Everyday Online Diary Entries – Monday (22.10.18) – Anxiety got the better of me today.

Today was the most challenging thing I had witness and deal with. The reason is I had to face a past where I had grown attached to my budgie named “Charlie” he would do everything, fly in and out of his cage, would say “who’s a pretty boy” in his  bird cage and etc. Until one day I had to take him to the vets and he had to be put down because he was ill. Never cried so much in my life that day. 

We had to take the kittens back to the vets where we rescued them from so that they could have the snip. My sister had already thrown up just outside the place even one of the kittens knew what she was going to do; wanting to be with her because it was her anxiety, and I was just managing to cope but I couldn’t bare it as much as she did. 

Throughout the day I became increasingly frustrated, nervous, angry, fed up, wanted to go home and get the kittens to take them back home in their safe place. I knew few months ago I had a dream about them where they didn’t come back that was horrible. 

I knew it was triggered by my past. I do not want to go through that pain barrier ever again for another 20 years or so haha. Even if I have my own kids. I might be even 10 times worse with my own kids. Who knows time will tell. 

Online Diary Entries: “If you come back to my life” – Story Based

I don’t know if you can feel me when I’m in so much pain for all this time; loving you more than anything in the world ever since you walked into my life when you actually knew who I was, I’m here crying my eyes out since you left me here trying to figure out the reason why I keep on messing up my life.

You’re the only reason I can make sense with my life but if I did something wrong please tell me I want to understand; I don’t want this live to never ever end because I saw swear if you come back into my life, I’ll be there until the end of time and I swear I’ll keep hold of you by my side. You’re the one that I want in my life.

I watched you go taking my heart with you and you know you did every time I try to reach you over the phone you’re never there. You’re never home when I needed you even though you said you would be there for me. Maybe I just didn’t know how to show it or how to say it but this times I won’t disguise it. I want us to rebuild our lives again be the one that we use to be.

Please come back to me I’ll be there to comfort you and build my world and dreams around you. I want to keep you safe like you always keep me safe. I just want you to be right by my side like your always be by my side. I love you more than anything in the world.

Online Diary Entries: “Freedom of the Negative thoughts”

Poisonous, devil, evil, wicked, apprehensive, bitter, compulsive, deceiver and FALSE. I could go on for hours with all the negative words that I could pick out that I looked up to help me write this because I really couldn’t think of any no matter how many I was given by people or to myself over the past. It’s like in my head of loads of words going round and round like a noisy helicopter going over head. (By the way currently going on over my area)

No matter how we try and free from ourselves of these negative thoughts but it’s always seem to be your fault when someone else is blaming you for something. Your like okay what’s the point then? I must be all of those things that you say and they must be try because all I’ve done is pay or do stuff that you tell me to do but I don’t seem to be getting anywhere but other living in this world of not having the rights to be happy either.

I’ve come across that other people have been in this sort of place as well you think to self thank god I’m not the only one here. Yet I’m fighting for my life everyday weather it’s just because I have to for the sake of the others or because you have to at the end of the day otherwise you just have to continue to do so.

If I could shut myself off from the world I would because I know how easy it is to shut off but that’s only by not hearing. However with the negativity of things you can’t I know I can’t because I know how much I hate fighting for myself I know when I’m starting to spiral out of control.

It took me two days to even attempt to wash my hair and it was driving me made you know how much I hate my head being itchy and etc. I just literally couldn’t be bothered along with not putting make up on; so in the end I just let my scars of pain, tiredness and pain that I was in show. That’s when you realise something is wrong but on the second day I literally forced myself to wash my hair and have a bath because I literally felt gross and disgusting. Don’t know if I’m just tired or something but I don’t even know.

The fact that I wanted to create a themed of the free style blog is because sometimes I just wanted to share a few things or something that I don’t actually have to think about it or how I’m gonna word it. Just wanted to free flow of what might come out at the end of the day. Like I have with this one and yesterday with the Wednesday Evening Post. Just go with the flow really.

Online Diary Entries: Adult life + Anxiety = Life sucks

You know when things go around where you got people making quotes whether it’s on facebook, Twitter and etc it either summons you up completely or summons up someone else that you know. There’s always one that summons me up completely where you swear to yourself at least 20 times a day; I’m pretty sure I’ve done that quite a lot today to be honest, when I’ve done something that wasn’t meant to happen and what not. I find that it’s normally the same word that comes out fluently at the time it happens; I’ve just done it with this picture (down below) whilst making it as I put a picture in the wrong place, without knowing what was about to come out of my mouth there goes that word again and your like seriously never swear to myself that much do I?

Then I realise when it comes to adult life and anxiety I find it’s a nervous habit at the best of times. A lot more but then I realise I’m being rather stupid about it all stop; yet adult life does really suck because at the end of the day all you seem to do is work work work and the pay pay pay bills. Like you don’t have anything else better to do in your life you then realise your like Bridget Jones with a bag of minstrels or something then start singing “all by myself” into a hair brush like nobody knows.

