This is your own decision Weather this is just a story or based on a true fact. I would like to remind you this is your own opinion and I know the truth behind this story.
I use to run home everyday glad to be away from school and etc as I use to be called names, made fun at, they wouldn’t let me play and the words or laughter “hey Elizabeth why did you do that?” “Hahaha, you can’t spell girl” they would pull my hair and took my chair away. I kept on pretending that I didn’t care “Hey Elizabeth you’re so funny you got teeth like bugs bunny”
Oh so you think you know me now. Spreading lies about me all your life but actually have you forgotten how you would make me feel; when you dragged my spirit down but thank you for my the pain, it has now made me raise my game I’m still rising and rising who doesn’t give a damn about you anymore. Yeah!
Yet so many of your jokes now are broken they don’t work on me no more; you’re the one who is now alone, but who’s laughing now as the bar has raised up a lot higher than you set it. You can hit me hard with your playing cards to become a star but you know who’s the actual star of the show.
Oh now I’m making money more money than you are; you just want to use my fame by sending Facebook request because you went to school with me, but you only know my name. “Oh Lizzy we knew that you could make, I would love you to sign it for me” So you think now that I’m signed to book deals and etc; my pockets are lined with gold, four years down the line I’m still in the que to get the deal. “Oh Lizzy I saw your blog work and decided to tag old photos when we were at school”
Lizzy! she broke out of the box you swallowed your pride when you got that ego cough, (cough cough) let the haters hate when they see the man who I am with. I’m like your way too late to be my close friend now; click click to see I got a message from you. “Hola, I’m proud of you” I roll my eyes and say what I’m thinking out loud “who’s laughing now” I just don’t care what you say to me now that I’ve got my chance in life and now I can laugh at you all the way. Tell you where to shove it where the sun doesn’t shine. I’m the one who’s laughing at you now.
I had a notification from YouTube that Helen Anderson had posted up a video; I normally just unclick the notifications off my apps as they bother me a lot when they hang around saying “take notice of me…..take notice of me”, the annoying thing is that I have so many updates on my app that Apple/iTunes won’t let me update them because “there’s a billing problem please take a look at it” I’m like what happened to the whole it’s okay you can still update me or I can update automatically for you button. If anyone knows how to do that please let me know how to do it because it’s driving me nuts. I am OCD when it comes to me and my phone.
Why do I do that? Get an idea of trying to find what I’m doing and not finishing what I started. Keeps on happening. My current feelings at the moment that I wanted to share with you guys is that Autumn and Winter are like the worst seasons that I’ve always hated the most. It’s dark horrible depressing. The worst of it all my birthday is literally in the middle of it all; over the years I’ve began noticing that my birthday is getting depressing because I always wished to be able to sit outside, in the nice warm sunshine but I can’t even do that. Yeah we’ve got this thing of having the Christmas Tree still for my birthday it’s been like that for years; last year I think my my parents had asked if it’s okay to take it down before my birthday, don’t quote to me on that one generally starting to blank my birthdays out now.
I’m not really going to get my hopes up this year for my birthday because I know nothing special is going to happen. It might do but I just not getting my hopes up really. By the way this is what my current feelings are at the moment in time because I wasn’t really sure what to write and my favourite YouTuber gave me the idea when I was watching hers at the time.
This is pretty much is it for now I think for a Friday autumn night. All I want to do is hibernate and not come out. Haha.
Wether you believe this or you don’t it’s your opinion I’m not going to judge you for your own opinions. I know the facts and it’s what I want to share with you guys.
Finally this week from the 6th November 2017 I managed to get this weeks 30 Days Challenge for Autumn sorted for the week. To which has given me the time to work on the other days that we haven’t seen or had for a long time; the challenge was meant to give me the courage, ideas and be able to work out what I can write about and yes it’s given me that area of guidance.
To what I owe this pleasure of what could make me happy right now is to be able to live and spend more time with Caspian and achieve what I would like to do in my time of writing and blogging that I can actually get paid for it. The two things that I love and want to do but also be with. This is because they are my go to happiness as I.
Caspian makes me laugh, smile, makes everything go away that’s troubling me for the time he talks to me, spends time with me and many more. The fact that he makes me feel safe and secure about myself is the fact that I know who I am and kind to myself. When he’s not around I’m alone but fighting my darkness of demons as much as I can on my own. Knowing that he’s there in the darkness as I’m coming closer to him. Feeling his 6ft4 dominating much of the past that I had to face alone; I can just feeling he’s presence coming closer, as more of me comes widely open to him.
Writing has always been apart of me to where I can escape to when I need it the most. It’s like my best friend as I use my emotions of what I’m feeling through the characters of what they feeling like at the time. To where I like my audience to know what actually feels like to know the pain of the character must be feeling and etc.
The fact that I’m so use to living inside my head writing is the only way that I can find myself to express how I am feeling than expressing myself to an actual real person.
What would make you happy right now?
Wether you believe this or not it’s your opinion not mine. I respect your opinion but I know what’s true.
When I first met you I don’t know where to begin; so I start by saying that I would refuse forget you, I would refuse to be silenced and I refuse to neglect you because that’s for the every last soul up in heaven who sacrificed their souls to save ours. Even if I never met you I know that you could of been my dad, my mum, my sister, my brother, my niece, my nephew, my daughter or my son. Waving a plain white sheet out on the no mansland; but I can see your white tee up there in heaven as I’m with my friends on the ground trying to see up there knowing that your now at rest, and feeling free from all the pain you have up there.
