Daily Challenges – Summer Challenges – Day 22 – Am I still sober?

I don’t think I’ve got any excuses for all of these goodbyes will you call me when it’s over because I’m dying inside; wake me when the shakes are gone and all of the cold sweats have disappeared, call me when it’s over and I myself will reappear. I don’t know, I don’t know, I just don’t know why I do it every, every, every time I just find it when I’m lonely. 

Sometimes I just want to cave inside because I don’t want to fight anymore even though I keep trying, trying, trying and I do try. I just want to be held because I’m lonely mum I’m so sorry that I’m not sober anymore and dad please forgive me for so many drinks that have been spilled on the floor. 

To the ones who truly never left me; we all know we’ve been down this road before, I’m so sorry I’m not sober anymore. I want to say sorry to my future love the man that I love; I’m sorry for everyone who have just watched me fall again, no matter how many tears that I’ve cried in pain and I’m only human who’s tired of being so strong and fighting it. 

All I want to do is cave in because I don’t want to fight anymore I’m so tired of being lonely. Everyone who’s been down this road before with me I’m so sorry that I’m not sober anymore. I’m sorry that I’m here again I promise I’ll get help it wasn’t my intention of falling apart. I’m so sorry to myself. 

Everyday Online Diary Entries – Monday – Sunday: Saturday to Wednesday blogs

I’ve decided to do a all in one of the past couple of days as nothing much really happened; well widely exciting to have in the days for me to blog about, it was just getting boring as it was same thing everyday and so I thought I’ll wait for a couple days. 

Saturday (28.7.18) was one of those days that it had pretty much seeing what the damage had done by the storm the night before; watering the plants, the green house and feeding the fish whilst my sister did the washing and dishwasher. Oh I think I was fighting with the greenhouse that day as well. I decided to watch some of my favourite YouTube videos and my sister joined me all the way through she was commentary all the way through them which made it more funny to begin with. She had watched some of her videos afterwards due to the fact that she needed something to distract her mind from it all. They were pretty scary but I’ve seen them a few times. 

Sunday (29.7.18) was pretty much another wet day so basically it was just feeding the fish, the green house, cooking me and my sister dinner and the dishwasher. Just Netflix mostly and slept downstairs because it’s one of the things that I do when I have the house to myself for a while. It’s a comfort thing I think plus it’s a big house for one person but I did have my sister and now and then my brother. 

Monday (30.7.18) was one of the days I forced myself to go out otherwise I would literally gone mad or a family member would literally come round to see if I was alright. I went out with my aunt and cousin like to Hobbycraft and Asda then back to theirs my cousin fell asleep on me at least 15 minutes towards the end of the film. I pretty much do that to most special needs kids; send them to asleep before they send me to sleep, I have that sense of ora that I make them feel alright so they relax to the point of sending them to sleep. Couldn’t even get him into my house quickly enough because of the lavender and the bees. Especially the bees. I found my keys opened the door and me and his mum stood in front of the lavender to which point I told him to get in quick. His anxiety of insects are like sky high especially at this time of year with insects. Obviously the boring stuff of watering the garden, feeding the fish and the greenhouse. Along with a relapse of not being myself and etc but I managed to tire myself out and fell asleep nearly instantly. 

Tuesday (31.7.18) was pretty much the same Netflix, feeding the fish, watering the garden and the green house. Think I put the sofa bed away by then so I slept in my own bed that night but with complete back pain, right knee pain and ankle pain. I think personally I was so tense that I set most of the problems that I had before the relapse off because of it. Had to go out for a bit with someone for a home visit so that we could get things into place for them at a holiday club. 

Wednesday (1.8.18) chilled one until about 16:00pm GMT (4:00pm) had a message to say that my parents were boarding a plane home. So I literally hovered the living room, cleaned the kitchen and wrapped up one of my parents birthday presents because it was their birthday the other day when they were away. As soon as my sister came home I told her that they were on their way home; so we quickly ran around the local small supermarket to get a few bits for one of my parents because she didn’t get anything by that stage, luckily we manage to get a few bits and pieces to which my parent loved. 