That’s sounds like me most of the time without the bag of minstrels or singing the song into a hair brush but a bed cover wrapped round me after a shift of work. Yay me I’ve just given myself a headache with anxiety and literally having a major anxiety attack on two people they were like erm erm right one was like trying to make me laugh and the other one was like I don’t get you. Hehe I like what he did there though even though he didn’t know he did….that’s what I think though.

Oh oh hang on a minute almost forgotten my favourite part when I’m feeling anxious is I watch Most Haunted or throw myself into writing. That’s how I save myself from most things in life.

Online Diary Entries: Vogues – 73 Question Tags

Just want to give a massive big shout out to Purrpale who’s either my subscriber or follower for giving me an inspiration; as I was struggling to think of my fourth blog post for the day, if her email didn’t come through to me saying what she had posted I wouldn’t of done this tag. Thank you lovely keep it up with the good work hun keep being positive. http://purrpale.com – the blogger that I just mentioned.

1.What’s the best thing that happened to you this month? Don’t even remember erm probably a few snow days at the beginning of March 2018
2. What is something you’re tired of? Tired of people make up lies, ask for advice and then through it back into my face or just look for an argument to take it out on you for no reason at all.
3. What is something that recently moved you? Not sure really. Hearing about the kids that I’ve worked with and how they made so much progress.
4. If you could teach one subject in school what would it be? Creative Writing just to be able to go with the flow and see what they come up with.
5. What’s your favourite beverage? Coke (fizzy) any flavour and doesn’t matter if it has to be diet, Coke Zero, caffeine free Diet Coke and etc. I drink any of them I’m just that weird.
6. What’s your favourite cocktail? Sour cocktails with Pepsi (pepsi, diet, pepsi max)
7. What is your favourite birthday cake? Blonde Cake, as it’s the only cake I would eat and it’s taken me years to be able to start liking birthday cakes.
8.What is one thing you still have from your childhood? Learning difficulties
9. What is your favourite movie? All time favourite has to be Harry Potter
10. What is something you can’t do? Reaching up for something that doesn’t land on my head without fail.
11. What is one habit you wish you could break? To be able to stop having anxiety attacks for no apparent reason. If that’s possible?
12. What makes you laugh no matter what? My best friend Megs when she doesn’t make me mad she always find away to be clumsy no matter what.
13. What does creativity mean to you? To be able to escape from everything and be in another dimension or another world.
14. What are your favourite lyrics of all time? Not sure I have loads
15. What is something you’ve always wanted to try but you’ve been too scared to do? To be able to do things that I know I would be able to do without being judged or reminded off.
16. Best advice for your 19 year old self? If I knew what I now but tell myself back then I would probably say “don’t be a plank stick up for yourself” or “keep what your doing your fine”
17. If you could raid one woman’s closet who would it be? Not even sure to be honest
18. Must have purse item? None above to be honest not a purse freak
19. What did you want to do with your life at age 12? Absolutely nothing I don’t think can’t even remember it
20. What is something you will not be doing in ten years? Hopefully something like staying at home in my parents house.
21. What is an important life lesson for someone to learn? Remember broke heart fixes itself over time if you remember your true friends and family who know how it feels like to either loose someone close or they split from someone. Yes your in pain but just don’t be a dick towards people who are there for you no matter what.
22. What is one goal you are determined to achieve in your lifetime? To be able to live my life to full extent of happiness with projects that I want to do.
23. Would you ever live anywhere besides Guildford? Anywhere but Guildford if someone gave me a golden ticket
24.What is your favourite dessert? Hot chocolate cake but don’t really have desserts that often
25. Is there a dessert you don’t like? Apple crumble
26. It’s brunch! What do you eat?  If I could tradition english breakfast
27. Who is your favourite painter? Don’t have one
28. Favourite Disney animal? Tinkerbell
29. What is a book you are planning on reading? Reading what’s that? Hehe
30. What did you read most recently? Can’t remember the last book I read
31. Favourite solo artist? Currently Demi Lovato
32. What’s your favourite board game? Monopoly
