I started in the middle of the night; I might as well finish this off that’s taking me all day to do, as I’ve been on and off with it all day because I’m talking a load of rubbish today and I know I know it should be a free style blog but why can’t it be one of those online diary entries that I can just talk freely to be honest with you. I just wanted to sit down and write nonsense with a purpose. 

I’ve got a question for you is it right for someone who was attempting to rob a 78 year olds house but got killed by the 78 year old elderly person who was defending himself. On the day of the funeral the robber who passed away gets police protection and the 78 year old who can not live in their own house in fear of being robbed again. Do you think it’s fair that the 78 year old pensioner who worked all their life; paying their way live through the end of the Second World War and other little wars, making sure that their family have a good life and etc to be frightened and can’t rely on the services anymore for protection as they proven to protect the robber who was stealing in the house? 

The justice in my opinion these days have completely gone out of the window because elderly people who earned their way in life to make the world and their country a better place for us to live should be more protected from people who think it’s okay to steal from other peoples good hard earned money and get away from it. It’s not the first time I’ve talking to someone about this well similar situation but someone I knew brought a lot of moneys worth of goods and only received some of it. Yet the person who thought it was clever to steal X amount of goods that someone else paid and they steal it for themselves or to flog it off to someone else because they didn’t have to pay for it. Personally that’s just wrong to be honest I had the same situation where I ordered something for someone I know it was a cheap thing but I brought it for someone that I cared about and I received one set for myself and the second set for someone else on which never came. I complained that I ordered two of the same thing but the second lot didn’t come with the others that had arrived.

Of course I got them replaced and sent to me and so did the other person with their x amount of goods that they ordered. These days people are so desperate to get things for free but at the end of the day if they want something go and get a job earn the money show your children how to earn and live their life not show them how to set a bad example. Would love to know your opinion of this topic?

Wednesday Online Diary Entries: Taking control of the anxiety once again.

The past couple of days haven’t been great to be honest yet that’s probably my fault  who knows; you guys probably say “it’s not your fault…you’re just having a bad time  it’s not your fault. Your just having one of those days” yes it’s not my fault because when it’s in my head it’s a lot harder to get through it, it’s like I didn’t want to go to work (2.5.18) that’s when I knew I’m still letting my anxiety starting to take control. It was like last night I was trying talk to myself that I’ll be fine and so on. 

I know I’m doing the exact routine day in day out get up get ready go out come back home do what I need to do; get ready to go out again for another shift, come home and do a bit of something then go back out again to do another shift (that’s if I’m doing three shifts in one day.) just to keep my mind busy and myself occupied for the day otherwise I’ll be sitting at home wallowing myself pity. 

To be honest that’s why I try and post everyday even if I’m having a bad time or something just to know that I’ve done something positive towards myself even if I’m feeling like I’m useless and what not. I was even talking to someone the other day and I was just saying I might as well give up writing all together because it’s not getting anywhere I want to be and what not. I knew it wasn’t me because I love writing and so on. 

Even if you’re on your own war path with yourself you hurt everyone that you love around you; they know it’s not you talking it’s the anxiety and the depression that’s talking, (I’m only going off with my own experiences) trust me when I’ve been on my own war path people soon realise it’s not me who’s talking. I’m completely someone else not the bubbles person who takes control of the nature of things. 

The fact that I want to share with you the whole taking control of anxiety is by pushing yourself to get through it by taking control of it before it gets worse and takes control of you. Trust me I’ve been there done that got the t-shirt. I’ve let it control me because I didn’t know how to deal with it at the time. Yet people say I’m brave and strong; I’m standing there looking at them, and thinking you only know half of the battle. 

I’ve even started to have hot chocolate every so often just to calm the nerves down especially at night it does work I’ve just tried it last night (1.5.18) it’s like burning/melting away all the bad things that’s triggering it or trying it because it’s like saying enough is enough. I’ve asked a few people who do they who hates their mental health state more than anyone else. Meaning who’s willing to fight it more than people who just let it take control of them. Believe me a fair few people came back to me as said “you” ie “me” this is because they know how much of a struggle that I have had in the past with it and now that I’m taking control of it that’s when I know I’m not letting it define me of who I am. 

Why should other people let any mental health or disability define them from who they are as a person. Please help by donating money via clicking this button here where you will find a suitable price for you to donate or if you like to find out more please go to Payment/Donations Page. 

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TuesdayOnline Diary Entries: “The thoughts are getting louder!” – Story Based

I can’t control this feeling that’s happening inside me it feels like our senses has come alive where the chemistry is building; it’s something that we are feeling there’s nowhere you can hide. Yet it’s becoming louder and it’s getting louder. We are going to get stronger, going to feel better because you know that you can’t tame this energy inside.

I’ve got to reach higher like I want to burn like a fire because you got to move faster as you can’t tame this energy inside. The perpetual emotion is just a ripple in the ocean like a shadow in the night but the changes that we make is for the better because we’re going through it together there’s nowhere you can hide. 

It’s more than just a feeling where we’re we are building a dream that we’ve always had when we have our clear sights on it. We watch it ignite as we know how to survive because we are the powerful that can change the world as we are reclaiming our unity that can’t divide us or push around. We are tearing it down because we are tearing it down as we are having the time of our life. 

They can hear the thundering sounds under their feet wondering what’s happening because it’s going to get louder we are getting stronger as we are going to feel better they can’t tame this energy inside anymore. We are going to reach higher we going to burn like a fire; they can’t mice any faster like we can, they can’t tame this energy inside. 

Our love is growing faster, louder, stronger, better, faster, louder and better because we can’t tame this energy inside. 

Monday Online Diary Entries: “Hero” – Story Based

As like I said in my Monday 30th April 2018 Hustle and Bustle Advice of Blogging this week will be a hit and miss with my blogging. Due to being unwell but thank you for you’re patience. 

I’m always going to be you’re hero if I danced when you asked me to dance? I would never run and look back because we came so far together; if I wanted to leave I would off done it a long time ago, I would cry if I saw you crying but I will always save your soul tonight like you save my soul tonight like you always do. Would you tremble if I touched your lips? 

Would you laugh? If I told you how much I loved you so much. So please tell me this now would you die for the one you love? Would you stay by me forever and hold me in your arms tonight? I can be your hero baby I can kiss away the pain because I will stand by you for ever you will alway can take my breath away. 

Would you swear that you’ll always be mine? Would you lie? Would you run and hide? Am I too deep? Have I lost my mind? But I don’t care because you are here tonight. I just want to hold you and stand by you forever I’m going to kiss away all the pain that we have. I know that I’m you’re hero and you are mine. 

Am I in too deep? Have I lost my mind? Well I don’t care because you’re here tonight so I can be you’re hero.

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