It was good to have them home though we had fish and chips; then looked at some of the photos that they took but everyone was falling asleep by the stage of half way through the photos, yet no one wanted to be rude to say but I had to say and plus one of my parents fell asleep and you could tell when they fell asleep they were snoring. 

Daily Challenges – Summer Challenge – Day 21 I’m begging for mercy

Hitting the beat by taking it out on the bass now. I love you that’s because I got to stay true to myself but I got my morals got me on my knees yet I begging please to stop playing games with me. I don’t know what this is but you got me good just like you knew you would. 

I do t know what you do but you do it well because I’m back under your spell. You got me begging you for mercy why can’t you just realise me; I said realise me because I’m begging you for mercy yet you won’t release me, now you think that I will be something on the side but you got to understand that I need me who can’t take my hand and say “yes I do”. 

I don’t know what this is but you got me good like I knew you would because I really don’t know what you do but you do it well I’m under your spell like I’m begging you for mercy. Why you release me? I said “you better release me. You look at me and think we’re the same kind; I know we aren’t because you don’t know what I’ve got in mind, I really don’t want to waste my time I want a bit more than I’m asking for and you think that I’ll be the other girl. 

Even if it’s from your past who did you wrong or I’m like no other in this world. I just want to have fun, be happy but I just don’t know where you’re coming from and I’m just begging for mercy why can’t you just release me.

Star Light Categories – Teen Lifestyle – It’s all coming back to me now – Story Based

There were nights when the wind was so cold like my body had froze in bed; if I had tried to listen to it as it was gusting right outside my bedroom window, I would of hoped to hear your voice once again and maybe give me a clue why you had left me so young. The were even days when the sun was so cruel that all of my tears felt like that they had turned into dust like I just knew my eyes were drying up forever whenever I got bullied; theres was nothing for me to cry because I was already a broken soul, all of the memories just came flooding back to me. 

I remembered the day I had finished crying since the day you left but I can’t remember where, or when or even how. I had banished every memory you and I had ever made; the thought of you coming back to me being a parent once again in my life, you gave me a hug like you never disappeared and you gave me birthday presents like this and now it’s all coming back to me. It’s so hard to believe but it’s all coming back to me. 

There were moments of gold and there were flashes of light in the sky where I sworn  I hold never do again. Yet they’ve always seemed right but there were nights of endless cries but the system had laws that we weren’t allowed to do. All of the fun memories that we made me was all lost long time ago like it was dead to the world. Yet it’s so hard to resist when you walked back into my life I can barely recall all of those days in that moment of dark haunted adoption place. 

There were so many empty threats and hollow lies they told me; that no one wanted me just like my parents did, it hurt me even more worse and so much deeper and there were so many hours that just went on for days. Yet when it came to my new adoptive family came there were so many chances it wouldn’t be me. 

Now that I see the evil women I know now that she’s just a history with the slamming of the door and I made myself strong again and never wasted any of my time on her since then. As it’s all coming back to me from day one entering that house. The flesh and the fantasies of getting out of there I can barely recall but it’s all coming back to me now. 

If I could forgive you for all this and if I can forgive you all that. I might forgive and forget but it’s all coming back to me. When you see me like this as I see you as that I just like to tell you how much hell you put me through because now you know how it feels; you seek for my forgiveness but it’s all coming back to me now. 

Star Light Categories – Hustle and Bustle Advice of Blogging – Do you have problems releasing your creative side? Why do you think that is?

Originally this was meant to be yesterday’s post (29.7.18) but I’ve decided to write it for today’s Hustle and Bustle Advice of Blogging (30.7.18) I thought let’s get today’s out of the way first so that it might actually come to me for Sunday Special or nothing at all. If I have that’s great but if not all well only you guys will know by the time you read this. 

Over the weekend I was having a struggle in releasing my creative side because I was starting to feel so down about myself to the fact that I had been in the house monjority of the week. I think personally I was feeling so tired and low that it just that sometimes I just think what’s the point of me even doing this. I genuinely hate that sort of thing because writing is my life but when I’m having a moment it all stops; personally I do think it’s good to have a few days off in between where you’re having an off day or not you need that sort of a break. 