33. What’s a city you wish to visit? Not even sure to be honest London would be awesome to go and stay for the weekend or something
34. Heels or flats? Flats all the way
35.  Where does one go on a perfect road trip? Tour around Britain I think
36. What do you do on a rainy day? Sleep, Blog, Netflix, candy crush hehe
37. What’s your favourite exercise? Not moving out of my bed if I don’t need to. Hehe
38. What was your worst subject in school? Who the hell invented maths
39. What is your spirit animal? Dolphin if I did have one
40. What do you usually eat for breakfast? Don’t even know I’m not sure
41. What do you usually eat for dinner? Depends what’s being cooked but if I could nothing to be honest unless if I was hungry.
42. Cooking or Baking? Neither
43. Favourite baked good? Huh what’s this question about? I had at cooking
44. What is something you wish you could be good at? Something I wish I was good at is be okay in talking in public. I think.
45. Skiing or Surfing? Surfing if I tired it. Skiing no thanks I tried and panic because of my brother breaking one of his legs on same ski slope at the same school.
46. First celebrity crush? Hugh Grant I think it was
47. Most recent celebrity crush? Tom Hardy
48. What colour was your prom dress? Black and cream
49. How do you manage stress? Before I would reach 0-60 in a matter of seconds but now I try and rationalise it before I get that far.
50. What do you do to relax? Talk to my close friends, blog or Netflix
51. Age when you were first kissed?  First proper kiss was at age 21 long history
52. Place you were first kissed? At a back of a store
53. Favourite fashion trend of all time? Don’t really follow a trend to be honest once I see something that I like then I’ll do it how I like it
54. Best fashion advice you’ve ever received? Don’t even know if I had one
55. Trend you would like to see disappear forever?  Things that don’t make any sense to me what so ever. What ever that is?
56. Shoes or Bags? Neither
57. How do you know if you’re in love? When you actually get on well with someone and you both can non stop talking about anything. You both like each other more.
58. Television show you’ve binged on recently? Can’t remember the last one I most binged on recently but I can remember one or two it has to be “The Grimm” and “Touch”
59. Who do you turn to when you’re sad? The closest friends that have the time for me when I need them the most.
60. Name one thing you’ve learned the hard way? To not let people in who you think they are your friends but actually they aren’t. They are completely a utter….(you get my point)
61. If you could make a documentary about anything what would it be? If I could make a documentary about anything it would be if I met a royal from another country or here I would treat them normal and teach them what it’s like to be a citizen that’s not in the public eye. Also how we became friends along with them teaching me how their life works as well to show each other how each other’s lives are different.
62. What is your kryptonite? My weakness are letting bad memories and etc coming back to me when I don’t want them to
63. What are you most enchanted by? The most thing that I’m enchanted by is that I’ve got good friends that love me no matter what and telling me that I’m a plank and stop beaten myself. Just to confirm that I’m being stupid over thinking things.
64. What is your biggest strength? Believing in others, put confidence in others and care about people.
65. What is your biggest weaknesses? That I don’t believe in myself and etc really.
66. What are 3 words to describe living in Guildford? Historically, annoying and noisy
67. Cutest thing on planet earth? Huskies
68. Most important advice you’d give your future children? “You’ve got Arrow blood in you. Don’t take crap from nobody understood” the fact that I’ve heard stories of what my dad got up too and my grandad along with trying to defend myself with things that I don’t want to discuss. At the end of the day just got turn your negativity into a positive just got to learn to stand on your own two feet.
69. Best first date idea? A chat over a drink probably best way for me to fiddle with a glass to be honest.
70. Favourite type of flower?  Daisies
71. What do you first notice about someone when you meet them? They are hot and cute. Sometimes you weren’t what I thought you were. It’s hard to tell when you don’t know them that well.
72. What’s your guilty pleasure? Junk food because that’s always me go to comfort along with Most Haunted.
73. Plans for the weekend? Don’t even plan a head to be honest.
That’s my daily tag done guys and that was long haha. I would nominate someone but I think you all should try it to be honest. I just copied and pasted then changed the answers to my own.