I can feel your pain on the ground of who you have left behind; but we went back to the block where you grew up with your children, chilling out watching the other children running around playing in the road and the troubled water cams running past. That’s when I swiftly grabbed hold of your children; having to witness your death, and hearing how you died as we ran away from the torment that you had endure. I’ve come back with an army to build you a bridge to come back over for visits like they remember you.
When you’re weary and feeling small; the tears are in your eyes I will dry them all, I’m on your side and when the times get rough and tough. Friends are not only just can be found; theres a bridge over my trouble waters, thats where I will lay and just lay you down right there so that I can get comfort near you. There’s so much pain in my heart my community has moved me; they choose to gleam their bright light as we are facing the dark.
When you’re down and out walking the streets; the evening will fall so hard like a arm is wrapped around my shoulders, a voice will say “I will comfort you…yes I will” I’ll take your part when the darkness comes and all the pain is all around. I will lay down next to you; over the trouble waters but waiting for you to come across the safe crossing of the bridge, to be able to see you once again.
I refuse to forget you. I refuse neglect you. I refuse to let you go. I will fight for your memory. Your my hero, my saviour, my world and my protector. Lest we forget.
Once again I would like to remind you that you can believe this is true or not it’s your own opinion at the end of the day. I write what I write and that’s all that matters to me.
I know that I’ve messed up a lot but I know that you would never let me give up; with all the nights, the fights, the blood and the break ups. You’re always the one to call up to see if I’m okay; I know that I’m a pain, I’m a child and I’m afraid but yet you always understand like no one could understand. Knowing that we don’t look like much but no one can fuck it up like us.
When I’m laying in our bed feeling unwell you come in; never even judged me on how I looked that day, from just having a bug or having a bad day with my health. Your always there when I need you; wrapping your arms around me keeping me safe, even when we go out for a function I try my best to go and put a brave face on. I know that when I’m with you. I’m standing with an army full off support from you. Even when the dark times are so bad you can always find the bright side; I am amazed by the things that you would sacrifice, just to be there for me even when I hear you sing out tune I would laugh as I cringe and trying to stop you from singing I would kiss you to make you stop.
Yet your my everything so please don’t change a thing as we both know what they all say about us; as they don’t even stand a chance, because I am with you and yet you understand me and I understand you like no one can.
Through the wind and rain we finally got here; now that we got here by flying with no fear; we’ve been in pain for so long as I stare in your eyes it’s all gone, even through the wind and the rain we burn so bright and learn to fly through the flames and hold on tight with so many things that could go wrong. Yet as I look in your eyes they are all gone.
In my dreams it feels like we are forty stories high; whenever you come around it’s like we are untouchable like we are not going to fall, is it safe to say the sound that we hear is the words of untouchable. The feeling of alone is only real when you’re not around; whenever I’m walking in the rain, the sun goes down and the one thing that can save us is our love. I need to hear you again but also to show me how because I know that our love shouldn’t be so hard yet we find ourselves standing in the dark. You always light up where ever I go and I know that my heart shouldn’t beat so hard; but I’m swimming with the sharks, yet you light up and keep me out of the cold, the nightmares are only real when you’re not around and yet my candle in my heart is starting to burn out.
Whenever you’re gone; I’m waiting at the door like everything’s hurting like before, however without any meaning we just skin and bone like beautiful robots dancing alone. Your my world and my protector. Your men and women are my protectors when our gone.
Online Diary Entries: Are they true or are they made up? You decide what the answer is.
The second part of my The Truth, The Bad and The Ugly. I wasn’t really going to do the second part to this story; but the fact that I was so upset, angry and missing Caspian. Lots of things happened yesterday (Tuesday 26th September 2017) I literally had a complete reality check of everything. I took it all out in the blog post that I put it up today.
The truth is it’s the first time that I’ve been apart from Caspian for a week; this is because we use to message, talk and etc everyday. I could handle the odd few days without him when he was busy and off on business trips. When it came to near death experience of myself which lost his late mother in 20 years ago I didn’t want him to be put into that position again with me. The fact I try not to talk about my relationship on here as much but when I find it hard to write a blog I don’t bother but when it comes to my feelings about things I just put pen to paper and write. Other than me forcing the pen to write something on a blank piece of paper that didn’t want to be written on if it wasn’t meant to be written on at the time. The fact that I just adapted Caspian’s positivity quote and his advice on things goes to show how much I love him and shows I listen to him more than anything in the world. He is my rock and without him I don’t know what I would do without him to be honest with you.
The bad thing is I let my insecurities get the better of me at the best of times. I also start to freak out and start pushing Caspian away even when he’s trying so hard to keep me away from my sheer demons of depression that I can get myself into. It is hard work to get me out of it but at the end of the day if I didn’t have him I think I would be worst off than I have already.
The ugly thing is that when I have someone that close; I know that I can’t have them for some odd reason, most of the time is all in my head and I’ve always told myself that. That’s why I think I have a lot hatred towards myself and push people away especially guys who I let in close they stay that way because they know I have those issues of do I actually know they want me or not. Since being with Caspian for 4 months he stayed put because he loves me even with my demons that I can’t seem to control without him. I know that if I have to control it on my own half the time because I can’t rely on him all the time.
However I can’t wait for him to come home at the weekend. I just want him home I just miss him so much. Don’t like the 5 hours difference between here and Canada. I suppose this is testing the relationship more than ever. Stupid connection in Canada haha. His words of his dislike of the country because he can’t talk to me as much as he would like to; like he was home here, also he just love me too much and misses me to much.
Dairy Entries for online…weather they are true or not.