To be able recuperate and to be able to think fresh for the new week a head and be able to think what to write and feel confident in what I want to write about instead of  forcing myself to write something that I don’t like and feel like it’s not my best work update. Can someone tell me if I spelt “recuperate” right because to me it doesn’t look right? I have the feeling it is right but not 100% sure. If someone says “look it up in a dictionary” you know where the door is…. okay because I still won’t know what I’m looking for in the dictionary. 

Sorry if that sounded rude or not but I’ve come along way without a dictionary. I have used it a few times when I needed to but I find it lot harder when I don’t know how it’s starts or anything. That’s because I’m dyslexic and I’m proud of it even when it’s a pain in the arse at the best of times. Yet you wouldn’t get amazing content without me practicing everyday with my creativity and spelling. 

Creative writing is the one thing that saved my life with spelling and language; so if you thinking of saying, “look it up in the dictionary” there’s the door because that’s one worse thing to say to a dyslexic person who just asked for help by their readers.  I prefer to ask my readers because I like to be able to improve along side my readers so that I know I’m doing good. Either comment or hit the like button if I spelt  “recuperate” right.

Many Thanks guys 

Everyday Online Diary Entries – (27.7.18) Friday – 2 Months off rain in one afternoon

2 months of heatwaves we decided to have like 3-4 hours of downpour of rain and thunderstorms then it stopped. At least I didn’t have to water the garden and fight with the hose pipe yet I didn’t know how long we were going to get the rain for because I had to go down the garden to feed the fish. So about 16:20pm (4:30pm GMT) I thought I’m going to have to risk it and feed these fishes because I didn’t know how long the rain and etc was going to last. 

At least we had some sort of rain this week not 100% sure what tomorrow will bring but I’m just glad that I didn’t have to water the garden. It didn’t last that long to be honest but there you go. I decided to bring my Wii U downstairs because my tv doesn’t work; plus at least I can play on it when I want to along with YouTube and Netflix whilst writing my blogs, saving me playing it on my iPad or my phone not too sure why I didn’t think of it before to be honest. 

However you know when you have the best brother coming round and orders Dominos for us to have. Also chill out with each other with me and my sister we also decided to watch 99 Brooklyn never seen it before but it’s actually quite funny I’ve seen it few times when my brother has stayed over the past few days. Only briefly though but it’s all good worth watching it to be honest. 

Star Light Categories – Friday Time Recap Time – How do I respond to things that change without my say so

Everybody hates changes at some point in their lives plus it happens everyday throughout your life whatever it is. I for one had loads of changes in my life that I couldn’t control to the point of if it happens it happens. The fact that everyone I know who know me quite well enough to know how hurt I get if I open up to someone then they either abuse it or walk out for no reason what so ever and then decides to walk back into it. 

The first time I had to respond to the things that changed in my life I use to go quiet, withdrawn and take it out on the people who let me down. This was the only way I knew at the time how to respond to something like that because I had so many people do that to me I had enough of it all. 

These days where people let me down I just let them go and do what they want because at the end of the day if I explode and everything at them. I know that they will win so I just let them go off to the point of I don’t actually care; yeah I’m hurting inside, along with being angry and etc. I know people who want me to talk about it but to be honest I rather not because at the end of the day I’m the one that has to live with it and I don’t want to continually getting reminded of things. 

Yes it will effect me if I don’t talk about it and not be able to trust anyone but at the end of the day people have to earn the whole trust from me at the end of the day. It’s not like I can hand it straight over to them on the plate like they are a dog or something but trust has to work both ways. 

Everyday Online Diary Entries – (26.7.18) Thursday – The Thursday headaches when it’s been 32 degrees

In the end last night (25.7.18) I ended up doing a all nighter where I was up until 5 this morning couldn’t sleep for ages. Anxiety was ridiculous along to the point of giving up sleeping whatever I did I tried to relax not worked one single bit. I slept for at least an hour or so before I left to go out for a bit. 

I went to have a shower as you do when you have this ridiculous heatwave. Yet it still didn’t work one single bit I was literally sweating like buckets; as I was meeting up with an old school peer that I hadn’t seen in a very long time, whilst being close by in case my best friend needed me because she’s going through some tough time. 