Online Diary Entries: “Nana” – Story Based

The day I wished you’d walked in to my life again just imagine that you just did; I would fill you in on the things that you would have missed, like the sleepless nights that you would have with the hopes of a grown up man dressed in white who claims to be who says he is from the tales of this long standing tradition that you have and I would of thought he might of come just in time to save your life.

Yet as I have waited and waited he didn’t come so you had died. I don’t like it that you’re dead I can’t work it out how that it is impossible; it’s not the same where I scratch my own head to work things out, I know that deep down God doesn’t exist because he was never there to save me and all the palaver surrounding it and it’s like yeah right but I know secretly that you can hear me sometimes.

When I’m cold I reach a fleece that I could borrow for the time being from either TJ or Caspain I’m always trying to keep warm when you’re the sun. That day I sat with you beside your bed crying wishing for the things that I wish I should of said; watching you paint your nails red like you still got now over and over again, and if I live past 72 I do hope I’ll be half as cool as you are.

I got my pen and notepad as I sit in my little cottage window trying to create a story for you tonight; I know how much you like them because I know how to express my feelings through them just to make it feel alright, yet I know I will always keep you close to me because the crowds will understand and relate to the story like you never left.

I think you know I’m not doing so well…

Online Diary Entries: “Missing You” – Story Based

I hate miss missing you. Where’s the pain as you walked out of the door? It never hurt like this as it use to be before; there was love that we couldn’t really ignore as we knew deep down that we love each other deep down, however it doesn’t kick in like the pill use to anymore and where was the thrill that use to end our fights? Where did the heat go after we turned off the lights?

I just miss all he missing that we made even when we still have the passion to hate even sometimes I plainly just miss missing you until it’s hurts that’s when you see me cry; I miss watching you watching trying not to end up with tears as your begging to get back together, I just want to be with you like we are stuck forever and don’t freak out and believe what my answer is because sometimes I’m just missing you because it’s hurting me so much.

There’s a dark cloud pulling me in like I’m breathing in a bad sin because there’s a blind force letting it win; it’s longing to tear us apart as it doesn’t want me to be happy yet I’m missing you, trying to help me fighting my demons and together I know we can do anything for each other.

I’m missing you so much that it hurts that it just makes me cry….

Online Diary Entries: “Don’t know if I can…” – Story

Who do you think you are? Coming into my life saying that you love me more than anything in the world; now that I’m lost, confused, sacred and I don’t know if I can do this anymore even if I’m trying to take one more step towards you because all of this waiting is regret. I don’t know if you know that I’m starting to become your ghost and your figure of imagination; I have this feeling that you have lost the love that I loved the most, I have learnt that to live half alive but I need to know if you still love me one more time.
Who do you think you are? Running around leaving more scars on me whilst your collecting more jars of hearts; I hope they will catch a cold from the ice from your soul because I don’t know if you will come back for me anymore, who do you think are? I don’t hear you asking all around for me to see if I can be found but I’m trying to grow strong but I know if I ever fall back into your arms I will know you want me one more time.
It took so long just to feel alright with you but remember how you manage to put back the light in my eyes; I wish I could have missed all of this pain if I hadn’t gotten so scared to begin with because you broke your promises that you wouldn’t hurt me again knowing my fears of being hurt, and now you’re back trying to get me back.
Yet one question for you to answer do you want to come back for me? If not just don’t come back at all as I can’t keep waiting for you if you keep on having leaving unempty promises. Just tell me if you don’t really love me anymore because I can’t keep on breaking my heart like this anymore. Come back for me? Or just don’t come back at all. Then I know you have made the decision for me than me to make one for you. Who do you think you are?

Online Diary Entries: “Breathe Slow” – Story

As I’m walking away from you on the cliff face because I’m running out of patience because I can’t believe what the hell I’m hearing and speaking of hell it doesn’t compare what I am feeling but I love you took much it goes to show that all my emotions go out of control. You think it’s good for you but bad for me I can’t hardly see from the tears that flow wishing you could take this pain away from me. I just can’t forget to breathe slow count from one to ten with my eyes closed because ladies you have to take it in and get your composure before I lose it so I have to get my composure too.
I am going to breathe slow with my eyes closed counting from one to ten because ladies you have to take it in and the composure because ladies never lose you’re composure. I’m not going to lie or even try to win because I’m not the one with the gun who’s going to shoot because that would mean that you will be winning. No matter how much I love you or how many times I show all my emotions because you should know that I can be out of control which is bad for me but good for you know to know how much you hurt me.
When you hardly see the tears that flow because someone should be better hold me back as I will go for someone like the fake person who’s currently at your side; you’re lucky I know how to act as I’m not going to attack, I’m being calm and cool believe me you wouldn’t be taking much lightly and your breathing lightly right now. Just wait when your with me that’s when your going to loose your composure and the worse of it will come with my psycho will show. I’m just breathing slow right now to keep calm and carrying on.

Thursday Online Diary Entries: Out of the blue – Story

A new year, a new beginning, a new chapter of my life started today well that’s what I thought it could be my last. Yet my eyes were wide shut because I had thought that I was going to give up; just like the rest of the time that I’d be walking the world alone, yet out of the blue there in the middle of my path you had shown me a life that I couldn’t see without you next me and there’s no way I can fight these emotions anymore your energy running through me like nobody else can renew me it had to be you.
Out of the blue can this be true? Family and friends were my life until I had butterflies in my tummy; I wasn’t known to have them but you gave me love that i can’t disguise, there will be times when we are apart and it will kill me everytime it happens because I know that I want you to be in my life and my heart along side the beautiful garden.
Yet no emotions can be shown during the time my whole body felt like ice as if I took on ice challenge far away from home. Needed to feel that sound that shone my way along the beach like my world that I once knew had turned to dust but I had my faith and trust. I thought I’ll be walking the world alone without anyone by my side but yet out of the blue that’s where I met you; I can’t believe that this happened so soon, there’s just no way that you chose me out of million of girls you just want to be with me and now that I can’t fight these emotions because your energy your lips and your touch running through me.
You showed me a life that I can’t see without you but I know that there will be times when we are apart but knowing that you’re  in my heart growing into a beautiful garden has come true.