The old school peer was like you definitely sweating like buckets after giving me a hug. I was literally drenched through it was like me saying I need guttering just walking from my house to where I was meeting them; I was like what is the point of me having a shower if that’s going to happen, it was gross to the point of me giving up having make up on. 

I don’t even know why I even bothered meeting up to be honest because he said would text me later or at some point but typical blokes who say that actually don’t do what they suppose to do. Just walk back into your life and be all relaxing and etc then it’s like they walk straight back out again. I’m not really too bothered to be honest I’m jus happy being on my own in my own company at the best of times. At least I wasn’t too far for my closest friend who needed me. 

I’ve been keeping myself busy along with catching up with some sleep as I didn’t sleep to well the night before. Done my usual water the garden had water going up in my face because the nosel came off the end and then the tap decides to make the water go around the hose and not through the hose. Yet I manage to water the garden and feed the fishes along with I’m not picking up or sorting out the pond plants that have fallen over. For once I actually listened to my parents but to be fair the garden has been giving me the run around the past couple of days. 

Star Light Categories – Throwbackthursday – Have you got a nickname? What’s the story behind it.

Today I’ve thought as I looked what to write about on a Throwbackthursday on Pinterest. Very handy for these types of things especially Star Light Categories well 5 out of the 7 days; not 4 out of the 7 days lizzy silly brain of mine it’s the heat it’s getting to me now haha. Just wait when you read my Thursday Entry  for tomorrow (27.7.18) blog post. Just gross even just thinking about it haha. 

I’ve had two nicknames that stuck for years but one of them I’m not sure where the story behind that one was. The two that I had were “Littlebit” and “Elizbetroo” so the story behind “Littlebit” I think it was down to because I was little or they just decided to use some of my letters in my name. Not sure the reason for it but everyone in the family called me it so it was stuck ever since. 

“Elizabetroo” had to be funny and cute at the same time because one of my older brothers couldn’t pronounce my name properly and he thought people were calling me it. So one day he went into school one of his teachers asked him what my name was and he told them what it was. They really weren’t sure if he got it right or not so they came out at the end of the day to double check with my parents; my parents corrected them what my actual name was, I think personally my brother of all people got fixated on Whinnie the Pooh but then again my brother is funny anyways. That has always been stuck too. 

It’s only rarely that people call me those names now but I still respond to them when they do like it’s second nature to me to be honest. My sister on the other hand has saved me on her phone as “Lizbutt” I’m not 100% sure why but heyho maybe it’s because I had already had two awesome names to begin with and they were taken haha. As she’s younger than the rest of us. 

Daily Stories – Mental Health Issues – God bless Demi Lovato

Waking up to one of the most influential musicians that I could relate to in so many ways trying to overdoes herself; I for one can understand how hard it is to remain strong for so long but sometimes you have to give into the relapse in order to bounce back again once more, I hope Demi Lovato finds the strength to carry on and fight this temptation and beat the relapse once more. 

Reading how much Demi Lovato had to endure whilst growing up, being in the spot light and many more. I personally believe she is strong enough to get through anything because she puts her mind to it and knows that she has great support network behind her with her manager, close family members and most importantly she is thankful for her fans being there through thick and thin. 

So many people suffer in silences where they are too scared to talk about it or ask for help when people ask them how they are generally people respond to “I’m fine….I’m good” but actually they are screaming inside. I don’t like talk about it especially when I’m in one of those massive relapses myself you know that I’m in one as I’m struggling to write my daily blogs. 

I find that when I do talk about it people either be surprised and try to understand, some who are closest to me know when I’m having a dip because I don’t have my sense of humour coming out and then you have people trying to say “you can’t be depressed….I’ve had far more worse things done to me than you have. I should be the one that’s depressed.”  That’s one thing I hate the most is because people are so judgemental because they don’t know your past or what has happened to you growing up. 

Yet it’s all coming out in the media now and people are talking about mental health to make people aware that it is there. From well known famous faces who suffer it, who talk about it, who go missing and turning up dead, to citizens who are do the same thing. There is so many stigma in mental health that in the past no one knew what it was but yet there is so many people fight everyday for their lives. 

I just wish Demi all the best, love, support and everything to get back on her feet once again soon as possible. Keep on fighting everyday because she knows that she is loved by so many and cared about by some many. Love you Demi!